Islamic marriage advice and family advice

A Muslim teenager: lost, depressed, lonely homosexual

lonely man in the rainAsalam walakume  wa rahamatullahi wa barakatu to you all,

May Allah bless you all his peace and mercy in both worlds. May you Muslims be gentle with me in your response and may I find you willing to help and not insult or hurt me because I already have enough pain. I have so much to say I dont know where to begin.

I was born in the USA as a Muslim, although my family did not really practice religion. My father drank, ate pork,  HATED prayer and said it means nothing... he abused my mother and I and was a monster. He beat me so hard I had to go to the hospital once. My mother, an upright women, divorced him. I was 7 years old. I grew up very nicely with my mother, went to school as usual..but something happened

I on my own, picked up the Quran in English at a young age (9) and begin reading...I found faith by myself... And i learned how to pray, make wudu, and learn somethings of our religion I never knew all on my own. . I was very happy I found faith... and as time went on I learned how to properly pray and how to make sincere dua to Allah (swt) and grow in faith.

But...I always felt an attraction to hug boys, kiss them (Allah forgive me)... but i didn't think too much of it. Then at age 11 i started discovering gay pornography which later made me start talking to guys which has now ruined my life.

I sometimes think back when i was very young.. like 3 or 4.. i remember a large man, in the dark, touching me and kissing my lips on a  couch at my babysitters house.. I'm not sure if it really happened but I feel like it did. I remember another time he preformed oral on me. It really messed me up.

Maybe it was this that made me attracted to men? I'm not sure. My mother discovered my boyfriend  when she picked up my cell phone and was furious. She sent me to the mosque to make me better because I have no Muslim friends and she thought I could find good company. I went all alone, but still determined to express my faith , listen to the khutba and be among good people.

One day I sat in the mosque when this man, about 26, I was 13 at the time approached me and told me how sad I looked and how he could help me. I was so desperate for a Muslim friend , I talked with him and later he asked me to get in his car and I refused... Later i saw him again and confessed I was homosexual... He grinned started asking what positions I liked, trying to touch me and was trying to get me in his car to take me to his house..I was still 13 and felt he was trying to have sex with me. I refused to go with him and now avoid the mosque in fear of seeing him, telling others how I am.

Now, I have no Muslim friends...I seek good company but I find it so hard to find. My only friends are other gay boys that dont like me because I dont go party with them. And I cannot go to the mosque because I fear humiliation. I was a good child, I sought Allah, I prayed 5 times a day as a child and even as a teenager. I stayed up long nights reading Quran , making Dikr.. I am not a faithless or unaware person. I know I need to change, I am very lost and confused and find myself doing bad things, talking to bad people. I want to be a good Muslim, a good person whom Allah, my Lord and your Lord, may love and embrace His mercy on me.

I am 18, very behind on school (but getting better), very depressed over my homosexuality and lonliness because I cannot find good people to keep company with and I cannot keep the bad people because I can't do what they want me to. I have never had sex with a guy no matter how badly we both wanted. I have never drunk or done drugs or go to parties even ...But I have had boyfriends and I always ended relationships becuase I was reminded of losing my chance for Allah's mercy. So I stop that, but continue watching pornography. I know it is bad, but I am trying to stop. I also had thoughts of suicide but never follow through because I did not want a fast-pass to hell...

I did end up in a crisis center, were teens go because they are suicidal... I was sent there because a girl asked what was wrong at school, and having been depressed and sad, I exploded telling her how I hated life because I'm gay no matter how hard I try not too.. so I went to the crisis center where I stayed for 24hours , although I was not doing anything to kill myself. I would be so depressed on occasion I wouldn't smile for days.

I would cry a lot when others were not looking. Sometimes I would keep crying until I felt better. My mother just yelled at me and said to be a man, toughen up or you will go to hell. One time my uncle had beaten me up and choked in my room for finding out I was gay at a family gathering. I just lay in my room and cry, nobody say anything. He had also been drinking. i dont talk to him.

I have faith in Allah, although I have difficulty keeping prayer, that someday I may be cured and be a good person with good friends and somday...a wife and good children.

I hope to find you kind and compassionate and willing to help and not rebuke me. Please ask Allah to have mercy and help me and all the Muslims of the world.

May Allah bless you with his mercy and forgiveness.


your struggling brother,

- Ali

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81 Responses »

  1. Walaykum Assalam Brother Ali,

    I am So Sorry, Your going through such A testing time, I Cant give you advice on how to go about things, (buh am sure our compassionate editors can help you, when they get the time), buh i just wanted to thankyou, for being so honest, and making me realise, why do i often whine about stupid little things, and i should be grateful to Allah (swt) for giving me a beautiful family, home & life. I should overcome myself and look at others, who are going through such a hard time, and do shukkar that Allah (swt) is not putting me through such a test.

    I cant help you (though i wish i could somehow) buh what i would like to say is, please dont give up, keep faith in Allah (swt), He (swt) is testing you, you need to pass this test, keep praying, dont ever feel your prayers are not being answered, because Allah (swt) fulfil's dua's in three forms,

    1)Allah (swt) will give you what you want,

    2) He (swt) will remove the hinderances that are ahead instead of giving u exactly the same thing that you want,

    3) He (swt) will reward you in the hereafter.

    I will InshAllah keep you in my prayers,

    May Allah (swt) be with you.


    • Every word of Allah you mention helps me. Thank you...I am sorry for the late response...I did not think any muslim would even turn my way.Thank you and may Allah Bless you

  2. I will remember u in my prayers. Its a big test. Evryone is tested in different ways. I dunno wat to say that can make it better except i think maybe u shud go to the mosque n try n mix more with good practising muslims.there is no need to tell them wat ur sexual orientation is. Maybe u can spend time with them just to save u from hanging with ppl who may lead u to sin? I also think u shud take up a sport so ur emotions n physical energy can be released with that. It can also help with depressive feelings. I pray u find peace x x

  3. Dear Brother Ali,


    First of all ,I praise you for having the courage to come up to this forum to seek are a courageous boy.

    My brother is in the same situation as yours and i dont even know whether he is conscious enough to realise that what he is doing is wrong. I am glad to see you are.

    Its very strange that people have these urges which seems to be coming to them naturally but they also feel guilty about it. and its not just religion or Allah's fear that makes them feel this way. i read many posts and interviews of people who are athiest ,belonging to pure 'western society' , they didnt like feeling this way as well, although they had no problem getting excepted by the society. this can only mean that this kind of behaviour or feelings has to be unnatural otherwise why people find it hard to come to terms with it even if they are in a society where being homosexual is just one another way of expressing your sexuality.

    i will try to address one problem at a time.

    First of all Family. it is hard for families and people who love you ,to see you ruining your life or making your way to sins but sometimes they just dont know how to react . i have all the emotions for my brother , iam angry, hurt, i cry, i am worried , i want to help, i fear losing him, i want to be there for him , i want to understand him as well, and yes when i feel really scared that he will end up ruining his whole life and i want to stop what he is doing by my hands ,i feel like slapping him and shouting at him ( but i know i shouldnt do it). Family behave in this way because they feel for you and they love you and they are worried for you. so your mom must be shattered when she got to know that her son is bringing disaster on himself. all her actions are a reflection of her love for you , as she is deeply hurt.
    as for your uncle , he probably didnt know what to do either , so decided to physically abuse you.
    try to forgive them as they just dont know how to react and how to help. try to look at it this way , if your mom had shown complete acceptance to you as you are, you would have also accepted the way you are. i think your moms behaviour in a way is helping you, as you want to change to be accepted by her, although this is not the right way.

    now for you feeling lonely because you just dont seem to belong to any group or no body to share your feelings of not liking yourself the way you are. dear brother once you will solve the conflict within your self , all this feeling will go away. you will have sound and reliable friendships. i know its not very nice to be all on your own, one needs to vent out ones feelings and feel lighter and enjoy life like most of the people do. i promise you my dear dear bother ,once you have untangled whats within you everything outside will be simple as well. so dont despair, life will become better and happier for you inshallah.Once you sort out this constant fight with nafs and be at peace with yourself , it will show through your eyes and body language and actions, you will find good companions. its good you dont have friends as you are very vulnerable now. you could be easily taken advantage of, like that man in the mosque did.

    Ali, take sometime out for yourself. when you are just sitting in your room feeling rotten and shameful, rather than being idle, talk to your self , talk to Allah he is listening to you, make resolution that you will change , make a plan about how you can bring this change. first of all stop watching porn, it is only making matters worse for you.when you really feel like a compulsion to watch or act on your urge, just get out of the room, go for a walk, offer namaz, go to gym or running , change the environment, or go and sit with your mom, help her if she is busy with work, i dont know may be wash dishes for her, that will surprise her forsure! .just get yourself distracted , it will be difficult but you will succeed and once you have overcome your urge , it only becomes easier from there.

    when i was trying to come to terms to my brother being this way, i came across this website ( i will post all the usefull websites at the end) , where this psychologist who has been working with men having same sex attraction and who wanted to get rid of it , states that he noted that all his clients had one thing common and that was not having a father figure in their life. the father may be there but they are not nurturing the emotional needs of their sons. i could see so clearly in your case and same is true for my brother as well.
    i strongly advise you to see the video clips on joseph nicolosi website. you can even have a consultation with him over on phone, iam sure you will benefit. ask your GP ( doctor) to refer you to this particular psychologist as he deals with this specific issue, most of the psychologist will only encourage you to come to terms to being gay and be happy.

    keep it very clear in your mind Allah did not make you like this, this is not your fitra. there is a reason for this kind of behaviour, you need to get to the botttom of this reason, sort it out and leed a happy fulfilling life, like you are meant to.

    one peace of advice i will give you , dont discuss this issue with everyone. people who you may think are your sympathisers , they actually may make you feel more terrible about yourself, like many did as you told us. its is said that one should only discuss their problems where they think they may get a solution or good advice. so dear brother you did the right thing by coming up on this website. Inshallah when you have got rid of these desires , you will forget ,Allah will for give, but world is full of nasty people they will only keep reminding you of your present state.

    Ali ,look after yourself. Allah is with you, as you are trying to change yourself. you are not alone. keep us posted how you are getting on and if you need any further help.

    your sincere and loving sister.


    • My dear sister,thank you for giving me so much helpful information . May Allah bless you..I have been doing my best to improve...

    • Asalamualikum. I would like to thank you sister for sharing such a valuable piece of information. I can assure everyone on this forum that there are several brothers and sisters out there who are suffering from same-sex attractions. The website links that you have provided are very helpful and I had almost lost the battle, when Allah brought me to this forum and your post.

      Thank you and keep motivating us with your thought provoking and sincere words

      Allah ma3ak

  4. Hello struggling brother Ali,
    I want to tell you about my son. He is 18 years old. He also is struggling with these same feelings and confusions. He has faced possible suicide and he came to me his loving mother. I listened to him and put my arms around him and made sure he knew I had love for him no matter what he was going through. He has many friends now who were not so lucky.Friends just like you. With families that pushed them away. Hurt them, humiliated them. They all love me because I accept them with open arms and love in my heart. Everyone calls me mama because I am such a mother to others in need of a mother who loves them. So I am telling you right now in this are loved, you are accepted, you are good. Because I love you, I accept you, I know you are good!

    I know you feel lost and alone. Have no where to turn and have reached out to us. So i am reaching back. You have been doing so good. You are trying to do the right thing in your life. In Islam and other religions homosexuality is a sin and looked down upon in disgust. But what many people do not realize is the internal struggle one goes through when faced with this in their lives. Many children do not even make it to your age of 18. I am so happy you are alive and able today to even talk with us. I know those moments you have had. The tears you have shed. The love you want to feel from someone who will look past the stigma and see you, a person, a man who needs guidance in his life. I see you are a strong soul worthy of such a good life.

    The mosque you went to with that 26 yr. old man I am so thankful you had the intelligence and courage to not be trapped by that man and hurt by him. He was looking for a victim. But there are other mosque. Do not be afraid of going to a different one. Meet good people. It will help you stay away from the bad ones. I'm sure how you have seen how some bad people prey upon teenagers who are struggling about their lives like you. I am so proud of you for not allowing such hurtful people to distroy your life. You are a good person. Keep reading the Quran and keep your faith close to your heart. A persons religious beliefs can help you through such hard times. It sounds like that is what got you through.

    There is a community that you can look into. My son is the head of a gay, straight, bi alliance here in New York state. They talk to each other. Help each other. No matter how you choose to live your life they will listen and be a friend for you. I just im'd my son for help for you. He counsels teenagers and young adults in your situation or similar situations. He just found me an Islamic site for youths who are gay or questioning and struggling like you for the strength to find the right path and be accepted that might be helpful for you. Other people going through the same things as you. He says you can talk to him anytime you would like to. I will try to get his e-mail to Wael to send to you. You can have as many accepting friends as you want. He will listen to you and try to help you out in any way possible. You can be yourself and ask questions. Know you will not be judged by him and he will accept your decisions for your life.

    I truly believe you have been guided here and that I was guided to read this site tonight just to help you. To read your post and send you a reaching hand. As well as sister A and Aliya25. Plus whoever else reaches out to you. i am sending this post address to my son so he can read it as well. You also can talk to me anytime you want to. Wael please give Ali my e-mail address so if he chooses to he can contact me. You have my prayers.

    • Roux, the problem with the link you posted is that it appears to be a resource for homosexual Muslims all over the world. While I absolutely condemn the kind of violence that was directed at this young man, as a Muslim I also do not approve of homosexual behavior, and I cannot give these kinds of websites the "seal of approval". That's why I removed your link. We will not link from this website to any website that accepts or approves of homosexuality in any form.

      Wael Editor

      • As you wish.
        Judge jury and executioner.
        Even though it would allow this young man to connect with other Muslims who struggle with this same issue. That is why so many of our youth are killing themselves. Because judgemental people do not allow them to reach out to others who are going through the same thing. Just to connect with someone who understands. Read what you wrote to me. "a resource for homosexual Muslims all over the world" Just a resource for humans to connect and speak to each other. It is sad that this freightens you. He might find others like him who wish to be a good Muslim. Who have gone through the same things as him. Who want an Islamic life. They just need to know they are not alone.

        You don't have to approve of behavior to help someone. Obviously you have never spoken with anyone who has been struggling with this issue. Because if you had you would know that they need a place to reach out to persons like themselves. Otherwise they take their own lives.

        I used to think this site was openminded. That a person could help someone else here. I do not know what to think of your site now. I guess you are very selective in who you want us to help. So please do me the favor and put up on your home page that "it's okay to bring any problems you have here but if you are homosexual or have feelings like that do not post here because you are not welcome!" Because THAT is what you are trying to say.

        Oh yeah and I forgot something! LGBTIQ MUSLIMS & ALLIES is ONLY a support system! That's all! The reason this group even came about was to prevent people from commiting suicide and to have a place where people could speak freely about their own struggles so they could find their own way in life. Without being judged. They do not push any lifestyle on to anyone. They would support him and get resources for him he would need. So since he does not want to live a gay lifestyle they would get him in touch with persons in Islam who would be open to listen to him and could guide him to other people who want to follow Islam without judgements toward him.

        Maybe you should know about something before you judge. But then again that's why it is called ignorance. I noticed the other four sites were left on this post. Clearly they are judgemental. I looked at every single one of them. They make judgemental statments and everything. Clearly making the people feel there is something wrong with them. And that they need to be fixed. Is that the message you want to send to our young people? You don't have to go to a shrink to fix your brain. Those kind of sites can be very dangerous.

        He already knows what he wants. He just needs support to follow through and friends. THAT is exactly what I did by giving him that link. BTW I didn't mention to you but some of my son's friends ended up being straight they just were confused and needed supportive non judgemental love and help from the community. They got it through LGBTIQ. Because they are a support community. They support whatever decision a person makes. They just provide the forum to do that in a broad spectrum. Providing the outreaching resources a person needs.

        Like I said you obviously have never helped a person in need like this before. I however have. Good luck with your site.

        • Roux,

          You can blast me all you like, but the policy stands. We are Muslims, and we believe in the Quran and follow Allah's commandments. As I recall you are not Muslim, so maybe you do not understand this concept of putting Allah's commandments before our own desires and opinions. This website is open minded in the sense that we are willing to hear problems of all kinds, and to offer advice without condemnation. Everyone is welcome. But if your idea of open mindedness is the Western concept of "anything goes, it's all good," then no we are not open minded.

          I spent some time looking at the link you wanted to post. It's not only Muslims with homosexual feelings "struggling to be good Muslims." They have people there who claim that homosexual behavior is not a sin, who celebrate it, and who encourage it.

          The Quran is very clear that homosexual behavior is a sin. Therefore our advice on such matters on this website is directed toward helping the person free himself from these desires, or if he cannot then at least not act on them. At the same time, if the questioner is being subjected to abuse, or being victimized, or is dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts, then we will try to help with those problems.

          I don't have all day to spend browsing through your links, but if there is one specific link that truly represents people who are struggling with this problem and offering each other support while trying to be better Muslims, then I will gladly allow it.

          Best Regards,


          • Now you bring up my religion to make a point. I think you just made my point right there. You have just made me feel that you do not want non-Muslims on your site. Okay then. I wil not go on a site that is against other people because they are different.

            I understand more then you think. I know in Islam Allah comes first before opinions and desires. I also know all life is important as well. My opnion is based on the preservation of that life and not my own personal beliefs in the matter. Yours is based on your own personal opnion. Did I say anything about my own beliefs in my response to Ali? The answer is no. I believe that his life is more important then my own beliefs. Any life is more important. I do not advocate in either direction on this subject. I do however have experience with this and know firsthand how many people kill themselves when others judge harshly when dealing with this subject. Or just keep support information from them. So they have no one to reach out to.

            NO my idea of openmindedness is not "anything goes, it's all good". There you are making assumptions yet again. My idea of openmindedness is listening to what others say. If I can help I write a response. If I can't I leave it alone and let others more qualified then me to help. In this case I know what is harmful and what is helpful.

            True "It's not only Muslims with homosexual feelings "struggling to be good Muslims." Yes there are other people on there. Kind of like how there are mostly Muslims on here and yet you find yourself talking with a Buddhist. Does that make this a bad site? Because I am not Muslim? But I speak to people here on this site. It is the same.

            He said he was crying all the time. His family were violent to him. He needs support help now. So I gave him support information. From people who have been in his shoes. I also know that the sites you did leave up from the other responder are very harmful and many teenagers have killed themselves over being pushed in their direction. I know this from experience. I have experience with helping young people in this man's situation and my son is even more qualified. That is why I asked him about it.

            You did not respond to my mention that you have not helped people in this situation. Do you have any experience in dealing with this situation? Any at all? I do. So many people kill themselves because they are kept from being able to get in touch with a support community. You think I am blasting you about it when I am just telling you about the harm you are doing to others because of your own beliefs. No one has said to him stray from Allah. I do not want him to go away from what he believes in. I want him to go in the direction that is right for him(which he says is Islam) and will keep him alive. You do not see this. No where on that site does it say he should give up his own beliefs.

            "I don't have all day to spend browsing through your links." I put up ONE. "but if there is one specific link that truly represents people who are struggling with this problem and offering each other support while trying to be better Muslims, then I will gladly allow it." Then do what you say you will do and put it back up because that is what kind of link it is. I just wish you could see that.

            I try not to judge. Abdul Wali had a problem with one of my responses and asked about it. I was in the wrong and we talked nicely about it.

            BTW "western concept" you are the one who said you are in the U.S.A. so don't make it out like your not a "Westerner" it makes you sound hypocritical.

            My previous reply to you and this one is solely to inform you of the harm you are doing to others. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a person in this situation that was considering suicide? I have. Have you ever saved them? I have. Please put the link back up. It is only a support group. Yes there are people with many beliefs on there but if a Muslim in this situation needs help and support from people who have been in the same situation and it can save their lives isn't that the most important thing?

          • Roux, I'm happy to have this discussion with you, but it seems that you are the one who is making assumptions and speaking from a place of judgment and anger, not me. I actually recognize the positive role you have played on this website. You have written many good comments and given much good advice. I am grateful to have intelligent and compassionate people like you participating in this website. It was not my intention to say that because you are not Muslim you are not welcome here, or that we are against you. Not at all. I meant exactly what I said and no more. Sometimes non-Muslims do not understand that for practicing Muslims, the Quran and the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) are the bottom line, the final arbiter. We can be open minded, but if that takes us beyond the bounds of Allah's commandments then we've gone too far.

            I know that you only posted one link but that site itself is a directory of links to other organizations and websites. So that's what I meant that I don't have time to review all those links.

            Lastly, you accused me of being hypocritical for criticizing Western attitudes. I am neither a Westerner or an Easterner, but a Muslim. Allah says in the Quran,

            "It is not righteousness that you turn your faces towards the East and the West, but righteous is the one who believes in Allah, and the Last Day, and the angels and the Book and the prophets, and gives away wealth out of love for Him to the near of kin and the orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and to those who ask and to set slaves free and keeps up prayer and pays the poor-rate; and the performers of their promise when they make a promise, and the patient in distress and affliction and in the time of conflict. These are they who are truthful; and these are they who keep their duty." Ch. 2:177

            My parents came from the Middle East. I was born in America and have lived in many nations. But above all I am a Muslim, so I have no problem criticizing attitudes or bad practices that take place either in the West or the East, or anywhere else in the world. There are cultural attitudes in the West that I admire, and others that I see as destructive. Same thing is true for the "Muslim world", or Asia, or anywhere else.

            Best Regards,


            P.S. and yes, I used to volunteer at a shelter for homeless youth in San Francisco. I do have experience working with youth who are going through all kinds of struggles. I was part of the outreach team, so my job was to talk to the kids on the street, distribute needed supplies, and try to get them to come into the shelter, without making any judgments of their experiences or lifestyles. I myself had a difficult past, so I was able to connect to the kids and try to help them see the possibility of a brighter future.

      • Dear Wael,

        Although you said nothing for my struggle directly, Thank you for upholding our proper Islamic outlook regarding homosexuality.

        "The Quran is very clear that homosexual behavior is a sin. Therefore our advice on such matters on this website is directed toward helping the person free himself from these desires, or if he cannot then at least not act on them. At the same time, if the questioner is being subjected to abuse, or being victimized, or is dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts, then we will try to help with those problems."

        Above is what you said...and I enjoyed how honest you were. Yes, homosexuality IS a sin and i WANT to get better. And thank you for allowing me the oppertunity to vent and seek good advice. May Allah always bless you the good of this world and the next.

    • May God bless you his mercy and guidance , my kind-hearted sister...I am truly moved by how much you reached out to me...I can only say thank you..for your support,..your kind words and compassion...and Yes, I would not mind keeping in touch if there is such a way. take care

  5. Hi,
    I am roux's son, I mentor teenagers in similar predicaments as yours. I completly understand how you feel. I was there once. I am proud to say with support from loving family members and helpful support from mentors and professionals, I was able to turn my life around and learn how to help others in similar predicaments. I hope that if you decide to reach out to me that you will find peace within. I am not here to judge and will listen and offer advice. Wael can you please give him my email. I will gladly help and hopefully i can. I don't want to see another news clipping of a teenager commiting suicide it hurts to see articles like that and I try to do anything in my power to help others not take that final step. I am here you are loved. Best wishes!


    • Hello Cody..thank you for your out reach. I would be interested in hearing more from you and how you overcame issues. Please let me know how I may keep i touch.take care

  6. Dear brother Ali,

    if you are at all getting confused about what is right and what is wrong, then open the Quran and read what it says about homosexuality, get it clear in your mind that it is a sin. Ask yourself ,do I really want to be sinful? because it is a sin thats why even acting on these desires does not give peace in yourself. the rest will follow. You deserve to be brought into light and live a fulfilling life.dont let any argument, no matter how pleasing it sounds let you dwell into darkness.

    i was listening to a talk and came across this beautiful example. this sheikh was trying to explain about how Allah has put the fitra in ourselves about what is wrong and what is right. he said if you have a pet cat when you give the cat some food yourself it will sit in front of you and eat, but if it has sneaked in the kitchen and pinches some food from the plate ,it will quickly run away and eat it in hiding as it knows that it has done something wrong.if a cat knows when it has done wrong dont you think we as human being also know
    when we do wrong?

    take care and choose only Allah's path. thisis the only path that leeds to ifs ands or buts.

    your sincere sister

  7. Dear Brother Ali,

    Your story hurt me incredibly, it seems you have been both sexually and physically abused throughout your life. There are people, like you, who struggle. We all struggle. Our struggles are each different.

    Maybe, instead of going to this mosque again, like Roux said, you should try out another mosque... or, find your local college MSA (you are 18, so you may not already be in college, but it is still okay to invest in attending). I'm pretty sure they have events in which you can attend, and get to know Muslim brothers and sisters.

    Just a question, have you ever been attracted to a girl? I ask, because if there was such an instance, then your situation is easier to deal with. It could be a reason to motivate yourself to find a potential muslim female spouse.

    I am in no way a sheikh, a scholar, or divine. But I know a few people with that struggle, and you seem to be better off than many. Please feel free to contact me, brother Ali. :]

    Your sister,


  8. My dear brother in Islam,

    It hurts me knowing what had happened to you. But at same time, I am happy because you have identified that homosexuality is wrong. Trust me, my dear brother, not everyone was given such an opportunity to discover what they were doing is wrong. Just like you, i was lucky too. I had strong fascination towards women. I love their company and enjoy being loved by them. I am such a feminine person myself. But like I said, we are lucky. Deep in our hearts and mind, we know that it wrong. So we strive to be better, thru remembrance of Allah and pray etc. It takes time, and time will develop maturity and strength within ourselves. We must never ever lose hope in ourselves. How I am looking at our situation, this is our part. we are being tested in this area, so we ought to keep going and keep our iman strongly rooted. For me, I have left my past life as a woman who loved woman. Definitely not easy, I have got the best woman in my life. better than any man, im afraid to say. Leaving her was the most difficult task, but I did. Alhamdulillah. I left her for the sake of Allah, because I am pretty sure Allah do not want me to continue living the sinful life I used to live. I want a blessed life, even if it meant that I am going to be alone. Whatever it is, my dear brother Ali, never feel intimidated with life and its challenges. As long as you prostrate to Allah swt, and seek guidance and protect you from harm and haram, will be fine. There is no need to for you to feel obligated to anyone and tell them your story, for that is between you and Allah. And He had conceal it for you, so you should not divulge and put yourself in a vulnerable spot. It is perfectly fine if you dont have much friends now, and i would strictly advised you to keep away from the circle of people who has similar tendencies. I did that. Whats comforting for us as Muslims, we know...we have our Creator that we can turn to. He hears every single words of your heart, He knows every single intention. Cry if u must, after your prayers and when making duaa. You will feel good. If you have a tendency of watching pornography, remove yourself from the seat and make wudu. and always remember Allah is watching. Whenever u have such thoughts, i strongly feel shaitan is the culprit. u must understand the purpose of shaitan, which is to mislead u.. then it is easier for you to counter their advances towards u. Since u are in school, keep yourself busy. achieve good grades. pursue a college degree and study in the fields that you enjoy most. that will take your mind off and inshallah makes u a stronger person. My brother Ali, you are doin well so far by not indulgin in your desire. you are better off than me, you didn realise you have such capacity to be aware that its wrong and you beat your desires because you fear Allah. Recognize your strengths, my dear brother and keep walking straight and brave, dont turn back and try to dig why you are like this and like that. because when u dig, u will only go deeper and its harder to get out. leave the past and remember, you have Allah to protect you. I know what you are going thru, its not easy. I have been in it. May Allah guide people like us and make it easy for us. Amin.

    • Salam my sister,

      I could not tell you how many times I cried , begging and pleading with Allah for mercy and more tears flow as I remember how merciful he is...and how much I needed his mercy...Alhamdulilah, may Allah help us ,protect us and guide us on a good path. Amin

  9. Dear brother Ali,

    First of all I prais for your steadfastness. You are a strong muslim, if you can keep your self away from your desire, then I can bet you can do anything in the world. The biggest Jihad is "Jahad bil Nafas" with self. You went through alot. Hats off to you for your steadfastness. I pray to Almightly Allah to shower his chcset blessing on you and make things easy for you.

    Your brother in Islam

  10. Brother, never lose hope in Allah ! he is the All forgiving, All merciful

    there are a number of hadith and verses which show us the way to control our animal base desires, such as :

    "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."

    It must be hard for you growing up in the usa and experiencing all the bad things that happened to you. I fully sympathise and feel for you bro ! stay strong and don't give into temptation. And i know how you can get confused about feelings growing up in a western country ... :/ naked people everywhere -_- so i understand what you are going through a bit.

    Finding a female companion (even though you say you are attracted to guys) would be good for you.

    The seriousness of homosexuality has been shown in the Qu'ran about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah but even the Jewish Bible 'Torah' shows how serious it is :

    "If a man lies with a male as with a women, both of them shall be put to death for their abominable deed; they have forfeited their lives." (Leviticus 20:13 NAB)


    So God let them go ahead and do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other's bodies. Instead of believing what they knew was the truth about God, they deliberately chose to believe lies. So they worshiped the things God made but not the Creator himself, who is to be praised forever. Amen. That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. And the men, instead of having normal sexual relationships with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men and, as a result, suffered within themselves the penalty they so richly deserved. When they refused to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their evil minds and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, fighting, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They are forever inventing new ways of sinning and are disobedient to their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, and are heartless and unforgiving. They are fully aware of God's death penalty for those who do these things, yet they go right ahead and do them anyway. And, worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too. (Romans 1:24-32 NLT)

    Muslims also believe this.

    Understand I am not trying to make you feel guilty or bad, I am just showing you how serious this is, because I care about you ! Insha Allah, you will be forgiven if you repent and resist the temptation

    so stay strong bro ! find a wife Insha Allah ! maybe speak to an Islamic counsellor to help you through your problems ... but ask Allah directly most importantly !

    i also am lonely, and suffer severe depression so i will be thinking of you bro !

    also, masturbation is also a sin in Islam .. some scholars say the only exception where you are allowed to, is if you fear you will commit adultery

    you can find an article on it on wikipedia 'masturbation in islam' I hope this information proves useful bro !

  11. hello ali
    dear i m 26 i m 100% like u
    i also think same
    i went weak and lost the path of islam i had sex with some guys but i hate them i hate myself i hate this act
    i also want to be a good muslim i feel guilty
    dear i cannot so when i read ur story i felt its my story please pray for me as well
    i do not want to go to hell
    i love ALLAH and his prophet

    • My brother, just remember one thing..that even a fasiq like me can remember, Allah is merciful and compassionate..thats how we begin all our prayers In the name of God, the COMPASSIONATE, the MERICUFL. Bismillah hir-rahmen- nir-rahem =) Allah will always be with you as long as you want him. Pray with your heart, seek Allah's forgiveness for sin because He WILL forgive you , me ANYBODY that wants to do what is right...Allah help you,keep you strong and bless you his goodness.

  12. Mr. Ali,

    I have read your story and i think I can give you some good advice.
    You are not sure what happened when you were 3 or 4, but that was the reason you feel attratcted to boys. You should consult a a hypnotherapist who can unlock your suppressed memories and find any compulsions in your mind. Once you get there, you can have him give you suggestions that will change your childhood expereince i,.e. you will become free from their clutch and automatic responses in your mind will be eliminated. Don't think it to be shameful to go to some person; there should not be any shame on the way of journey.
    In the end, believe that there is cure for every problem that humans have in this world; put your trust in Allah and believe that if you are sincere to get cured, he will help you and show you ways to eternal happiness and bliss.

  13. i pray for all you brothers out there who cant change their sexuality,but carry on praying to allah swt for forgiveness and fight the urges.please do not act on your urges as it is a terrible sin.may you have sabar.

  14. Salam alakume (peace and blessings of God)-

    to everyone who has responded with their thoughts, prayers or adivce. I did my best to respond to every one who took the time to respond to me. Forgive me if my responds were not as long,but know I put much thought in my words. Alhamdulilah, I found my ummah so then expected...and I must admit Allah is so merciful and gracious , Thanks be to His Holy Majesty, for allowing me to tell my story.

    Thank you for all your support and prayers. May Allah, my Lord and your Lord, bless us all, to help, guide and forgive us in our lives and let us grow closer to him through prayer and good works (i.e : charity, kindness, forgiving, honesty , hardwork, learning new things, ). , Inshallah (God willing)

    I must say I have been doing a lot of growing. I have avoided bad company for a very long time and it is better to be alone then in bad company...I feel this is the only place I can talk...and i do not wiish to waste your time, Allah forbid I should ever do so. ....

    UNFORTUNATELY...,, my uncle, who would choke me, has gotten...strange with me. Now, instead of hitting, he enjoys...bitting.kissing.. and grabbing certain areas..and holding me tight....a form of cuddling..threatening me...its very disturbing....when he is sober or drunk in private...I do not know what to make of it..i try to avoid him when i can...Alhamdulilah I have been helping my mother out more with chores and just trying to be a better person then I was...

    May Allah help and guide us all. I will pray for all those who have prayed for me because Allah has helped me so much, Thanks be to Him. I still struggle and have my down days but am still trying, struggling, trying to get better..and do my best to avoid what will be so poisonous for my being...

    May Allah bless you, bless me, forgive us, guide us, help us...and may we learn to give thanks for the good we have and learn to be better people everyday. Amin

  15. Asalamu Alaikum,

    I can you see you haven't recieved any comments for about two weeks now, but I felt that I should leave a comment because what you wrote really touched me. I may be repeating some things the others have said, but I feel that I should write all of this anyway.

    Ali, clearly you have been through much suffering throughout your life, your abusive father, the sexual abuse at such a young age, and then the sexual harassment and abuse you face by your uncle. Brother, it is so inspiring and commendable that you pray, and that you read the Quran and try hard to please Allah. May Allah answers your prayers, continue to guide you, and make you a pious and fully practising Muslim worthy to be amongst the highest ranks in terms of iman on the day of Judgment.

    Never give up in your prayers Ali, it is worship, prayer and reading of the Quran that will inshAllah keep you on the straight path. There is no doubt that homosexuality is not permissable within Islam. From what I can see, the sexual experiences you've had from a young age have influenced and conditioned you to the point that you find other males attractive. I feel that Islamic counselling will be beneficial to you, or atleast a Muslim consellor inshAllah. I say Muslim counsellor, or Islamic counselling because I feel that they will be the ones who will truly understand your situation, because they will be aware of the status of homosexuality in Islam, rather than non Muslim counsellors. It is very important that you also speak to your counsellor about the things you want in life, for example, you mentioned someday maybe you will have wife and children. Telling the counsellor these things will help them understand that you want changes in your life, and that being attracted to men is something that you don't want.

    Ali, Allah tells us in the Quran, “Allah surely loves those who are the Sabireen (patient).” (3:146) and also: “Nay, seek (Allah’s) help with patient perseverance and prayer: It is indeed hard, except to those who bring a lowly spirit, Who bear in mind the certainty that they are to meet their Lord, and that they are to return to Him. ” [Quran 2:45-46]

    Always remember that Allah has told us: Verily, with every difficulty there is relief (94:6) so never give hope, change IS possible. I don't even know you and I have faith in you.

    This could be a test from Allah, just remember that the reward of the patient is Paradise, and eternal bliss!

    From what I understand, we do not sin if we THINK of commiting sins, but the sin occurs when we act out the sin. Ponder the mercy of Allah Ali, if we don't act out the sin, we get rewarded for it! Keep making istaghfar, and turning to Allah for mercy. Eventually Shaitaan and the nafs (carnal desires) will get frustrated, and you will win the battle over them inshAllah!

    Your are in my duas brother,

    Your sister,


    • My dear sister, thank you so much for your support in my cause. It really means a lot. Its something i deal with everyday, I ask for God's help for myself and everybody. May Allah bless you his guidance , forgiveness and mercy and most of all, give you 2x the Raham(compassion) you showed me : )
      Thank you for your duas, Thank you for your words , and thank you for giving me the kindness I rarely see from my own people : )

  16. Assalaamu alaikum - I havent replied before this but I pray that InshaAllah your situation has got better. Im sorry to hear about everything you've gone through its a huge trial, but MashaAllah you seem strong. As long as you stay on the straight path, trust in Allah and remember its a sin then InshaAllah you'll get there. Think of the rewards you will get on Yawmal Qiyamah for your steadfastness.

    Yes I also agree with sister Muslimah on trying to get in touch with a muslim counsellor if you can. And also from what you've written it sounds like your uncle may be abusing you? I pray that Allah swt protects you. Normally in this situation I would say leave your home (if he lives there) but in most cases being at home saves you fromn other sins. Strongly avoid being alone with him at any time if you can, and dont be afraid to get help. Im sorry I can't offer any better advice - just wanted to let u know again that your not alone - InshaAllah will remember u in my duas/.

  17. wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh Ali!!

    I can't help but feel a sense of sincerety from you which deserves much respect. You are being honest with yourself and your emotions. You are fully aware of the evils around you, and therefore depressed as a result of it.

    Sometimes parents are the least likely to understand their children because they have for years formed their own expectations of what they child should or should not be. And if they end up not being that way, they find it extremely difficult to deal with. Out of their pain, they inadvertantly inflict some upon their child. So try to be kind to your mother despite her disposition.

    Your situation seems to be one of enviornmental factors and another of trauma as a child. I don't think you are attracted to men but rather are trying to fill a void you experienced with you father as a child. Your actions are "messed up" as you say, but your thinking is not. Why? Because you clearly have a good head on your shoulders just weakened by the stupidity around you.

    My suggestion to you is to push this homosexuality thing out of your mind for a little while. Don't think about it, don't think about the people in your community. Don't be despressed and don't be in despair.But look in the mirror and say "ALI - It's TIME TO FOCUS". Get a book on the life of the Prophet or one on the Companions of the Prophet (saw). Go to your room and block yourself out from all negative emotions. Read the book. When you are done, sit with a pen and paper and write "what I enjoy in life" (make sure nothing is sexually related). Write "who do I admire dead or alive", write "what makes me happy", "where do I see myself in two years", and lastly "what does it mean to be a Muslim". Think about these things and focus on them. I see your issues as something you can surpass, making it a past of pain and suffering but a very bright future.

    For 40 days focus on these aspects (not on your problems, or the stupid people around you). Every night before you go to sleep Pray your Isha, make sincere dua to Allah swt cry, plead, beg Him, complain to Him with all your heart. And before bed read the Quran (make sure its in a language you understand) anywhere, seek refuge in Allah swt from Shaytaan the acursed and READ. Even if it's only one it every night and THINK about the verse! What is Allah swt telling you?...

    Deal with the CORE of you, your morals, your values, your personality. And any knuckled head that starts acting funny or trying to disrespect you -- don't accept it. Keep your mind focused on where you need to go in life. Shaytaan is trying to distract you, don't allow him to.

    I know you can do it bro!! .. Trust Allah swt and focus Insha'Allah.

    May Allah swt give you the strength to see the light of His Mercy...May He Guide you to what Pleases Him and may He give you the strength to firmly reject the evils of this world... Ameen.

    Allah swt Knows Best!

  18. Ali, i was fortunate enough to stumble upon your post and alhamdullillah that i did. After reading through your first post and all the replies, i just wanted to tell you that your faith must be incredibly strong. Allah doesn't test us with more than we can handle, and whatever you miss out in this life, or whatever suffering and sorrow you face, inshallah Allah will make it easy for you on judgement day and give you a good place in paradise as a reward ( sorry, i don't know the arabic terms for those words). May you be successful in the trials that Allah gives you in this life so that you may be more successful in the hereafter.
    I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, except that you've had to deal with more than i and a lot of people could imagine.

    I've known i was kinda this way since i was a kid, but i didn't know there was a word for it until i was 13. I hid it from my family and friends, and I've never pursued any relationships either because to me, being gay was horribly embarrassing and shameful. I feared alienation and persecution from people i met, so for about 7 years of my teenage life i had no friends, and i stayed distant from my family. I'm only 22, but the last two years have been horrible. Being kinda closed and shy is just the way i am, but with the addition of isolation from everyone around me and my family, i eventually developed depression. It was so bad to the point where I wasn't even feeling sad anymore, i just felt emptiness and despair. I drank all the time to numb the feelings, and I'd wander around the city i lived in late at night with no direction hoping that by Allah's will, something would take my life. But when i realized that i was contemplating suicide, i got scared, and i decided to be truthful to my parents. I was really surprised that they were a lot more understanding than i thought they would be. They were more worried my depression than about me being gay. Things are alright now. I still get sad now and then, but i still keep praying to Allah that things will get better, not just for me, but for everybody on this earth. I know that everyone has some time of trial in their lives, and after kinda knowing how bad it could get, i just hope that Allah will grant all humans a chance for success in this life and the next.

    Anyways, what i'm trying to say is that there are people like us out there who are muslim and gay, but are also good people. I've put much thought into it and in my opinion, being gay isn't a sin in itself, it's a trial that Allah gave us that we have to struggle with on a day to day basis by making the right decisions and avoid bad decisions. However it's the action that is a sin. I've never had girlfriend or boyfriend, and i've never had sex, nor have i kissed or hugged anyone from the either sex, but i have fallen for one or two of my friends that i love very dearly. As a human, i can't control my feelings, but i can control my actions. The most i could ask for from this life is just good companions that will keep me on the right path and do good deeds so that things will be better for us in the hereafter.

    If people ever say bad things to you because of your situation, don't listen to them and don't let them influence how you feel. What do they know? They're just humans like us.
    Just as there are good non-muslims and bad non-muslims, the same goes for muslims. So don't let that one experience hinder you from going to the masjids. If need be, just go to another masjid, or go with a friend. You don't have to tell people about being gay because it's none of their business. When I go to the masjids I leave all my worldy worries or concerns behind. I just go there to pray and learn about islam and the prophet (peace be upon him), and i usually find myself more at peace when i leave the masjid than when i enter.

    Im glad i found this posting cause there's not many muslims who understand and are tolerant about this subject and in addition, its very hard to reach out to the imams or muslims that i know. I just find it very ironic that most of the guidance and advice i get are from non-muslims, which i think is a shame.
    And also, I don't know if its the right place to ask...not sure who i should ask either, but is there a way i can keep in contact with you Ali? I kinda understand what you're going through and i just wanna check up on you from time to time to see if you're doing alright. You're not alone, even though it may feel like that sometimes. Make wise decisions, and keep trying your best to be good for the sake of Allah. =)

    • I would be more than happy to keep in touch with someone who knows how it feels...who understands the misery that homosexuality causes...Inshallah, we may become good friends. Jazakallah Khair

    • Salaam dan, as I was going through your story I realised that your story matches mine in almost everyway, I am also shy and in a way enclosed which has really worsened my isolation. May Allah help us dan and all the muslims who suffer from this. I also want to take this opportunity to inform all the struggling muslims of this website called (straightstruggle), its a group that was established by the StraightWay Foundation with the aim of providing a safe environment of interaction and mutual support for same-gender attracted Muslims.

  19. Assalam o alaikum.

    I know it's rather late but I thought I should leave a response because I understand what it is you are going through.

    I turned 18 in February.Like you,I am also a homosexual male.
    I've known I have been attracted to men,and lacking in attraction to women,ever since the age of my earliest recollections.
    When I hit puberty I used to think that my lack of attraction to women was just a phase that was meant to go away.I waited for many years for the opportunity to 'get it'.
    'It' never came.
    I admitted to myself I was gay in October 2010.
    A wave of calm swept over me as I finally sorted out the ambiguous stew of emotions that had accumulated in my heart as I had grown up.

    The first thing I did was to look for religious guidance online.
    Then I began with interacting with other gay Muslims online.

    Then I interacted with non-Muslim homosexuals online but found that largely to my distaste.In general, anyone wishing to maintain a spiritual life will find little acceptance among gay people who have become fixated on sensual pleasure and rejection of anything remotely religious or spiritual.
    That is why I have stopped visiting forums related to homosexuality composed largely of non-Muslims

    I drew up a list of points as a consequence :

    -God has made me homosexual.
    -I will not indulge in homosexual activities.
    -I will not marry a woman who doesn't know about my homosexuality as I would be doing wrong by her and this is a sin most foul.
    -I will be at peace with myself and shall be grateful under the conviction that God shall compensate me in this life and in the hereafter in return for not granting me the gift of sexual and romantic satisfaction.
    -I understand fully that Allah is most just and takes no pleasure out of harming us.His logic is not human logic and,as a Muslim,it is my duty to receive(revelations) and obey.

    I am grateful to the lord that I have never been a victim of depression brought upon by my homosexuality.Never,not even once,have I held it against the lord from my heart.
    I've told my mother and she is very accepting though deeply saddened that I will be lonely (I have decided on celibacy).She is the love of my life (I don't mean that is the romantic sense that is shoved down our gullets by the sex-crazed media we are exposed to all the time.I mean that in ways of love that have been side-tracked and ignored,but are stronger and deeper than romantic love though not sexually stimulating.) and it is my first priority to be a great son to my parents as far as emotional linkages are concerned.

    I am,by nature,emotionally needy and giving at the same time.That is why it shall be especially difficult for me to be alone.
    Twenty years from now,I am most probably going to spend countless a night sobbing in my pillow at 3 AM out of sheer loneliness and lack of someone to hold and to connect with at an intimate level.
    But for now I am fine with it.

    I'm thinking along the lines of getting into an MOC ;in that I could raise a family with a woman(lesbian or asexual) who can be a great friend and companion for life.I would rather have a loving friend than a sexual companion if I cannot have both(a wife is supposed to both).However,there are sources which state that the prophet forbade men who 'do not feel passion' for their spouses from getting married.Therefore,I fear such a marriage may not be valid.

    As shocking as it may sound,I am a practicing Muslim who constantly seeks to perfect his deen for himself so as to be worthy of the label 'Muslim' and I am happy with being gay;in fact,I'm downright grateful.
    I do not know why.
    But there is this undying conviction in my soul that whatever God does is for the best.
    And God does not burden a soul with more than it can handle...
    And God administers great tests to only those he loves and wants to be near him...
    As a consequence,My homosexuality makes me feel special in a good way.
    I've learned to observe and not judge.
    I've learned to be open-minded.
    I've learned to be at peace with myself.
    I've learned that the middle-path is almost always the best path to follow and denying to oneself the truth is harmful.
    That I owe,in no small part,to my homosexuality.Had I not been homosexual,I believe,I would have been one of those hypocritical and intolerant people who sneer at others without understanding the bigger picture.I belong to such a society.Most of us do.

    God has made me smart and handsome,birthed me in a well to do Muslim family,and has not made me handicapped in any other way.
    There's too much to thank him for and nothing to be angry over.

    Our being gay IS NOT a sin.
    And this is NOT something that can be changed.
    However,at the same time,its inability to be changed does not validate homosexual relations.(even though most homosexuals use it as an argument)

    Both sides(islamists and homophiles) argue on the basis of nature and productivity mostly.I can beat both sides if they insist on using those worn out phrases and examples again and again.There are many more dimensions to the issue and few have taken care to analyze them properly.Read the Quran.The reason is there and it has little to do with the story of Lut's nation.

    This is an excerpt from an online conversation I've been having with a homosexual American peer of mine:

    "I've found a few reasons as to why homosexuality can be harmful,the most important of which is that homosexuality can lead to debauchery
    For example,many homosexuals support the movie 'starcossed'.I did not even care to see it out of disgust but I have learned that It has a large fan base that reasons that as they are males the two brothers could have had sexual relations without any biological consequence i.e children (they are,after all,the main reason why incest is prohibited in the first place.)

    hmmm..come to think of it then,wouldn't sex between a man and his sister be permissible if there is no chance a baby will follow?

    Furthermore,many individuals reason it out that monogamy and marriage are constructs for the hetero world for the same reason;
    they lead a promiscuous lifestyle.Many Muslims with that type of thinking then gravitate towards other sins such as drinking ('a little bit isn't harmful after all').

    In the Quran we are warned to not follow the FOOTSTEPS of Satan for they can lead to sin.
    Homosexuality is a footstep that,if allowed acceptance in our hearts and souls shall start a chain reaction that can validate most sins in our hearts

    You will not be 'cured'.
    It is not a disease nor a curse.
    It is a test.
    It does not matter how one becomes this way.
    Is it because I was repeatedly sexually abused as a child?(something we have in common)
    Or is it because my brain is structured like a heterosexual female's?(research based finding)
    In any case it does not matter.
    It is a part of our being and we must accept it.

    Homosexuality is a phenomenon that needs to be dealt with throughout one's life in my personal opinion.

    The ultimate goal you need to reach is the state of being at peace with what you are.

    Start by forgiving all those who have abused you.remembering their crimes is just going to harm you further and not trouble them.DO NOT LET THE ABUSE CONTINUE IN YOUR MIND.
    I've tried my best to forgive all my abusers to date.I know that Allah is the best of judges and will deal with them as he pleases.
    I pray they learn from their errors on my part.
    At the same time,DO NOT let your uncle touch you.I have a feeling he is a closeted homosexual who is frustrated and will begin looking towards you for sexual release.

    You should keep your sexual orientation to yourself.This much disclosure is not required in Islam an you would not be dishonest as this is a matter most personal and nobody else's business.

    And cry whenever you feel like it.
    Bravery is not just a man behind a gun nor does being brave entail freezing one's tears till bottled up emotions damage us and flood out in the wost possible manner.

    You must learn to reach a state of tranquility knowing well the options available according to Islam.
    Perhaps that is the meaning behind the test.
    I would like to end my post with a very beautiful saying I found a while back:

    "He who loves and remains chaste and conceals his secret and dies, dies a martyr."-Prophet Mohammad(PBUH)

    • Salaam brother,

      Although I have not had to go through any of the trials that you have so admirably and courageously fought through, I just wanted to write to say what an incredible Muslim you are; you have strength and self control beyond the vast vast majority of the world's population and you are so optimistic and kind and generous despite all you are going through.

      I really wish you the best in your life and the your way of thinking and your positivity truly is a lesson for us all. May Allah bless you.

      Take care and best wishes

  20. dear Hassan,

    i read your response very carefully, trying to find out a way to help my brother( my own brother). so thankyou for putting this post.
    only thing i will say is that Allah never made you like this. homosexuality is a condition like many other conditions e.g depression, schezophrenia , bipolar disorder etc. its is a mental state not a way you are born. dont you think if sexual abuse or lack of father figure is common finding in all such cases then it had do something how psychiologically one is effected which gets manifested is physical way.please my dear brother dont convince yourself as 'being born this way'.

    may Allah make it easy for you.

  21. Assalamoalaikum

    Dear Friend,

    Actually,even BEFORE I was sexually abused I used to imagine myself a female (albeit a masculine one who could take care of herself--I am not effeminate) in many imaginary stories I'd concoct up.
    Also,so many males have same-sex sexual experiences before and after puberty but only a minority turns out to exhibit some form of same sex attraction after 14.It is a predisposition.Also,usually the father distances himself BECAUSE the child is different.The son may exhibit feminine traits that invite only contempt from the father.In some cases I've read of homosexuals saying that they belong to a clutch of kids in twos or threes but their father distanced himself from the gay son alone.Why?
    Their mothers are usually overbearing because,already being gay,the child may choose to cling with the female parent.
    By the way,my father was a satisfactory father in my opinion.

    There is not a single homosexual who has truly been 'cured'.Perhaps they are turned asexual but never heterosexual(unless they are innately bisexual).It causes quiet a scandal when heads of ex-gay movements are caught in compromising positions (gay bars etc.).It pains me to read about women who find out their husbands have been having affairs with men behind their backs.In some cases,the men get married trying to become 'straight' and just end up creating misery because they refuse to accept who they are and cannot handle themselves in a rational and Islamic manner.Then the dam bursts.Confused or disappointed,they trouble their wives and/or indulge in lewd acts.Verily,it is sin most foul to include innocents in our misery.
    I say that we must not make it a cause of misery.

    In any case,it does not matter how we became this way.However,it is an unchangeable aspect of our beings and I LIKE IT.
    It makes me feel closer to God,as I have mentioned before.
    No desire is sinful.
    If we accept our desires and learn to control them not only shall we save ourselves from committing sin but shall also find peace and also be blessed by Allah,who is never unjust.


    • wa'alaykum salaam wa rahmatulaahi wa barakaatuh,

      It really seems that the 'gayhood' or 'homosexuality' really represents itself as a pathology! I mean, have ye ever noticed how much each of us are similar in so-many-ways : that is not at all a rebuke, just a sort of whimper coming from me.

      I've read your artifact ditto for the brother who commenced this discussion; and i pray for that Allah(sw't) aids and insha'Allah 'cures' you.

      unlike you, i really feel that being gay is really an ailment.

      I mean, we cannot identify ourselves as being gay as there's is nothing as the like of it; earlier on it was really acknowledged as being a paraphillic disease but which eventually after 1973 was removed as being a form of psychiatric sickness; being gay is something that is being now accepted as a form of a being oneself, as being of the third gender.

      I'm pretty much hazy purporting to what i write - my apologies.

      I feel that if we are to accept ourself as being gay, we are really accepting the normality of being one - which is really not atypical.
      It's like really going by what the others say about it; and, that is not what Allah(sw't) has said on about it.

      Homosexuality has been condemned by Islam - i think it really pertains to the act of being one (which is to say of accepting thyself as one; of being unashamed of being as one - I guess you must have heard of the hadith wherein it has been stated that the person who sins the whole night but then says nothing of it in the morning can be verily be forgiven by Allah(sw't), unlike the other person who sins all night long and divulges it out in the morning is identified as being a sinner who's really committed this sin due to the seed of arrogance present in his heart.

      Many of among us like you - are living' subrosa - which Alhamdoulillah is good; have you noticed on about how much the debaucherie of the society we live it is compelling us to break open from our closet?

      I think i just diverted from the topic - my apologies.

      I've read that Allah(sw't) has created all of us with a fitrah which is similitude of 'instinctive predisposition' if i am to translate it.
      and as per to this concept, we really have been created perfect each in our own way - i mean all of us have been created perfectly and so that our actions really entails or complement the fitrah we've been bestowed with.
      and as per to our fitrah, we aint supposed to be attracted towards guys!
      even though many of among us might just say that they just cannot recall of when we had had been attracted towards the females; but then it still is void; i mean, it contradicts the fitrah.

      It may be that our fitrah has had been poisoned by none other than shaytaan.

      I mean, if there really can be ailments that purports to the body, the mind - why not to the soul; hypocrisy, jealousy and so on and so forth have been identified as diseases of the heart.

      and what if our soul has had really been 'inflicted' with the disease of homosexuality.

      It is rally a test and i feel that we should not accept this desire as being part of us, we should deny it, we should fight against it, we should really annihilate it - insha'Allah.

      I do not at all like being as such, it revulses me - some will say that it's my self denial; but i believe in that it's the rejection of what i am not.

      unlike you, i've known brothers who've been freed of this ailment: obviously via the aid coming from Allah.
      I mean - if it had had been a permanent way of being; Allah(sw't) would never have had sent Lut(as) to the people of sodom and thereon calls them towards Islam and offering them his daughters as a cure (Islam and Nikah).

      I think that we should all - insha'Allah - pray for it to just evaporate, to just fade away.
      perhaps thats really the test that we've been subjugated to and with!

      I mean, it's not on about the contentment of being as such; Contentment is highly regarded in Islam and i don't want to contradict this doctrine.
      diseases, poverty, loss of our closed ones - al have been depicted as being 'evils' via which we really reap good.
      It has had been said that we'll be tested, i mean it has had been said that the believers would be tested with the loss of siblings, loss of wealth and health etc - and it has had been 'retorted' that we do perceive these as being evils but of which we know not much.
      It also has had been said that trials and tribulations is really a way that Allah(sw't) utilzes to call his servant towards 'HIM'self.
      and i believe that Contentment is really about knowing that Allah(sw't) has willed the best for us, despite the condition we are in.
      But then, it does not infer on about being in state disproved by Allah(sw't), it does not correlate to a state of being that is deemed as being sinful.

      Allah(sw't) has told us to call upon him and He(sw't) will respond to our call,
      He has told us to be Muslims, the way our predeccesors have had been! and none of them have had depicted as being 'gay' and muslim! - absolutely nowhere.
      and i feel He(sw't) has ordained us to seek for this perfection(as have been phrased in hadith).

      the brother below - silent struggle - i think has had written a book under the same name as his pseudo; and i feel you'll really like it.

      nota bene: i am not implying on about towards that you should be needing reading! Allah(sw't) be my witness - am just sharing his work which i feel is really nice.

      I pray for that Allah(sw't) guides us towards his love, onto the path of those he has favored, towards eternal life, towards his will(the way he wants us to be and not the way or desires perforces us) - ameen.

      I pray for that each of us, to be freed of this flaw which is homosexuality; know that expecting for the best has had been deemed as a foremost form of worship - ameen.

      I pray for that we live and die as being those who have submitted to Allah, as being muslims, mu'mins, muhsins. - ameen.

      my apologies for if this has seemed to be 'contentious' which is not of what i wanted to say.
      my apologies if ever the way i worded it was not good and not pleasant to you.
      and disregard my tautological 'i mean's'', 'and', 'then', it'was all crafted at one go.
      Astghfirullah if...

  22. a late response, but i sincerely hope this brother is all right, in the best of health, happiness, imaan and deen. Ameen.

  23. Ali - asalamu alaikum. being gay is not a disease or design flaw. You didn't ask to be gay anymore than a straight person asked to be straight. Allah knows what we know not. And Rather than judging and condemning gays, accept that Allah is the most wise and has a plan for you. If being gay is a disease which you never asked for then how could he condemn? I went through my teens.and twenties sure I would burn in hell for something beyond my understanding. I tried to pray away the gay but this never worked, and I tried for decades. If you ever want to talk I am here. Wasalaam.

  24. Asalaam alaikum,

    I am a bit distressed to see so many people here, say that "God made me gay." Have you spoken to Allah (swt) and had this confirmed, personally? Instead, you have relied upon your own judgment of yourself to make such a claim, so please be careful in ascribing to Allah (swt) something you do not know. It's a form of shirk to ascribe such things to The Almighty, The Seer and The Knower. We understand so little, to be honest.

    Sexual identity does not take place in children till about the age of 7 in most cases. What this means is that children do not identify people as male and female, nor do they assign masculine or feminine qualities to their environment, people and what not till at this time. This can happen earlier for some children and later for others, but it tells us a very important point of understanding that our developments and attraction is an on-going process throughout our lives. This study was conducted in the late 90s by secular psychologists.

    Please do not think that it does away for the natural predisposition of heterosexuality, because this study only concluded how the children were "identifying" their surroundings. That is why it is a fallacy to constantly rely on what we felt as children or when we were younger. I will make this further point down below after the next two paragraphs.

    In fact, it wasn't until a few years ago in which homosexuality was classified as a mental illness, as well. It was more due to politics than anything scientific which had this classification removed by the AMA. You have to understand that when an illness is classified by the mental health society as such, the patient who suffers from it, is entitled to government care/insurance coverage to alleviate this issue. The politics overshadowed what was politically incorrect and thus, the issue of addressing homosexuality became overtly politicized, not the least of which was the homosexual community. Many of the studies done to claim homosexuality as natural have been quite flawed and other researchers have questioned the validity of the testing methods and procedures used to collect and analyze the data that "legitimizes the 'gay-creation'" claim.

    Anyhow, I mention this so that anyone trying to understand this problem recognizes that studies have been brought into question for several reasons and the politics surrounding it does play a part in how some conclusions are drawn. Yet, finding transparency is what is needed while avoiding blanket attitudes and statements that either condemn, misinform or keep reform from the individual. You would be surprised how angry and aggressive the homosexual community is at science that doesn't fit their lifestyles and many doctors have shied away from speaking about this publicly, due to the bigoted diatribe they suffer in bringing about what is deemed as anything as 'anti-gay'.

    Getting back to the topic, we must also understand that until our late 20s, our brain is still growing. What?! Yes, our frontal cortex has not developed fully until this late age, on average. This means that while we have completed our physical sexual development, our cerebral development has another 10 years to go and for some people, it may not take place till their early 30s. And this only involves the growth of our brain, never mind how we process our emotions, experiences and knowledge that we are presented with. This is a significant realization when we are trying to understand our attractions and how we are forming those attractions, likewise. So we must recognize that in these ages (pre-development) we are still working with a physical state that has not stopped physically growing. Since the brain is not fully developed at this stage, we can not state that our sexual preferences are "set in stone," since we haven't reached the cerebral potential.

    A few things also stuck out about the original poster in that he referenced pornography, as well. I have posted several times about the dangers of pornography and the studies surrounding them, and this is true of gay porn. It is not surprising that this fact has played a role here. For both homosexuals and heterosexuals, porn has destroyed our conceptions of sexual attraction, intimacy and expectations. I am sure the blind person fares better in this regard.

    It's important to note that heterosexual porn is often used as a gauge by homosexuals to determine gay attraction and vice versa for heterosexuals. This is a huge mistake. Just because you don't like heterosexual porn, does not validate your homosexual attraction! Repulsion or acceptance of selective porn is not a factor! Porn is a different animal that becomes a predator and develops a sexual addiction to it. When you see heterosexual porn, it would be a case of you seeing a woman degraded and in your condition, you may not find it sexual stimulating. Even lesbians contend that watching porn for them, is a way of "hating" women. There was a note made by one lesbian who said she enjoyed heterosexual porn because it debased women. Again, this issue wasn't the sexual act being displayed, it was about something else. Do not use porn to gauge anything! It is a beast which devours a person's self worth.

    And if you do enjoy homosexual porn, you should note how many homosexual men have died from the diseases they contracted from that industry. The same holds true for heterosexuals, where sexual diseases and abuse is common in that industry. The porn industry is not so much about sex, as profiting from the display of it. Please stop watching it! If you need resources to cure a porn addiction, please say so, I will reply.

    Psychology and sociology has shown that our attraction is something that we develop within our hetero or homosexual inclinations (key word) but let me stress the word "inclinations," which does not mean predisposition. Instead, wee are predisposed to heterosexuality for reproduction, evolution and harmony within our society.

    Homosexuality observed in chimpanzees, has seen tribes of chimps that oust the homosexual ones and treat them as outcasts. I mention this because this species is representative to us in our social behaviors. What was telling was that in one case, the homosexual chimps went about forming their own small tribe of about 5 chimps. They took about to killing the small chimp infants of tribes they attacked. It was a startling and was documented about 7-10 years ago, if I am not mistaken.

    I am not saying that homosexual humans behave the same way, but socially, what those homosexual chimps were displaying was an aggressive rebuttal of heterosexuality, and they went after the youngest chimps in retribution for what they felt. Often, we see this is common in the "born gay stay that way" community, which has a likewise intolerance for accepting that, scientifically speaking, we are predisposed to heterosexuality and that homosexuality is often learned by our experiences and shaped by our environment. Each case may be unique, but studies have shown that sexual attraction development can be changed and is more likely to evolve with exposure directed once ascertainment of attraction particulars are discovered.

    One of the keys to understanding and unravel, in this case, homosexual tendencies is to understand the basis of attraction. We already know that biologically we are predisposed to heterosexuality, socially this has historically been the same and physically we are created for heterosexual relationships, as well. What is missing from this is the psychological link. You must begin to understand "why" you've developed your homosexual attractions. Simply stating, "because I like guys" is insufficient.

    Another telling aspect, is the common historical sexual positions. Based on physical coupling, we see that traditionally speaking, heterosexual coupling takes place with the partners facing each other. Homosexual coupling is traditionally fulfilled away from facing each other. In fact, in homosexual relationships, it is common for one partner to take on the feminine role in the relationship or to become the feminine partner while coupling. It is also noteworthy that in homosexual coupling, damage to the rectal cavity is prevalent to the degree that irreparable damage may incur. The theory of natural predisposition to homosexuality does not address the failure of evolution or human development to minimize homosexual coupling tears, bleeding and rectal damage.

    It has also been the case, that when heterosexual couples partake in anal intercourse, the same rectal injuries occur. A predisposition to homosexuality, in theory, would render these cases of sexual injury non-existent given the time of human placement on this Earth. While a woman may naturally bleed from her first sexual experience, it is often that the male recipient of homosexual coupling experiences regular rectal tears and bleeding. In some cases, he would have to make necessary the use of feminine products such as menstruation pads or medical stitches or sutures. Yet rectal bleeding and internal bleeding is common, which is not the case in heterosexual coupling. So this puts a direct question to the validity to "natural predisposition of homosexuality," never mind that the homosexual cannot reproduce to ensure their survival.

    Another problem in the science of homosexual predisposition validity is its' reliance on the Kinsey studies. Kinsey did not set out to prove anything other than a record of sexual behaviors and recorded sexual deviancy. His methods have long been criticized and his results, in this day, are just as circumspect for reasons based on ethical science practices which he did not always observe. However, homosexual predisposition theory among 'friendly' homosexual articles and thesis have not addressed this fact when relying on his recorded data. In fact, the sexual psychological community is still having to address these issues in debates, because his data in unreliable and tainted. Keep this in mind, if when researching, you come across his referenced data.

    I mention all of this, because when people believe that homosexuality cannot be addressed and treated successfully, they fail to understand the basis for our attractions. That in nearly the first 30 years of our physical development, we are incurring the sexual development in those peak sexual drive years, which brings all sorts of problems to the person who is suffering from sexual dysfunction whether it's socially, physically, emotionally or psychologically.

    I hope this helps you to understand that scientifically speaking, it has been proven that you are predisposed to homosexuality. Recorded homosexual instances in History only proves that homosexuals existed, but not the "born that way" theory. Nothing more or less. Understand that you can change your sexual inclinations. You do not have to suffer the rest of life without comforting sexual contact, however. You can develop a heterosexual attraction and sexual fulfillment from a woman. It can be successfully emotional and rewarding, too.

    Understand your attractions as something that needs to be redirected towards what is a natural predisposition to heterosexuality in your mind and body. Remember that physically and socially, you are on the path to heterosexual identity.

    I hope this has helped.

    Kind Regards,
    Professor X

    • I needed to make two corrections in my reply above.

      The third paragraph should read:

      Please do not think that it does away for the natural predisposition of heterosexuality, because this study only concluded how the children were "identifying" their surroundings. That is why it is a fallacy to constantly rely on what we felt as children or when we were younger. Our young perceptions were not based on homo or heterosexuality in our beginning years, though we are predisposed to heterosexual relations. I will make this further point down below after the next two paragraphs.

      In the second to last paragraph is should red "heterosexuality in this sentence and include "naturally."

      I hope this helps you to understand that scientifically speaking, it has been proven that you are naturally predisposed to heterosexuality.

  25. I'm the same as you...I bi and I HATE it........I've got no idea what to do though ;(
    I pray, read Qur'an, fast, do Sunnah, pretty much all (or most) Fards and Sunnahs..

  26. Assalaam Alaikum.

    First and foremost I would like to say Masha'Allah! What a path you have decided to take. There are not many that would choose this path and may Allaw (swt) bless you (and others) greatly for choosing so. I'm so sorry that you have to face this, and hope that I could help you out, but unfortunately this is your test. I would like to ask you to keep strong, and not to be turned away from Islam from the ignorant muslims that you have met/may meet during your journey. Insha'Allah, Allah will make this easy for you - I can only hope as it seems such a difficult journey.

    Lastly, from the very little knowledge I have of Islam, I would like to tell you that being Gay is not the end of everything. Everyone sins, everybody makes mistakes. Being homosexual and having homosexual thoughts is not wrong because as much as you try to not think about it, it still ends up happening - how many times has this happened to heterosexuals but with respect to something less severe such as thinking badly about someone. We ask for forgiveness and we continue trying our best to not do it again. This is something I would to tell you. Being homosexual is not a major sin, however carrying out with homosexuals acts is.
    I dont want to cause confusion - the only reason I say this is to tell you to not hate yourself - that will get you no where, but rather to try and stop and diminish the actions that make homosexuality wrong (obviously, this will be much harder to do than to say).

    May Allah guide us all for we are all sinners. And may he help and guide you. Insha'Allah I will not have caused confusion and this message is able to help you in any way.

    Take care.

  27. Brother Ali, you are a wonderful person! , after looking at what you wrote it really touched me, it made me thankful for what I got and what I don't.
    the reason why I came across this was because I am trying to help my cousin with almost the same issue and I really hope to find answers and ways to help him. also help myself with every sin I do even if it is not related! I hope you make good friends! and I am pretty sure god will help you through this. the temptation might never go away but this is your test brother and I hope you do good!

  28. salam
    hey ali..i know its been 2 years! but sorry for that..i just read ur story..and i was like totally shocked that we match perfectly!!..i mean it did all happened to me as it happened to you.but ur stronger den me..i hope i will be strong like you cz i had sex with men many times but u didnt..hatss off to you brother 🙂
    u remind me a tru muslim..even i just started pray to allah..i am 17..and now um praying. id ont know allah will forgive me or not but i am trying to be cure and be a perfect muslim like you
    so i think i will pray for you too:)
    and please pray for me we are same but ur better then me:)

  29. Salam brother , things will be fine ,

    coz you have shared the biggest thing in life , taking great step.

    life is about finding help support , power in heart to share personal thing,

    by this you create great step of support for your self as well create support for others.

    i understand that , if in case 99% world around you would turns evil and unjust and 1% is only good ,

    even if you dont want to be with those 99% they will be around ,

    however search like you search your God for that 1% coz

    those 1% they are like like Diamond 🙂 like Gold , Gods gift for you.

    coz every thing on earth is not is not gold and diamond ,

    dont lose hope digging them up from mine brother get them out ,

    heart is the most powerful tool on earth use it Brother,

    from heart you can give all that love you got , even though it might not be enough for world ,

    pleas do not worry coz it will come back to you thats natures order. in many beautiful ways from Gift of God.

    however for your life security and safety you need to hide your self like God 🙂 but be present with patience 🙂
    for sure help of guidance and security is from Gods.

    i wonder how do world justify the sins , your mother would love drunk husband or drunk uncle.
    she is helpless defenseless. .

    your orientation is like password let it be like password between you and your Merciful Compassionate Creator .

  30. I don't know where to start...but for as long as I can remember I have had an attraction to people of the same sex (remembering back to as far as the age of 6).

    As I was growing up I faced encounters with other young males of exploration of eachother etc...

    At the age of 14 when I began to explore myself sexually I found myself having sexual interaction with a cousin who was a couple of years older. This went on for a number of years till I went on to University.

    I guess up to the age of 19, I used to partake in activities and would watch explicit material of gay nature but I never thought about labelling myself. However saying that I lived a large proportion of my life in fear. I was so fearful of God that I would become depressed after listening to music or thinking about a guy. In turn this lead to me living most of my youth in severe depression, attempting suicide many times. No one ever knew what I was going through because I never shared it with anyone- always put a smile on and that was it. My parents don't even know me well enough to know what is going through my head.

    At the age of 20 I began to accept who I was, what I was- not that this was any easier. Life took a downward spiral and I ended up on antidepressants. I remember falling in love, having my first relationship with a guy. This made me happy- for once I was being honest with myself and accepting who I was. As time has gone on, we are no longer together, I do wonder everyday of my life whether being gay is the life I want.

    This curse doesn't ever go away. I am challenged by it everyday- when people make derogatory comments it hurts me. When I see people in love I feel incomplete. Knowing that I will always be alone, is the most painful feeling to live with.

    I still question till today- if it is so wrong than why has God made me this way.

    • Hassan, I don't believe that Allah made you this way. I suspect that your early, inappropriate sexual encounters with other males (probably with someone older than you, right?) sexualized you toward men. I'm not blaming you. I'm saying that it was a product of inappropriate conduct (molestation, really) directed at you when you were young.

      I think it's possible to re-orient yourself through therapy, and barring that, to remain chaste.

      Wael Editor

  31. Salaam, I really need help.

    (Sal, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll try to advise you Insha'Allah. There will be a wait of a month or so as your post goes in the queue. - Editor)

  32. Salaam, I really need help.
    I hav a brother who is 22 years old. He's had alot to deal with in life. First the loss of our father who passed away to cancer 6 years ago, then the loss of another brother. My brother has been drinking on and off for the last few years but recently started to get very drunk. About two days ago he was really drunk and started to say all these things which didn't make sence. It looked like he was going through a depression and kept going on about killing himself.
    The following day he broke down in tears and opened up to him might being gay. He's not been in a proper relationship with a girl and is worried there might be something wrong with him. He wants to change how he is feeling and has come to me for help. I've been looking on the net for Islamic counselling but had no luck. Please can someone give me some help and advice jzk

    • Hi Sal,

      When I first started to come to terms with being Gay I began to drink and used to use it as a method of escape. At that point in my life I was severely depressed and was then put on to anti-depressants.

      Realising that your Gay is very difficult, the guilt, the self- hatred, the bitterness, the confusion- it all drives you mental.

      To some extent you have to accept that you are who you are. Once you have accepted that you have to come to terms with how you want to go forward- accept it, surpress your feelings...depends on individual.

      I can't say even now that I have found the solution- but to an extent I am the way I am...

      At the moment though through this tough situation- be there for him. Explain to him that whatever he is you love him and you will stand by him which ever route he choses. Suicide is the easiest option where he is now so please help him.

      • Thank you for the advice. my brother (Ibrahim) also opened up to my older brother about his feelings. He knows he has our support and are trying to get him some help. He mentioned that a few of his work colleges are gay and is wondering if this has any influence? He also wants us to find him a female friend that he can get to know and eventually marry.

        I asked him how he was today and said he was better but I'm sure there is more inside him.
        All this has made me realise how difficult it is for a Muslim person who is in stress to get help. But help is out there

    • sal, please have a look at the websites above, i had posted them before. joseph nicolosi is a very trained experience counceller . i think he gives councelling sessions over phone as well. he understands religious perspectives as well. i suggest seek a trained counceller rather than just an islamic one. this is a very sensitive issue to deal with.

      • Thank you for your help but I would prefer it if he saw someone who is Muslim. just because my brother is well aware that this is wrong and wants to change so if he gets someone who is non Muslim they might tell him there's nothing wrong about it.

  33. Salaam Ali,

    Although you may probably not get this since the last comment was last year or at-least 6 months back, I will still leave my comments and my feedback.

    So my name is Zakaria, Born Muslim from Canada, Ontario, and I can completely relate to you. When I say relate, I mean almost 99%. I same have been in a abusive childhood, from grade 1 until grade 8, I could never forget the abuse I obtained from my father and my bullies, I have always been a good kid, never in trouble with the law and going to a public school then being switched to an Islamic school was difficult. I didn't know how to re-act with others kids who were taught not to play hide and seek with girls or tag them, and read Qur’an everyday. I got bullied everyday of my life and it stopped last year, My father was never my biggest fan, and he abused all of us in my family and i always blamed by mother, as i got older i noticed she couldn't do anything, being a very humble woman, in Islam the husband is the leader, and he often threatened to beat her as well, As time flew by and grades were passed, I noticed getting suspended on a daily basis and expelled as well, bringing a pocket knife to school and trying to hurt others and myself after because i couldn't take it. As i was in the Islamic school i learned it the hard way to fight for my life, getting suspended was my occupation and being scared was my daylight, couldn't sleep, eat, cry, i was anorexic, teeth falling out, easily bleeding, bruises everywhere and a lot of miserable things. years passed and my mother divorced my father, it was he biggest relief of my life, things started being okay but i never really had a father to raise me and be a man, i was always sensitive, scared, weak, all my friends today call me romeo, and it seemed to work until my father came back to the house for the second time, and it continued from there, i can't do math, science or history because my father abused me to understand those at early levels and I’m terrified of boards, math and so on. after a while i noticed things weren't right internally, my brain heart and so on, i gave up Islam and Allah, i gave up on my mother family and everything else, turned to haraam and pornography, and i had this neighbour, a teenage girl, in high school or college at the time, and as neighbours we talked and her mother and family talked to mine when the planted the garden and so on, as Muslims you learn that neighbours are important, you treat them with up-most respect, i cannot comment on the exact way it was told but one day she took me fishing in a little beach and she took her bike, i rode on the same bike, on her back and grabbed her sexually and she laughed and said “no” as we kept going i did the same and she eventually told me i would get her in trouble but to keep my mouth shut, after a while, we were fishing and she took me out a couple times after, as time went by she didn’t care anymore an wouldn't mind me pleasing my young mind and at the time i had not reached puberty, but i thought it was normal and before i make a novel, after some time my parents got divorced again, relief for the second time and years later i got older and started high school but my family hasn’t spoken to my father. High school came, girlfriends and stress and everything that continued for years building up and the people i hanged around with introduced me to the wrong people and me trying to fit in i did what they did, pants down and being hard body, and eventually started being sexual with girls, talking first and hanging out, and small stuff and i got hooked on to the wrong girl, 3 years older than me and she liked me emotionally and i never been in that position just was fascinated in her body, one night during Ramadan/tarweeh prayer while working for a masjid she called me to a park and we sat and i was nervous and not looking at her and just talked a little, she often said “your the guy, make a move” and on that night she couldn’t wait, grabbed me and kissed me and she just continued, as it got romantic she seduced me and i lost my virginity on of the holy nights of the entire Muslim calender. And after it happens i broke down, really bad, cried, i knew i was wrong i did something wrong and i was scared that i has picked up something and eventually i thought it was okay, because i became to restless and didn’t want to feel like a “*******”, started hanging with the same group again,and it happens 3 or 4 times more at her house, and she just seduced me continuously and one night we didn’t use protection and you know what happens, next, being scared i never told her what i had done inside of her. And i told her 2 weeks later with the advice from some guys who set me up with her, and she got scared, yelled and went to the clinic, after that happens it all came down, i had a break down at school the year we came back and it was grade 11, i knew this would come because i have been feeling all these different things in my brain and mind and heart as i mentioned, i tried to kill myself and my social worker from school rushed me to a children hospital, the first time i went in i got admitted to the crisis centre and there was a entire unit dedicated to teens with mental health issues, and i was there for three months, before that my mother got married to my step father and as i was in hospital there was absolutely no religion. No family, i kicked them all way, couldn’t talk, sad, self harm, cutting myself, goth and rock music and everything negative and evil and i eventually lead to trying to killing myself on numerous occasion, hanging out with other people like me, suicidal, smoking, weed, Ecstasy and other drugs, and i couldn’t communicate with anyone but the friends from hospitals. I got discharged, two weeks later i went back in and got transferred to a long term care, Le royal mental health, and i was there for four months, and i continued taking medications after medication and my sexual orientation changed to straight, to confused, to bi sexual and back to straight, confused, bi and straight. And eventually things got worse and i tried going to the mosque sometimes and it didn’t help, i would pretend to pray in-front of people and i just kept thinking, i;m going to hell, Allah hates me and there’s no point, and it was just extremely difficult. And at times i just couldn’t live, and the suicide was the only way out. Things got better for grade 12 and slowly religion got in there, but it wasn't easy, one foot in one foot out. Sexual relation ships active, and not being able to communicate well with other other then the from hospital. And a lot of the girls from there had sexual interest in me and emotionally, i did as well and it continues until today. I try and change i got good, all my prayers and so on, fearing Allah for two days or so and then i fall right back to my face, i have an issue with pornography and girls and sexual relationships and pleasing oneself sexually, i keep finding myself losing to the shaytaan and not being able to stay strong to Allah and myself. A lot of times i think its hopeless for me and that I’m going to hell so why try, i;m a very strong community image for my area when it comes to the city and the masjid and its hard because i feel like a lying shaytaan and honestly i feel good when i work with the masjid, been there 8 years, never missed a day. Its tough and someday i have noon to turn to. Can't turn to family and who will you share this kind of embarrassment and shame too, no one Muslim because people will be disgusted with you. So i only share it with my doctors and social workers, and today you brothers and sisters, when i try and commit to the deen, i do really good. Pray my five prayers, and stay strong but then i fall on my back, and even when I’m not being a good Muslim, not praying and just begin westernized. I still do good things, remove shopping carts from busy roads, give people rides, put salt on my neighbours property when i put salt on my drive way to remove ice, i work every Friday at the masjid, treat all the old people with respect, and small things that i learned will eventually take you to Janna one day. Picking up dangerous things, cleaning the masjid, helping someone cross the road, carrying grocery’s for old people and things like that, but those things feel like nothing to me, because i learned those like my A'B'CS. And to a lot of friends its embarrassing to help the older people and talk your language in the middle of a shopping centre to tell them where to find mile or coffee. I'm trying to find Allah, and i hate myself a lot. Not pleased with my body, the way i look and a lot of insecurity and all the mistakes I’ve made. I always made shahadah and then try to be a good Muslim and fail then do the same thing again. And i feel like Allah doesn't care about my shahadah because I’ve lied so many times. Its tough for me and i know its tough for you but we can one day take each other through these life and make our way to jannah, today before posting this, i committed haraam and when waking up tomorrow to work for my masjid, i take shahadah and promise to change, but i know i will fall but i can't stay on my back, with us helping each other we can make progress ya Ali. sorry for it being so long, jazakalah. Salamtak brothers and sisters.

    • Salam Alikum w Rahmatu Allah w Barakatu
      Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon you brother zakaria
      How are you doing?

      I wish I saw your message a bit earlier .. I am very sorry for that

      In your message you kept saying there's no hope, I am going to hell, Allah probably hates me....
      If this is what you think Zakaria, let me tell you're TOTALLY WRONG!!
      Allah knows best, but I do believe that Allah SWT LOVES you Zakaria .. Do you wanna a proof?!

      Let me give a proof from Quran, the words of Allah Himself,
      Allah says:
      { Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." } (Quran 39:53)

      Did you read the verse Zakaria?! Read it again, read it very carefully ... and FEEL the MERCY of Allah SWT 🙂

      Do you want more proofs?! How about Hadith,

      Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) said:
      I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) saying, "Allah, the Exalted, has said: 'O son of Adam! I shall go on forgiving you so long as you pray to Me and aspire for My forgiveness whatever may be your sins. O son of Adam! I do not care even if your sins should pile up to the sky and should you beg pardon of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam! If you come to Me with an earth full of sins and meet Me, not associating anything with Me in worship, I will certainly grant you as much pardon as will fill the earth."'

      Do you know Zakaria what Allah really dislike? It is that someone despair the Mercy of Allah .. so DO NOT despair Allah's Mercy Zakaria .. never ever .. because if you did, it means that shitan has won the most important round in his battle with you .. so don't let him win, he's a loser, don't let him win Zakaria brother.

      You know brother Zakaria Allah says (and that's in Hadith as well):
      " He who comes with goodness, there are in store for him ten like those and even more than those: 'And he who comes with vice, ' it is only for that that he is called to account. I even forgive him (as I like) and he who draws close to Me by the span of a palm I draw close to him by the cubit, and he who draws close to Me by the cubit I draw close to him by the space (covered) by two hands, and he who walks towards Me I rush towards him, and he who meets Me in the state that his sins fill the earth, but not associating anything with Me, I would meet Him with the same (vastness) of pardon (on My behalf)."

      It's one step, one step from your side and Allah May open a whole path of guidance in front you. I believe this already happened, may be a prayer you did, a sincere tear dropped of your eyes out of the fear of Allah, a good deed you did it with Ikhlas helping others a sincere desire to get bacl to Allah ..... Allah knows
      The fact that you wrote this message and Allah made people to share with you and offer help as possible, this is Allah taking you for his guidance 🙂

      Allah is opening the door for YOU .. YOU Zakaria .. all you have to do is to step in 🙂

      So what to do ?!

      Start with Repentance Bro, for everything, repentance starts by showing regrets, stop doing the sin, and having a sincere intention not to do it again.

      Now you may tell me that you tried this but you fall again .... I'll tell you again and again and again no matter what "DO NOT DESPAIR THE MERCY OF ALLAH"

      As long as you Repent, Allah will Forgive Insha Allah
      This is NOT an excuse to do sin, but the point here bro is :
      - Be SINCERE about your Tawbah = Repntance
      - Do your VERY VERY best not to do it again
      - If it's still hard for you, there's a secret weapon that is VERY POWERFUL, yet not everyone use, which is DUAA = Supplication, but for this weapon to be EFFECTIVE you have to BELIEVE in it

      Make lots of Duaa Zakaria, talk to Allah, tell Him whatever in your heart, ask him Oh Allah PLEASE help me to stop this sin.. Allah I don't wanna go astray please help .. please help to live as a good Muslim .. Allah I WANT YOU ..........................

      - but in spite of all if this , if it happened, if a sin was committed, REPENT again and START OVER (use the most beautiful thing in Islam .. there's always a second chance, there's always hope, repent and start over)

      Start bro and start NOW!

      There's a very important thing you still have to do. If you are really sincere about all of this, I REALLY advise you to do this .. LEAVE the BAD Sohba (bad friends) because if you kept hanging with bad people unfortunately it will be HARD for you to get back to the straight path, think about it bro, doesn't it make sense?!

      and try to Find GOOD friends Zakaria (Sohba Saleha) may be from Masjid or whatever it is .. this would be VERY HELPFUL .. If you can't find them (personally) try to find good friends Online .. just find them.

      Replace the good with the bad and if you want do it step by step, if you spend one day with good and 6 days with bad, after 2 weeks make it 2 days with good and 5 days with be ... and so on.

      Being surrounded with good friends ALWAYS encourages you to do good deeds rather than bad deeds.

      and if you'd like bro we can start together (online) but not as friends, as a brother and sister in Islam only for the Sake of Allah SWT till the time we meet him in the day of judgement in paradise insha Allah 🙂 and of course I can introduce you some good brothers as well which will be even more helpful Insha Allah

      Hope to hear from you brother

      Salam Alikum


  34. Oh dear my brothers and sisters, Assalamu'alaikum

    I write this comment by dropping my tears, I have the same attraction with same gender too, I always struggle not to do anything related or triggering to it, but lately I feel despair and starting to watch pictures (g*y p**n) at internet (maybe it is my first time to consciously watch it). And it makes me jump into this page because I know that it's wrong and of course I don't want to throw my self into hell.

    Dear brothers and sisters, every comment here makes me realize, that there are still a lot of kind-hearted people who support us trying to overcome it, thank you for your respects my brothers and sisters. And especially to my brother. Ali, thank you, you're great, I know it's hard to tell someone around you about the condition because up till now, maybe nobody knows that I have an "unusual" sexual attraction, I always keep it secret and never have any intention to share it, because I'm afraid if I tell it to someone around me, then they will never want to interact with me at all... I'll bury it deeply inside my heart....

    Dear brothers and sisters, I also really need your du'a to be able to control my lust and not to act which is prohibited in Islam....

    Jazakumullah khairan katsiran


  35. As Salamu Alaykum. I have been reading and trying to find a way out of my situation by googling stuff, reading and asking questions to myself and so I came across this site. This entire post is such a Hope for me. That there is somebody out there who knows how it feals, who knows the weight I carry, who knows the pain, the hurt, the cries, the screams, the silences.. who knows how it feels to stand before Allah day and night and asking for help.. to secretly say “ameen” to the dua’s made in the mosque.. to hope that one day, that day, when Allah will be right in front, HE will forgive and HE will understand what I was going through. Being homosexual and being a Muslim is tough – so very tough. And the only thing that can heal me is meeting Allah subhan wa ta’ala, hearing HIM say me that it is over, my struggle is finished and I’m not relieved.

    I don’t even remember what was my age when I was sexually abused by a guy. He was finishing up before I could realize what was he doing down there, flashbacks are what I have got now. He took away the control of myself, my situation and the body that I own. “This will feel so good” sounded nice to those little ears. “This is normal, do not panic” – yeah but I was not being protected, I was being abused. He broke me and my 23 years of silence is now breaking. Even though his hands are not physically there any more, they are still there! So em I stained? Know that I did not ask for it. Now you judge me? Okay, you believe me? Ahaan, I’m less of a man right? So you have questions, about my sexuality? You still want to ask me if I was ‘Sodomized’?

    I kept this to myself since years and now I really feel like what most of us call it “coming out”. All this is because I feel I have seen that person street side nearby my home last week and everything, every inch of that incident in my life came before my eyes. I tried stopping by however was not able to chase him. If I ever get a chance to speak to him, the only thing I would ask him for is to give me my child hood. Back to me – in these very hands that I kept digging in concrete since years trying to find out what’s wrong with me! And I returned empty handed. I want to look into his eyes. The same very eyes that filled fear in me.

    It’s cold. Too cold, sometimes. I mostly feel like crying my heart out, screaming at the top of my lungs or simply giving a hug.

    Sharing it here because hopefully I’ll find out I’m not alone and I’m not an alien in this world of amusements. And I’m not diseased, neither I will pass on this ‘infection’. Remember that I stand next to you in your prayers, my silent “ameens” joins the echo of your ameens too, there are many like me than you may think. And when you are reading this, I might be screaming inside four walls of a room but silently so that my voice could not be heard. O Allah subhan! Heal me!!!

    Hats off to Ali and all other brothers and sisters who are going through this struggle. Please remember me in your prayers.

    • As-salamu alaykum brother. What happened to you was not your fault. You carry no sin from that, and you are not less of a man, nor does it make you homosexual. It is a crime that was done to you. However, it does not have to define you forever. You can recover and lead a normal life. You need to find a professional counselor or therapist who you can speak to confidentially and regularly, to help you deal psychologically with the trauma. Also, if you live in a country with a legal system that takes sexual abuse seriously, you might consider naming that man to the police and filing charges. May Allah comfort you and ease your heart.

      Wael Editor

  36. As salamu alaykum ,brothers and sisters,

    I am 14 and bi and don't know what to do with myself, I realised I was attracted to both genders and never knew what it was like to be attracted to men also, I don t read as much namaaz as I am supposed to and insha allah will start reading them all but I keep thinking that allah has put me in a situation or test that i will have to put up with and will have to make the right decisions,I have never had sex or had girlfriend boyfriend etc.. But I am struggling with a situation which is bugging me,I don't know how to escape this attraction to men and am willing to do what ever it takes to make sure in am not committing any sins or going against allah (swt) but i can't get rid of this attraction to men ,whereas I would prefer to be attracted to just women but bieng bi is haunting me inside and I don't know how to stop and because I don't know how to stop,I can't stop this constant thing inside my mind that I am bi and I'm bieng okay with it,I sometimes think it is a test from allah (swt) but I don't know which path to take and how to become normal .I haven't considered commiting suicide because I know that my situation is not as severe as others and I hope the best for them for the future and to do what's right insha allah,by commenting on this discussion I though that maybe they are some people with the same situation as me .I didn't want to tell my family or friends because I wouldn't be able to face them and face the punishment because I am scared of the consequences ,I wouldn't want to hurt my family and friends so I found this dicsussion,all I need is patience,hope,support and guidance and insha allah I will get though this !! S.j.k ,u.k

  37. As salamu alaykum,

    I read your story and I was really touched. I am sorry you had to go through all that. And I know I saw it too late. I mean its been four years now but I wish I had the chance to someday get to know you. I pray that things get better for you and that you stay strong.

  38. I'm sorry, but you were born gay. You did not become gay because of abuse, although the abuse might have happened.

    The abuse had only one effect on you: it made you feel afraid and made you isolate yourself, it DID NOT turn you gay.

    A straight man will NEVER be able to turn gay because he is unable to feel attraction for men. No matter how much abuse he suffers he will always like women.
    If anything, an abuse makes people get away from all kinds of sexual contact, it doesn't make them search for it.

    I'm sorry for what you went through but I've got news for you: You either accept that you're gay, or you'll be depressed and lonely forever.

    Homosexuality is not an illness. It's a normal expression of affection. I had a gay friend once who was in love with another man. It wasn't just sex, it was love, I saw it in his eyes and the way he spoke.

    Of course, it's haram to pursue sexual contact with another man, I know that. If I'm not mistaken, the quran says that men who cannot marry women should pray to stay pure and get rid of sexual desires. My advice is to accept who you are, accept yourself the way Allah made you. If you can't marry women, so be it. Just don't keep trying to change your nature because that will only hurt yourself even further.

    • Nadira, what you say is not correct. Perhaps a straight MAN cannot become gay, as you say. But a child's mind and body are not yet sexualized. Homosexual contact at a young age can begin a process of mental and emotional sexualization toward the same sex. In other words, yes, it can make someone gay. It's well known that a high percentage of homosexual men were molested as children. You would think, as you said, that it would drive them away from such behavior, but instead such behavior becomes repeating.

      There's nothing wrong with one man loving another. In fact we are supposed to love our brothers in Islam, and there's nothing "gay" about that. But when it comes to sexual contact between men it is indeed wrong. Allah, who created us and knows our natures, has told us that it is wrong and unnatural.

      Don't get so brainwashed by the West that you start buying their propaganda about what's right and wrong. They do not know better than Allah. Who do you put your faith in - Lady Gaga singing, "I was born this way," or Allah the Most High?

      See what happened to the societies of the past that became corrupt and defied Allah. They did not end well.

      Wael Editor

  39. Bismillah.

    Salaam'aleykum. I pray this message reaches you all in a state of wellbeing and the best of states. First and foremost, can I just say this forum is the most useful one I've ever come across and the advice I've read off here has been incredibly on point, direct and melted my heart. Its amazing to see such cohesion between brothers and sisters all over the States in regards to tackling this issue which isn't addressed enough. I would be really grateful if you could take the time out to hear my story. Im typing this all off a Samsung S3 so apologies for my mistakes in grammar or spelling.

    Im a 19 year old aspiring Dental Therapist who's just finished college, born in Manchester (United Kingdom), of Pakistani origin and have suffered homosexual feelings since at least 7 years of age or so I believe. I'm currently on a much needed gap year break, studying Arabic in Tarim, the spiritual capital of Hadramaut, Yemen. I plan to stay here for a year. I'm in the company of blessed scholar Habib Umar bin Hafiz - one of the most intellectual, humble and spiritual scholars of our time, who's a descendant of our beloved Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). I came to Tarim for a 6 week Islamic Summer Intensive course called The Dowra two months ago and have since stayed on. I came to Tarim to purify my heart, melt my desires in its furnace like heat and spiritually heal myself. Im trying to attain cleansing my dead heart from the spiritual diseases which its been darkened with.

    I left the UK on a hot Summer day, the 22.06.2014 to be precise. I vividly remember the date only cause I left behind a broken family, a lifetime of sin and an ugly past. My brother had just discovered his wife had been having an affair and my family were being accused falsely of imprisoning her; had relatives turn on us and my fathers second hard earnt home was in jeopardy as she was trying to claim it - all sorts of other issues were happening and she had caused a huge feud which deeply distressed my whole family that day.

    I left crying that day and as the plane ascended into the sky, I made firm intention that I would make my family proud and make this the turning point in my life.

    My Past:
    A year after discovering these feelings at the tender age of 16, I engaged in my first act of Zina'a. It was minor and I gave into my desires due to my weak faith and severe depression. It was horrible. I remember coming home and being physically sick the minute I got in. I'd try taking cold showers, avoiding meats which would trigger the desire but it just led to my health becoming frail. Most of the time my family would find through messages in my phone and would be so upset. I got pulled out of my first year in college as I was constantly messing around and not focusing on my studies. I guess the reason I was rebelling was because I felt trapped alive - my family were always keeping an eye on me, banning me from using my phone but I knew deep down they only did it because they cared. I completely lost the right to my education, going out of the house and socializing due to their fear of me sinning.

     I tried dating numerous girls which resulted in a tragic fail every time. I tried so hard to find them attractive, to take an interest, even to try and make some physical contact with them in moments of desperation but it never worked. I found it pointless and realised that committing sin with a girl wasn't going to help me resolve my situation so I stopped. I have emotional attraction to girls but the physical side is dead. It might help to add that I do have strong love for children. I feel if I got married, that my love for my child would anchor me down to a life of righteousness for my child's sake but then I palpitate about the sexual/physical aspects of marriage. I always panic about the first night my wife would try to approach me, how I wouldn't know how react; the fear of feeling nothing and how one day I'll hurt her because she'll start to think I probably don't love her or feel attracted to her. I couldn't bear to hurt someone like this.

    One day I sat down with my sister after a massive feud and we spent two whole hrs in my bedroom discussing everything - the boundaries I had crossed, the bad company I had possessed and we tried to come to a solution. I felt relieved and at ease having these long meaningful talks with her. My gratitude started to gradually increase due the fact she would sit there and stomach the scary words she didn't want to hear that were escaping my mouth. I let everything out. We sat there, tears in both of our eyes, she would hug me, try to comfort me and I could see the pain in her eyes knowing she only cared about me. She would give me the love and advice I felt I had never had in my life before.

     That day onwards, I started to sort myself out. I'd make effort to pray salaah, attend The Shimmering Light Mawlids weekly, I'd recite my wirds for protection, I was even blessed to have sat Itikaaf for two consecutive years prior to arriving in Tarim but it never used to last. The Mawlid attendance would gradually decrease, the chances of me entering the mosque again would be slim and the shaytaan was constantly overpowering me. I was always craving intimacy again and it was through turning to the bad company I tried to fulfill this intimacy and attention which is where I went wrong.

    On the surface, things seemed so beautiful. I am called by my sisters to be their "baby brother" whom they love so much. My mother and father love me. My community perceive me as an innocent, "pious" young man with big aspirations for a career in Dentistry.  I love my family a lot too but sometimes I don't really think they fully understand the daily battles I'm enduring. I can never bring myself to talk of these issues due to the immense amount of guilt and shame. My eldest sister had emphasized if I ever needed to talk about anything that was on my mind that I should come to her house immediately (which is two doors away from mine) and talk to her but I always feel I am intruding and interfering with the little precious amount of time she gets to spend with her son and husband. My family is broken. Everyone has their own individual problems, so whenever I'd go to her house, she'd seem stressed due to her own financial problems, the concern for the health of her premature baby and general family problems she's trying to sort out for the sake of us younger siblings. I'd be put off to approach her because I was afraid of stressing her out even more.

    Every single night I'd silently cry myself to sleep and not a night would pass where I wouldn't think of the punishment that would await me should I not awake the next morning and due to my doubts of my repentance not being accepted. I'd gaze at my ceiling wall into the early hours of the morning, that same empty feeling in my heart and occasionally I'd suffer from the worst panic attacks.

    In moments of naivety, I told certain people whom I trusted about my issue - 3 in total. One friendship out of three ended harshly which led to that person exposing me to a few of my college friends for revenge. Luckily everyone laughed it off, as they perceived me as innocent however some decided to believe it.

     I got so depressed at one point that I decided to drink alcohol on four occasions after college. I'd go to a secluded place in the cold Winter nights when it was dark to avoid anyone seeing me and tried drinking. I never got entirely intoxicated as I always felt disgusted after consuming it and would never finish it off. I immediately stopped after discovering my prayers wouldn't be accepted for 40 days or so when one consumes alcohol. The guilt would build constantly. I stopped my swimming, football and other beneficial sports which were keeping me busy and my health weakened. I lost weight rapidly.

     And all of this just scratched the surface. I felt sick of life. How depressing was my life. I had hardly anyone I could call friends … that I should turn to, to discuss my most painful memories. My anger and resentment knows no bounds. I'm always moody and my mind is in a state of regular conflict. I feel like my confidence has been knocked and the intelligence that Allah once blessed me with is fading by the day. All these painful events that have occurred in my life have resulted in me becoming extremely pessimistic and negative - something I really want to stop being.

     I regrettably tried to kill myself once. The suicide attempt was physically and mentally exhausting. I vividly remember on the night of 3rd November 2012, I took well over an array of 35 pills. In a moment of stupidity I downed the pills, before running of to some deserted parking lot where I hoped the pills could put me in a coma, so I wouldn't have to wake up every morning and face the disappointment my life brings. I desired to seek some sort of sanctuary by staying asleep. Instead I spent 6hrs vomiting on a hospital bed. I was kept in the psych ward for a few days at The Royal Oldham Hospital before they would let me go. I caused my family so much distress and heart ache. They tried visiting me and I'd refuse to see them. It broke my heart to see my father crying in the middle of a hospital corridor, telling me to come home but I couldn't face him due to the shame. I spoke to useless psychiatrist/counselors who were of no benefit. Social services constantly got involved and would pester me all the time to attend counselling - to see the type of people who would tell me there's nothing wrong with me and I was born like this. I never agreed with them. I just wanted to be free. It took me 2 years to get to a point where I could muster the courage to off myself the first time. I could have nearly lost my life and that would be the biggest grievance as I'd be taking a one way ticket to Jahannam.

     I didn't want a violent end. I didn't want a painful end. I just wanted to be numb. And this society won't let me have a peaceful end because I can't just go to the doctor and ask for a prescription that would sweetly ease me into nonexistence. I dont like sinning. The enormity of my sin, the repulsive nature of it and the unnaturalness - I despise it. The pleasure fades yet the sin always remains. Im always coming back to Islam and I know that my soul is yearning for that spiritual nourishment its so deeply deprived off. Sometimes I have good days and life is great. Generally, myself and my siblings all have good relationships with each other ever since Allah granted us the barakah of having children present in the family home. When I'm occupied at work, busy with studies and I see my mother and father being content with me, it gives my heart the energy to strive and worship. Since I've arrived in Tarim, I've been that serious to change my life that I've deleted my Facebook, my Instagram and completely lost contact with the bad company.

    Since spending time in Yemen, I've really felt alot better. Tarim is such a Prophetic valley. Everything and everyone is beautiful here. They adorn themselves with the best character, humble manners and generosity. The blessings and ibadah are immense here.

    However this past week I started to feel weak. I was missing family and felt lonely. Astagfirullah, may Allah forgive me but I started to see if I could access porn sites which alhamdulillah didnt work as the Yemeni government blocked all pornongraphic material on my mobile network. I felt down. My new roomate was a major test on me as I've started feeling stuff for him. So I literally couldn't endure the pressure. I went for a long walk after Asr salaah. I climbed a sandy mountain overlooking Tarims beautiful sandy mountainous terrain. It was so peaceful. I cried again. Let it all out. I asked Allah for strength. To help me. To ease my hardships and for someone to talk to. And to help me understand the sinning is so wrong no matter how tempting it is to let my feelings run wild. And alhamdulillah I found this amazing wesbite. The quote from The Prophet pbuh about dieing as a Martyr inspired so much hope within me and instilled some more Sabr within me. So JazakAllahu khairan. I'm sorry if it was abit long but please can you post this on the site. I'd love for Ali (the boy who started this forum) and everyone else to read it to let you guys know, I'm going through the exact same thing.

    And insha'Allah one day, we can all gather in the Next Life. And the moment we take that step into Jannah, we'll forget all about the pain we endured in this life. We can sit with the Rasool (pbuh) around the rivers of Paradise, laughing, listening to his beautiful stories and being in his beautiful company. We can gaze upon the beauty of our Lord and it will be worth it.

    We just need to endure patiently with a beautiful patience.

    I love you all for the sake of Allah and thank you for creating this forum. Please keep me in your duaas.

  40. Assalamaulaikum warehmatullah e wabarakatuhu...

    • Wa alaykum as-salam. I have published your question as a separate post. Please avoid using your real name or identifying information.

      Wael Editor

      • can you give me the link to the published question i want to answer back since my brother has a similair problem like that of muhummad thanks

  41. Slaam, I am currently 16. gay, I am severely depressed, anxiaty, but still keep my faith in Allah swt. I knw my intentions are pure, thats all that matters!
    Alhamdu Lillah, i have been blessed with the most amazing, kindest, friends ,,,, I pray 5 times, and am still improving in my religious life, although my life might be tough and streneous, and i break down easily, im not giving up hope,,, I feel Allah swt (the most benafacial, the most merciful) has blessed me in many ways....

    In sha Allah, this life is just a short, mere test, dont give up:
    $$$$ Good things come to those who have faith
    great things come to those who have patience
    the best things come to those who dont give up

    If you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, please feel free to email me 🙂 🙂

    • We do not allow the exchange of private contact info. Please do not write your email address in the URL (website) field when submitting a comment.

      Wael Editor

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