Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have been having lots of problems with my mother

Angry woman, angry wife, abusive woman

aslamu alaikam wa rahmantulahi wa baraktahu,

when I was born, my mum referred to me as 'ugly' and did not even touch me for two days after my birth because I was a very dark purple color and very vulnerable (ill). The only person I have ever been close to is my grandmother, she is like a second mother to me and I love her to bits; but my mum tells me stories to make me stop running to her. Once when I was 6, she took out a knife and told me to kill her. Now she is always giving me bad dua (cursing).  She starts screaming at 7 in the morning, sometimes earlier, and doesn't stop screaming and cursing (using very dirty swear words) at least 6 times in one sentence. She carries on screaming until she sleeps at around 10-11. As soon as she wakes up, she would still be in bed and be swearing.

Furthermore, she doesn't only swear- she also uses other sexually abusive words against me which makes me cringe. My mum is always looking for ways to get my dad to beat me or my brother. Because of my mum, I used to get bullied school and I also had low self esteem. My mum mocks me and is always humiliating me in front of my relatives and friends because I am fat, but the reason for me being fat is because in my childhood my mum used to feed me a lot and now I'm used to it.

It really annoys me because I'm scared of Allah and I have recently started wearing the hijab. My mum has never taught me about Islam, and I am very angry because I had to learn from others and by myself. I am trying to start reading namaaz on a daily basis, but whenever I do wudu my mum screams and makes me wind up.  Therefore without realizing it, I start swearing and screaming as well.

I really want to be a good Muslim and a good human, but I don't think my mum will let that happen. She is going to hajj this year, and in about 2 weeks she is going to leave for pakistan and from there she's going to go hajj with her parents and brother in law. I have great hope that when she returns she will have changed, but I don't know what will happen.

2-3 years ago I went to Pakistan for my auntie's wedding, and one of my older cousins fell in love with me. Now my mum wanted me to get married over there,  but the problem is I don't want to simply because my heart and brain will not agree to this. I do not like the guy, but my mum is forcing me into this and whenever she talks about him (at least 4 times a week) I feel disgusted and enraged.  I think that I am ready to give this sacrifice because of previouse family problems. My grandad says if I disagree to the marriage, he will disown me and probably my mum will too.  The way my mum tries to make me agree to the marriage makes me think that no one wants to marry me and that this is my only chance.

Whenever someone brings this topic up, I think my mum has never done anything for me. She is always cursing me that my children will be rude and disrespectful towards me, and that my house will be full of spiders and other insects, so why should I listen to her? My mum has even turned my younger sister against me. I feel like the only person that likes me is my grandmother, but my mum won't let me go and stay with her. My mum is also VERY VERY VERY obsessed with cleaning- she would chuck me and my siblings out of the house just to clean it. If I accidently drop something on the floor, she would beat me with a mop stick.

I know this draft is really long, but I should let you know this is not the first time I am seeking for answers or help online.I have tried emailing and other websites, but no one has given a reply and no after so many months I found this website so hopefully I will get a reply very soon. Please dear brothers and sisters, I beg of you to please, please help me. I am in a very bad state that I might even run away. I' m too scared.

May Allah reward you, jazak'allah khair.


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22 Responses »

  1. As-salaam alaikum sister,

    I am so sorry you are experiencing such awful way of life with this oppressive and vindictive woman who is supposes to love and cherish you..

    Your mother is going to Hajj and yet she is cruel and curses? She is transgressing the limits in her use of vulgar language and mistreatment of you.

    Feel positive amidst this darkness since you have a desire to be a good Muslim despite your mother failing to guide you.

    Ignore those ugly remarks about what your future children would allegedly behave like. You seem like a kind person and Insha'Allah you'd be a wonderful mother one day. Perhaps she treated her own mother in this way.

    Others may not agree, but from what you say, definitely refuse the proposal of marriage. This would be for a variety of reasons including; your mother forcing you, the majority of overseas spouses having ulterior motives,they have intentions of haram behaviour once they're unleashed in the west and because of the way your mother treats you, her recommendation is a no-no.

    While she is on her travels, talk to your grandmother and persuade her to let you stay with her. Is she your mother's mother? If so,what happened? Ideally she will agree but you mention of your grandfather who is keen for you to marry your cousin.

    I can't see how you can remain in this environment and will have no choice but to leave but I'm not too sure of how young you are. However if this is affecting your worship of Allah then essentially the choice is between worshipping Allah and being free from this horribleness or just being miserable and become ruined.

    I don't think you could even talk with your mother, maybe Hajj could result in a transformation in her, only Allah knows.

    • Walikumslam wa rahmatullahi wa barakata hu,

      Thankyou for replying dear sister you do not understand how happy i was to see a reply here.

      To start off with my grandmother is my fathers mum and my grandad is my mums dad who wants me to get married to my cousin (my mums older sisters son). Allhamdullilah my mum has agreed to leave me and my siblings with my grandma but she has warned me to say nothing about the alliance to her as she and her husband (my dads father) are completely against this. And i have also just recently turned 17 🙂

      My gran has heard my mum swearing at my brother on the phone once and she told her off for wanting to goto hajj and yet having a bad behaviour. The story behind why my mum does not like her in laws is extremely long and to explain it i will have to back a generation so therefore trying to make the story short my mum and das were also cousins before we got married and as were syeds we have to try and keep the marriage between our family... My mum hates my gran because a sister of hers has put her against them and now my mum believes that she was treated badly by her father and mother in law, i however have also heard the other side of the story and therefore i know this is not true.

      I wanted to know if theres any dua that i can recite to raise mine and my mothers imaan and to increase peace and love in our family? Because for some reason i believe that this could help bring my family together.

      Im really sorry about any spelling mistakes as i use my phone 🙂 jazak'Allah sister

      • You say " as we are syeds we have to try and keep the marriage between our family"..... so you do want to marry in the family also. How old is this cousin you fell in love? Are you willing to marry the older cousin? Does you dad use "cuss' words too?

  2. I feel so angry to hear about parents who treat their kids the way your parentsa re treating you! I feel so bad for you, sister :(. You sound like a very smart young lady, and you deserve the best :). As Rashida said, I also don't think you should accept a marriage proposal that you don't really want. And you should not feel bad that your parents threaten to disown you if you don't marry who they would like you to marry. It's YOUR choice who you want as a husband, not your parents'.

    Sister, I really would urge you to leave your parents' home and go stay with your grandmother. I know you say your mother doesn't want you to, but when she treats you as badly as she does, she really has no say in where you want to live. If your grandmother is okay with you staying with her, please do it! Immediately! I think you have lived in this toxic environment long enough, be honest, I too doubt if your parents are going to change after performing hajj. Please think of yourself and your own wellbeing and do what's best for yourself...

    Good luck with everything, sis :).

    • First of all, Jazak'Allah for your response dear sister :')

      I really do want to go and live with my gran but she lives in a sort of a joint family- my gran lives with her son and daughter. Now i am really close to my aunty (my grans daughter) but my uncle just doesnt seem to like me being around. He has stopped talking to me since i came from my aunts wedding in pakistan 2 years ago because my mum saw me crying and got a chance to humiliate me infront ofthe family by saying that my uncle had beaten me when he had'nt- although i am ok with this as i did not try hard enough to stop her as i was too embarassed to say anything :s

      I really do have great hope for when she returns from hajj and please can u also make dua for me if possible sister 🙂 jazak'Allah

  3. Assalamu'alaikum,

    I can imagine how big problem you have inside your self.
    Since you tell me your story only , I don't know what to say.
    So, how can I help you my sister?

    • Dear sister, it would mean alot if you have any dua to offer for peace in my family?

      Jazak'Allah Khair 🙂

  4. Just wheb she swearing tell her why u swearing fr and tell her like hw bad it is.....
    N shes going haajjj
    If shes forcing u dnt let black mail u....
    Ii made a big sacrifice like uuu fr my parrnt happiness I said yess

    But thn it didnt work out....dnt take thyre threats too far its prbz if u listen to thereats thy get mre powerful...

    U thinkink bout hw old u r If u say no...who will u marryy..

    Stay coool dnt let them force u just aay no n get ppl around u to knw its a no lol..
    Ask fr allah help read quran...get an imams help ..if u need it.

  5. An imam could also speak to ur parents on ur behalf.sme one did this in my area. Just talk to mum mke her realiae her error talk to her in a nice way ..n get ppl to talk to her shss human..has feelings cn be.moved

    • The same thing happened to you? Im soo sorry to hear that.

      Jazak'Allah for your responce, i live in a pure white-english area and i do not often go out as i am not aloud to; its really very hard to find an imaam over here but if i do somehow find one i feel really scared because i think if i get someone to talk to her she will feel embarassed and take her anger out on me. I think like this as i have tried before and it did not go well at all but In Sha Allah i will try again and by Allah swt will it will all work out

  6. Precious child of Allah,I'm so very sorry to hear of the pain you must endure on a daily basis.I truly believe that your mother is mentally ill.and it is very sad that you are the innocent victim of her disease.for you own sanity and self preservation you need to see if there is any possible for you to stay with a relative.please don't allow yourself to be forced into another ugly situation by marriying someone that you don't like.this life is temporary,may all your suffering help you reach Jannah ,and may Allah grant all your dreams!

    • Ameen sumameen 🙂

      Thankyou dear sister i hope everything works out.

      I would also like to add that yes, my mum has had deppression before but i believed she was treated for it however i think she may be suffering again. Your response has made me think and i feel that i should talk to the doctor about screaming all the time to ser if she afterall is actually suffering from any sort of disease because if so then i can help get her treated.

      Jazak'Allah once again, may Allag swt reward you for helping out a sister thankyou very much!! 🙂

  7. Walaykum Salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu sister. I am really sorry how your mother treats you. Iits really sad 🙁 .I know it's really painful wallah. My dia sister Dua is the only thing that can help you i will always keep u in my prayers in shaa Allah I promise u that. This life is a test plz never ever try doing suicide . I know u are a strong Muslim girl and I am honestly happy to hear that u learnt the deen on your own my dia sister plz never lose hope in Allah. Without Allah we are nothing.
    Sister I think ur mum is mentally ill sorry to say this, in shaa Allah I will always keep praying for u and ur family to live a peaceful life in shaa Allah Ameen. Plz talk to your grandma about ur mum and hopefully she will figure out something if u keep silent u will hurt yourself even more and something bad can happen to u. Sister I don't know u but I feel ur pain and I love u for the sake of ALLAH .In shaa Allah everything will be fine my prayers are with u my dia sister.

  8. I think your mom suffers from OCD(I cant think of any other reason why she would be so obsessive about cleanliness). I also suffer from OCD and I know how hellish I would have been if Allah didn't bless me with a high intellect and with Islam. You should refer your mom to a psychologist if you can. There is no fool-proof treatment for OCD so I would advice you to have as little contact with your mom as posssible. Hope this helps. Jazak Allah Khair.

  9. Walekum Salam dear Sister

    Sister Rashida has given a good advice. I would second her.

    Apart from that, I would say that to my understanding, your mother is suffering from some sort of psychological disorder like OCD. This seems confirmed with her obsession for cleanliness. So she needs to be taken to some psychologist. I know you cant but you can ask some close relative for it, who can inform the family and can arrange for her treatment.

    About you, well I feel really sad for you, parents especially mother are supposed to love, care and protect their children. I can understand your pain and emotional longings from your mother. It has been happening with a lot of people. I am also one of them in one way or another.

    I have a family alhamdullilah and my mother provided me everything except emotional pampering. Her favourtism game (my best kid) resulted in sibling rivalry among us siblings. Yesterday my sister was her favourite daughter, today I were and tomorrow my another sister. This is how things have been. There was a time when I had become my mother’s favourite daughter but when I raised my voice against my mother’s flaws and faults and I could not fulfill all her expectations, since then I am no longer a good daughter to her. I could not bear her injustice towards my brother’s wife and I could not understand nor complied with her biased attitude and unfair dealings with relatives. I could not get even married so I became like a burden on them. Meanwhile my younger sister added fuel to fire and distanced me further from my mother. Today its like, I feel so far from my mother though we live in the same house. We don’t talk as such and if we ever (sometimes I take initiatives) it often turn into disagreements, arguments, taunts etc. my mother pampers my younger sister like anything. I long for such emotional pampering but I almost never got. Today if I am unwell lying in my room, I would not get my mother next to me, I have to self help and self serve. Whatever good I do and have done so far, I am never appreciated by her, she never ever encouraged me for anything for example, scoring good in exam, she behaved as if I am all alone responsible for everything negative that take place around. My mother had a lot of expectations from my elder brother who didn’t bother for her and left her. Now my parents especially my mother poses to be victims of their kids. They even say that all their kids are same. I am still having a tough time in getting close to my mother and my parents in general. But I have not given up, I just think this way that being their daughter I should do my best to serve them and if they don’t acknowledge or appreciate, doesn’t matter, Allah(Swt) is watching everything.

    So my point is that first of all be positive in life and do not feel anything negative about you and your life.
    If you don’t want to get married to that person, say clearly to them as its your right as Muslim and as human being.

    Try to focus on your studies and take up a job (full time or part time) to bear your expenses and to keep yourself busy. Learn about deen and practice to your best.

    About Dua to recite, you should recite Al Qudoos 100 times a day to save youself from anxiety & Al Badi 70 times for protection. Recite Aytal Qursi as much as you can. Make lots of duas to Allah(swt),

    insha-allah with course of time, things will change. Insha-allah for better. Just keep going

  10. My mum is also VERY VERY VERY obsessed with cleaning- she would chuck me and my siblings out of the house just to clean it. If I

    Your mum may be suffering form OCD.........obsessed with cleaning.
    i am sure problems in family interefere with performance in school and self esteem.

  11. Assalaam aleikum dear Madiha!

    I just came across your post and am wondering how you are now? I will remember you in my duaas insh'Allah but just wished I could talk to you when I read all of this. Please tell me how things are and PLEASE don't give up and don't get married to that cousin cause it'll most likely mean that you'll never get away from your mother's side of relatives.

    • Walikum salaam, I have only just come back to this website after a long time. I did not see your message before I am sorry. I am 22 years old now and recently went pakistan and was put under a lot of pressure by every single one of my family members and my grandparents weren’t there to defend me. However I stood my ground and didn’t let the nikkah happen.

      Then I came back to London, my home town, and the pressure from my mum continued. She used to say things like I will disown you, I’m going to leave you, I won’t accept you marrying anyone else and I will not come to your wedding. She used to get her friend and her friends daughter (who is my best friend) to talk to me and they asked me to think about this proposal with an open mind. And so I did. During that very same day because my mum had seen me discussing the proposal with my friend she assumed I was okay with it but I never said yes or had ever said that I was ok with it. I then , on the same day, told her that I am not saying yes but she sent her friend to me again to talk to me. I could not say anything as this talking started turning into pressuring. For 5 days straight my mum her friend and my friend would come to my house and pressure me every day and all day. And during these days I felt so under pressure I felt i couldn’t talk to anyone about it and in that pressure my nikkah ended up happening. Now I’m in the worst state I have ever been in. I hate this and I hate the fact that I was pressured into this.

      A few months back I met a guy and he liked me would always ask for me to speak to my parents and tell them that I like him too so we could get married but because my relationship with my mother was so weak I was unable to do so and thought I would do it once I got back from Pakistan , however this did not happen as my nikkah with my cousin back home happened instead.

      I have made another thread but it has yet to be approved. I hope it is approved soon as I really am in trouble and feel suffocated. Jzk’Allah khair x

      • Also, how long does it take for someone’s post to be verified by this website ? As I need the help asap

        • Assalaam aleikum Madhiya!
          I am SO sorry for not replying fast enough, I didn't log into my email for yeeeears (it's one of my extra emails). I only just saw your replies today . I hope that you are in a much better situation today inshAllah but please, do get in touch as soon and whenever you see this reply of mine. Let's become email pals and connect one to one as Muslim sisters, so that you don't have to write all your business here. Many many duaa and sisterly love! Big sis. (My email is ******).

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