Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Long distance marriage for two years, do I have the right to divorce?

Broken Glass

Salams,

I have been in a long distance marriage for nearly two years. Within that period we had communication issues. My husband was mostly involved in his work and kept in touch via online mostly once or twice a week. However, he kept in touch with his friends more often. I had grown apart from him due to the this distance and misery I had to go through- being apart physically and emotionally.

Six months into the marriage I started to feel uncomfortable around him and rarely opened up to him, and I just kept to myself when we did contact each other.

This January he came to our home country and it was obvious that things were bad. I did not feel connected to him in any way, and thought of him as more as a stranger I am with. I refused to have physical contact, and when we had it the first time I felt disgusted after it.  He keeps telling me Allah's curse will be on me for refusing, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

I feel distant from him when I am around him. I would rather spend my days alone. Things have gotten really bad. He is a nice person, and I don't suffer physical abuse from him, but I am just so unhappy being with him and do not respect him.  I can't have a decent conversation with him and I feel frustrated. I do not in any way feel attracted to him. I am also upset that my sins are increasing by staying in this marriage.

We had also gone counseling but to no avail. I just feel no bond with him of any sort. I just feel I would be happier without him as I had stayed away from him for 2 years anyway, and had become independant without him. Even he has gotten fed up with the whole thing.

Is there any possibility that I can file for divorce as this has been the scenario for nearly 7 months?  Please advise.

-fathima12


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13 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister

    Feeling loneliness is inevitable for people in long-distance relationships. Things become difficult especially for women who feel emotionally & physically left alone and they find it hard to cope with such situation. The same happened with you, the loneliness you felt depressed you and during this depressing period, when you found/felt that your husband was spending more time with his friends than you, this increased your feeling lonely and you felt that your husband is not fulfilling your emotional needs at least, if not physical. This made you to bottle in your feelings which actually worked to widen the communication gap at your end without your or your husband’s realizing it. When you already distanced yourself from him then things had to go ugly when meeting in person. This was obvious to happen. But did you ever thought or feel that your husband was also going through the same loneliness and we all have different ways to deal with such loneliness. As you know we always feel good being with friends, so he did. It seems if you had expected him to be with you all the time, but my dear sister, such thing is not possible. You pinned all your hopes in him, expecting him just to end your loneliness but you should have realized that he could not nothing being far away. You should have diverted your mind in doing other things like picking up a new hobby, keeping yourself busy in works or learning about our deen. You could have utilized your time in planning or preparing yourself for your future married life spent together. But instead you chose feeling bad for your husband, you in a way accused him for entirely responsible for your loneliness and you developed a self destructive thought/feeling that he does not feel the loneliness at his end, he is enjoying his life and its only you who is suffering in this marriage. My dear sister, you should know that assumptions cannot be always true, things can be opposite the way they seem.

    When you met him, you felt him to be a stranger for the simple reason that you already had cut him from your life emotionally and that’s what made you to refuse physical intimacy with him. Your husband who would be unaware of your feelings, had to feel bad as a Man and as a husband. He had not even thought that his wife could be behaving like this. If you had told him during your communication with him how you have been feeling, he might have understood the situation and he might have helped you and he might have considered things and have been patient for physical intimacy. But you did not tell him anything, and you just emotionally disconnected yourself with him. Therefore, his frustration was natural and obvious. You had already gotten fed up with him and this marriage and you only made him to get fed up with the whole thing.

    In short, the communication gap was your problem and your keeping things within you turned things ugly.

    Having said that, you said” He is a nice person, and I don't suffer physical abuse from him”. I would recommend that you should sit calmly and think of this marriage with a new perspective without getting blinded by past. We all commit mistakes, so you did. If you find him a nice person and if he has not caused you any physical abuse, then you should think again about this marriage and I recommend that you should take the initiative to sort things out and hopefully make this marriage work.

    May Allah (Swt) guide you and us all. ameen.

    Your Sister

    • Assalam o Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh

      • Sister AK, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will publish it in turn Insha'Allah.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Assalam o Alaikum Brother Wael

          I just wrote my question in a separate post and saved it as draft last week and I kept waiting but I didnt get any response so I thought that maybe I didnt publish it the proper way thats the reason I posted it here anyways I posted it again and I am eagerly waiting for my reply.

          Jazakallahu Khairan

          • Assalaamualaikam

            Unfortunately, there is a bit of a waiting period before posts are published, but rest assured that if your post is in the queue it will be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.

            If you are unable to wait, it might help to search the site's previous posts, as there may be relevant issues and advice there.

            Midnightmoon
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

          • Assalam o Alaikum sister
            First if all thankyou for replying and sister i edited the draft and there was an option Submit for Review so i submitted my post as i couldnt find the option save as pending and as you said 6-8 weeks :(( i just have one month for my divorce to be finalised 🙁

        • Assalam o Alaikum Brother

          How long do I have to wait for my question to be posted here
          Please inform me I will be thankfull to you.
          Jazakallahu Khair

          • Assalaamualaikam

            Your post seems to be saved as a draft rather than submitted as a pending post - if you change it from "Draft" to "Save as Pending", it will then join the waiting list.

            Unfortunately, at the moment we have a waiting list that looks to be in the range of 6-8 weeks, due to the volume of posts submitted over the past few months. If you feel unable to wait, other posts on the site may be able to provide some guidance.

            Midnightmoon (sister)
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    DEAR SISTER-
    YOU NIKAH IS COMPLETE WITH CONSUMATION AND YOU HAVE STOPPED THAT ONLY-
    He keeps telling me Allah's curse will be on me for refusing,
    but I just can't bring myself to do it.HE IS 10000% RIGHT YOU ARE AT FAULT-

    ISLAM DOES NOT GO ON MOODS AND -WHIMS AND FANCIES YOU MARRIED HIM AND WHEN HE CAME TO HAVE SEX WITH YU YOU REFUSED AND THT A MAJOR CRIME IN ISLAM-

    NOW YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WHOLE SITUATION AND STILL YOU HAVE TIME ASK HIM FORGIVNESSS AND THEN JOIN HIM GIVE THE BEST AND SEE THE RESULT OF LOVE AND AFFECTION U GET IN A NIKAH -

    THIS IS NOT A MUSLIMS DUTY OR ATTITUDE- YOU CANT BE SO ADAMANT FOR THE PERIOD AND FLATLY REFUSE HIM WHEN HE CAME FOR PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH YOU-

    I had grown apart from him due to the this distance and misery I had to go through- being apart physically and emotionally.THIS ALL IS YR IMAGINATION-AND STATNIC WHIPERS-
    YOU WANT TO GO REVERSE AND NOW COME TO THE STAGE OF DIVORCE AND YOU KNOW ALLAH HATES DIVORCSE THE MOST IN ALL LEGAL THINGS-
    AND IF HE IS A RIGHT PERSON AND YOU ARE TAKING THIS DECISION THEN IT SHOWS YOU ARE NOT HUMBLE ENOUGH TO ACCEPT YR SERIOUS FAULT AND REFUSE TO RECTIFY AND ISNTEAD MAKE A BLUNDER GOING FOR DIVORCE
    START LOVING HIM FROM THIS MINUTE CALL HIM INDULGE IN SEX AND GO TO SOME PLACE TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER ALL WILL BECOME NORLMAL ITS ALL IN THE HEAD AND THAT HEAD OF YOURS HAS MISGUIDED YOU AND MADE YOU GO AGAINTS THE PLAN OF ALLAH BECAUSE NIKAH/MARRIAGE DOES NOT TAKE PLACE WITHOUT THE WISH OF ALLAH AND BREAKING IS NOT HSI WISH IT IS YOURS COME DOWN FROM TH HIGH LEVEL OF MOUNTAIN YOU ARE SITTING TO THE FOOR THE MOUNT AND SEE HOW PLEASANT IS LIFE WITH THE SAME PERSON WHOM ALLAH ONLY PRESCRIBED FOR YOU-

    AND YOU ARE INFLUENCED BY SATAN TO MAKE HIM HAPPY INSTEAD OF ALLAH -
    U STILL HAVE TIME-
    REGARDS

  3. bismillah irahman eraheem

    salam aleykum

    forgive me if i have misunderstood but it sounds like the sister is saying she is bored of her husband who is a decent man but she doesn't fancy him and can she divorce on these grounds?

    Sister! do not be As Umr Al Khattab warned an "enemy to your own soul"! Know that divorce is the most detested of permitted things and Allah almighty's throne (sic) shakes when a moomin husband and wife divorce, while shaitan celebrates and dances.

    and this is for divorce with just cause. Think then about what you have told us.. the fault is not his, it is yours. and a divorce will not improve your situation of boredom.

    Learn to be happy with your husband and for your situation. You are not abused. you are not hungry. you not ill. you are not in danger. you are just bored. It is like a bucket with a hole, as much as allah gives you will drip out the hole unless you start to be grateful.

    As well, you are being selfish. Think of him and how he will feel if you say this. Really, if you don't work, then get a job, or volunteer, or attend a course of learning or go to the gym - do something constructive with your free time and most of all - learn your deen. Learn about our beautiful Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him who would spend all night in prayer for you, sister, so that you could earn paradise by following him. Be grateful for your easy life compared to how the companions of the prophet suffered and were starved and abused and martyred for the sake of Allah.

    sister - do not harm your own soul and your husband's by an unecessary divorce

    Allah guide us all and forgive us all inshallah

    salam aleykum

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    As far as I am aware, the teachings regarding a woman refusing to share her husband's bed have a significant component which is often omitted - that they refer to a woman refusing without good reason. Personally, I feel that not feeling comfortable with your husband due to him effectively being a stranger to you probably counts as a pretty good reason. The Prophet himself (peace be upon him) emphasised many times the importance of intimacy between husband and wife, on an emotional level as well as physical.

    It's understandable that after being apart for so long, intimacy would suffer, but try to remember the reasons that you married this man, be kind in your thoughts and words - he may well be struggling too. Why not start anew at building a loving relationship with him - you may well find that as you get to know each other again, love, respect and intimacy develop.

    If you haven't already, try to find an Islamic counselling service, who can give expert support.

    Remember that Islam brought you both together - why not try to bond through practising Islam? Maybe start by praying together, even if you can only pray together once a day, the shared act and sharing of faith may help bring you both closer together.

    May Allah soften both your hearts and help love to grow there.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  5. Assalam alaikum Sister Fathima,

    Marriage isn't supposed to be a long distance relationship and although sometimes a married couple might have to endure time apart, it is perhaps more challenging when it is at the beginning of the marriage & you are not communicating properly.

    From what you have said, I gather you feel ignored by your husband as you mentioned that he keeps in touch with his friends more often than with you. It also seems like you had made efforts to grow closer to him or at least didn't enjoy being apart from him.

    Rather than playing a blame game, I think you have to figure out what you want from him and tell him point blank. If you need him to be affectionate, then tell him that. If you feel like he is ignoring your emotional needs, tell him that. For a woman, it is very challenging to simply be intimate with her husband just because he is your husband--I can understand that--but at the same time, men are different and might not understand that part of a woman's psyche. You probably are not refusing him because you want to anger him, but more because you don't feel an emotional bond which is very important for a woman. He needs to be romantic with you and affectionate and not just expect an intimacy--it is something to be worked for and not taken for granted.

    It says in the Quran:

    "And among His Signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." [Sûrah Rûm: 21]

    Your marriage should be a source of tranquility and both of you should have mercy on each other, not just a load of expectations. A marriage carries on not just because of rights upheld and responsibilities completed--but because there is love and mercy for each other. It isn't enough to just get your financial needs met by your husband, because an unmarried woman should be looked after by her father and/or brother--so why ever get married? A married woman needs to feel taken care of emotionally by her husband (something that ONLY a husband could do)--and that does not cost a penny. Share with him this information of how he is the ONLY source of this emotional bond and you feel empty without it. Tell him how important his position is in your life.

    Sister, do not jump to divorce. I would suggest that you start to learn the Quran and if possible, read it with him. There seems to be something missing, not because both of you are lacking something, but maybe because of the approach to each other. He obviously feels something for you--but maybe he doesnt' know how to tell you or that it is necessary--sometimes you just have to be blunt with husbands and clear on what you want. It would be better for you to open up to him rather than just hope he will read your mind--he never will.

    I pray Allah put mercy and love between your hearts and I pray that you and your husband feel a great connection with one another. Ameen.

  6. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    You should try and make things work. These feelings are just chemicals in your head. Real, long term romance is what matters.

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