Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cheated, Betrayed and hurt; what are my options?

Pre-marital/extra-marital relationships are haram in Islam

As Salaam Wa Alaikum...

Just 48 hrs ago I found that my husband has committed adultrty. I have met this sister and confronted my husband only for him to walk away. However, yesterday we spoke about his shortcomings & he basically gave me 3 days to decide whether to divorce him or work this out. At this point I am truly upset and confused. Yes I love him and we have an anniversary coming up on Monday 21st. Although we have been down this road before...(I came across a text message) and again he asked me to trust him. I did now I am faced with betrayal. For the past 2 nights he's been sleeping in the basement he doesn't come up to our bedroom. I can't look at him, I don't want him to touch me, I am hurt.

I know Islam is a beautiful way of life, I am his wife, a blessing, nonetheless he didn't use any protection with this sister. He has admitted to me that he hasn't been truthful with me now that his shortcomings are in the light, I am just baffled that he didn't have enough respect for himself let alone me to use protection. I am scared to death to go to the doctors for this may not have been the only woman. I don't know what I want to do? I wanted to know what are the laws for asking him to leave the home until I can bring myself to know if in-fact I want this marriage? At this point I am so bitter and crushed, I have asked Allah to remove this from my heart,, tears!

Peace 2 All


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7 Responses »

  1. Salam

    It would be better if you tried living separately. I don't know if I speak for every one, but I know that you will never trust him the same if you do try to work this out. You will make yourself miserable wondering every time he leaves who he is going to meet, or every time he is on a phone call who is he talking to. I absolutely hate my situation, and at times I wish I had never thought of working it out.
    I feel for you sister. I am truly sorry for what you have just witnessed in the characteristics of your husband. Its hard and can hurt worse than if you were being physically abused.
    Stay strong. Live separately. He cannot ask you to leave the house in Islam.

  2. My dear beloved Sister,

    I feel sorry for you and I can feel your pain in my heart. You feel betrayed, hurt, cheated and

    you have probably lost your trust in your husband forever. You were generous enough to for-

    give him one mistake, but he did it again. There is no excuse for his behaviour, absolutely not.

    In this situation, as he has committed adultery, it is right to ask him to stay out of your home and

    refuse to have physical relations with him. I would go for a divorce, even if children are involved.

    However, before you take the final decision, please give urself some more time. 3 months you

    live seperately from him. Who is he to give ultimatums? He is not entitled to do that. You are the

    one who decides now how much time you need until you decide which kind of steps you want to take.

    Think carefully about that, divorce is the last resort. You need an honest conversation with him about

    his motivation, too. What is he missing that he is looking for it somewhere else and if he's getting what

    he wants, why doesn't he lower his gaze? He needs to be honest. Did you say Sister? Did he commit

    adultery with a sister? Sister, you need to give urself some time and make a decision which is the best

    for your kids and your future. Also, he could have talked about taking a second wife, you could have

    refused, but then it would have been honest at least. I'm deeply disgusted by this cheating behaviour

    and I hope he will be punished for it in the hereafter. I wish you good luck and you know him better.

    Every one has deserved a second chance, but life doesn't forgive the same mistake a second time.

    • Oh my heart is filled with eyes because I'm in her shoes right now...I jut found this site and finally know that I'm not alone...I went through this same thing for the second time this year..My husband denies it all but he's wise to do that..However my gut tells me different and I'm usually right..I will be moving out of our home under a 3 month lease because I don't trust the same, I don't love the same...and I'm looking for so much love that isn't there and I don't feel like he care because I did give him a second chance. I believe they just get crafty...I love my husband...I love my children..They don't know what's going on and I feel like the guilty one...I feel like the one that's betraying the family although its him that's had the affair..Please help this pain!!!

  3. Dear Ashiya, first of all, as of now, my ONLY concern is YOU and your wellbeing. No I am not going to ask you to look into things from the children's perspective, from the family's perspective, from an "IDEAL" muslimah's perspective, all I want you to focus on at this point is YOU!

    ....Only because you're a good mother, an ideal wife, a noble muslimah, does not mean you always have to swallow every bitter pill, every insult and every abuse that is hurled your way. You're a normal human being, like any of us here, with a heart that bleeds and a mind that thinks! Yes, you certainly didn't deserve this conduct and abuse from a man you loved the most. But accept the fact that this has happened - NOT BECAUSE you didn't live upto your husband's expectations, OR you missed giving something to this marriage, BUT PERHAPS because your husband is a man who lacks the conscience or depth to understand the graveness of his misconduct! Lookin at his conduct, anybody can easily point out this man would have done this irrespective of the person he would have been married to!

    Now please forget him for a moment, and concentrate on your own self. Ask yourself, if you have a reason left to continue being with this man? Yes, you will perhaps continue loving him forever, but honestly do you think you will continue having the same respect for him forever? Also, do you think, you can let this man take your sincerity, your affection, your goodness for your weakness?

    Honestly, I do not see a reason for you to stay back and give this man another opportunity, but still I'll suggest you to take your time and think over things to your heart's content, before you do what needs to be done. Also, please bear in mind, no one on the surface of this earth can compel you to take decisions within a time frame, only because they think it is fit. You see, it's not about your husband's convenience, anymore.

    Also, the deadline he's set up is a clear indication, how frivolous the entire matter is to him! Three days to decide the future of a relationship. Clearly, he seems least interested. The fact is he's incapable of feeling normal human emotions. He's not happy, he's not hurt, he's not regretful, he's not scared, he's not concerned, he's not sad, perhaps, he's not feeling just about anything. He's showing no remorse over his actions, and he never did even in the past as well. Perhaps it is time you realise this is what he's all about. The wrong never lied in you or in your marriage. Also, where's your extended family, where are your parents and your in-laws? It's time, you involve them!

    At the end of it all, please realise, you deserve a better life and your children a better environment. So please give yourself a break from this rut, from this abuse and instead give yourself an opportunity to life, to love, ONLY because you deserve it.

    Please please please take your time, take as much time you need. And it's my earnest request to you, please please please don't let anything break you to pieces.

  4. Sister leave him he has know respect for himself and ZERO for you and clearly none for this beautiful Religion,..

  5. Salam sister
    Really sorry to hear about what your going through, betrayal pain heartache anger all rolled into one! I totally agree with toubillon! You need to focus on you, you need think about your future and whether you see it with this man! I mean is he worth it, how do you know he won't do it again, fair enough he's telling you everything now since its come t light that's because he has no were else to hide! He knows he's done wrong and can't deny it! Now you need to think about yourself put love aside also your heart! You have nothing to loose only he has who hasn't respected you as a wife! Being a wife doesn't mean he can do what he wans sleep around and them accept you to be normal! Makes me so mad. Swear! You decide how ever long it takes but take time to decide, pray to Allah for guidene! What you want is what is important, think carefully and don't be bought by words think of your own respect and whether he will do it again, could you go through this all again????

  6. im going throught the same situation 5 years ago v got married,it was love marriage. i didnt have baby the 3 yrs. i got pregnant n as it was a precious pregnancy dr adviced me to stay away from husband and i stayed at my parents place bcux no one was there to look after me at inlaws.. during my pregnancy my husband did 2nd marriage with a call girl.. and his behavior was rude with me through out abusive language, ignoring even in pregnancy .. i hav a baby girl n he didnt tell me he got married some day i catched him red handed talking to his second wife... tell me where m i standing .. now he wants me to come back to his life n later he will leave his wife... what shall i do i love him but i hav lost the trust on him...
    being a woman is the worst thing on earth... and people in my family says me its because of u ur husband did this.. no one says bad to a man, everyone thinks woman is responsible

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