Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Lost all respect and love for husband after I caught him cheating

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Salaam

I got married almost two years ago. I married him thinking I was leaving my loving family and getting a new one. This was not the case as his family don't care about him let alone me.

Moved out of his parents house after a month. Found out he was flirting around with girls on fb.. forgave him and forgot about that and carried on. I thought we were quite happy but 5 months later I found out he has been emailing, phoning, texting and fb'ing girls... talking dirty.. sending inappropriate pictures etc... this went back to the day we got married.

I felt Extremely betrayed that the day I got married to him... thinking I am starting a new life with him... was so happy... that very same day he was flirting around with 5 or 6 random girls.

Confronted him. He denied ever meeting them. He didn't see what he had done as a big thing. Didn't really apologize properly.. instead stopped speaking to me and coming home late... so I did the same... just started living my own life.... for a very long time I was living with him but just as flat mates... cleaning and cooking for him but that's it.

Because he couldn't afford the rent he got his friend and his wife to move in with us... so we gave them our bedroom and we were sleeping on the floor in the living room. I was very uncomfortable with this.. it didn't bother him.

Anyway.. We are okay now... he jokes around with me.. we talk.. but I have just lost so much respect for him and have no love for him. I feel like I'm his mother more than his wife. I care about him and feel sorry for him because his own parents don't care about him, but have no emotional or spiritual connection with him. I don't want to have children with him as I don't feel he would make a good dad.

I think about who I could have married instead of him all the time and it drives me crazy. I have been close to leaving him but feel sorry for him so I stay.. I don't know what to do?

Is it fair to stay with him feeling the way I do..? Staying with him because I feel sorry for him..? What does Islam say about this? I know my feelings won't change...I have tried but he's broken my trust and I just don't love him... I don't like it when he touches me. I feel nothing sexual towards him.

Any advice?

- R.M.

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23 Responses »

  1. All I have to say I hate cheaters who cheat I saw what my sister went threw with her husband of 10 years cheating never change. Now she left him with tow young daugthers.cheating is horrible I dislike people that cheat. If you think you'll cheat then don't get married. I feel so bad for you sister insallah allH open a better door for you soon.

  2. Spell check Allah open a better door for you soon

  3. u said that "Because he couldn't afford the rent he got his friend and his wife to move in with us".

    Do you cover yourself (wear a abaya) in front of his friend ?

    • Really? Her husband is possibly sending women pictures of his penis and cheats on his wife and your focus is whether or not this woman is wearing abaya? Why don't you just stick to the subject the OP is concerned about?

      • Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un

        __________________
        May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

      • Some brothers like Br. Abdulla only know how to shove their Islamic knowledge down to our throat with their haram/halal mindset. How can someone be so insensitive?
        I believe it was Sheikh Suhaib Webb who said: “On the way of getting knowledgeable about Islam, don’t lose your humanity".

        • and what did i do?
          let me know.

          __________________
          May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

          • What did you do? The sister is concerned about her husband flirting with other women and all you care about is whether she covered herself up.

            I think a husband who is flirting with other women, causing hurt to his wife is a LITTLE bit more important than if a woman covers herself up. Just a thought.

          • simple things like women not covering themselves the way they should be covered in front of non mahram men could lead to more trouble.

            I asked her if she covers herself in front of him (i.e, wear abaya) or not. I asked her to know whats the case. If she is doing it then. alhamdulillah.
            if not then it could lead to more trouble. Allahu alam.

            She has her rights for separate accommodation.

            @asim - and what else did i do ? let me know.
            _________________
            May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  4. Assalaamu alaikum,

    Please end this charade and leave him. This is who he is and from what you say he doesn't seem to be ashamed of his behaviour.

    You say you don't respect him, well as you already know he doesn't respect you either. Not only by his sleazy online antics but by letting a strange man (a brother-in-law is death so how much worse is this, do you think?!) and a strange woman (in his presence) in your home.

    You are wasting your lives and worse still leading yourselves into wrongdoing. Do not have any kids, they aren't band aids for a broken marriage.

  5. Sister,

    Your husband from the looks of things is a boy, not a man at all. On Facebook talking and texting random women... can't afford the rent so his friends move in and you are sleeping on the floor?! You are not his roommate but his wife!

    Instead of looking to end things, sit down and talk with each other. You need to put everything on the table that is bothering you and he needs to listen to what you have to say. If you are to stay together to work on you marriage, the first step is moving out your husbands friends. If you can't afford the place you are in, move somewhere smaller. It is not acceptable for you to be sleeping on the floor...ever.

    If you both are willing to work to save your marriage, it is possible that you can. If he isn't willing to step up to make the necessary changes, then you need to do whatever is in your best interests.

    Salam

  6. No, staying with someone out of pity is not a good reason to remain in a marriage. The man made his own bed, now he has to lie in it - you have been too kind to spare him of the consequences of his cheating, but allow yourself to still suffer from his betrayal. Shouldn't it be the other way around seeing it was HIM who cheated and not you? Shouldn't it be him who suffers from guilt and a bad conscience?

    He sounds immature and selfish and, yes, I do believe it'd be horrible to breed children with such a person. Trust me, if you ever have kids with this guy, you'll be on your own in terms of raising them and looking after them. I know this type of guy, he'll most probably be way too oberwhelmed with parenthood to give it an effort; plus, in his life, he's experienced carelessness from his own family so most likely that's what he'll give to his own children, too. He sure is careless towards you, by not even acknowledging how bad and wrong his cheating is. You said it yourself that he sees is as a no big deal and that's very worrying. If cheating is no big deal to him, how must he feel about other bad stuff like alcohol, gambling, prostitution, pornography, stealing, lying?

  7. Salaams sister,
    You have made a commitment with each other but you can only carry on with this commitment if both parties yourself and ur husband keep up ur responsibilities and duties as a wife and husband. I agree with sis Najah- sit down talk to each other about what is bothering u- what you both must do. Take the necessary steps to make it work. Your right to not have kids yet as first you need to be stable with each other before you can provide a stable home for a child. If you can both step up and make the necessary changes then In Shaa Allah Allah will give you the tawfeeq to be successful - simple respect for each other is crucial the first change needs to be ur living conditions.
    Also sister u must forgive his past mistakes if u want to move on- if u can't forgive him even when and if he changed his attitude - then only you know what path you need to take?
    Hops this helps. I pray that Allah gives you both success
    Anonymous

  8. As far as I'm concerned you've got one choice only:

    -Go to counseling. Give him the offer of a fresh start. If you agree on ground rules of marriages and your future vision and goals then alright. And you give it a fair shot.

    -otherwise what use is it stay married to someone with loose character. You absolutely CANNOT raise kids with such a man with such a character.

    -IF after a fair chance till the end, he shows he is not worthy, then you ask for khula and move on.
    Period. You save your deen. you save your sanity.

  9. Thank you to everyone for your advice. It has helped.
    I do need to sit down and talk to him . I've given it two years and I don't see my feelings changing..
    I feel like I'm living in sin sometimes because everytime he touches me, comes close...i get repulsed by it. I feel like I'm not being fair on him...I know he wants children one day...and I don't want him to be the father of mine...I wouldn't want his parents or extended family ever playing a part in my childrens life if I ever were to have kids.

    Just one last time...Do I have grounds for khula or divorce..?

  10. Sister, please leave him. Men like him never change, only empty promises. Please think before you bring a child into this world especially in an unstable relationship. Speak to an imaan, be strong and think about yourself. Think about whether you'd want to spend the rest of your life with a man like that?

  11. To me also happens the same...we must share what is doing Internet nowadays to couple's life...Im sure if my husband have money enough he will travel all around the world to met these ramdon women...he is a lier,a cyber sex adicted,and no way to my feelings about him...I still loving and caring him,but I dont feel anymore as am his wife after i read what(lies) he said about me to other women that show on skype nd FB cam her sex ,and v.versa, including asking them marriage,calling them my wife, and other dirty foolishes.We are both muslim,but Islam dont work anymore on my husband...one minut he pray,other minut he run to internet...am thinking over to leave and go to another country with my kids nd make my life far from that nightmare...I've noticed that many,many of muslim husbands are having this kind of behaviors on internet,saying to these women that they are muslim,then they can have a second wife and trying to convert them to Islam to better achieve his intents on cyber sex.They dont respect Allah,they dont respect Quran,they dont respect himselves,they dont respect his wives,they just respect this "Slaves of Shaytan" that appear on internet to poison the life of clean women.In my case my huband is completly disturbed,he just do foolishes...he dont have concentration to deal with life and work,always anxious and nervous,near to have an heartattack 🙂 while he dont go to his shop to internet.So, I dont ask divorce,but I will live far of this hell,Inshallah

  12. Sallaam brothers and sisters i went through a simular faise with my wife we done love marrige well she was my first girl friend in my life we went out for Years before getting married we were blessed to have 2 beautifull children 1 girl and 1 boy mashaallah the sweetist cuties in the world i love em to bits they love me the same way i feed em clean the house dishes etc and work Which i recently had to stóp because she left em in the house and went to the park i cant work noing my 1 year old daughter and newborn are alone in a state so i started checking her Fone and noticed shea having phone sex with a guy iv nown since childhood thats so shamefull for me un believable my heart sank to my feet and neva came back up for a while when i read the message "you want cocky" i then sat her down talked to her she told me its a friend shes a girl etc when i foned it was a guy telin me his cumin down well i beat him up bad when he did come i came back inside and explained to her that i love her that much that ill forgive her aint gona tell her or my own family give it half hour and she txt him "dont call this number his got my fone im sorry" we argued again i took her fone of her and have her minę later i caught her deleting his number we were in my parents house we argued every1 found out she admited getin to no him on facebook through her best friend well best weddin friend Thobah its her niece how do i live with that i just cant noing its been going on for so long she been playin me i checked her fone and noticed 143 messeges 2 his number 3 in the mornin then 76 messeges 6 in the morning so everytime it was our babys feed tym she was txting d having fone sex wid a nxt man what Can i doo any sugestions i cant live with a cheat and lier

    • brother, I would divorce her, and keep the kids. That's me. How can you live with someone who constantly lies to you and betrays you? If she showed true remorse and was ready to give this bad behavior then maybe I could forgive her, but your wife seems to persist in her cheating ways.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalamualaikum waa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Mushawarah(consulting with others) is sunnah, and you are following the Sunnah.

      I say-divorce her akhi. She clearly shows no remorse. You can't trust her. Make dua for someone who is better.

  13. It sounds like your husband has no respect for himself as a man and because of this lack of self-respect has neglected his duty of care towards his wife. Perhaps he had bad parental role models and did not learn these skills. This is a very hard situation for you. You need to try and create the boundaries and structure that he lacked as a young boy which would have helped him grow into a man. Respect yourself and do not endure any disrespectful treatment, however do not get angry if he does this or shut him out. Discuss the matter calmly and let him know you are disappointed, but do not shut him out. React positively when he treats you well. It's sad, but essentially you have to train him to act like a man (as his parents should have done) since he did not learn this as a child. Don't be too hard on yourself if you fail. Damage inflicted by bad upbringing can be hard to undo.

  14. Salam everyone.

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