Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Lost… His family is rejecting me…

Assalamualaikum...brothers and sisters...

I will make my story short and straight forward..in the hopes that someone will understand my pain and be able to give me sound advice ...Insha Allah...

I'm a 39 yr old revert hispanic single mother of two young children...I met my 26 yr old Pakistani Muslim  husband two yrs ago under circumstances neither one of us had intentions of. ..we're both from Chicago....but with Allahs blessings we were blessed in more ways than we had imagined.... we were also blessed with this unfortunate dilemma. ..

It started out very innocently as he was my mechanic...our only interest was in Allah and how we can help each other grow without committing zina or sinning in other ways not pleasing to Allah...so 7mos after talking he brought it to his families attention that he wanted to marry me with their blessings. ..and they quickly denied him of his happiness. ..however he felt it was Allahs doing so we still did the Nikkah 3mos later...6mos into the marriage he still kept it a secret from his family... we saw each other most of the time... we prayed with each other all the time...we were what you would call a perfect marriage. .. and in result i felt we were sinning...because no one knew but my family. ..I have my own place..i work..attend the university and care for my little ones without his help whatsoever  ..so i wrote his mum (my mother in law) a letter of apology and respect. ..she quickly told him to divorce me in secret so that no one would find out and to never see me again. ..so they stalk him every day..just to make sure he's not with me ...3days prior to this we had found out that I was pregnant and its sad to say with all regrets that i fell ill and lost the baby due to so much stress..he never told his family...my husband had abandon me ...now being two months without seeing him.. all because his mum told him not to...therefore i dealt with the tragedy all by myself. ..he felt no remorse at least from what I've seen...he makes no effort accept that he won't divorce me...I'm hurt..lost and confused. ..I've asked him for the divorce only because he has left me in a situation that not only is it painful but I live everyday reliving the day I lost our baby all by myself and still he shows no effort ...we love each other more than words itself can explain...but when is it enough?...We talk everyday. .. he wants me to talk to his mum but I'm afraid she's only going to keep rejecting me and not only is it embarrassing but it's very hurtful......I don't want to divorce my husband because i know it's displeasing to Allah...but if his family is forcing him to stay away...it only proves to me that I am un worthy. ...and that to me is false...because i am worthy and deserving and most importantly an amazing wife who wants nothing more in life then to be with her husband in Jenna. ...Insha Allah....

Someone please help....JazakAllah...

fatima007

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2 Responses »

  1. Sister, tell your husband to put his Man Pants on and to Man Up. Either he is going to be your husband in public or he should divorce you. You might also make an effort to confirm that whatever he told you is the truth. Men lie. Make an effort to reach out to his mother and respectfully and quietly ask her if what your husband has told you is the truth. You might want to ask a close Muslim friend to sit with you if you meet in public or even if you have the conversation on the phone. If possible, if you have the conversation with his mother and/or father, record it. I strongly advise you to have the conversation with a friend present and without your husband being present. As I said, Men lie.

    You have to decide for yourself if this drama is worth having. Your husband is a full grown adult. Your are not a gold-digger or some kind of women with questionable intentions. And they are wrong to interfere in a marriage that seemed to have been working well for the two of you. However, your husband is failing to fulfill his responsibilities to you and is causing as many problems as his parents. How can his parents prevent him from seeing you. As an American living in the US, you already know that a 16 year old can find a way to sneak around and see a boyfriend or girlfriend. He is an adult and your are his wife. You do not need to be living that kind of life. There is no reason why you should not have happiness being a part of your husband's family, enjoying family activities and being accepted into the family circle. I have seen this happen often and frequently mention that "if you were a some kind of millionaire, those people would be at your house every night."

  2. Most of the Pakistani men are like what your husband is. Irresponsible, immature, manipulative & selfish! It's because usually they are mamma's boy & it's been ingrained in their brains since childhood that whatever their parents say especially mothers is always right especially when it's about their wives. You are facing the same problem here. Whatever he is doing including his mother is a huge sin of destroying a happy family unit which is against our religion. Unfortunately in our Pakistani society it's never told/discussed that Allah has given so many exclusive rights to a wife just to save a family. Your husband is being unfair & we pray that Allah bless you & do whatever is in the best interest of you & your family. I've been through a same phase & based on my experience I'm afraid to say that chances are less that he might be willing to make it work considering his mother who is brainwashing & emotionally misusing his authority over him. In Pakistani culture, marriages succeed mostly when in laws are also emotionally supportive otherwise it ends up in a divorce or separation where women are the ultimate sufferers. But don't loose your hopes & keep on praying in Tahajjud especially. Before taking any extreme decision do istikhara yourself only. Also get your Islamic rights awareness & tell your husband in a politically correct way so he might consider what a big sin he is doing. I'm sure that he wouldn't be knowing rights of his wife & children because in Pakistani society, mostly parents' rights are highlighted. Even women don't know their rights as a wife! So educating him might help you out. I suggest you to Please stop worrying about his mother & avoid stressing out yourself. She's being stubborn & merciless. You have no obligation to talk to her unless if you think that you can change her mind. There might be a lot of social pressures which you may not know. Try to understand the bigger picture, their problems & issues so you can decide better for future of your children. Read Quran, Manzil, zikr Allah, Darood & do frequent sadqa/charity while asking the best guidance from Allah. It's a tough time & you need to be very strong & connected to Allah. Just believe & remember that Allah will never ever leave you alone.

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