I love him, he’s married, and his wife is pregnant.
Salaam,
I would appreciate it if I wasn't judged- I have come on here to ask for help and guidance please.
I am a young Muslim girl, and I have been in a relationship with a married man. He has three kids and one more on the way. However he hasn't ever had a proper relationship with his wife, and I am agreeing that what we are doing is right. This isn't any teenage high school love- he spends all his time with me and I love him so much that I have accepted to be his second wife.
The issue is that he slept with his wife and she is due in few weeks, however I was pregnant last year and had abortion. He told me to keep it but I wasn't ready as I was scared of what the family would say. Now he has gotten her pregnant when I had a abortion, which hurts. He slept with her, and it's something I can't forgive him for. It has mentally and emotionally broken me down.
What we are doing is a huge sin, and I have asked him to tell his wife about us because he told me he would. It never seems to be the right time, as he only found out she was pregnant when she was 5 months. She told him the same night that he was going to tell her he was going to remarry, and when she told him he asked her to have an abortion as she kept it hidden when he had sexual intercourse with her.
He was quite not himself, but that doesn't justify his actions. He deeply loves me, and he says he has opened up to me about everything with his wife.They don't speak except only if it has to do with the kids. He hasn't been a part of this pregnancy, as she planned it to make him stay because she knew he was with with someone else. We would stay out a lot at night, and now we don't know what to do.
She is due, and he keeps saying "wait, I will tell her", but I feel he is lying to me. This has broken me down mentally, and no matter what I do it isn't enough. I have changed my life around for this man who has lied to me and hurt me, but he hasn't walked away when I have hurt him. So does he want to be with me? My family wants me to settle down, and I don't know if I can with him. They would accept him, but I love him and we have shared everything. I can't see myself being with another man after the sin I have committed, please help.
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ASSALAMALAIKUM
DEAR WHERE ARE YOU YOU DONT KNOW THIS SELFISH WORLD????
HOW CAN YOU BE SO IGONRANT OF A VAGABOND WHO IS USING YOU FOR HIS PLEASURE AND TELLIING HE IS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOU-[PLEASE OPEN DICTIONERY ANSD SEE THE WORD INFATUATION THEN U WILL UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE-
So does he want to be with me?
ANSWER IS JUST FOR LUST-
My family wants me to settle down
ANSWER THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO-
I can't see myself being with another man after the sin I have committed, please help.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A RIGHT FOR THE WOOD-BE HUSBAND TO KNOW YOUR PAST NEITHER IT IS ALLLOWED FOR YOU TO REVEAL FROM YOUR SIDE -
SO JUST FORGET HIM -HE IS A LIAR AND WILL TAKE YOU TO HELL ALONG WITH HIM-
"If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied with comes to you, marry to him. If you do not do so, there will be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil." [At-Tirmidhi and others and it is hassan]
GET READY FOR A NEW GOOD HALAL LIFE AS MANY GIRLS IN OUR CITY HAD AFFAIRS FROM COLLEGE TIMES AND LATER MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE-AND THY ARE 40/45 YEARS OF AGE TODAY WITH COLLEGE GOING CHILDREN-
LIFE PATTERN IS THIS TODAY EXPERIENCE AND FORGET AND IT GOES ON AND DOES NOT STOP FOR ANY SELFISH VAGABOND OR JAMESBOND-
CHANGE YR CELL NUMBER DISCONNECT IMMIDIATELY MEANS IMMIDIATELY BECUSE A HOUSE BREAKER COUPLE BREAKER IS NOT ONE OF US A HADEES STATES-ALREADY YOU HAVE EARNED MANY HUGE SINS BY HARMING THE LIFE OF THE INNOCENT CHILDREN AND EARNED SINS IN RETURN-
ITS HIGH TIME JUST STOP STOP STOP-
REGARDS
Walk Away now, he will never leave his wife nor his children, he had a sexual relations with his wife in which so he has rights too, he is HER HUSBAND not yours.
They are married before Allah and however that bond may change through trials in this world, you will always be a lustful second best, you don't have that title of WIFE and nor will he give you it, this man is a stupid character and he has dragged you along into believing he will leave his wife, if he didn't want to be with his wife he wouldn't make love to her, keep a roof over her head and especially bring another child into this world?
Marriage goes through ups and downs and love comes and goes but the nikkah bond is somthing unique and created by our creator Allah, tell me this how will you ever know if he will not do the same to you? Cheat on you when he gets board after all you are preaching you are ready to be his second wife ect? If you are emotionally broken how will you feel when he has to give the same rights to you aswell as hs first wife? I.e sexual relations to both of you, you can't be there when he makes love to her, you can't be there in his mind either, tell me how you going to feel?
You are fooled if you think he is going to leave his family for you, Allah has created there bond for a reason through marriage and children, you need to let go, ask Allah to guide you back to his path, I promise you you will find a man who is right for you just believe and ask Allah to forgive you and him.
You are both breaking up a home and the wife and children will curse you, please don't let a wife's curse come on you because I'm telling you, it will haunt you.
Walk away and inshallah you will meet the right person, you and his family are in my dua, you to let go and find a good man to love you for you and Islam and for the husband to repent and build his marriage again. May Allah build there bond so strong that you or any other trail dose not break them.
And if you think I don't know what I'm on about well let me keep this short,my husband had an affair, said everything to the other girl just like you, I.e. I don't want my wife ect and he will leave me, news flash he broke up with her after a year and has not even divorced me, we are on a break but do you see the bond of a nikkah is so special that even the hardest times come Allah will always find a way to keep married couples together even to try and salvage a marriage and that's what we are doing.
Be strong and walk away and ask Allah to guide you, don't break up a home because if your dad did that to your mum how would you feel?
Inshallah you will be ok, Allah will guide you and forgive you.
Sa
Salam Sister,
I have read your advice given to the post and I can somehow relate to what this person has go through as I too once in the same situation as her. I know it was wrong and sin for the third party but then again what about the guy who cheated on her? Do we have to forgive him for cheated and playing a feeling on us too? Yes, I know wife have every right to feel sad but aren't we human too to feel sad and anger to being betray by some cheater? Isnt all this is unfair for us?
salaam, i pray to Allah that you seek help from Allah first, make dua sister, Serious on your knees crying dua. A few points. When it comes to marriage we have a very healthy (God given system) that works really well and when people fall outside of the system, problems kick in......The dunya is able to eat you up and spit you out if, you run your affairs emotionally and don't care about the boundaries of the sharia LIFE WILL BE TOUGH. But at least you have choices now. Let me ask you this question, "if lusts and desires brought you together, why do you think that these same lusts and desires won't lead him or potentially you to into someone else's life??." If you have fallen into this situation by sinning...then i would sincerely advise that you leave it upon taqwa (the awareness of Allah) while the window of opportunity is still there which by the way is a mercy, some people don't get a chance sister. You must realise one thing, Allah places love in the hearts and creates contentment in the souls, you must realise that life is an opportunity to build a relationship with Allah for the short time that you are here and get ready for the journey, don't delude yourself as others become deluded. Please remember lusts and desires fade and what is left then except for people to seek them in the arms or others......move away, make tawba and move on.
Salaam A Hakeem
Asalamo Alaykum, I think it's terrible that you are involved with a married man and by the looks of it he doesn't want to leave his wife. The only reason you're a apart of his life is because you're his source of pleasure which is temporary believe me it won't be soon before he cuts you off completely. His wife has rights over him, whereas you have absolutely none. He obviously still cares and still is attracted to his wife if he can have intercourse with her and get her pregnant. Stop wasting your life and being so naive! I don't know how he fooled you and I don't care what he told you about his married situation, it's so evil to become involved with a married man. If he wanted a second wife he should have done things the proper way. Do you really want to stay the other woman? I'm sure you have more self respect than that. May allah guide you and forgive you sister and inshallah you find the strength to stop interfering in this mans marriage. I suggest you stay away from him or you will end up hurt and humiliated.
Sister, just leave this man. Can't you see that he is using you.
He is married to someone else. Let him go and maybe he can repair his marriage. But as long as you are around, you are putting 4 kids at risk of a serioulsly unhappy marriage. Why are you upset that they had sex, they are allowed,.....but not you. His wife should be upset he is in a relationship with you.
And when does a man with 3 and another kid on the way have time to spend with you!! He should be with his family.
It shows you the quality of the man. He should be at home helping raise his kids, not running around with you.
How would you like if your husband cheated on you?
Sister, you may love him, but he is just using you for sex and making promises to you that won't happen.
Pick yourself up, remove yourself from this man, make lots of dua and ask Allah for strength to move on and be on the straight path. Fear Allah sister, because you are being watched and your deeds are being written, do not even go near this man.
I know your heart is broken, but When you give something up for Allah he will replace it with something much better. But if you follow shaitan, you will stay in this state of sin and heartbreak.
May Allah give you strength.
The whole mistake is YOURS , you should be ounished fir your mistake
what a kind woman you are sadia! just the way a muslima should be when giving advise!
Sisters like Sadia make me wonder of how perfect they are to not have been able to slip or faulter.
I used to think I was perfect myself when in 28yrs of my life, I never dated but only to fall for a lie with sweet words of a future marriage that never happened. Only to have this brother marry someone else and still haunt and taunt me while he is married.
We all make mistakes Sadia. You are not perfect.
SAdia, What kind of person you are? Just because you are not in this lady situation u have no right to say all this? And why must people keep blaming the other party but not the husband itself? I'm pretty sure the husband itself must throw sweet words and empty promises everything just to get what he want and how evil and unfair can that be. I have been in that lady situation so I know how hurting it is even up till now I still cant forgive and feel anger and resentment toward the guy, we also human and have feeling and sometimes we cant control this feeling when the guy told pathetic story and play with our feeling just to satisfied himself but that doesn't mean she supposed to be condemn! Wait till u put in the same situation then you know how she feel!
Assalam alaikum Sister,
First of all, anything I write is not meant to hear hurt you or judge you just in case you percieve it that way.
Yes, you have committed a sin and it is good that you realize that. The thing that I didn't understand was why you feel cheated on by his wife or why do you feel that she does not have a healthy relationship with him? If you are going by what he is saying, then you seem to think that people do not lie--you appear very naive.
As already mentioned, Allah created a system for a man and woman to marry and anything outside that system will only wreak havoc. You specifically asked if we think he wants to be with you - and in reading what you wrote, I would have to say a big no. He is not interested in you, he doesn't respect you, and nor would he want for his daughter what he is doing with you. I don't know what your situation is at home, but it isn't normal for a young girl to get this seriously involved with a married man. I really believe you are trying to fill a gap or hole inside of yourself and you are filling that hole - but not with wholesome things that will feed your soul, but with poison that is toxic for your mind, body, and soul.
Sister, regardless of whether you marry this man in the end, for now please step back and see this situation like a stranger would. Get past your emotions and re-read your post as if someone else wrote it. What would you say to that girl? Skim through the archives on this site and you will find numerous other stories such as yours, so do not let shaitaan trick you into believing that this is somehow unique in any sense.
I advise you to stop all contact with this man. Realize that what you have done is a grave sin. Ask Allah swt to forgive you, to calm your emotions and soul, to give you patience, to prevail, to learn your lesson, to be wiser. If he truly wants to marry you, he should approach your wali, but you can't make him. So focus on the things that you can do. You had an abortion - you say you weren't ready - but did you ask that baby if it was ready to leave this world before even entering it? There is more at stake here than just your feelings. Who is going to care for his wife, their children? If he doesn't want to be married her, he should have freed her so that she could move on or re-marry - but maybe the truth is that he couldn't bear to see his wife gone or worse, married to someone else...so meanwhile, he has said and done what he had to do to keep you in this situation.
I don't think he will tell his wife anymore than you will tell your family. Rather than being a victim, take charge of your life and feed your soul with good things: prayer, remembering Allah swt, seeking guidance. You will never attain happiness or contentment on the path you have taken anymore than one can expect to see the sun at nightfall. Somehow you have become a slave to your desires and it has created this impulsivity that has clouded your judgement. You have the power to stop this now and I pray to Allah that you immediately take the right steps - May Allah guide you to the right path, give you the strength to committ to the right path and bless you with contentment and patience, Ameen.
Assalam alaikum to the Editors,
I just wondering why the comments have suddenly been closed on "Dealing with an immigrant husband." - I have read all the comments and don't see a reason for why this happened and some people could have offered some advice or personal experiences to the sister.
Sorry for writing here as I wasn't sure where else to post this. Please delete this comment if need be.
Wa alaykum as-salam. I don't know why. I'll ask the other Editors.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Looks like it was accidental. I have reopened it. Thank you for pointing it out.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
JazakAllah
I would say run away from this loser he is just using you for his pleasure which is so sad to hear a young sister like you who doesn't respect herself from this evil person!! Shame on him I have no respect for people like that, because my husband cheated on me till this day he hasn't told me the truth about cheating but Allah doesn't hide anything I doin out on my own and he will answer to Allah one day just like you!! End of the day this man is with his family and you? Alone!! You are way better off without him can't you see he is lying to you? Shame shame for doing this to his wife!!! And he is a lier he loves his wife wayyyy more then you!! So sorry plz stay far far away don't break this family up trust me what goes around comes around!! I'm sorry my English isn't really good!! You will find a better Muslim brother that is SINGLE!!
Assalaamualaikam
Sister, in your heart you most likely already know that this affair won't lead to anything good. If this man wished to take a second wife, he could do so in a halal way; likewise, if he wished to divorce his wife, he could do so in accordance with Islamic guidance. He has done neither of these things, despite the length of time he has been saying he will.
You say he hasn't had a proper relationship with his wife, but they have remained married and had children while he has been telling you this - actions often speak louder than words, and the actions here don't seem to be those of a man who intends to leave his wife or enter into a halal second marriage.
My honest advice to you, sister, would be to step back from this relationship. Whether or not you still believe he wants to be with you rather than his wife, pre-marital romantic relationships aren't acceptable Islamically, and it's important for you to take steps to remove un-Islamic aspects from your life so that you can repent and recover - if he wishes to marry you, either as a second wife or following a divorce from his wife, he should approach your family with a marriage proposal which can then be considered.
I think it's important for you to re-connect with Islam and sincerely repent for the transgressions of the past few years. InshaAllah learning more about Islam and strengthening your relationship with Allah will help you to heal from these trials. You mention that you could not see yourself with another person after the sins you have committed, but it is taught that if we sincerely ask Allah for forgiveness, He loves to forgive us.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Salam editor,
I really like the way you give advise and do not judge by the sin of other people. I have been in this lady situation and up till now I still hate him & can't forgive the guy for playing with my feeling and throw all those poisonous sweet word even though I have already push & tell him so many times to leave me alone but due to his persistent chasing and pathetic story of his marriage it make me stupidly believe him till I lose my dignity and my career. Therefore, I really can feel how this lady feel and on behalf of her after I have read your advice I really appreciate and like to thank you for not judging her/us.
May Allah SWT make it easy on you and may Allah SWT remove the unhealthy love that you have for this man.
You will feel so much pain. So much so that you will wish that you were never born. And this pain will begin when you finally decide to cut off communication with this man completely. You will feel like your heart is squeezed to the point that you literally feel a stubbing pain in your heart. You will cry tears and you will hurt so bad.
You will not be able to forgive him and even yourself. Even after a year, you will be angry and so much hate filled inside you that you will only pray the worst for him. Then guilt will kill you slowly until you start hating yourself. It will hurt and it will hurt so bad, I promise.
But that hurt, pain and cries are the side effects of cutting this man off from you and the result is that you will start to heal.
But know this:
You will not find relief unless you ask for help. No one can help you not even yourself. Only GOD can. Your Creator. The Controller of your heart.
NB/This man WILL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE.
And HE WILL NOT EASILY let you go. He will stalk you because he won't believe that you could cut him off. It will confuse you and you will start thinking that he truly wants you. But NO, Wallahi he does not want you, even if he stalks you. It's just his ego that is bruised. Then he will become mean and insulting even threatening when he realizes how serious you are. But don't back down. All he will be trying to do is find a method to heal, because he will be hurting too. He will find any means possible to get you back hooked on this sick r/ship. And i mean any other way or means. So be careful.
I know this and I wish someone told me or showed me the result of the consequences
I know. Wallah! I swear I know that pain. Because I am still in the process of healing.
How long has it been for you since you cut off ties with him? Word for word as you explained that's what I'm going through. Do you think you will ever love another man the same?
Salaam Sister Lisa,
It has been almost a year since he got married. I cut him off completely. On his wedding night, I went out of state for the weekend to visit my brothers (by birth-no room for misunderstandings). I came back and zealously begged Allah for mercy. I was starting to heal but he wouldn't let me be. He started following me, showing up to my place of work and even at home. Telling me what a mistake he has made and that he is "thinking" of leaving his wife. Its almost a year and he hasn't left her yet. Lol, I laugh because, I wonder if he thinks that I am still naive?. There is more to my story but I really don't want to have the editors shut down this post (this sister's situation relates to many of us out there and the replies are very helpful). Anyway, at the end I asked my sister to intervene and warn him to leave me alone. I still cry out of pain for my mistakes. But I am learning from them. And to answer your question; Yes! I believe that "I WILL SOME DAY -INSHA'ALLAH- LOVE MY FUTURE HUSBAND WITH MORE PASSION-BUT WITHIN THE ISLAMIC PERIMETERS"...Because anything is possible with Allah SWT....... (I just want that day to come very soon:) )
OMG! This pain and suffering and turmoil, I have been going through too for last year. He also got married last year, and he's been coming to my work place and telling e he made a huge mistake in marrying her. I had to quit my job for fear I would get weak and go back to him. For all the sins I have committed with, I am sure now paying the price. I have high anxiety, lost 40 lbs, am losing my hair, am having nightmares, and am severely depressed.
No human is worth losing your weight, hair and means. I love my food and dont miss a meal, i have a great career not worth losing it on a mere human and my health is very important. I cry though and I hurt too. It is okay to cry because I realize once I am done crying to Allah SWT I feel alot better. It hurts, but the way I see it is that we have to pay for our mistakes. I gave up on him the minute I found out he got married. It hurts very much and at times I cry. But its more so because I am mad at myself for allowing myself to get involved in a haraam relationship.You are giving him too much power, which belongs to none other than Allah SWT. Try getting your family member to intervene or even get a restraining order. I got my family involved and he has backed off.
Sister Lisa,
Assalam 3aleykoum,
I really hope you can get the courage to post your concerns. Dont worry about other people's wrong judgements. Ultimately Allah SWT is the best of judges. We are here to help each other. I have suffered so much and I think you too. Posting here, reading other's situation and replying to problems really is part of a healing process. Dont be discouraged. May Allah SWT ease your pain and mine and May Allah SWT make it easy on us. Ameen
Best of warm wishes,
Sister Zahriya
Thank you sister Zahriya for your caring and concern and duas. Inshallah I will, but my story is extremely shameful and disgusting. But I do need advice and duas, because my pain does not seem to subside.
If you feel shameful of your past mistakes, then dont let it out. Allah SWT says to conceal your shame as He will conceal it for you too. If you need to let it out then confess only to Allah SWT in your prayers and no one else. Not even on here. However if you need advice then please let us know so we may help you in some way InshaAllah. We have all been through so much and in these times we need support and help. May Allah SWT make it easy on us. Ameen.
"Whosoever seeks forgiveness (from Allah) often, then Allah makes for him a good ending for every matter of concern and provides for him a way out of every tight situation. "
Related in Bukhari is a hadith that is known as the chief of Al-lstighfaar (i.e., of supplications with which one asks Allah for forgiveness):
"O' Allah, You are my Lord and none has the right to be worshipped except you. You have created me and I am your slave; and I am upon your covenant and promise as much as I am able to be. I seek refuge in you from the evil that I have perpetrated. I confess to you your favor upon me, and I confess to you my sin. So forgive me; for verily, none forgives sins except you."
Jazakallah khairun.
asslamoalikum almost one year ago i found this website i read problims and replies about problim just for my knowlege so i also can learn by someone mistakes.Allah show all of us right path and bless us with his mercy amin
Now its my humble request to u sister plz leave this person.he just doing time pass he made u preganat and same time his wife also.i am 100% sure he must brain wash and happy to abord baby while he lying that his wife hide that she preganant.he sleeping with wife and dnt know she preganat and wht a drama he told u same nite he going to told his wife abt u she told him she is preganat y he didnot tell her the nite he slept with her and make her preganat.you r saying its not teenage love but believee me if u ask a teenage have affair with 3 kids father while 4 on his way teenage will tell u no.See he having forth child and child he dnt want abord if u have that child he will look for anyother women for his lust not having same reponsibilties. plz plz see some one nice person get married and have nice life this man can cheat his wife after accepted her infront of Allah and world wht abt u.read replies all tell u one thing leave him ask forgivness frm Allah get married with nice person may Allah give u very lovly husband and nice family ami
For all unmarried girls and girls like u who slips in emotions plz u and ur bodies r very precious dnt make u and ur body food of someones lust.
feel so sorry for that man wife she is living such animal may Allah keep us and our daughters away frm such person amin
cut off all communication immediately! in one go! make yourself completely unavailable for any of his tricks. do it now now now ! never look back .no explanations. silence is a killer, use it on him!
if you look back its like quick sand, it will engulf you, like it has been for so long.
Allah will help you when you turn towards Him,He will be your strength . He has never left anyone unanswered ,when they ask Him.
when you feel like you would rather die than face this pain, open Quran randomly and start reading it,even translation. Inshallah Allah will show you the right path.
lots of love my sister, you have been fooled once dont be fooled from now onwards.
once you have moved on, NEVER NEVER NEVER mention this episode of your life to any one. its only between you and your Allah.
Sister Friend. Thank you. I know that your reply was meant for the Sister posting but it has hit a nerve with me. I have been very emotional since 2days ago and last night I have suffered one of those crying spells reliving the past mistakes. So coming here has been very helpful Alhamdulillah. I do pray that the Sister in question finds it helpful and healing too InshaAllah.
Zahriya, I found qayam.ul.layl very helpful too. when you are having those night when you just wished that for few moments you could be numb, just get up and offer prayers. it helped me a lot.
we all are here to help each other. to do good and to help ach other leave the sins.
when you feel heavy in your heart , say alhamdulillah, as the pain means that your imaan is still there and that you are turning to no one but Allah.
i also found that not giving yourself even a minute spare to dwell in the past then it becomes easier to move on. like listen to a scholars talk when you are going to bed ,or quran recitation.
going to gym also helps. i usually run faster when iam imagining iam runningaway from my sins or running towards Allah .
take care, love yourself, forgive yourself, respect yourself......because Allah does
JazakaAllah 🙂
Jazakallah Khair for your advice. I can't tell my family members about my situation because it would kill my father. If my parents found out about the haram stuff that I have done, they would absolutely disown me. My situation is so complicated and unbelievably disgusting. When I get the guts to post my problem I will go into details, but I'm so ashamed and I don't think that I am emotionally stable to deal with any backlash or judgements.
Salam sister,
Yes, I agree with you, sister in posting should start cut off communication immediately while he still yearning for you at least u still have the power to show him that you can live without him. Like what sister friend here said you have been fool once don't let him fool you twice and if you allow him to fool you twice the pain will be double, trust me I know coz I been in the situation. I allow him to fool me time and again till he finally turn his back on me whereas during the chasing he keep telling me he will never leave me and now I'm one left broken and fixing up the pieces whereas he happily back with his wife. What worse for me is that we colleague and is hard for me to cut off all communication with him unless I resign and that why is easy for him to keep fooling me time and again until he finally regain his strength to turn his back on me until I have to give up my career and the job that I which make me feel so regret, whereas he can still work there happily. Even up till now I'm still crying feeling regret with all the mistake that cost me my dignity and my career and is already 1 year plus and I'm still in the healing process. The pain is truly unbearable and only the person who have been in my shoes will understand it.
My dear sister. Emotional pain is so much more painful than physical pain.
http://www.facebook.com/notes/back-on-deen/muslim-advice-dealing-with-love-addiction-and-loss/297085760345963
I know what you are going through. Allah decreed your destiny whether you sin or not. But if you give up sIn and are obedient to Allah, though I know it's going to be so difficult, Allah will bless you with something unimaginably better. We don't know what his intentions with you are, but we do know that getting even near zina is haram. May Allah grant you ease and reward you with something better.
Assalam alaikum Lisa,
No one has any right to judge you (response to what you wrote above) and as soon as a Muslim thinks they are elevated in status above another Muslim, that very thought could very well lower them. I pray that Allah eases your difficulty and that you get the help when you need it, inn shaa Allah.
Jazakallakhair. I need all the dua I can get. I am suffering so much.
Salam Lisa,
Just like you, I also afraid to tell my problem with anyone cause I'm ashamed and know it will bring other people to backlash or judge me when I'm not even emotionally stable yet. I don't know what you going through but I believe somehow we might be going through the same problem with different process. Like you too, I can't tell my problem with my family too cause I know they definitely will be angry and disown me too especially when 3rd party is the cause of my sister divorced. I have tried going for counselling but it didnt help either neither I can't tell to anyone about my problem unless the person have go through the same situation as me. But nevertheless, though I'm still healing and trying to get through my regret for giving up my career and dignity, I manage to find solace in praying. Pray is the only thing that keep me moving despite all the hurt. Trust me last year is a difficult year for me, I keep crying almost everyday in work, at bus, going back home everywhere cause the pain is too much for me too bear. I even thought of killing myself and hate God for allowing all this to happen. Is really not easy year for me cause I living with a pain everyday and sometimes other day can be extremely painful. So sister, u not alone I pray that Allah will ease your pain and mine so that we able to move on from this pain just like you said emotional pain is much painful then physical pain.
assalamu alaikum,
sister you are upset he impregnated his own wife?
he is just manipulating you for his own pleasure. period. keep lying to yourself and you will spend many of years waiting for him while he is living his life. he can tell you whatever he wants..to keep you waiting longer and buy time.
if he does it with you he will with anyone he has no respect for himself or his marriage. I HOPE you get tested for STDs and im scared for his wife.
sister move on. a real man wouldnt waste your time...why would you want a man that cheats on his wife? he will do the same to you...and dont ever think of marrying him.
My hearts goes out to his wife more than anything....I was dumbfounded and baffled by the fact that you feel hurt and betrayed by the fact that he slept with his wife....IT'S HIS WIFE, and you're the woman he's cheating on his wife with, simply put....
There's nothing I can say except ask Allah for forgiveness and make an honest tawba, focus on your relationship with Allah and ask him to grant you a pious husband.....and please leave this man alone, there's too much damage done here by both of you...allow him to make tawba and to fix his marriage.
Do this ASAP, tomorrow is not promised sister.
Agree
Aslamualikum to you all,
I am speechless, What? has my Muslim brothers and sisters come down to this>
This is Flat out wrong on your part and his, I am hurt for the sister he is married to, Good god, It is indeed signs of day of Judgment in near.
My advice to you is :Repent my sister, tomorrow isn't a promise, today is a gift to you, Pray and May Allah have mercy on your soul and his.
*subhanallah walhamdulillah astaghfirullah wallahu akbar*
Salam sister,
I know I shouldn't say this, but I somehow can't feel you looking down on her mistake. Yes, the sister whom guy married is hurt but don't forget the girl in post is also human being and do have feeling too and as much as the sister is hurting she hurting too. I'm not trying to said what she did is right but sometimes certain things can't be control cause ultimately we are all human. On top of that, at least the wife still have the husband but the sister she losing her dignity and everything and yet I believe she can't even tell or share stories with anyone else afraid that she will be judge and condemning just like how u did. I have been in her shoes before therefore I know how hurting and painful process it is feeling all alone without no proper support and sometimes it can lead to thinking of commit suicide cause the hurt is so unbearable. U can blame her and side with the sister he is married but u don't know the real situation therefore, I appreciate u don't judge both situation based on the story alone. In times like this, I feel what we have to do is to guide her with the right word not preaching or condemning her so that she will have the motivation to turn to Allah.
Quote from zawaj.com:
So do you see, it is Shaytan's goal to lead us astray. He knows that fulfilling one's sexual desires is a basic human need, and he also knows it is a sin to fulfil this need with anyone but our spouse, so he fuels our desire in order to blind us and make us fall. It is reported that some of the Prophets said to Iblis, "By what did you defeat the son of Adam?" He said, "At the time of anger and at the time of desire".
Salam Sister,
I feel like crying when I read this, though I know is wrong of me to say this but I'm grateful that you post this coz it make me feel that I'm not alone encountering this problem alone which I still struggling right now, u such strong sister to be able to post this despite knowing that you will somehow be judge. I thank Allah to let me see there few other people which going through the same kind of situation just like me. After reading all the comment I will not even bother want to said here what exactly happen to me cause I know there will be a lot of people condemning and judging person like us without even knowing the REAL story. So just like what sister Zahriya and friend mentioned just cut off the communication!! Especially when he still yearning for you coz that the only way for you to show him that you can live without him and like sister friend said silence is killer, use it on him to take revenge or whatsoever but don’t ever let him take advantage of your situation just like what I’m going through. He only using you for himself because think IF he really loves you he will not want to hurt you and impregnated you and dragging you to hell. IF what he says is true that he having married problem with his wife and they only talk about kids then why he still having intercourse with his wife and still with her? Even if is true what he said, shouldn’t he settle his problem and divorce his wife first before coming to you so as not to hurt you? So don’t trust whatever he said, just like what my friend said to me this kind of guy they only want the best of both worlds and they don’t even bother about two parties feeling. They are SELFISH person and they will throw all kind of sweet poisonous word to feed you so that he can get what he want.
I know it really really really difficult and so so painful when you have to cut off communication and sometimes you even want to go back to him, but calm yourself down and think rationally so not to ever have him fool you twice sister, because if you allow him to fool you twice the pain will be double just like what I have to go through. I have go through all this and I know how painful it is and the worst thing is that he was my colleague last time and we have to meet each other and cause of all this I have to give up my career which I have been trying and work hard for cause before I enter to that company I was being fired by my previous company. So think how tough it is for me to deal with it cause I’m not only losing my dignity but also my career which I try to build up and yet everything have been destroy while he can get everything he wanted. Like you, I’m also naïve and never been in relationship before and therefore I blindly believe every single word of him and keep giving him chance to go back to him everytime he pleaded when we breakup until the time he finally make me fall hard by giving me empty hope and promises and by that time I already fall hard & is hard for me to let him go, that where he turn his back on me.
I know why u feel hurt and can’t forgive him when you get to know he slept with his wife, is because u feel cheated and betray that whatever he said is all lies and the worst thing is that he make u pregnant and get yourself abortion which is huge sin whereas he still can do intercourse with his wife. Being in your shoes I know exactly how it feel so sister this guy is scumbag and jerk, after what he have done to you do you think he will leave his wife? Trust me, definitely NO and how I know it coz I been in your shoes and I also get to know he actually still with his wife by accidentally saw him fetching and sending his wife to work and that where I feel so betrayed that I feel all those time that I did for him even give up my career and dignity for him is all for NOTHIN!!!! Therefore, sister forget about him I know is not easy and the hurt is extremely painful but pray, trust me pray can help you and make your pain lesser. Make solat tawbah and talk to Allah your problem and everything and though I know is not right to say it even if you want Allah to punish him for what he did to you, then tell Allah about it & whether Allah want to punish him or not is up to HIM but for your part all you need to do is pray. If you can’t forgive him yet for what he did to you then don’t forgive, focus on getting better first the rest leave it to Allah. I know is not easy at the beginning and you feel as though like Allah is not listening to you coz it seem nothing happening but you have to keep doing consistently and trust me as time pass by it will get better. This is what I experience last year and last year is totally painful year for me whereby I keep crying every single day, at work, at bus, going back to work etc and is like HELL to me that I even think of suicide coz die is better then deal with this emotional pain. No one seem to understand me and I can’t talk to anyone about it cause I know people will judge so Allah is the only one I can talk to and now Alhamdullilah though I still have not heal completely yet cause I still struggling to move on and stop with this regret and unfairness that I feel but I have to admit the pain is no longer that unbearable as compare to last year.
I know for now, u can’t see yourself with anyone and only want him to be your husband cause maybe due the sin both of you have done and he has given you high hopes and talk about your future marriage with him etc & that where you have set and visualize your mind to only want him alone no one else. But sister, this thing can be change and all you need to know is to change your perception of mind. I know you feel is unfair and you concern and scared that there will be no guy to accept you after all this sin, and yes I admit I too have that feeling too since I have always been unlucky in love but somehow I still want to hope that there will still be good guy out there that love & accept us for who we are not based on our past. So sister, heal yourself and your pain first the rest you can think about it later. I hope and make dua that Allah will heal your broken heart and may you meet someone better then that guy. Amin..
Salaam sister,
It was actually quite painful to read your post, it was good of you to ask for advice but really what you and this man are doing is very wrong. Perhaps the reason why he doesn't have a good relationship with his wife is because of you ? You mentioned you feel mentally hurt etc but can you imagine how hurt his wife would be of she found out. She has rights over him as his wife, which you don't. What you are doing is selfish, you are not only ruining your life but in the process you may be ruining the life of this mans wife and their children.
If he is still sleeping with his wife, and it seems he does not want to tell her about you then its quite clear that he still cares for her and is protecting her from being hurt.
If I were you as difficult as it may be I would walk away ! Cut off all contact, block him and change your number. He is a married man, let him concentrate on his wife and children, do not help him sin.
Repent, and focus on yourself, and start life from a new chapter.