Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is a love marriage allowed in Islam?

Hearts linked in love

AoA brothers and sisters I've got this personal problem that I wanted help on. I study in a private school, one of the best in the country, in Islamabad. We have co-education and I've been brought up in this environment. I have a very religious family who do not believe in love marriages or anything. Now a few months ago I felt so attracted to a girl and I started liking her a lot and I used to think about her all the time.

She's not in the same school as me. We started seeing each other and I prayed to Allah with all my sincerity that I could make her mine. Right now I'm around 20 and I will insha Allah get married around 26-28 as per family tradition. Now we hardly meet once every 2 months. The problem is that recently I heard a hadith stating that a man should not hold a 'na-mehram' woman's hand etc. We haven't been physical apart from holding hands. Is this hadith validated? Secondly what is the proper procedure in Islam for me? I can't stop talking to her through text as I fear we may lose contact.

She is a very religious girl but her family is not too keen on religion. So how should I proceed? Once again if there's any way possible for me to stay in contact with her throughout the time that we are still na-mehram? And then I know it's a bit early to ask but how do I tell my family about her? This is a general question and I want your personal opinions. My father is a bit open to me regarding such stuff but my mother is very strict and in our family the concept of love marriage is frankly speaking very much hated.

So how and when should I tell my family about her. I would've told my family right now but I fear that I do not have knowledge of the future and only Allah knows whether I am actually destined with her so I do not want to look dumb and tell my family now and if Allah forbid things don't go right and what I plan isn't Allah's plan then it will be quite embarrassing for me. Kindly help me out.


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40 Responses »

  1. Salaam.

    Strictly speaking a love marriage is allowed in Islam provided the love doesn't cross Islamic boundaries and enter into the haraam. What people find more difficult is determining whether or not they are crossing boundaries.

    "The Prophet SAW said it is better for a man to have a steel nail driven through his head then to touch the palm of a strange woman. hadith"

    It is true that even hand shaking or hand holding between non - mahrams of opposite gender is not allowed. So if you are holding her hands then yes you are crossing limits and it is haraam.
    There are also levels of zina - which are haraam.

    It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has decreed for every son of Adam his share of zina, which he will inevitably commit. The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, one may wish and desire, and the private parts confirm that or deny it.”

    Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5889; Muslim, 2657.

    It is not permissible for the Muslim to long for the things that lead to zina, such as kissing, being alone, touching and looking, for all these things are haraam and lead to the greater evil which is zina.

    So it is fine if you admire someone or you see a girl you wish to marry and you approach her via her mahram for marriage.

    So talking to her casually or lovingly is also not permissible.

    The correct way to approach her Islamically is through her family. When you have done this you can meet her with her family present and speak to her in this setting. It is not permissible for a man and a woman to be alone together if they are non-mahram. They must have a third party present - ideally the girl's mahram. Brother if you truly love this girl, show it by respecting her. It is not right for you to be meeting her behind her family's back (both Islamically and morally) and holding hands with her etc.

    If you really love her honour her by requesting to speak to her family and seeking her hand in marriage. Look to try and make her your wife rather than your secret girlfriend.

    I can't stop talking to her through text as I fear we may lose contact.
    If you are right for each other and meant to be, stopping contact will not be a barrier for you to marry her.

    My advice to you is to refrain from contacting her. Give her the reasons and if you are interested in getting to know her for marriage then do ask her if you can speak to her family with the intention of getting to know her for marriage. Not necessarily marriage. But you have a right to meet girls in the proper Islamic way and find out if you are compatibile and if she is wife material.

    As for keeping contact with this girl you can meet her with your families' present and speak to her then as long as the talk does not fall into the haraam.

    Dear brother you say you fear it's too soon to tell your family about her. Those fears are understandable - but on the contrary it is most often better. One for the obvious Islamic reasons - it avoids falling into sin if you are meeting with your parents present. Also it is always best to check that your families are OK with the 'potential spouse.'
    Look around on this site and you will see many examples of guys/girls who have fallen in love, (sometimes 'halal' other times haraam')and they have kept it from their parents. What is the usual result? When they eventually tell their parents - their parents say 'no' and the couple end up splitting up after so long. They are now very attached and so breaking up is very difficult.
    But had they had followed the Islamic way and approached parents from the start - if they couldnt marry each other then they were not so attached and could leave if need be. So following the laws Allah swt created protects us from all sorts of trouble

    Make tawbah for this relationship with this girl and start the other approach which is within Islamic boundaries.

    You say in your culture you marry around aged 26-28. That is too late if you are in 'love.' Seek marriage as soon as possible - the Prophet (SAW) advised us to marry young if we are able. So if after approaching her parents, meeting her properly, meeting her family, asking the right questions to determine if you want the same things and doing Istikhaarah (scroll to top of page and read links on istikhaarah qs and As). If you then still want to marry each other then ask your families for permission to conduct a small nikah. If you have little money and you can't live together you can still do a nikah and this will allow you to be together as husband and wife. When you are financially stable then you can move in with her. (If your family insist on a big wedding try compromising and asking if you can have another big wedding before you move in with her - (ruksati))

    Sara Editor

    • very impessive , u really did good job and u also helped me becz i was confuse that islam does permit of love mariage or not ? but u explained it in a good way ,,,,,,,,,,,, jazakallah

    • Dear sister,
      I have a question, if a married women fallen in love with other man and she's planning
      to get married with his boy friend then ready to leaving is husband

      • Assalaamualaikam

        A married Muslim, whether man or woman, should not be engaging in extramarital relations, and should take care to lower their gaze and avoid private communication with non-mahrams of the opposite gender.

        If you require specific advice for your situation, please submit your question as a new post for publication, and it will be answered in turn, inshaAllah.

        Midnightmoon editor

  2. Brother you should stop contacting this sister immediately its haram to spend time with a non-mahram.

  3. Do what you think is right. If you truly love her and she loves you, get married.Make sure you two are right for eachother. Just do not do anything bad.A marriage based on love will last forever. Do not let close minded individuals convince you different. Keep Allah in mind and do not do what you think is wrong. I will pray that you two may live/love togather and get married.

  4. Brother, quit contact with this girl, if she's religious herself, she would understand Islam's rules for sure. Fear Allah.

  5. i thnk u should to ur parents and i hope they will say yes

  6. even i m suffering same problm i love a guy n i cnt live widout him
    i dt no wat to do
    plz.. help

    • Assalaamualaikam

      If you need advice, please submit a description of your situation as a new post for publication, rather than as a comment on an existing post. It can then be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.

      Midnightmoon editor

  7. If you are saying that its haram to talk to a non mehram to i advice you to practice it first than told others not to talk to non mehram
    its just our culture problem and nerrow mindness of people its just a kind of stupid decision taking by parents to ruined their children's live just because of what world say .... parents dont have guts to take their children side , the are just trying to put their decision on their children its not so simple to do this in now days boys and girls are mature and educated they know how to handle their lifes and they can take batter decision than the parents who are getting old and not upgrading their mind with world.
    Every one stop taking advice to these kind of side for god sake its all fake these are those who ruined their life and now try to doing others
    and if you are really 100% sure that man or women can get great life by having arrange marriage so give them surety.
    If really have solid answer about this so give me ? I am waiting

    • I think ... no one has guts to reply you here .. u did rock ... man . ..

    • Awesome bro . We Muslims dont know the proper rules about Islam . Seriously Any thing that ruins life cant be great

    • Superb
      We all know what are limits of islam
      What is zina and its punishment
      Taking or texting in respectful way is not a sin at all
      As Allah knows we never even touch each other or talk in obscene language etc.
      Secondly Pakistan is a country where parents are ruining lives just to show of to the society that our kids are so obedient and they have no right to choose their partner
      Islamic republic state never allow us even to tell parents openly :'(
      May Allah almighty bless us all with loved ones in Halal relationship ameen sum ameen
      Keep praying and don't cross limits
      But texting and contacting is not a sin unless you cross your limits there

  8. i also love to some one . he loves me bt cannot merry me due to his famely, and he is goin to austrelia after 4 months for job and study, i can not stope him , as well as i cannot live without him . i will die without him , i m too much depress now, . i dnt know what i do.???? i will die.

  9. assalam alaikum to all brothers and sisters!.
    i am giving you guys a situation,
    There is a boy who respect his girl alot!. he never thinks of any kind of sexual desires with her!. he never gets physical with her, example touching her hand and etc. they both are normal at their religious obligations!. they just like to meet each other and talk to each other normally. they both are just seventeen!. so thus cannot get married!. but want to, when they get into their twenties.
    so kindly tell me the gunnah they both will receive and what should they both do?
    because they have a bond which cannot be broken. And yes! there families are also cool with love marriages. And there families also like them as a couple.
    so should they continue their pious relationship? or not?

    • They should not continue their relationship. If their bond is strong then it will be there when they are ready to marry. If not, then it was never meant to be in the first place. And don't put off marriage too long. Do it as soon as you are ready.

      Wael Editor

  10. I luv one girl a lot nd she also Luvs me alot nd we wnt to marry each other, she has talked with her family about our relationship bt her family told directly no, so what should we do at this movement we wnt to marry eachother we luv eachother,

  11. Please tell me the Islamic way for engaged couples.whether they can talk whatever through cell phones or others?

    • Depends on what you mean by "engaged". Many people of the subcontinent say engaged when they have already had a nikah but not a "rukhsati". They are actually married, and can talk about anything. If they are not married, then they should take care to discuss only subjects that are halal, with the intention of getting to know each other better for the purpose of determining marriage suitability.

      Wael Editor

  12. asaalam-o-alaikum to all brothers and sisters!

    i am facing a difficult situation and i need help.
    i am doing job in government office. a couple of months ago i started talking to a boy who is working with me but in a different section. we started to talk to each other and decided to meet out side.
    in first meeting he proposed me and he told me that he loves me. i talked to my mother that he wants to send his family but my mother refused me by saying we have fixed your marriage in family.
    i am not interested in family marriage because all my cousins are narrow minded.

    now the issue is my family fixed my wedding and i don't want to do this. i love that boy. he respects me a lot. his family is good. we are planning about court marriage.

    what will i do now either go for court marriage or left this boy and also leave my family?

    i need solution as quickly as possible please.

    • In Islam you have a right to make your own choices regarding marriage partners. And cousin marriage (especially when it is practiced constantly) is not genetically healthy. I think you should go ahead and marry the man of your choosing.

      If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post.

      Wael Editor

      • i am only daughter and my father died in 2007 and my mother thinks that i am not mature enough for any decision.

        without thinking of my family shall i go for court marriage?

  13. Very informative article. As my opinion the Love marrige is allowed in Islam.
    Because Islam is natural religion.

  14. very nice information about love marriage ......... thnxxxxxxxxxxx all of u ..............

  15. Love Marriage... Must Watch

  16. When you are about 24 say it clearly to parents that you like her and obviously they will give you their decision GOOD LUCK BRO I SUPPORT YOU!

  17. AOA
    i am a 16 year old student. i want to ask that is it ok to be innocent friends with a na mehram boy.

    • Z, it's not a good idea. No good can come of it, and conversely it could easily lead you into sin or heartbreak. It's best to avoid it.

      Wael Editor

  18. Iam muslim she is also muslim and my family and her family also muslim. I were friend at her in school 2 years then after 2 year she started to hate me.then I left school.because I got job. Can I meet her or try to get her without forcing her by doing some plan if she hates me i didn't propose her in islam.

  19. Aoa!I want to share my problem that me and my Cousin had been in relationship for 5 months after that our families came to know about it and then we were forbidden to talk by our parents...but we still love eachother.and we are very asshamed and ask ALLAH to forgive our sins.but we only chat and was never in any physical relationship we are no more in contact but he once told me that i will come to talk to your parents for you..but my mother is not in his favour because he is not really rich and his father got seperation from his mother for his second mother thinks that the guy will do the same..but before knowing about our relationship my mother really likes him and supported him in every matter.i love him alot and i love my family too.i am confused whether i convince my family or leave that guy.

  20. I m only 16 and I love a guy from heart . he also loves me . we can't tell our families bcz my family is too strict and I m only 16 . we just meet and talk . we meet after many months and just talk by sitting apart from each other and having distance . he is a cadet and we talk after many time and just say hello hi for five minutes then by for a long time . we want to marry each other but we have to wait . I m tensed that what I m doing ( right or wrong ) . I can't live without him . we both understand each other . plz help me what to do

    • First, you can live without him. Second, I recommend not continuing your meetings at this time, as it may lead you into haram after a while. When you are older and ready to marry, let him come to your family with a proposal.

      Wael Editor

      • Actually as I have told u he is a cadet and comes here just for a few days we meet hardly two times in a year and I m sure that I will never do anything haram . next question is can i talk to him just to know how is he going ? Or to confirm his health ? Just for 5 minutes on call ?after long time not daily

  21. If you love someone that is a believer, why is religion of one prominant over the other? Is it beacause the men want to sow their oats with more than one wife. That is always the 1st topic, of the do you feel about multiple wives? If the man is not interested in having more children than why is he wanting more wives?

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