Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I lost consciousness and someone abused me.

Assalam O Alaikum,

I recently converted to Islam Alhamdullilah and Insha Allah I am going to get married to a wonderful man, whom is brother of my best friend’s husband. My problem is that I am not a virgin and don’t know if I should tell him or not? Before I converted to Islam; I never had a boyfriend or anything like that; I never dated but I was going through a terrible time at home. I have suffered a lot in my life; from physical abuse to mental abuse resulting in depression.

I was getting better but one day I decided to go to my friend’s “go away” get together. I never drank alcohol, because I was allergic to alcoholic beverages and also never did drugs in my life, that night my friend asked me to drink. I refused at first and eventually everyone in the party practically got around me and were screaming for me to at least take a sip. I made the worst mistake by giving into the pressure from my peers and got drunk. Since, I have no tolerance to alcohol, I don’t remember anything else. I just knew that I made a mistake and there was a guy who took advantage of me when I didn’t know what to do.

I don’t remember if I had sex but I was bleeding from there. I don’t know what that person did to me but I feel really bad as I spent my entire life not even having a boyfriend to marry a virgin but this is what happened to me. I don’t know what to do and who to talk to as I have no one to talk even my family; I feel very lost and hurt. Though, in a way I still feel that I am still a virgin and I don’t feel that I ever did anything, but this happened and I can’t lie to myself. Please help me with some advice. JazakAllah Khair.


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13 Responses »

  1. Sami,

    Congrats on converting to Islam. I am really sorry to hear that your friends put you in such a bad situation. It is a shame that you didn't inform the police and have this guy arrested for what he did. Only a coward takes advantage of a woman who is intoxicated and unable to fend for herself. I cannot imagine your humiliation for what happened to you and I hope in time, you will find peace.

    The only question I have for you here is ...does this young man believe you are a virgin? You may still think of yourself as one but the fact of the matter here is, you are not. Please do not think in any way that I am disrespecting you sister as I would never do that. If he believes you are and finds out after you marry that you are not, he may feel that you have been deceitful to him.

    For me personally, I would say that you need to look within your heart and decide if it be better to tell him now or let him find out later.This may be something very important for him and then again, maybe it will not matter. I for one can not tell you what to do here, I think that is something you need to decide. Either way you decide, ask Allah for his guidance and he will hear you.

    Inshallah, there will be other commenter's on this website that will be able to provide you with a much better response than mine.


    • salaam, thank you, he does believe I am, he asked me once, although he said, it's not in a judging way and if I wasn't he would understand, I wish i would've said the truth then, but I got too nervous and scared, and said I yes, I guess since I've always lost the people I've loved or that have been good to me, I feared so much losing him that I became to scared, and at the same time I myself didn't accept I wasn't and I still don't, when I remember that time I just feel disgusted and ashamed, to ashamed to even tell anyone, nobody knows only Myself and Allah and of course you all who've so kindly advice me. JazakAllah khair sister for your opinion and thoughts <3

  2. As salamu alaykum, Sister Sami,

    I agree with Najah, this is a very personal decision, it can change the course of your life, depending on how it will impact on your fiancée. I would advice you to perform Istikhara to look for Allah(swt) guidance, you can read about it on the link on the top of this page.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María Editor

  3. Asalamolaikum sister,
    I am very sorry to hear about your tragic situation. Indeed, it must have been very difficult for you to have overcome it. I hope though that you have overcome this experience inshAllah. I want to point out one very important thing—this is not a case of consensual sex, rather it is a case of rape. To put it out bluntly, this person whoever he is, misused you as you were unable to protect yourself in the state of intoxication. You are by no means at fault. When you embraced Islam, Allah swt forgave all your sins and wiped your slate clean, just like an innocent newborn baby (inshAllah). I personally believe you do not have to share this with your husband (as long as it is something that is not mentally/physically traumatizing you and preventing you from satisfying your husband’s needs—then you should tell him that you underwent a tragic situation and have a harm time coming to terms with it). Allah swt commands us to conceal our sins and if He conceals it for us, then alhumdulillah, all praise is to Him for his mercy and compassion.

    Do not feel guilty my dear sister, it was not your fault. You gave into peer pressure and unfortunately you were at the wrong place at the wrong time. You must learn from this experience and never go towards that path again. InshAllah, your husband will not question you at all (as many girls break their hymen through vigorous activity and some are not even born with one to begin with) and I am assuming he is an educated man so he will not think anything wrong. Just pray to Allah swt to conceal this experience of yours in this world and the hereafter and leave the rest up to Him. He will do what is best for you sister.
    May Allah swt bless you with a blissful and happy marriage and conceal this experience of yours in this world and the hereafter, ameen.
    -Helping Sister

    • Salaam sister, thank you and your comment and advice really touched me, because long ago when i prayed ishtikhara wondering if I should say the truth or not, I came upon that verse that tells us to conceal our sins, I honestly feel good and i am fine, and I know I can be a good wife to him, I know I won't have any problem in intimacy or at least I hope so, either way I know that if that sort of problem happens, where I have a problem, I would say everything, but alhamdulillah I feel fine, it's been 2 years now, and I am fine, it never even passes my mind, alhamdulillah only sometimes but i just say "audubillah imina shaytan ar rajeem" and the shahada and i feel better after, I know is the shaytan trying to mess with my mind, alhamdulillah I just pray Allah guides me and forgives me, although i know my sins were washed away when i turned to islam, I still haven't forgiven myself, that's the only thing I need to do forgive myself, i wish i would've been muslim way before, so this wouldn't had happened, but it was my destiny written for me, a lesson i had to learn I believe, and inshaAllah one day I'll forgive myself. JazakAllah khair for everything you really helped a lot, Allah reward you ameen, aswell as reward everyone who gave advice ameen! <3

  4. Dear Sister Sami, As-salamu alaykum,

    I totally agree with Helping Sister. Yes you exercised some poor judgment in letting the kids pressure you into drinking, but this is very common. It does not justify what that despicable man did to you. He raped you. May Allah curse him. You are an innocent in this matter. Personally I think you should continue to think of yourself as a virgin. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said, "Verily deeds are according to intention, and everyone shall have what he intended." You never intended to lose your virginity, so in spirit you are still a virgin.

    There is no obligation on you to tell your future husband. You can truthfully tell him that you have never committed zinaa (fornication) or had sex (rape is not sex - it is an act of violence).

    Also, as Helping Sister pointed out, your conversion to Islam wiped out everything that came before. Not that the rape was your fault - it was not - but you have come into the deen with a pure soul, forgiven for all things that you have done. So I hope you will think of yourself as a pure, clean and innocent person.

    On the other hand if you choose or want to tell him about what happened, that's up to you. I really hope that he has a kind soul and will not let it bother him. But you never know.

    Wael Editor

    • Salaam alaykum, JazakAllah khair for your advice, I really appreciate it, alhamdulillah for everything, indeed I chose not to say anything based on what I got from preforming ishtikhara, if I ever do say anything it'll be only in Allah's will, as I will continue to pray and ask for his guidance. JazakAllah khair again

  5. Depending on how long ago this happened, may I suggest one thing? Although converting to Islam does wipe away your past acts, the same can not be said for any health issues that could have come from this attack. Please do think of yourself as still a virgin mentally, but as this is not the case physically and you do not wish to pass anything onto your husband when you do have intercourse with him, make an appointment at your doctors to be tested for STD's. I'm sorry to be blunt but it is a horrible depraved world we live in these days and you have been a victim of this. You have no way to know the sexual history of the person that attacked you so it is much better to be safe than sorry.

    All my love and hope to a happy healthy future for both you and your husband.

    • Good point, sister!
      Sister Sami777, although our intentions are not to scare you and sometimes certain STIs do not have physical symptoms (or you may have not caught on to them), I also recommend that you get yourself checked. InshAllah, all will be well. You can get this done confidentially also if you do not want your doctor to find out (you can find STI clinics in your city; just google them).
      Stay Strong Sister
      -Helping Sister

    • I agree sister, alhamdulillah I am healthy, it happened 2 years ago, i've only been engaged 1 year, and alhamdulillah im fine and in good health, Allah truly blessed me not only with his guidance but with his protection <3 JazakAllah khair for your comment. <3

  6. Salaamu alaiki sister... May peace and blessings of b upon u... Sister i think u are been given excellent advice by those b4 me particularly by helping sister, wael and ruby83.. Any thing i will say will just be a recarp to what these 3 persons opined. . . And hence i will recommend u 2 go through there post nd try 2 execute what they said. . . . However i wish 2 go further by welcoming and congratulating u 4 reverting 2 d religion of peace(islam)..., and that is d greatest favour Allah has done 2 u.., HE Has giving u a key 2 paradise( jannah- blessed heaven).. What is remaining is just 4 u 2 open it and this can be achieved by (one)obeying d commandmend of Allah ( eg praying d 5compulsory salat, fasting during d month of ramadan, giving cherity ''even a smile can b a cherity'', going 4 hajj(pigrimage) if u have d means,, etc). . . . . (2) loving Allah much by doing what he enjoin on u ( eg honesty, moral responsibility, trust, humility, nice 2 every one, 2 b just in what ever u d,, etc) . . . . . . . . (3) fear Allah, by abstaining from what he forbid u ( eg cheating, giving false witness, back biting, slandering, skimpsy dressing, fornicating,, etc) . . .. . I also wish 2 refer u 2 some verses of d quran which speaks more on these. . Suratul mu'minun (which is d 23rd chapter) from verse 1-10. . . . . . . . . . . . . Suratul furqan (which is d 25th chapter) from verse 61 - 76. . . . See also chapter 33 verse 35.. Also d prophet (SAW) said whosoever follow d 1st ten verses of suratul mu'minun he will go straight 2 paradise.. So pls sister i will strongly advice u 2 get a copy of d quran which has english translation and commentary particularly those translated by abdullah yusuf ali, or muhsin khan and go through dis verse . . . U can easily contact us here(through dis same post) when u have any question . . May Allah guide u

    • Salaam, JazakAllah khair, I do indeed have a Quran i've read it already 2 times and inshaAllah again will finish it, aswell as take notes, thank you for giving me these verses I sure will look into them more. JazakAllah khair again for the in put.

  7. I know it's been very long since I last wrote, thank you everyone for all the kind advice, JazakAllah Khayr for all, it brought tears to my eyes reading this, I really appreciate it, I am in good health alhamdulillah so in that part I am good, also emotionally and mentally I am very calm and at ease with myself, I've decided not to say anything, because I feel it's best and inshaAllah it's the right choice, I've prayed ishtikhara and the signs pointed out to not saying anything. I believe in a way, although I did drink and I was in a depression, even though i said No inside i should have screamed it, and in a way that bothers me, but I've learned to let it go, alhamdulillah it was a lesson learned, it showed me that that world was not for me, and alhamdulillah I am a muslim now and I know my value in this world, and I am very happy now, soon we will marry inshaAllah, he is a very good man and I know with him I will not only be closer to islam, but many of my wounds will be healed. Allah bless and reward all of you for your advice. I really appreciated it <3 @ Helping Sister, Ruby, Wael, Mohd , Najah, Maria your advice was very much appreciated, and really touched my heart, I had no internet for a long time that's why I never answered, but thank you very much again. MashaAllah, I'm so happy to be a Muslim and to find so many good people <3 Allah help us all and unite us ameen!

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