I feel lost, hurt, desperate, empty; heartbroken in Dubai. How do I convince her?
Hi,
I am currently still a Christian man; 12 months ago I met and fell in love with a beautiful Jordanian girl (never married and still a virgin). She is very modern in her outlook but a strong believer in Islam and I always respected that. We started off as friends, and after several months it became clear to both of us we were falling in love. She tried to end it knowing it was haraam but we always came back to each other (we respected Islam and never had sex), although we did do some haraam things, it always left her feeling guilty. About two and a half months ago we had a long and open discussion about our future, I knew I was madly in love with her, loved being in her company and out of respect for Islam never smoked or drank alcohol when I was with her.
Basically she asked me to convert to Islam and get enagaged with a view to getting married. At first I was very scared about it all and then agreed whilst still having my doubts, a few days later I told her of my doubts and again we seperated, but kept in touch, we missed each other terribly. She had annual leave coming and had wanted me to convert prior to this and go to Jordan to visit her parents where I could ask for her hand in marriage. I am sorry to say I was scared and backed out but with the promise that when she returned from her vacation I would have exorcised all my doubts and fears. She returned several weeks ago, but as I was away on business I could not get to see her to tell her that I was finally ready and WANTED to convert and give up smoking and alcohol, it took a week or so before we finally got to meet, she was very reticent about meeting me and I found why out afterwards.
We met for dinner and she looked so beautiful, after dinner we stood outside and I told her I WAS READY and WANTED to do it and moreover WANTED to marry her. I asked her if she would help me with the process of conversion and she said yes. She drove me back to my car and we sat and talked, held hands and had one kiss, it was like the last 8 weeks never happened. I asked her if her heart leapt like mine did when we kissed and she said it did, she couldn't believe how much, I asked what that told her and she replied, 'I love you Kevin, a lot'. I returned home so happy and so excited, I was finally going to marry the woman of my dreams, who I love more than life and respected even more.
Then she killed me:(
She sent me an sms saying that someone had already proposed, someone she met 12 months ago, they met twice or so and had coffee and then never again. Till the second week of Ramadan; she said at first that she didn't have any feelings for him and she was not attracted to him but as he was a Brit converted to Islam 11 years ago he was socially acceptable. But now she is saying she does but I know she is saying that to make me think that she wants this man like she wants me. I begged her to marry me, I told her of all my dreams for our future, raising a family, she had told me many times in the past that out relationship was 'scary'. She was scared of being in love as she felt it made her weak (she is far from weak she is an amazing woman!), and she told me she still loved me but she had decided to accept this man's proposal, despite only really knowing him for a few weeks.
I know this womans heart and mind, she hated and loved it that I seemed to be able to tell what she was thinking so many times. I know her heart is crying out to her to marry me, but she is scared of being hurt by me, thinking that I may regret changing my religion and becoming tee-total etc but I know I could never feel that way. I feel she is marrying him as he does not want to be alone anymore and as a 35 year old feels time is running out for her have a family. She actually said when I asked what if you never love him, then she replied 'well at least I will have a family but be miserable'.
I know with all my being that this beautiful but incredibly stubborn woman is in love with me still, but I am heart-broken. I wanted a life with her, marriage and family but she is running away from being in love - what can I do? How can I prove to her that I can and want all of it? Friends have said wait and see she may realise her mistake, but it's killing me slowly every day.
Heartbroken in Dubai.
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kevin
Reading this i think ur just converting for sake of marriage that it
And i guess this lady also thinks the sameway that y she is not willing to marry u
I dont knw whats is in your heart regarding accepting islam
But in situation like such only time will tell
And excuse me over her ?
Have u accepted islam or ur waiting till she comes up and tell u to do so
If u want to accept islam accept for the love of islam not bcoz of the love of some girl
Ur problem might be that ur r commited to marry her and have a family an so on
But u r not truly commited to accept islam from heart
Dear Heartbroken,
Toward the end of your post you say, "she is scared of being hurt by me, thinking that I may regret changing my religion and becoming tee-total etc..."
Have you changed your religion? Have you given up drinking and smoking?
If not, then maybe this young woman sees that your heart is not in it. You kept making these promises of conversion in order not to lose her, but you have not actually followed through.
A Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man. It is simply not allowed. So she has made a choice that is sensible and consistent with her faith, by choosing a man who converted to Islam years ago and is sincere in his faith.
You had your chance. She asked you to convert, come to Jordan and ask for her hand in marriage properly, as a Muslim should. You were unwilling to do so. That's your right of course, you should not change your religion unless your heart is in it and you really believe it. But it's also her right to decide to move on with her life.
It's time to recognize that a marriage between you and her is not going to happen. The window of opportunity has passed. If your interest in Islam is sincere, you will pursue it nonetheless. If not, that's up to you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Now it will be proven whether you are converting for her (ie for ur love to her) or you are willing to convert just for d sake of Allah and because u realise islam is d true religion that will lead u to God. . . . . Now it will proven whether u will regret for becoming a tee-total and for reverting or u will not. Coz it is when u believe in islam as d true religion of God, thats when u will even be happy for leaving ur past life.. But if u convert for d love of her, sooner or latter u will be disgust with d ethic and d code of d religion coz u dont beleive in d religion by d way, and u will rue over leaving ur past and thus making ur marriage with her miserable. . This is all what she will be thinking and i guess she reason well... So kelvin if u want to convert for d sake of Allah and coz u feel islam is d right religion, u will do it even if she leaves u. And if it is for d love of her, i guess u ve not reasoned/think well and love is not a sufficient reason for u to abandon ur religion (if at all u feel it is d right religion that will lead u to God). . . The choice is yours.
Kevin..Heartbreak isn't easy to bear..She's already accepted someone else's proposal, DESPITE knowing how you feel..I'd say the only thing to do is to try and accept it. You seem like a nice person, am sure you'll find someone else special. Don't cry for anything or anyone that won't cry over you - just my 2 cents.
Kevin I say only three words
Just move on
kevin now if u believe it is true religion take ur shahada. Don't worry about the girl, if u r meant to be together u will be. But if not u have found the huge thing(ISLAM) Which saves u from the hell fire.
Dear PhoenixGB,
I am going through similar feelings right now and sometimes I do not even feel the strength to carry on. That is how much you can love that one special person. I am a non-Muslim either but I am comforting myself a lot reading the Quran and books. It gives me a sense of peace and hope. I shared my story as well on this site and I hope that my words will make you feel that you are not alone in all this .
My dear sister Aisha85,
That you are seeking comfort through the Quran is a beautiful thing. Our Creator, Allah Most High says in Chapter 13,Verse 28: "Truly, it is by the Remembrance of Allah that hearts find rest." And the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him, his family, and companions) called Surah Ya'seen, “The heart of the Qur’an.”
Here are some duas/prayers for you to read, they are known as the prayers of healing (shifa in Arabic):
~ "And when I am ill, it is he who cures me; Who will cause me to die, and then to live again; And who, I hope, will forgive me my sins on the day of judgment. O my Lord! Bestow wisdom on me, and join me with the righteous..." [Surah Al-Shu'ara(26), Verses 80-83]
~ "O mankind there has come to you a direction from your Lord and a healing for your hearts, and for those who believe, a guidance and a mercy."[Surah Yunus (Jonah) (10), Verse 57]
~ "We send down in the Quran that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe: to the unjust it causes nothing but loss after loss." [Surah Al-Isra (The Night Journey) or Bani Israel (Children of Israel) (17), Verse 82]
~ "Had we sent this as a Quran in a language other than Arabic, they would have said: "Why are not its verses explained in detail? What! A book not in Arabic from an Arab messenger?" Say: "It is a guide and a healing to those who believe; and for those who believe not, there is a deafness in their ears, and it is blindness in their eyes: they are being called from a place far distant!" [Surah Fussilat (41), Verse 44]
You may also find this useful: http://www.dont-be-sad-alqarni.com/
May Allah guide you to truth and light and may He(swt) replace your pain with comfort and belief in Him(swt) and acceptance of Islam, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you very much SisterZ.
I know that Allah guides whom he will and in my heart I hope to be one of them. I wrote my story on a separate post but I hope that Phoenix Gb is feeling a bit better now. I am heartbroken but my faith in Allah is now getting stronger (I am taking into consideration the idea of converting one day).
Dear PhoenixGb
my opinion is little bit different i read your story late but i don't know how much late. If she is still unmarried and ask her for some time to think and also request her for help regarding knowing Islam and ask her that you first do research about ISLAM and then i would convert. i hope it would help you because when you asked her for helping knowing ISLAM she would shurly consider your attention toward ISLAM and its my gaurentee that after knowing ISLAM you must think seriously for conversion and this thing must agree her to marry with you. As i know ISLAM, ISLAM is a message of our creature to us.
Kevin I agree with Mr. Trueblood. My comment is the same word by word. you are not sincerely accepting islam.
spend some time in activities you like example ....desert camping, barbeque, visit burj khalifa ....and you will forget her.
Ok