Feel like I am losing my Iman. How can I get the strength to leave?
Assalamu Alaikum WaRahmatullahi WaBarakatuhu,
Today for the very first time i'm attempting to share a very personal problem. I have tried everything in my power to seek help & knowledge about this issue from my mom & friends but nothing seems to help me. I'm so desperate for relief right now that i dont know why but it seriously seems like this site will be my only hope.
My issue is not that complex & it feels like a part of me knows what to do but i dont know why it just doesnt seem to sink in. I'm a hafiza Alhumd. & am currently working & going to college. My life is blessed with many great bounties of Allah swt. However, this one issue is making me distant from Allah & Islam and that is just becoming unbearable for me now because i've never experienced this type of weakness in my iman ever before.
About 5 years ago, I met a boy in high school. We became good friends & then he started to show interest in me. At first I tried to stay away from it but then things got really serious between us. I completely fell in love with him. We were together on/off for about 4 years & during that time I caught him cheating on me about 2-3 times with other non-muslim & muslim girls.
That really broke my heart but he had promised to marry me one day & I believed that firmly. I got along with his family very well & everything seemed perfect. I knew that my parents would never accept him because he was a not a very good practicing Muslim & had not even finished the Quran once. He wasn't even going to college but I would always try to convince him to stop smoking & stop his occasional drinking & change his habits but he wouldn't do that. It really started to tear me down mentally & emotionally.
Basically, for the past year this guy has put me through a roller coaster of emotions where he becomes so perfect for a few weeks & then starts his abusive behavior again after a while. I don't understand whether he really even wants to marry me anymore or not. Just recently he broke up with me for like the millionth time & I told myself that after this even if he comes back to me I won't speak to him because he is just toying with my heart. I have always had strong faith in Allah swt & I know that my actions were haraam which is why im suffering right now. I'm not a bad person or bad Muslimah (hopefully) but this one incident in my life has stirred up my life. I fell for him at such a young age & have been nothing but faithful to him ever since. It hurts when I think about the fact that he has played with my emotions. I have so many questions for him but I know I wont ever get any answers.
Theres no point in arguing with him because he clearly says that everything he does in his life is based on his "mood". Then I dont understand why every few weeks he comes back to my life & acts perfect & starts to make me believe that everything between us will be perfect? Why doesn't he marry me if he's so serious? I think he's afraid that my parents won't accept him & since he knows he cant change himself than its better to leave me now.
But then I come to this second dilemma that didn't he know that since day one? Then why did he still continue to lie to me & tell me that he cared for me & loved me? I left so many of my friends because of him & fought with my parents a lot. Now I feel so betrayed & lost. I try to continue making dua but sometimes it feels like my heart isn't in it. As if I'm not making dua wholeheartedly. I feel so depressed & sometimes ask myself whats the point of making dua for sabr or sukoon if I know that when he comes back I will accept him again. How do I help myself become strong again? How can I forget about him completely.
I've come to the point where I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I feel like I'm losing my imaan & it kills me when I think about the reason behind it. I dont understand what to do with myself. I'm confused, depressed & extremely stressed. I want to forget about him completely at this point. I've done tauba so many times but failed because I end up with him again. I dont want to make a joke out of Islam but I feel like thats all i'm doing by keep giving him chances when clearly he doens't want or deserve them anymore.
Truth is, I sincerely love him & want him to change for his best so that we can get married & be happy. Deep down in my heart that is all I want. However, its starting to seem as if thats impossible therefore I want to just be able to rely on Allah swt & gain the strength in my iman again. Please suggest some duas or wazifa I can perform in order to get through this. Like i said, I'm not Islam illiterate therefore i understand the severity of the sins that I've committed. But right now I just want to stop this pain from tearing apart my heart so I can be a good daughter to my parents again. That is all.
-Binte.Adam
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Sister,
You already know in your heart that you are going no where with this guy. As long as you allow him to come in and out of your life...he will. You deserve better and you know it. No one says letting go is easy but considering the life you have ahead with someone like him...letting go and moving on with your life sounds like the best thing you could ever do. You may want him to change but change has to come from within. I pray that you can find the strength within yourself to let go and find peace.
Salam
Asalaam alaikum,
Sister BintAdam, you don't love this man. Instead, you've allowed yourself to become his victim, because you replaced the love of Allah (swt) with this boy's lies, so you have become trapped in this scenario.
What I'm about to write may seem rude, but when you read it, think about your life. What this is then, is your life, but with the reality of the situation exposed.
You see Sister Binte.Adam, Allah (swt) has not allowed this person to marry you or for this trial to be easy, because if you do continue with this person, the above paragraphs will be your fate. What you have lost isn't just a degree of faith, but the realization that Allah (swt) has been trying to allow you to see what life is really like with this person. You think you are far away from Allah (swt), but don't you know that Allah (swt) comes to the rescue of the believers?
Dear Sister Binte.Adam, you are suffering from having knowledge, but not belief in what Allah (swt) has decreed between right and wrong. You know that everything that you were doing was wrong and still you say you have a love for a person that has lead you astray? Sister, this is not the true reality. What you have done is attach your worldly desires to the inclinations of the wrong doers. Instead, you need to regain your belief in our Lord that what He wants and exposes is the best for you.
Therefore, you can sit and pray all you want, but until you are ready to admit that Allah (swt) has already shown you the way out of this quarrel, you will not gain the strength of belief. With true belief, your dua can become a weapon of the believer. You thus need to turn your flapping of the tongue into the supplication worthy of calling upon Allah (swt).
The Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) has said: "Shall I introduce to you a weapon which will protect you both from the evils of enemies and increase your sustenance? They said: Yes, O Messenger of Allah. The Holy Prophet of Islam (saw) replied: Call your Lord day and night, for "Dua" is the weapon of a believer."
Ali ibn Abi Talib (as) says: "Dua" is the shield of a believer. If you keep on knocking the door of Divine Mercy, it will be opened to you."
The Holy Qur'an Chapter 2, Verse 186
And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the supplicant when he calls on Me, so they should answer My call and believe in Me that they may walk in the right way.
The Holy Qur'an Chapter 40, Verse 60
And your Lord says: "Call on Me; I will answer you (Prayer): but those who are too arrogant to serve Me will surely find themselves in Hell - in humiliation!"
Lastly, this dua may serve you well.
O Allah, I seek Your forgiveness for those wrongdoings for which I had turned repentant unto you but have done again. I seek your forgiveness for those deeds which I planned to do for your sake only but afterwards other interests not connected with You crept in, and I seek Your forgiveness for my taking advantage of the bounties You gave me, in order to disobey You. I seek forgiveness of Allah (who is) “There is no god save He, the self-subsisting, the knower of the unknown and known, the beneficent, the merciful.” For all those sins which I have committed and for all those transgressions I perpetrated. O Allah grant me perfect ability to use, follow and apply reason, astute and keen determination, preponderant genius, pure heart, all-embracing wisdom and beautiful elegent manners. Let all these favours work for my good; let them not harm me, through your mercy, O the most merciful.
I seek forgiveness of Allah who is: “There is no god save He, the self-subsisting” and I turn repentant unto Him.
Masha Allah an eye opening response.
Sister, you know what you have to do.
I know its very difficult because you have spent so long fooling yourself into believing that you will marry this guy but it is your step towards recovery.
In being with this guy you have lost and are losing: your self respect, your iman, your relationship with Allah swt and you are being treated like dirt and abused.
Dont even think about marrying this guy, you know how it will turn out. If he cannot be faithful to you before marriage (and he abuses you) do you think he is going to stop and become magically loving and faithful after marriage?
No.
It doesnt work that way. People tend to be on their best behaviour before marriage and get worse afterwards. I know deep in your heart you know he is not going to change but you need to find the strength to leave this excuse of a man and realise that you deserve better. But until you take the step you are going to be stuck in this cycle of pain.
So first things first:
-Cut off contact with this guy. Dont speak to him, dont answer his calls in case he tries to sweet talk you around.
-If you need to break up with him do it by email or text.
- Keep yourself busy with the remembrance of Allah and beg His forgiveness.
Yes it will hurt to let go of this guy (well the idea of him) but honestly for the first time in your life you will be at peace InshaAllah. I say this because no one can never be truly happy and content while in a state of disobedience to their Creator. Once you do this you can begin to heal.
I pray Allah swt gives you the strength to leave this guy and change your life and pray He fills you life with happiness.
It honestly will get better and no matter how much it initially hurts to finally say goodbye - you will move on and find happiness again But InshaAllah next time you won't put your happiness in someone else's hands.
Please feel free to comment on here if you want further support sis - its your post and we are here for you.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
My story is same like..m totally broken...m fully in pain, stress...i tried myself to keep myself busy..but all in vain..i cant make dua for me as i feel allah will not listen me..
Plz pray for me...i m in deep pain..
sister think it seriously the heart u have is given by ALLAH and you are also a hafiza you have quran in your heart it is a blessing of ALLAH on you........sister these are feelings are from shetaan it is not love ..........i want to tell u that think of your parrents what they did for you..........just make your heart only for ALLAH,s love and let stop thinking of that guy and practice it fot one week and read quran with translation inshaALLAH you will that peace in your life that you han not ever thnk of inshaALLAH my sis and also think that your ideal is ami aysha(R.A)
dear friend,
I was also a fool just like u. met a naughty boy during my college days, gave all my heart thinking he wil change for my love, fought with friends nd parents, convinced them, got married, now getting divorced. we all have one life nd the partner with whom we share our life is most important. so pls value urself nd dont destroy ur life for a person who doesnt deserve u. u are not only doing harm to urself but to ur parents nd ur children too.pls dont destroy ur life. Allah cannot tell u directly to leave him. he gives signs and hints. God has already made u understand that he is cheating on you. now its u who is cheating urself. i was also the same. pls value ur life.
Sista you're just like me.. I had waste my 5 years for someone who even didnt think about me for a second..but now finally with a lot of duas,blessing of ALLAH Almighty I've move on and Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah I'm so much happy in my life so just let him go and move on...love yourself