Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Losing my faith after 22 years of patience – memoirs of a polygamist home

Dear All,

I am a 29 year old married female and this post is about my father. When I was around 7 years old, my father cheated on my mother with a colleague and later married her. He went for his 2nd marriage without any remorse for his extra-marital affair, when she was pregnant with my younger brother and also physically abused her during the pregnancy (once broke a sewing machine on her stomach). I, as a child saw all this and was very mentally disturbed. He then took me from my mother and brothers and left me at my grandmother's for 1 year where I was not allowed to speak to my mother or see her ( my grandmother also very physically abusive towards me and once put my vomit back in my mouth, I was 8). Anyhow, after his 2nd marriage my mother was determined to get divorce from him but he convinced her to stay by taking hallaf on the Holy Quran, that he will never make us children suffer, he will never have more children and he will give us all our due rights. He moved his 2nd wife into our house to live with us.

As time went by, he went back on all his words. He had 3 children with his 2nd wife and would spend most of his time with them. He would also keep all his money and assets with his 2nd wife, always giving our family a very meager amount for our expenses. He was also very abusive towards me, my mother and my brothers. For every little thing, he would always degrade and humiliate us. Although he is a very rich man, he would always create a scene when we asked him for money, our school fees or eid clothes. Even living in the same house, he would not even wish us on our birthdays and eids while getting his other children very expensive clothes and gifts on theirs. Moreover, he would never let any of us interfere in his other family's matters but our matters were always a public affair. His other children would come to our rooms, go through our things, misbehave with us, create troubles between us and our father etc etc. His other children always made sure that we never have any privacy with our father and our father would also encourage this behavior.

We were never allowed to say anything to his 2nd wife and children, no matter what they did to us. But they had a free pass for everything. When those children were young, we would always be nice to them. My mother breastfed one of her pre term babies and my brothers taught one of her sons to walk. But as they grew up they turned out to be snakes and the sole purpose of their lives was to separate us from our father. For that, they would lie, cheat, deceive and plot all the time. Time went by and we grew up in a very stressful environment with all kinds of mental and sometimes physical abuse. My father was always unjust and if we ever spoke up the only response we got was "Most people leave their 1st families when they go for a 2nd marriage. You people should be thankful that I still kept you and fed you. I will do however I please. If you people have a problem with my behavior then I will divorce your mother and kick you all out. I dont need you people. I have other children for myself". These were his exact words every time we spoke up about the injustice. This was the humiliation we faced on a regular basis and while for most people their home is a safe environment, ours was a little piece of hell.

Every single thing was a struggle and a war. My engagement, my wedding, my nikkah, my education. I am not saying he didn't fulfill these responsibilities. I graduated from UK and had a very nice wedding (that he could easily afford). But only I know the struggle I went through to make that happen as him and his other family would always create issues and he would not give me the money etc etc. I always fulfilled all his expectations, married with his choice, got the best grades and everything. I always tried to make him proud. But he always failed me.

When I was departing on my wedding day, I only asked my father of one thing i.e. to take care of my mother. The very next week after my wedding, he left my mother without any reason. I am her only daughter and we were very close. So, while I was struggling to start a new life (of which he had set a very bad example), I was also extremely worried about my mother. It would hurt me to the core to think that while she is sick and old, she has been left alone. I would stay up at nights crying my heart out worrying for her well-being. At that time, she was left with only 1 of my brothers and the other one was out of town for studies. But things did not stop there. With the passage of time, he started becoming very violent with me and my brothers. I was visiting my parents one time and he literally pushed me out of the house on a very trivial thing. That was my breaking point.

After that I decided not to have anything to do with him again. My brothers also stopped speaking to him for a whole 6 months and he did not bother contacting us either.  During that time, I went through clinical depression and a miscarriage due to all the stress. My 25 year old brother developed hypertension. Even my husband got tired of my condition due to my own family matters. After a while, we reconciled with him only thinking of it as a major sin to cut ties with our father. But even after reconciliation, he did not change his behavior. And we are still suffering. He has made me a laughing stock in front of my in-laws. He has a huge business, but he always openly announces that my brothers will have nothing to do with it and only his other children will take care of that. He openly declares that all his assets will go to his 2nd family.

This whole 22 year cycle has FINALLY taken its toll on my physical and mental health. I was always very strong but in the past 2 years I have become an anxiety patient. I cannot handle the slightest level of stress anymore, often have anxiety attacks and everytime my phone rings I think something terrible has happened at home. I have developed strange phobias of flights and drives. I have totally lost control of my health.

All this time, I never compromised on my morals. I may not have prayed 5 times a day but I always stood strongly for Allah's principles. I dont lie, deceive or hurt others. I have always endured all the troubles and shown patience. But now I feel like my faith is slipping. I dont see any chance of things improving. Even though I have a great married life but I just always feel guilty about leaving my mother there to suffer. I feel guilty about being happy and I just cant stop worrying. I just cant stop asking God "why me? why my mother? I have my whole life in front of me but what about my mother? What is His plan for her? When will this tyranny end? Will it ever end? Will we ever be able to live a normal life not being scared to death for our loved ones? Will we ever have peace? When will these people get paid for their sins? Is this world only there for us to suffer?" I have also been having suicidal thoughts. I dont think I can live with the pain and worries anymore. I dont see any point in continuing this life when I just cant be happy or at peace.

I am now full of hatred and anger towards this life and also towards God. Because I just dont see hope anywhere. We continue to suffer after 22 years and things only get worse.

 

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10 Responses »

  1. Sister. Pray. That's all. Just pray. And don't think. Thoughts are meant to be moderate but if they hurt your mental health then leave the thoughts. Allah is always Just, no matter what happens to us of good and evil. I have much of what you said and I'm still suffering but it's getting better. So just pray, and purge the thoughts that harm you and push you to an imbalanced frame of mind until one despairs and starts to think and feel ill of Allah. I tell you now, this religion demands us to be moderate, to follow the middle path. May Allah bless you and your loved ones.

  2. Salaam sister. Allah is trialling you and your family and sometimes these trials are very difficult to bare. You and your family especially your mother have gone through a lot in life and Allah will reward you for your patience. Your father is an unjust man and his day will come where he will stand in front of his lord who is the most just. Let him enjoy the temporary wealth and power he has. Try and not let this ruin your marriage. Be there for your family as much as you can especially your mother. Explain your situation to your husband and insha'Allah he is understanding and supportive. If you have your own place one day, maybe you can bring your mother to live with you in the future. But ultimately sister, dua is the weapon of a believer. Have faith in Allah, know that what he does is for the best. Maybe there is so much life lessons, wisdom, etc in this which we cannot see. Tell your mother to have full faith in Allah and continue with her patience. Remember Allah trials whom he loves, so don't lose faith, don't think selfishly about suicide because that decision will worsen the situation for yourself in the afterlife and those you leave behind will suffer even more. I make dua that Allah makes your family happy and please continue to pray 5 times a day and make plenty of dua as you don't know when it will be the time where Allah will accept it

  3. Salaams Sister,

    I know it's hard to believe but I promise you that this is a test from Allah. Pass this test and Allah will open 10 doors for you .

    I've had my bouts of depression and i know it's hard to continue being strong. Things did eventually get easier for me.

    Allah tests those he loves the most. Continue reading the third kalimah. It is a cure for depression.

    Remember that Allah Tala says in the Quran, that with every hardship, comes ease. Things will get better. Just continue praying and have faith in the mercy of Allah.

    There is always hope.

    Allah is Great!

  4. Why aren't you helping your mother instead of blaming Allah? What is stopping you from looking after your mother? If you're worried about our mother, explain the situation to your husband and make arrangements for her to live with you or elsewhere in a safe environment if that would be more appropriate.

    Why are you and your mother so hung up on your father? Cut him off completely. Honouring your father does does not mean taking abuse from him to the point you're suicidal. You need to cut him off to protect your own life - which takes priority over honouring an evil and despicable man who treats a set of his own children so badly. It is precisely because you take all the suffering that he does not learn from his mistakes.

    Get your mother out and cut him off completely, you will see what Allah does to him in this life!

  5. Remember, Prophet Muhammad SAW said that the man who treats his family bad is not a part of my ummah. Is there a bigger curse? All those who wrong will pay and when it is time to pay, no one will help them. Can you take your mother to your home, can she have a job, can she stay with your brothers? There must be a way to help her. How about a women's shelter. Anything is better than physical abuse especially in old age.

    • Sister cut your father completely out of your life
      Bring your mum with you have chat with your husband live away from your father move out please don’t blame Allah Pak it’s you who need to take step
      You have made worse to your self what’s stopping you not to live far from your father having sucidal thoughts you making it worse you have husband mother brother who still cares for you
      Sister I’m social worker I now sister Zara who does councillig know she was same situation has you MashaAllah she is out of it maybe you can have chat with her it might help it’s hard to come out but having chat will help you has she been in same situation has you
      Sister they are still people out there who are worse then you but they don’t think sucidal thought have chat with sister Zara

  6. Salam..1st of all backup those words..
    First of all we are all tested sweetheart.Everyday of your life moment is a test for you me everybody.The 10 30 50 60 90yrs of this world is actually very short .The veils will be removed when a person expires and the reality will kick in.You see our invisible enemy shaitan knows us better then we do.He will do anything to keep you away from proper faith.Depression is the order of the day.Think about look at the world today divorce suicide drug addiction sexual abuse physical abuse diseases.Oh yes cancer.Ask a person who is about to die with cancer to switch with you..Life is precious.Do you know scholors say that slot of people are possessed and they dont even know it.For happiness and steadfastness...we must make are foundation concrete..
    Basics 5 times a day perfect it / Quran morning and evening/ 3 tasbih min astag durood and 3rd kalimah 100each morning evening..We must have some attachment to the sunni mosque were theres a women's chapters or women's program like taleem at a ladies house.we must be involved with the muslim community and make friends Also are deen requires to be the best in the world ..
    Education etc...Look I know you are effected because all that you saw but it could of been worse...think about you have a mom and it's your duty to serve n have good friendship as for your dad we can only just be nice for the sake of Allah.
    Dont worry for everybody will be standing infront Allah and will have to pay without any delay.So build a connection with Allah..Quran is what's missing
    Just look at all the virtues just reading Quran..
    There is also one thing that's important for healthy heart that's haram food music bad programs movies that dont benefit. You will see a change and peaceful feeling...remember when we look or hear something it goes straight to the heart and it effects us...Believe I lived a hard life even wanted to kill myself.I wasnt muslim at the time.Mind you I had alot ot experiences in the world bu the time I hit 25yrs old.

    .it was my prayer and cry for answers that made me find Allah.And so I was guided somehow to spend some time in tabligh jamaat.From this all the answers I was looking for in life were answered....and as time passed I married a scholor from there and raised 3 kids ...my oldest girl is a blk belt taewondo and goes to school wants to be pediatrician .2nd girl is a soccer player loves the game and my little boy is wild monkey...We need to really look that nobody is perfect only Muhammad our prophet was and hes are roll model.
    I know deep in that heart you can do way better just be simple in life dont ne complicated and understand that Allah wisdom is behind everything..there is one story that was lesson read it..its about Ayub a.s the prophet that was tested with so much sickness n disease....that his own wife was doubting Allah..

    .

  7. Asalamwalakum Cinderella, I understand were your coming from, maybe not completely but from how you have explained the problrm.I can surely guaranteed you that Allah is clearly testing you, Your life how it’s going now it’s all part of something that will turn out good. Yes you can’t get rid of all those bad memories the things that have happened in the past and You can’t change anything in the past but you can to the future. It’s how you take on this challenge Allah has given you behind every dua that you pray for there three answers. Yes.... Yes not now and yes but something even better. You're dad and step siblings aren’t going to have a happy life. They may have all the money but money can’t but happiness. No one can ever have both love from family and a good financial life. But if you separate yourself from this negativity and take your mom and husband away live your own life with the people thy truly care for you. When your dad is going to realise that he made a huge mistake then he’ll feel all that pain that you felt over the years, a time will come where you will over succeed and they will fail, but don’t brag about success because that can easily be taken away, that’s why they say you can take a thousands steps away from Allah but it only takes 1 step to go back to him. Keep praying keep up with the good deen. And then you said about you and ur husbands relationship don’t ruin that just for one person. But please don’t think negativity the more you think about negative thoughts themore you become like an addict always thinking one thing over the other ur biased thy won’t lead you anywhere. Inshallah ur problems resolve. If u want to talk u can give you my email or something just message me and I’ll make an account.

  8. Sister: Do not neglect your duty to Allah. However, you have a responsibility to yourself, your husband, and your mother to not interact with your father. No one in Islam is obligated to go out their way to be mistreated by a relative. So stay away from your Dad. He is a troubled person with problems that you can not fix. In many societies he is considered an abusive spouse or parent. Helping him is not your job or duty. You can be civil or cordial if you see your father in public or at an event, but you should limit your interaction with him. You owe him nothing based on the abuse you tolerated over the years. The belief that children must obey their parents and that we should not remain apart from relatives is based on the parent being normal and considerate, as in the situation where a parent and child differ on personal or social matters, or the adult child gets a reprimand from the parent for a poor work ethic, low school grades or not fulfilling promises. Abuse is another matter. Abuse is criminal.

    Consider focusing your energy on your own family and duties to your home, work or school. And be especially kind to your mother.

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