Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Loss of child killing me, was it my fault?

Newborn baby boy

Salams brothers & sisters,

Please I need you to shed some light on this matter for me. When I found out I was pregnant again after my first child; I was very grateful to Allah SWT but I felt some sense of fear. Not long I started bleeding so I went to check and was told that I was carrying twins. I was so happy and I remeber thanking Allah sincerely by helping other people. Few weeks after I realise that everywhere I went there was either news about someone losing their pregnancy or they've lost their child. Even on the TV, so I decided that I needed to stay away from the TV; even my friends were having miscarriages.

I got very prayerful and I started to go to mosque to pray. I was also in full time employment but my job was an office job and I always drove to work. My hubby got me a comfortable car as my bump was big so after 20 weeks I told my husband that we needed to start shopping but he kept saying we needed to wait and save more money since we are shopping for two. Weeks after this we found two cats in our garden and we decided to look after them and they decided to stay with us. Some days after I went to our local shopping mall and they were doing sale but something said to me to buy something my eldest child could use if things were to go wrong. Immediately I seeked refuge with Allah from shaitan but I ended up buying wipes.

Days to me reaching 26 weeks, my husband was hit by a car but was okay and we decided to pray. That weekend I went to mosque to pray with my eldest child and on our way home she was nearly killed by a car, I screamed "ALLAH" and a woman rushed and grabbed her for me. I got home cried and prayed again. By this time I had stopped working but still drove around for school run; two weeks after my child's incident on a friday, I remember cooking and a brother needed help so I offered, but my eyes were heavy so I took cab instead of driving. After I got home I couldn't sleep so I decided to watch some DVD; to my shock it was story about a woman who lost her child. After that a friend of mine put on her profile that she lost her two year old cousin and was so upset, so I called her to console her. Then I decided to pray before going to bed so I finished the prayer at 12 midnght and went to sleep. Got up at 2am to use the loo and my water broke; got to the hospital and the Dr said he has to deliver as the cord has dropped. I was screaming Allah, the next day everything was over and I saw my boys but they were tiny.

I was discharged and the boys were kept in an incubator. weeks after I kept hearing about people losing their childen; again, I would pray and pray but not long I lost 1 of my boys and we came to also realise that one of the cat has gone missing. I can't stop crying and thinking maybe I should have not driven, or slept early or not cooked and not wtched dvd on that day. My husband seems to think I was too scared all through the pregnancy and other people say maybe it was my stress but my child lived for 16days before he died but they keep saying maybe my stressing brought about the preterm labour. I am so confused. I need my mind at rest. Please help me



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3 Responses »

  1. Life is in Allah (SWT's) hands, saying this happened and it was all your fault is completely wrong. Nothing is your fault sister. This could have been for the best and I think the cat story and the twins is somehow related, you lost one of your cat and one of your child. Whatever happens is for the best. Please stop thinking it's your fault otherwise you're at a risk of falling into depression and it will be hard to cope with just one child. Allah is by your side and don't you forget it. x

  2. Salaam sister Habiba.

    I want to make a point before I start this comment:
    Sister driving, cooking and watching DVDs do not cause pre-term labour. I do not know if stress can cause pre-term labour, but it is not good for you healthwise or emotional wise. So maintain a positive attitude and try to avoid being so scared in future. Remember that Shaytaan wants to cause worry to you. My mother shared some advice with me, and I will share it with you. When I was little and I used to have bad dreams about a particular things I used to always think they would come true. She advised me to give every dream, no matter how bad a good tafseer. Always look at them as though they mean something good and try not to over-think too much. So when you hear about loss do not read into too much - do not think something bad is going to happen. This is not accusing you but if you dont do this, it drives you a bit mad.

    I am so sorry for your loss sister. Please do not blame yourself for this. This is not your fault. This was the will of Allah swt and InshaAllah your child will drag you and his father to paradise with him.

    It was narrated that Abu Hassaan said: I said to Abu Hurayrah: Two of my sons have died. Can you narrate to me any hadeeth from the Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) which will console us for our loss? He said: Yes: “Their little ones are the little ones (da’aamees) of Paradise. When one of them meets his father – or his parents – he takes hold of his garment – or his hand – as I am taking told of the hem of your garment, and he does not let go until Allaah admits him and his father to Paradise.”

    This was narrated in the hadeeth of Samurah ibn Jundub (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) often used to say to his companions: “Has anyone among you seen a dream?” and whoever Allaah willed would tell him what he had seen. One day he said: “Last night two people came to me and made me get up, and they said to me: ‘Let’s go.’ So I set off with them…” He mentioned things that he had seen, then he said:

    We set off, and we came to a verdant garden, in which were all the colours of spring, where there was a man who was so tall that I could hardly see his head in the sky. Around the man was the largest number of children I had ever seen…” Then among things that the two angels explained to him was: “As for the tall man who was in the garden, that was Ibraaheem. As for the children who were around him, these are all the children who died in a state of fitrah.” One of the Muslims said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the children of the mushrikeen?” He said: “And the children of the mushrikeen.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (7047).

    And it was narrated that Ibn Mas’ood (may Allah be pleased with him) said:

    The souls of the children of the believers are in the crops of birds which go wherever they want in Paradise and return to lamps hanging from the Throne. End quote.

    So do not let it eat you up. It is shaytaan that it making you feel as though it is your fault, but in reality you had no control over this. Do not question why, or beat yourself up. Ask Allah swt to reveal the good in this for you and give you patience and strength to get through this. Ask Him to put your heart at rest. And forgive yourself. You are not at fault. The feelings you feel are normal though and it is somewhat normal for women who have lost their child to blame themselves. But certainly do not let it take over your life.

    May Allah swt ease you and your family's hearts and reunite you with your child in Jannat!

    Sara Editor

  3. Here is an extract:

    Coping with a miscarriage can be one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do. Miscarriage often brings about feelings of fear, guilt, sadness, and depression. It you have recently experienced a miscarriage, you may be finding it difficult to go to work, see friends, or just get out of bed in the mornings. You may also be worried about your future fertility and happiness. Though it may seem hard right now, there are certain steps that you can take to help ease your pain. By acknowledging your grief, finding the right support, and learning to let go, you will find that you will be able to deal better with the terrible pain of miscarriage.

    Emotions and Miscarriage
    There are a number of different emotions that you may be experiencing if you have gone through a miscarriage. An important part of coping with your miscarriage is allowing yourself to feel these emotions, openly and honestly.

    Shock and Grief: Immediately after a miscarriage, many women enter into an initial state of shock. Miscarriages are often sudden and unexpected, and therefore yours may have left you feeling as if you have been run over by a bus. Though an awful feeling, this shock is a natural part of the coping process. After shock, you may experience different levels of grief. Everybody expresses their grief in different ways, whether it's screaming and shouting, or sitting in silence. It is completely okay for you to experience this sadness.
    Anger and Guilt Numerous women experience feelings of anger and guilt after a miscarriage. You may find yourself silently cursing that pregnant woman sitting next to you, or angrily wondering why this miscarriage had to happen. You may also find that you are blaming yourself for your miscarriage. It is normal to experience this anger and guilt, but you must keep reminding yourself that you are not to blame.

    Grieving Your Loss
    It is very important that you and your partner work together to grieve your loss. Take some time off work in order to remember and reflect. You may want to memorialize your baby in a special way. You could:

    Plant a tree in his honor.
    Make a donation, in his memory, to a charitable foundation,
    Have a quiet ceremony to celebrate your time together.
    Prepare a journal or scrapbook to celebrate his life.

    Turning To One Another
    Miscarriage can be a very stressful experience for both you and your partner. Your partner will also be feeling similar emotions to you, so you need to support one another. You may find that your relationship becomes strained as both of you come to terms with your grief, so it is important to stay close and connected. Set aside some quiet time for just the two of you: go for a walk, see a movie, or just cuddle with each other. This quiet time can help you to stay connected during the grieving process.

    Turning to Others
    Dealing with others may be particularly difficult at this point in time. Your friends and family will want to help you, but they may not know how to respond to your pain and loss. You might find that your family members say things like, "You can always have another baby" or, "Maybe it's all for the best." Of course, these comments are highly insensitive and only work to trivialize your grief. But they are not said out of ignorance or malice; many people simply don't know how to deal with loss themselves.

    Try to voice your grief to your family and friends the best you can. Ask for their support in the form of a shoulder to cry on or a friendly ear to listen. If family comments are getting you down, politely ask family members to just listen, not speak. They will not take offense. Find one family member of friend who you can rely on. Lean on this person for support and don't hesitate to call on her when you need it.

    Getting Support

    Grieving is something that every individual has to do after they have experienced a miscarriage. But you don't have to do it alone. There are many resources out there for women and couples who have experienced miscarriage or stillbirth.

    Support Groups:
    Support groups are specially designed to help you deal with your emotions of grief, anger, and depression in a group setting. There are a number of support groups that help women and couples deal specifically with the news of miscarriage. Pregnancy loss support groups can provide you with coping tips and information on recovering from miscarriage and dealing with your grief. These groups are often very helpful because they allow you to talk with other couples that have also experienced miscarriage. Ask your health care provider or local hospital or women's center for a listing of support groups in your area.

    Talk Therapists:
    Talk therapists can meet with you individually or they can help you and your partner to grieve your loss together. Talk therapy allows you to express your feelings surrounding your miscarriage in an open setting. It can also help to provide you with techniques that will enable you to better understand what has happened. Talk therapists can also offer you ways to help move on when you are ready.

    Writing it Out:
    Writing is an excellent way to let out your emotions that have built up inside. Through writing, people are often better able to deal with their feelings and begin to move on. In fact, studies have shown that journal writing can help speed up the healing process. Writing through an online space can be helpful as you not only get to release your emotions, but may also contribute to the healing of those who read your story.

    Fertility Counselors:
    Fertility counselors can help you deal with miscarriage by discussing the details around your loss. A fertility counselor can meet with you and your partner to discuss the reasons why your pregnancy ended. Fertility counselors often help couples to deal with feelings of guilt that so often surround a miscarriage.

    When Things Become Too Much
    It is natural for you to experience sadness, loneliness, and grief after a miscarriage. However, if you begin to experience extreme depression, it is important that you seek help. Depression can manifest in many ways, but is often accompanied by extreme sadness, prolonged fatigue, lack of interest, and feelings of guilt or self-harm. Depression can be treated through therapy and medications, so be sure to get help from your health care provider if you feel you need it.

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