Lost and suicidal, Please help me.
Please help as i have made a big mistake in my past
i had disobeyed my husband for losing sabr since we had planned to stay in his brothers house for 6 months. I did not like the way they were treating me. my husband had trusted me and though that i would have sabr since we were married for 7 years but the reason is that i had past feelings towards my husband , and i had never communicated with him to let him know some things he did hurt my feelings. I had always forgave him without letting him know.
It gradually started to get worse, the reason why that was was because I had told him about my past/secrets ( I know i was stupid at that time) but he had told me if i did not he will know later. this had scared me all through my life. I had no one mto talk to as i did not want anyone to know that he was a bad husband. I did not share any of this to my parents coz they had losed trust in him, Bcoz before my marriage my parents made a contract with him( which was finishing my Education) and so He disobeyed coz He told me If i dont leave school shaytan will come between us. (since we lived in different countries. now All of this made me lose Hope/ Stopped praying. Obeyed him for whatever he had told me. From my first child I started to become depressed. It has gotten worse from my second child. I have become mentally/pschologicaly ill. He hit/beat me. Iam now in my parents home.
I have not told them about this /just told them that i had experienced lonelyness and that they were hating him.
My mother has said she has forgiven him. But The only thing that is keeping me back/ away from him is that I stupidily let my sister-inlaw and her husband know about our problems. Since i had knowen hers before she knowed mine as she knew about it she started to lie about the fact that she doesnt have any problems with her husband. Since I had a little baby to care for she was running the house chores. I feel sorry for her bcoz she was used like a doormat. In the eyes of my mother-inlaw i was always respected. Since my husband was out working. I hated to share my knowledge with my sister inlaw so i remained in my room with the kids and ignored what she was doing in the house.
We had a big/huge arguement one One morning I got up and I talked to my mother inlaw about how she treats my sister inlaw and me. Why has she changed with me and backed away from me. So I told my husband to gather all of them. and let them know that i was wrong but i want my right back too bcoz i started to get hatred in my heart. Husband now wanted me back like myself before we went to their house and lived there until our New house was built. I Feel guilty selfish and Horrible. I dont know that Allah has forgiven me. but since I let my sister inlaw know my problems she has now told everyone of my husband family about us (She is my husbands daughters auntie) So that is how close the relationship with them is. I feel as if everyone is looking down on me I feel as if Iam trapped lost I want to Suicide myself :(:(
Since the day we planned to go back to our country It wasnt at heart I did not put my trust in Allah I had this fright in my heart when at that time nothing was going on between me and my husbands brother. Basically he wasnt aware of anythings between me and my husband. but he is a very (BUtt in Person). This is why i got this fright as if he would get himself involved into our lives. I know I was wrong in the beginning I Prayed to Allah and made istikhara by the Quran If i should let my mother inlaw come and live with us. and It came out positive. But Iam just so scared :(:(:(:( i dont want her to grab a hold of my children with the thinking of the way i was before with them/ and now that iam different (I whenever see her with the children and when i call on them I get this shy feeling guilt inside me.
I dont know what to do where to turn to. ??? Help Plz make dua for me. Since I want to save this marriage. Iam in a state of Pschological illness. I have no sleep I dont know how to take care of the children like before. I have no feelings of love and mercy in my heart that much. My husband has told me to forget about the past and think of the future but how can I ? I feel like as if Iam in his hands I wasnt much of a sociliasing person before our marriage after the marriage and during and now. I have always felt like if i look at people problems God will hate me.
Jiaynaan.
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Sometimes the grammar and spelling of those from English second language backgrounds makes it hard for me to grasp exactly what happened, even with an extensive attempt to explain the issues. This is one of those cases.
🙁 Best of luck to you sister.
Sister,
I thought exactly the same thing! I find the post very confusind . Dont understand exactly what the problem is. Hope someone can help.
Salaams,
Sister, your post is not very clear as far as the situation. You talk a lot about feeling badly -even to the point of wanting to commit suicide- but I don't see anywhere in your post where you did anything wrong. Yes, we all lose patience from time to time, but this is part of having a nafs and something we continually work on. You are no worse than any of the rest of us for having gotten upset at various times.
What I did gather from your post is that your husband has treated you badly, even to the point of physically abusing you. Right now you seem to be at a point where you are having difficulty functioning because you are overwhelmed with pain, even though you now have a child.
Sister, if you are having this much difficulty it's very important that you get help. You should do this for your child's sake if not your own. I think you know in your heart that thinking about suicide is not the answer, and you're reaching out to us because you want to find a way out of your darkness. I strongly suggest you look for a counselor or psychiatrist in your area who you could talk to more about what's been going on and help you find a little more peace and balance.
Most importantly, if your husband is hurting you in any way, or you feel scared to be around him, please find a shelter you and your child can seek refuge in. Nothing you could've done would make you deserving of abuse. I could be wrong, since your post was difficult to follow, but I have the idea that a lot of the depression you are feeling may be only because your husband is not treating you as he should. Sister, if that's the case, please know it is NOT your fault. You can't make him treat you badly, he makes the choice to do that on his own. I really think that you should remove yourself and your child from him and find some counseling. Insha'Allah without having that stress in your life you can start sorting out what's going on and what you want to do in your next steps that will be in the best interest of both you and your child.
If you want to clarify anything so that we can help you further, feel free to comment as needed.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Jazakallah Amy. I will try to rewrite the post better.
I was in a very bad/emotional mood today I was very stressed out very angry. I apologize if I have bad grammar and spelling.
I have lost Faith and Confidence in talking, as I have not socialised. I feel awful speaking/ Ide rather choose silence. I had always chose silence.
Since I told My sister inlaw not to backbite me. There was not a reason to tell her that as she wasnt at that time backbiting me.
I know i was wrong 🙁 I wroter a different post but it is unanwsered i have written somethings in the other post.
I might be called a liar because i feel awful and regretful for everything. I have no one.
Salaams,
Sister, it's one thing to be shy, but it's another thing to be so passive that you allow others to mistreat you. You have the right to speak up and protect yourself if others are trying to harm you or otherwise work against you. If you are silent all the time, people who are against you will take advantage of this. You have to find your voice and become a little more assertive. It's not rude to do so.
From what I understand you saying, you accused your sister of talking about you when she didn't. Did you believe at the time that she was backbiting you, and just happened to make a mistake? That can happen to anyone. There's no need to let it make you feel like you are horrible.
Of course, it depends on how you confronted her somewhat. If you went to talk to her in a nice way, this is reasonable. If you came at her with verbal attacks and yelling at her, calling her names, then I suggest you apologize to her and tell her you will work on yourself so that you don't do it again.
Again, these are the same types of struggles we all might have. They are not the type of thing that would cause someone to have severe depression with suicidal thoughts and an incapacity to do your day to day activities. I still believe that your environment is likely contributing to that, and I stand my advice to you to leave your husband if he is endangering you and seek professional help.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Please calm down we are there to help you,.
asalamu alaikum,
sis whatever you did in the past should stay in the past, just as long you are not doing them now. there is no way to make everyone happy, there always gonna be negative attitude jealousy from other members of the family etc. you should not tell your in-laws about your past, cos it had nothing to do with them.
you also said he hit/beat you? sis if he is still doing this then report him to the police. also sis you said you wanna suicide myself? plss sis get those thoughts out your head. we are all destined to die so why rush towards death? imagin how hard is gonna be for your children.
now as a mother you need to focus on your own family, their upbringing all depends on the mother, and no one can replace a mothers love. you said you stop praying, plz sis dont miss your salaah, pray is extremely important, Allah (swt) to forgive you, help and guidance you inshallah.
through every hardship comes ease. i hope things goes well for you inshallah.
ma salama
Thank you jazak allah bro ahmed for replying to me.
Short story end of story. insha allah
I was raised up in a very arguemental family/strict.
basicaly i was raised up on guilt and bribery. Money/ whenever i got sick was the only love i got.
I was raped when i was about 7. I wasnt raised to have a strong imaan. I had always remembered Allah. whenever i commited any thing wrong.
I had never commited Zina alhamdulilah.
But my parents did not take care of me. My father never gotten himself involved in anything/ like giving love and compassion mercy and all of what fathers should be doing for his own children.
At the age of my teen years I started to have these feelings of LOVE for boys/ even older men.
I was bullied at school. I did not want to go to school everyday life was disaster for me. I had low self esteem/ confidence.
I met my husband on chat at the age of 14 i got married at age 16. as i said ''I had told him about my past/secrets ( I know i was stupid at that time''. Only Allah almighty knows which paths/ doors i had opened and walked through in life. I already had depression in my parents home. I had told my husband how sad and bored of life i was. As i got to know him even more we had phone sex but he blamed it on me because (He had never been with a women before). My heart was telling me that he didnt he wasnt a liar.
My marriage was so quickly arranged that i did not even know what was going on. Because my parents did not agree first but later they did. anyways. My husband made a contract that i would finish education. But i disliked school and he told me if i go to school shaytaan will come between us. He disagreed and disobeyed my parents. My parents called him a liar and gradually hated him. I did not know where to turn to.
when i moved to the country where he was living i did not want to even meet any of his friends i disliked them. As i repented for my past i had always been scared of people meeting me because Before my relationship with him i was in a relationship with 2 boys where he was living and he knows them. I was scared of the people who knew him would also tell other people who I was in the past. When i got married to my husband he told me if I had done anything else and who i have been with, If i dont then later he would know about Everything.
I had always been frightened. I had lost sexual desire with him from the very first day of our wedding, I was trying to tell him I had not commited a major sin by showing my facial expression and upsetness but he never understood to be honest he wasnt Gentle with me ( Im sorry for writting all of this in full detail.)
I masturbated and finished myself with my own hands/ even in bed with him. . The first 2- 3 years of our marriage he would always sometimes go on my emails and call upon me and check them out whilest i was there standing next to him. Anyhow
I Loved him but on the other hand i did not know how to explain to him. When i got pregnant and i got it checked out when i was in parents home/ The nurse came back with the results in her hand and said that I was pregnant Am I happy for that ? I said ''Yes'' My mother was sooooo shocked and said NO Im not. I got this feeling of O My God Mother ,deep in my eyes, I looked at her. Afterwards my mother said Cangrats but in an unhappy mood. I started to have stress through my pregnancy I wasnt happy at all with it later. My husband wasnt that much of a jolly father to be. I had all these thoughts and caried them with me until NOW. when ever i phoned my parents and talked about my son she would just say Oh and Errmm. I knew she wasnt happy with my child. I wanted someone to love him. He was born with a short leg and 3 toes 🙁 Godforgive me for hurting him so much :(:( Wallahi im kind of crying right now for him I had hurt him for the sake of how i felt of my stress and depression I hit and abused him even when he was a baby I hated him but also loved him. I did not feel love and mercy in my heart for him whenever i breastfed him :(. I stopped breastfeeding him for the sake of keeping my body shape for my husband. Although he did not say say anything. I hated my child becoz of my parents and hit him bcoz of my husband. I did not want to try raising him up as my parents raised and ignored me when i was a child.
He always cared for his family and phoned them every single day. He had not seen his mother for 11 years she has Heart/ Diebetic/ High blood pressure illness. I thought ok I felt sorry for him. I left it. I started to get hatred for them too. I felt Alone. I was ignored during dinner time. Confused and bored. He was a very hardworking man. but this seemd not enough for me. As money wasnt everything for me. I wanted Love Mercy and Forgiveness. 🙁 I did not know how to communicate with him I had always been a moody person but deep in my heart if i would have met anyone who my family nor my husband knew I would be a totally different person. (My innerself). But I did not get the chance to socialise and know people I did not even like going out.
Iam deepy ashamed of myself and In my inlaws i had all this shamfullness feelings showen to them by my facial expression. As I told my sister inlaw she has now i think told everyone about it. plz read my above post as i have already explained. If you can understand it 🙁
Im so sorry everyone for having your eyes on my Sins and Godforgive me for the day of judgement because the day of judgement your eyes will be asked what you had seen in this world. So I fully apologize
As u can see I truely Am Ashamed of myself. I need your help
Iam now in my parents house until december/ until my new house finishes. He returned me here because of the way he treated me. He said if you feel happy here then i will take you there I in the beginning was happy and Sad. I was happy because i felt if he comes here and talks about all of this to my parents Everything will go back to normal.
But on the otherhand i do not want to talk about my inlaws to my parents becoz they would get hatred in their hearts for them. And my husband on the other hand have hatred for my parents. I was thinking of not making fitnaah but i think i already have made this mistake and seeming LOST.
Do i have a sickheart? Is there any hadiths/ ayats for those who are become mentally ill/pschologicaly
When we planned to go back to our country We did have an arguement a big arguement and he let my parents know about it. My child had an operation Shaytaan had gotten into me for treating my child badly and hating him.
Will Allah forgive me for writing all of this because i talk to my husband everyday on the internet now. He is busy with our house he says to me'' forget about the past and focuse on the future i forgive you but it wasnt my fault it was yours''. Whenever he tell me this I start to hate him 🙁 nd whenever he tells me this I lose Desire to be with him .I do not want a divorce too because Allah hates Divorce. I just want to have a happy life.
Plz pray for me 🙁
All is fine Guys... ./Jiaynaan
Why are you doing like this just live and live Happily be bold and Muslims should be bold always
Why hurting your Child and All
I have also been bullied I have also been Abused but I now Stand Tall 30 Yrs Age Greatly Educated from Some of the Finest Unversiteies of my Country India and I am in a Great Company Mahindra ' s in Bangalore.
Am I not there just rise up and Live Well and Bolds you havent commeted Zina Thats a great News to be Happy For Build Up on that thats a Great Life
i actually felt very sad reading ur post sister. u should perhaps consider going to a psychologist to get help with ur depression.
my dear sister sometimes we have to let a 3rd person get involved, like your parent or someone, so that they can help u in shaa Allaah. if ur problems dont get solved then may be u should inform your parent about it or another elderly from ur family, or a local imam perhaps.
get close to Allaah, raise ur child with love and give an islamic upbringing. remember Allaah, because it is by remembering Allaah that a person finds true peace to the heart, by remembering i mean do like zikr and pray.
i really feel for u sister <3 May Allaah give u many happiness in this life and in the hereafter. Ameen.
u wanted to get some qoutes from hadiths/ayahs that are related to mental illness, im sorry sis i dont have that much knowledge, but u can send your question on islamqa website and in shaa Allaah a scholer will answer you 🙂
wasalam dear sis 🙂
Ass
As'salamu Alaiki wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatu my dear sis,
Dear sis, I just want to suggest something to yo that before you tell your problems to anyone before you even talk to anyone you talk and let out everything nfrnt f your Allah, Yes Habibati He is your Allah! he loves you more than your mom at least 70x more. Than your mom, you've mentioned that when y wrote down this post you were very angr and stressed. My sis go straight to raise your hands infront of Allah Aza Wa Jal and fall n Sujood and cry and infront of Him Wallahi ur tongue will open and you will feel Allah Aza Wa Jal listening to every single one of your thoughts. My Hababati! You need to tell Allah, your Allah, your Best Froend, your loving a and heroshing Friend, Your Rab, Your Master, the ONLY one who can take you out of this misery, but if this misery takes ou to Him, then He ONLY wants you to be close to Him, b/c He lves you more than Anyone in this world. : )