Lost trust in Husband after he messaged girls on facebook
Assalamu Alaikum,
My husband and I have been married just over a year. I live overseas and have applied for his immigration. He is working in another country. Last month I discovered that he had a 'secret' account on facebook that I came across by chance. I asked him about it and he swore on Allah that it wasn't his. I emailed facebook and got his password from them.
I logged in and saw that it was indeed his account. He had added people from his work on it and was messaging random girls telling them how pretty they were and how he wanted to be friends with them. He also didn't tell anyone from his work that he was married and in one message he was telling his male colleagues that some girl at his work was a 'hot bitch'. When I told him that I saw the messages at first he said that one of his friends used his account to message girls.
Then he said that we had argued and I wasn't talking to him and he was angry so he messaged those people to make me angry. He said that he knew one day I would find out about the account and he wanted to make me feel jealous. He also said that he didn't tell people at his work about his marriage because if they knew he had a wife they wouldn't give his mother the medical insurance.
I know that it's a foolish explanation and I have tried talking to him but he keeps saying that I don't trust him. I feel extremely hurt now. The fact that not only has he cheated on me, he is also lying on top of that is making me even more upset. I told him last week that I wanted a separation. I told him that I could not trust him anymore and he keeps calling me and asking me to forgive him because he did a 'foolish thing' by letting his friend use his facebook and message those girls in anger.
He has told me that he wants me to put past behind us and move on but I just can't. I keep thinking about how many other people he has not told about his marriage to. I don't feel attracted to him anymore. I don't feel like talking to him, I just feel really sad when I think about him. I don't know if I can ever truly forgive him. I know that divorce is frowned upon by Allah and he keeps reminding me of that too but I really cannot trust him anymore. Even on facebook if he changes his password I keep thinking that he could be talking to other girls. I really need advise on what to do.
-silentnation
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Salam sister, I know you must be hurt and angry right now and thus is in no position to make descision. Dont leat anger claud your judgements. Just take a deep breath, relax and think of the problem and solutions
There is/was only one problem-your husband messaging girls, but Ya Rab, so many reasons he told you. Which one is the truth? Was it him, or his friends, is he lying? You have to find the reasons, the true one
You did mention that he asked for your forgiveness and I think you should forgive him and give him a chance. I know I dont feel the hurt that you felt, but Allah says we have to have mercy on others only then He wil have mercy on us. Your marriage is being tested and I dont think divorce is the answer. I think forgivenes, compassion and love is
If its truly your husband who did that I gues that he is lonely, being there without you. Try to be closer to him as soon as you can. We have webcams and phones to connect people. Let him feel hes loved by his wife isA. And hey I think he needs to be closer to Allah as wel, what he did is sin (if he did)
Sister, marriage is a beautiful thing, Please try to solve it instead of running away 😀
Allah knows best. At time like this, when people cant be trusted, trust Allah
So should every lonely guy chat to other women and tell them how pretty they are? If you have a wife be with her not 101 other girls!
Don't listen to what ever he has to say! If he was a true person he would have never made this 'secret' fb account! You know sister is all well and good people saying give him a chance, see where it goes etc but I have been through this and as much as I have forgiving him I have never forgotten what he did to me and I try and give him another chance but what he did in the past ruins what we have in the future. Ask yourself this question sister would you be able to live with this guy remembering what he did and how do you know that his stopped doing it? And all this ' u made me angry so I did it to make you angry' is a complete utter lie!! He is a pathalogical liar and someone who swear in the name of Allah saying that it wasn't his account but then was, well I don't need to say no more what type of person he is! You two are in 2 different countries u both don't know what u 2 are getting upto! And you have all the reason not to trust him, why should you? Did he give u that chance to trust him? No he never! So sister please sit down and think, if you can forget what he has done and move on then give him another chance but if you can not then why are you going to put your self through this. Arguments will happen it happens in all relationship but he has no right to cheat on you!!
Please do what's right for you and no one else, May Allah help you through this difficult path in shaa Allah x
salam, i know u must be hurt n fuming bekoz of wht he did to u especially the lying...instead of admitting the truth after u found out...he should have been smart and told u the truth n asked forgiveness...that's what he would have done if he really regrets what he's done...but no he chose to lie to u n i understand u completely lost trust in him especially u 2 living in different countries ...must be very hard koz my hubby and i did that for over a year and it was hell....and why on earth would he ever lie about him being married in the work place if he didn't have the intention of messing about with other girls and wanted to be seen as a single guy who can have fun here n there...he's absolutely evil .
all i'm gonna say to u is that u need to take time n think n make a decision next time u meet koz wht happens over the phone n on the net while he's away is not the best solution...n i suppose u alwys end up in an argument when u talk...
maybe u'll find peace if u be the bigger person and give him a second chance to prove he's a descent respectable husband to u ....if he ever messes up again u're gonna have to forget about him koz he's not deserving u and is nothing but a liar and a cheat....give him a chance not for him,but for u ...so that u know in the future that u have done ur best to save ur marriage n maintain it...and do it for the sake of Allah as well.
wish u the best of luck.
Wa'alaikumusalam wa rahmatullah.
I agree with Mira91. Try to work it out.
I agree with mira 91 , i understand that he is lying and wrong but that doesn't mean that you have a valid reason for separation do not take decisions out of grudge .
And also do you even know that its not allowed for husband and wife to be away for more than 6 months?!! Its haram to stay intentionally away such as living in 2 different countries bla bla.
as earlier sister said that try to be more close to him he is your husband. you can speak to him on cam. be in touch with him 24/7 why all the womens think that they are suppressed by man? it can also happen the way around am not talking about you but in general. Tell me do you call him or be in touch with him as if you were with him at his home ? Ask yourself first.WHY?
Give him a second chance say to him that HE IS DOING SIN BY NOT ANNOUNCING THAT HE IS MARRIED FIRSTLY SECONDLY ASK HIM TO LEAVE THIS COQUETTISH HABIT WHICH EXIST IN HIS HEART.
and say to him that IF YOU WERE AT HIS PLACE WHAT WOULD HE DO? WILL HE NOT GET ANGRY AND BLAME YOU ? ISNT.
so he deserves second chance and forgiveness because later you should not say that you should have given him chance and regretted.
I have to say I agree with Muslim sister 100% if he is lying to you now then later on when you do get married he will do that same trust me he will not change I have seen my sister going thru the samething you have, at the end she is alone with 2 dagthers because he was a lier and a cheater. Top of all this you will never trust him again in your heart because that trust is broken right? And also look at it this way, he might change you never know but before you marry him make sure he isn't face booking anybody. I agree with Muslim sister nobody is in your shoe right now, and nobody is feeling with you are feeling so becareful insallah Allah help you get thur this and everybody else that is going thru this sister.
salam alikum sister, I no it is really hard to trust this kind of person again . but sister i dont understand how did you get his password from facebook cuz as they have said that ( Note that we can't release information about an account to anyone but the account holder ) this is the link ( http://www.facebook.com/help/hacked/friends ).
Also sister i agree with IMANE, Ur husband deserve a second chance.
Yes ,as i said earlier being in your shoes and the only decision which comes out is from grudge.
Give him a staunch warning that you swore to allah and said lie. Next time you wont forgive him. Because even the biggest sinner. doing shirk e akbar etcc repented truly.. so lets cee what he has to offer.
I am happy that MIRA 91 is in position to reply to others subhanallah and she has overcome her distress !!
well i cant find that thread where you posed that question MIRA 91 but i would like to say that you can initiate the contact with him and get serious to marry him. inshallahutaala
As much as I want her to be happy but all I'm asking is to this sister would u be able to forget what he did to you and the fact that he lied to you?
Salaam my Sister,
I am sorry that you are experiencing this massive sense of betrayal from your husband.
Trust, once broken, is very hard to restore - especially when it is covered by lies. For example, if you ask someone to take care of an item and they lose it - then maybe you can forgive them because what they did, was in error. However the type of activity you are describing from your husband is all intentional - his actions were intentional, his deception intentional - and this is why this particular form of betrayal is so damaging: your husband betrayed you in full knowledge that he was betraying you, and lied to your face in full knowledge that he was lying.
Also, with these particular acts of his - the only possible explanations for his actions are bad ones. Whichever way he tries to explain it - having a secret facebook account, not telling people you are married, lying to your wife about your activities: I mean: there are no "good" or "positive" explanations here at all.
Naturally you are overcome with hurt and pain and anger and betrayal.
My first advice to you is to not blame yourself or look at yourself for reasons for his behaviour - this is not about you, this is about him. If you start looking at yourself your self esteem will suffer - but the truth is a good man will betray no one no matter how great the temptation, and a bad man will betray no matter how much he doesn't need to.
The second, is that I advise you take some form of quiet reflection period away from him to assess within yourself as to whether or not you are willing to forgive this. Some people are able to forgive things like this (and much worse also) and others simply cannot - where you fall within the forgiveness spectrum is really up to you. If you can forgive and give him another chance: then do so. If you cannot, do not force yourself to try because you will end up going crazy in your relationship, always worrying and thinking about his honesty.
Take time away from him and from communications and assess your thoughts clearly. Note if you feel better or worse when you are with him and away from him. Ask yourself if you can live with this or if you cannot - and then go with whatever is the greatest truth for you.
Every person is completely unique. For some, the shame and embarrassment of being caught is enough for them to cease the act. For others, they will continually repeat the act no matter how many times they are caught. Some women can forgive affairs, and adultery - some women cannot forgive a tiny lie. We are all different. What is important is that you connect with what is real for you, and what is acceptable for you and decide on what outcome will bring you the greatest peace in the situation - and to come to that decision you must wait until you are calm, reasonable and focused. Then, in your state of calm and focus you will be able to make a decision and stick to it.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Salaam Aleikoum Dearest Sister,
Alhamdulillah for this site Sister and may you find your solution soon Insha Allah. I had a similar situation last year with after several years of marriage my husband still did not tell his friends and family that he was married. We were also separated for over a year and not living in the same province. I wrote in for some advice here too, and mashaallah, I had very good answers. It took me months and months to make a move on my own. I could forgive many things, even my husband's private accounts but I could not forgive the fact that he refused to announce our marriage after so many years to his family.
Sister, I am agreeing with Sister Leyla, to take time for yourself and never blame yourself either.. It takes time to strengthen our Deen. When I finally got over the hurt and betrayal feelings and asked him to move out over a year ago, I had to take baby-steps to rebuild my Deen, my Salat, my everything that was lost in the marriage. Since he did not have the heart or decency to announce our marriage to his family...and he was sick for the whole marriage so I was supporting him etc...I finally had the courage to commence divorce proceedings in civil court as well after a year of separation. I had given him the chances many times to tell his family about me, especially when he went back to his country and I asked him to invite me - he steadfast refused. That is when I took my decision. Cutting communications for a while is good because it gives you time to reflect on yourself and what is good for YOU and your Deen, Sister.
I am not sure of your age, Sister, but I am probably much older than you. The only answer lies within your own heart. I prayed Salat Istikhara and then I decided to keep my dignity and I had enough of being a secret wife. I was married before and never encountered such a situation in my life. I realized that because I was nieve even at my age and trusted that man to tell his family as he promised, I let myself fall into a trap which gave him total control over that aspect of my life by keeping me and our marriage a secret from his family. The distress was overwhelming until I took back my rights.
Forgiveness is something you can only do from your heart. If you cannot 100% or with conditions, then you will be tormented. I always kept the door open to forgiveness if I saw even one step forward in the right direction even that I could say Salaam to my ex's mother on the phone instead of hiding in the other room quietly while he spoke with her. But it never happened. Could it in the future? Only Allah S.W. T. knows the truth. As for being a test, of course it is a test for you BUT it is also a test for your husband.
Take care of yourself and your Deen first, Sister, InshaAllah I pray for the best and merciful solution for you.
Sis , this happened to me , but worse. I found my hubby had 356 friends on his msn , only about 10 of them were men. And he was having cam 2 cam sex and dirty chat , he did this throughout our marriage and relationship. Honestly , Iv'e tried to dump him but I always go back to him...and he still chats to girls...he just knows how to be sneakier with it. I'm fed up of being paronoid and untrusting. Honestly , if you guys ain't got trust in the marriage then leave , there is nothing to build on if you ain't got trust.
Give it a few months , clear your head and think about it.
I wish I had the strength to leave him...honestly I really do. 🙁
I don't see why your wasting your time with this waster he doesn't seem remorseful at all. If you stay together things have to be on your terms...
May Allah make it easy for you InshaAllah
Sisters,
I have gone through this exact same thing, almost to the letter. I am not Muslim, I am Christian but I believe our God is the same. My first advice you must choose forgive and release the pain. It is the command of God to make our lives better. This does not mean to cover and ignore their sin. You will feel anger and this is okay, but you must not sin by taking matters into your own hands. The pain will not go away immediately. Time heals all wounds. You must protect yourself by setting and enforcing boundaries in the relationship. Pray that God will show you what to do to set those boundaries and how to do it. The answer may not be what you think. Then allow your husband to experience the pain of his sin by withdrawing from his corrupting and harmful influence. The Bible says that we must warn our brother first. If he will not listen, take two or three witnesses. If he still won't listen, take your spiritual leader. And finally if he remains stubborn, cut him off so that he can experience the punishment for his disobedience to God. This will save his soul from hell. I am not sure if the Qu'ran is the same, but I have heard that they are very similar. I have done this to my husband and it is very painful, but it has helped me to heal from the pain. Also, do not allow your husband back into your life until he has repented and changed his lifestyle permanently. Otherwise, you will feed his sin which will send him to hell's fire. Like I said, I have lived your life. I immigrated my husband here and he did the same thing. It really made me feel like he married me just to immigrate to the U.S. It is very painful when you have to wonder if your husband loves you and even more painful when you realize that you no longer love him because of that pain. The only reason I haven't divorced is because I believe that it is God's Will I stay married. So I will trust His Plan for my life instead of my own wisdom and desires. He will give me a new love for my husband. I have, in the meantime, begun to work on the reasons why I have allowed my husband's disrespect for me to last so long. Once I dealt with these issues, I was able to gain a new respect for myself as a child of God. We were created from Adam's rib, not the sole of his foot. He are our husband's equal. God created us last as the crowning glory of His creation. When He created Woman, His creation was complete and perfect. We should act like it by taking a stand and holding our husband's accountable to God and to us. Sometimes the best way to do this is to allow them to experience the pain of their decision alone. If they leave, do not mourn for long and be thankful for God's saving grace, or else you will miss out on the better plan God has for your life. Remember also to pray that God would lead them to true repentance and transformation.
Hope this helps. Praying for you.
Salam sister. I've been through the same. It's an additional part to a jigsaw of many unexplainable situations that just don't make sense. FB is the latest and porn. I can't trust him. Many years ago after our first child. We have 3 now. He tried it on with a girl 15 who was staying wiv us. He sed shed made it all up. Latest FB is young girls aged 16/17. We are both 37.
I feel like he has an interest in young girls and this makes me feel inadequate.
I'm a catch and I no it!! He don't deserve me. He's now very loving and attentive but it all feels vacant. Like he's keeping me sweet.
I'm lost and don't know what to do!!
I'm glad I'm not on Facebook anymore. I frequently got messages from married men from the Gulf area who wanted "to be friends" with me. Being the sort of person who...likes confrontation :D, I replied to a few of these men and gave them a piece of my angry mind. I hate married men! What do they even have Facebook for? I'm not even married and I find no use of Facebook - but if I were married, I'd just have an even bigger reaosn to not be on Facebook. Seriously...the amount of time married couple spend on Facebook...they could be doing something fun together! Again, if I were married (and even now that I'm not), I do and would spend all of my free time traveling with my husband, making romantic dinners together, watching funny movies, go for walks on the beach and parks, go to cafés, the cinema...visit family...
And to all the women who just sit there and complain about their unfaithful husbands on Facebook, but not actually doing anything to stop their behaviour: stop acting like poor victims. Yes your husbands are filthy creeps, but you have the option to not tolerate their haram behaviour. Instead of distancing yourself from your husbands' zina, giving them ultimatums, kicking them out of the house...you just feel sorry for yourselves, make yourself appear like weaklings with no "strength" to do something...well, you don't need strength, you only need a voice to tell your husbands that they can find their belongings on the street and go stay with one of the cheap girls they seem to think is worth losing a marriage for.