Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I lost my virginity, I regret it.

confused between the two

Salam, about 2yrs ago I lost my virginity, I am a Muslim, at that time when I lost my virginity I really didn´t know what I was doing I only thought I was making the person I loved happy but I was wrong he was only after one thing. He was a muslim but he doesn´t follow the path Allah made for us. Plus he lost his virginity long before I met him.

I thought I could bring him to right path but in my case I lost my everything. Well I have not read the entire Holy Quran but I knew I did a wrong thing I´ m trying to Repent from  now I know more and would like to know how to repent from this.

One more thing, I met this guy he says he loves me and wants to marry me but in condition that he get  married twice. I told okay but he told me I have to tell my family so I get what I deserve because he doesn´t wana lie to his family.

What should I do?

Thank you


Tagged as: , , , ,

18 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sana,

    When we disobey Allah and obey Shaytaan the consequences are visible and the result of this conduct is loss.

    Whatever happened has happened, you should hate what you did and not do it again and turn to Allah in repetance asking for His forgives, pray salaat regularly, be a good Muslima and do good deeds a Muslim should be doing.

    Read the Qur'an daily to remind yourself of Allah and His revelations and do good deeds, Insha Allah this will annul the ill deeds done before.

    Also, many people think " I will improve him", " I only wanted to help him", but this him and her in Islam are not good without marriage and cause from harm than benefit.

    If you have a proposal, I don't understand a condition of marrying twice? What is that?

    If it is a secret marriage first and then an open marriage, then that is not right. Marriage should be with honor, respect and in the open.

    Do not disclose your past to any new person you meet lest people take advantage of it and create trouble for you and for themselves. Keep your past between yourself and Allah.

    If you see a good Muslim, regular in prayers, charity and good in nature in general and has other qualities you would want in a husband, go ahead with marriage Insha Allah with consent of your family.

    Read the Qur'an much and turn to Allah in repentance and for seeking Help.

    Insha Allah you will come out of the darkness of the past and walk in the light appointed by Allah for the doers of good.

    Your brother.

  2. As salamu alaykum,

    True repentance, stop sinning, (tawbah), following the straight Path, forgiveness, proposal, acceptance and nikkah, you have your bag full of duties to fulfill.

    I took this comments from this posts:
    They are made by Sister Sara and Brother Wael, they will fit you perfectly, insha´Allah


    “Say: “O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith (Islamic Monotheism) to your Lord and submit to Him (in Islam) before the torment comes upon you, (and) then you will not be helped.

    And follow the best of that which is sent down to you from your Lord (i.e. this Qur’aan, do what it orders you to do and keep away from what it forbids), before the torment comes on you suddenly while you perceive not!’”

    [al-Zumar 39:53-54 – interpretation of the meaning]

    The word tawbah (repentance) is a great word with deep meaning. It is not, as many people think, merely words to be uttered whilst persisting in sin. Think about what Allaah says:

    “Seek the forgiveness of your Lord, and turn to Him in repentance”

    [Hood 11:3 – interpretation of the meaning]

    You will see that repentance is something more than seeking forgiveness.

    Conditons of repentance
    1 – Giving up the sin immediately.

    2 – Regretting what has happened in the past.

    3 – Resolving not to go back to it.

    At the top of the page you have too a link on Tawbah, that may help you, insha´Allah.

    This is a grave sin. But you should not despair. Allah forgives if you are sincere in asking Him. You should repent and seperate yourself from your fiancee. I just wanted to add in answer to your question you should do ghusul to purify yourself in general after sexual contact. As far as I know the minimum is that hair and whole body must be washed (with or without soap). I have heard it is recommended to clean mouth and nose 3x with water and do wudhu afterwards, but I do not know a hadith to back the last sentence up with so please someone correct me if I am wrong.

    Sister you need to separate yourself from your fiance right away. That's the only way this sinful behavior will stop. It is not allowed in Islam for the two of you to be alone together.

    Remove yourself from him until you are ready to get married. Do not spend time with him. The only way to prevent the haram behavior from occurring again is to cut off the paths that lead to it.

    Make tawbah for your past behavior. Keep up with your salat and reading Quran as you said.

    All my Unconditional Respect,
    María Editor


    PLZ HELP .

    • Asalaamualaykum,

      Please log in and submit your question as separate post. Also, please include clear details.

      SisterZ Editor

  4. Asalamoalaikum sister,
    Alhumdulillah both brother Muniib and sister Maria have given you some excellent advice so I wont re-iterate the steps towards the acceptance of repentance. However, I would like to add my two cents into this discussion.

    You’re past is your past; do not reveal it to anyone. If Allah swt wills, inshAllah He will conceal it in this world and the hereafter but your intention matters greatly here. You have to sincerely repent (follow the steps advised above by others) and not return to that sin again. It will be difficult but this will be your test—to see how sincere and firm you are with your repentance.

    The guy you have met has made it clear to you that he wants two marriages; my dear is this something you can accept? From your post, you sound like a young female and although polygamy is allowed in Islam, it must be done for the right reasons (and it is quite difficult to maintain in regards to providing all the wives with equal rights, etc). Do you think you will be able to share your husband with another woman? Personally, I cant—I would want my husband all to myself; I want my cake and want to eat it myself also :), hehe. So you need to really look into this aspect and ponder over it. Marriage is not a game; it’s a life long commitment that requires maturity, understanding, sacrifices and stability.

    There are many decent Muslim guys out there so do not limit yourself; of course don’t go “man hunting” (i.e. don’t start dating) but try to keep your options open.

    Apologies for not giving the best of advice; my mind is kind of boggled up right now but I hope I helped in some way, inshAllah.

    -Helping Sister

  5. TOBA is the only thing you can do.

    May God Help you. 🙂

  6. As salam aliekum sister sana,

    It is good that you "REGRET." What is important and necessary is you "REPENT."

    Repentance gives you the feeling of peace and serenity and you no more feel that burden of your tormenting sins.

    Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, I never committed as grave a seen as losing my virginity, but stil sins did torment me. But, after I got an advice here, I truely repentented and I feel nothing for the guy. Allah is omnipotent. Walk on His path, and see the power He bestows on you. The power being a good, practising muslim, the power to control your nafs and the power never to sin again.

    I would like to advice you what I was advised:
    Stand up now, this very moment (of course after you have read all the advice), perform wudu, offer 2 rakaah nafil namaz with true intention of repentance, then, prostrate before Allah and weep over your sins to your heart and soul's content and resolve not to look at your past.

    InshaAllah, you will feel such relief which you were craving for. You will have fearless days and peaceful nights. This doesn't mean you should stop fearing Allah, fear Him as never before and turn not to your past.

    And follow all the advice given by other sisters and brothers on your post.

    As salam aliekum.

    • Assalamu alaykum Sister Fatima,

      Masha Allah sister, very well put out words in the end - fearless days and peaceful nights and fearing Allah and resolve not to resort to the past.

      Pretty encouraging words.


      • Waliekum as salam brother,

        Alhamdulillah, I have advised sana what I have myself experienced. True repentance and never to turn back has infact made me strong. Alhamdulillah I landed here and am learning a lot from you all.

        Jazakallah brother for your encouragement.

        As salam aliekum.

  7. I am in love with one guy. First month he loved me a lot but second month I could found a sudden changes in c in him. I had asked the reason , he said he wants to be causal for few months but when I asked him about our marriage, he said he is not ready right now because he has a younger sister and some debt to be cleared.Initially he said he will talk to them if any proposal comes for me but now he is telling I will still talk to them but his my family agrees then only he will marry me.When I asked him do you really want to get marry and he answered me Inshallah. I really love him but from his side I cant understand what he wants. He is younger to me also and now I am 26 yrs old.In this situation I really dont know what to do and I dont want to leave him. Now a days he is not talking to properly. Can you suggest me any dua thru which his heart will be melt and he will love me as before and I really wanted to marry him . He prays 5 times daily but still I dont know why he is doing to me like this. PLZ PLZ SUGGEST ME SOME DUAS TO MAKE HIM MELT AND COME BACK TO ME.

    • Assalamu alaykum Mehrun,

      It is not advisable for Muslims to "remain" in love before marriage. Either you marry or you leave it.

      Muslims have important things to do in life than just "remain" stuck in love. So read the Qur'an with meanings and know what is required from you as a responsible Muslima.

      Also, do not love someone more than Allah. Develop your love for Allah and do good deeds in His love.

      Du'aa: O Allah ! If he be for my khair and future, make it easy for me to marry him. If he is not for my khair and my future, make it easy for me to move on and pursue my duties as a Muslim.

      O Allah ! You know, I know not. Guide me to the right path and increase me in knowledge of Islam.

      Any other du'aa you may like from your heart. Allah is your Lord, you may ask Him as you like, put forward the problems and pains of your heart to Him.

      He indeed knows best.

      I am happy you laid stress on marriage time and again. Please do so, either marriage or moving on. Whether you wait for him or not, do not forget Allah is watching all this and is Aware of all things.

      Be a good, chaste Muslima, if you keep your duty to Allah, Allah will nourish you and take care of you better than anyone else.

      Hope this reminder is of some use, Insha Allah.

      Your brother.

  8. Salaam
    I lost my virginity with out my permission and i am just 18. It was like i use to talk to this guy and i really liked him and i said him that we wont do anything before marriage but one day he forcefully did that and after that his friend called me and said you should listen to him and do whatever he want you to do or else you will lose him. I got scared because i was afraid no one will marry me.

    (Remainder of comment deleted by Editor)

    • Sister Samiya, Asalaamualaykum,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post and we will aim to publish it very soon. What I will say for now though is that sex without consent is 'rape'. But you have been going back to him and this means you are consenting and you allowing him to use you. Stop going to him now, otherwise you will find yourself in deeper trouble than you already are; you may end up pregnant or with an STD! Allah is watching you sister and if your soul is taken while you are sinning, you will be in severe torment. Wake up sister before it is too late.

      SisterZ Editor

  9. Salam,

    I am a 19 year old Muslim girl. I have been in a committed serious relationship with a Muslim for about 3 years now. A few months ago we both lost our virginity to each other, I guess it was a sort of promise to stay together with each other and get married because we love each other very much. Over the time in which it occurred, both of us have developed mixed feelings and feelings of regret. Although it shames us to admit it, we enjoyed the times we spent together and do not want to discontinue it, but at the same time we regret it and wish to stop. We do not see each other often as we both are in a very long distance relationship, so we have only had sex a few times. I have developed an attitude of being a whore, because I gave this boy everything I could. I don't know what to think or believe about myself and I feel ashamed. I have had a clean record before this, and even giving him my virginity was a big decision which required a lot of thinking and trust. I have also noticed that our relationship has been deteriorating since we both committed the sin, which I assume is Allah's way of punishing us. My question is...what are the consequences of our actions? Is there a way I can keep my relationship with this boy through duas and end all of our fights? Am I a whore for doing this as a Muslim? And how can I get these feelings of want to be overridden by the feelings of regret and not doing it again?

    Thank you.

  10. Dear Sana,
    Good that you regret, and as sister Fatima said, you should repent! I am faihfull that Allah will forgive you and will give a chance to meet a man who will not worry about your virginty. I am a father of 3 girls and grand father of 4 grand daughters, and I always worry about the futur for all of them! Choosing to be a second wife because virginity is going to be hard for you, but could be a solution, to get "soutra" for you and your family. So dont reject this solution

  11. Dear friends!

Leave a Response