Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In love with a man who is now married, and want him to stay away

cousin marriages

Salam brothers and sisters,
Nearly 5 years ago when I was still a christian I met this Muslim man that I ended up having a relationship with. I later understood how wrong this was as six months into our relationship I reverted to Islam and just fell in love with it.

Its the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. It gives me the answers for all the thing I have been looking for the whole of my life. But sadly I am struggling with my deen as that man is still a big part of my life. He showed me Islam and he is very important to me.

I would go as far as to say I love him dearly but feel wrong for saying so as he is now married with a family. I have told him I am looking for a husband and we should no longer have contacted as it is wrong for us to do so. But he only stays away for a short time. I have been using a Muslim marriage website to find a husband as I have no family to help me and thought I may have found him on there.

His wife now knows he had been coming to see me and she has been trying to contact me. I told him what had happened and so he came to see me. He made me promise to never talk to other men that I was his and he has taken my log in details for my social media site just to make sure I keep my promise. He says he loves me and I couldn't bring myself to disobey him so I called off meeting the man that I may have married from the website and I don't no what to do. His wife is very angry as I would be if I was her.

I have prayed and I am trying to concentrate on my deen. But I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I thought maybe becoming his second wife would help, but his wife will not allow it and I don't want to cause her any more upset. She would leave him and take the children and I can't let that happen. I have prayed for them both but I am still in this same situsation. I have done Istikhara but I just can't stop the desire to be his wife from my mind. Everyday my feeling get stonger.

I know Allah is merciful and I put my trust in him as He knows best. In the mean time I feel helpless and worried that I am not strong enough to keep him away. It has been going for five years. Any helpful advice would be a great help as I can't carry on like this.

Salam
Jamila

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78 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum Jamila,

    I am delighted to know that you chose Islam and you love it. I want you to understand one thing: Allah May Guide any of His servants through any source. But that source need not be adopted after the reversion to Islam. You should accept what Allah Destined and what you deserve best.

    The man led you to Islam, but may not be accepted, as it will lead to the destruction of his home and that of the woman he is married to. He is contemplating extra marital affair. It is serious, sister. You should disobey this man and move far away from him and warn him to do the same.

    You may love him, but he is out of your bounds, out of your reach. Perhaps Allah Has a better plan for you. He led you to Islam, He chose that you be one among the millions to see the Truth. Islam is not limited to just 'love' and afterall, this love is not something Islam encourages, infact it is highly discouraged.

    Living in his would only amount to losing yourself or weakness in your faith. Revive your faith and stay on the Path Allah Chose for you, the path of His Prophet Sallallahu Alauhi Wasallam, the path that the Sahaabah Radiyallahu Anhum followed, the path that all of the other Salaf as Saliheen followed. Stay on it and learn about this path, that leads to Allah Himself. You will enjoy it and it will help you concentrate on Deen.

    If the man approaches you again, then tell him you are not bound by the promise and you will break it, as it was not a valid promise in the first place as it involved sin. Then tell him directly that you will NOT see him henceforth. Be strict, only then it will work. If you be kind and accomodating, then know that it will only make it more difficult for you in Deen.

    You are not obliged towards him at all. He did not show you Islam, Allah did. He was a source, who will be rewarded if Allah Wills. But if he sins, the sin is upon him. Your Aakhirah is not some place he can help you with. It is you who should worry about it and improve it. You are responsible for it, sister. You are answerable to Allah - not him.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. You are wasting your life on him, why would you want to do that?

    You said that you love Allah but your destroying a home?

    Its been five year and he hasnt made any move to be with you, do you REALLY want to be in this another 5 years? and lose out on someone who DOES wants to be with you? dont you want children of your own? :/ he is not your husband, why are you obeying him?

    Islam is wonderful and Allah is very merciful. i think you should sincerely repent and forget him because he doesnt want to be with you, its been five years :/

    Sister, i feel very sorry for you. and i sincerely hope Allah gives you strength to move on. You are losing the best years of your life on this person.

  3. Hmm.. Interesting.. You said you've done istikhara and the sign was?

    • I asked to talk to him today so we could sort things out once and for all. He told me how he has been so stressed and he is hurting so bad cause he wants to be with me but don't no what to do. I felt like crying for him. He loves me and wants to marry me but is afraid his wife will find out and mess everything up with his family He said he does care for her and would never see any harm come to her but he is not in love with her. He said he has always loved me and has prayed and research how he should deal with this and he wants Allah to answer his prayers cause it is making live so hard not doing the right thing. He wants to make our relationship halal he said. So I will wait hope and pray that he can cause I told him I can't carry on like this.

      Please pray for us that Allah will make it possible for us to marry
      and that I can make him happy again 🙂

      • Do you know you are potentially spoiling his marriage? So what if he doesn't love his wife.
        Please try to see this from his wife's shoes. Would you want your husband to be in love with another woman?
        Just think of what happened with my parents and the parents of countless others, just because their fathers could not control themselves.
        Please come out of your selfish mode, try to think of the situation from his wife and kids' perspective. You don't want to become the woman on the side who is responsible for another woman's misery, do you?
        I hate women who are so selfish that they mess with married men.
        From my dad's experience, MARRIED MEN ARE A NO GO ZONE!!!!!!!

        • I have don't nothing to his marriage. I just want him to do the right thing. He is lonely and wants to be loved. He thinks that marriage would be an option then I would be happy to. I would have no contact with his wife she wouldn't no anything about it as we wouldn't want her to be hurt. It is his right to marry a second wife if he chooses to. And if he feel its possible without hurting anyone then why is it so wrong?

          • Jamila, I understand what you mean. Anyone who answers you with "yes it is wrong" or "no it is right" will probably repeat everything that was recently said. There was a discussion over the issue of "polygamy" in the following post, which should help you:

            http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/leave-or-stay-polygamous-marriage/

            Abu Abdul Bari
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • brother abdul bari has given some good advice in the first post

          • How disgustingly selfish of you. Polygyny is a conditional permission, under very specific circumstances, not an unquestionable right.
            Have some compassion for the family you're trying to destroy and remember that if he can do it to her, he WILL do it to you.

      • in your comment you wrote saying that there are muslim who want sex before marrige i agree
        all the religion in this world dosnt matter what religion it is no religion allows sex before marrige there are so many good man and bad man out there there are so many man who will merry you and they will not ask for any thing there are so many good muslim when you meet the right person all you have to do is just pray
        reading your story i can say you are really really nice person and you deserve to be happy
        inshala one day you will be happy just keep on praying

        • aww thank you that was lovely. Inshalla I will be happy 🙂

        • There are religions which do not consider sex as sin. They even consider it as divine. They even promote it and with no restrictions. Please do research. I do not want to name it or discuss about it here on this forum. Only Islam is very particular about legal sex and illegal sex is considered as sin. It is the Mercy of Allah who is All-Knowledgeable. We all know what will be the consequences of unrestricted sex.

  4. Salaamu alaykulm seriously sister stop being his rebound. When you know better and Allah (swt) knows better why don't you practice patience in Allowing Allah to bring you someone all to yourself and better than this rubbish. You are a Muslim not a mistress!

    • Well I would just like to thank you all for judging me as some sort of evil home recker.In an ideal world I would agree with everything you are saying. But let me tell you a little more about myself. I have been married before and my husband had many women when he was married to me. So I can understand how she would feel as I have been there. I have done a lot of growing since then and know that things are not always as they seem. You should not be judging me that is Allahs job. I am a single mother with three children. They have no father in there life. This man is able to be not only the person that I would love for my children but for me too. If his family and wife were truely God fearing people they would see that he could do a very wonderful thing for me and my children. I don't think that is selfish. I think if more muslim would be more kind hearted they would be able to see that. All this stress and upset could be made right and in no way do I want him to hurt his life. I feel sorry for her truly. I just pray that Allah can give her peace too and help her see what a wonderful and kind thing he would be doing.

      • jamila you are absolutely right i think. Love is not a sin, divorce is not sin and second marriage is also not a sin. If Allah allows second marriage it means it is needed for some men, as Allah know better about human nature. people only suggest you the things thet are socialy rit or wrong but i understand your feelings.
        In this case two things are possible if his wife could be agree so u can be married otherwise he should give her divorce.
        now if you will get married with someone else it will make you guilty. and if your next husband will become know all this he will not do good with you anymore.
        Best of luck my dear and Jusst pray for your eeman, Whatever all is Your aakhirah is more important than all this.

  5. Salaams,

    Masha'Allah you reverted to Islam. The hardest part is to keep striving.

    However don't be so offended by these responses. You came for advice and the truth is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow.

    Love is blind and this man has just been using you. He has treated you like a plaything at his disposal and he has no right to be so controlling. If he loved you then why didn't he marry you instead of the woman who is now his wife?

    This type of man has no decency whatsoever. He's got too much to lose if he turns his back on his wife, not because he cares for her.

    Why would you now as a Muslim want to inflict the same pain on his wife as you previously suffered in your marriage? You need to cut connection completely and regain some self respect and not let yourself be used like this anymore.

    As for being a single mother, there are many who struggle alone to raise their kids but putting your hopes in a lowlife like that is not the way to go about things.

    • Wow you have know right to talk like that. You don't know the reasons for his marriage and again with all the judgement. His reason for marrying have something to do with this. He is a good husband to her. I came here for help and most of it has just been opinions. That not really helping. I was hoping for some Islamic facts. He is not a low life and polygamy was put in place for women like me. Allah is mercyful. Are saying Allah is wrong to have done such a thing? and that I should just be alone because other people do. My journey is my own and not other peoples. Allah knows best and if this man feels he is strong enough to take my children and me on then may Allah reward him for his good deeds. And if can't then may Allah heal his heart and set him free.

      Ameen

      • If he is in love with you, that shows you what type of man he is...in love with anothern woman while he has a wife at home. This isn't polygamy, its emotional cheating on his wife. What this guy is trying to do with you is the reason why Muslims are so averse to polygamy.
        You really are a selfish woman, like it or not.

        Do you want me to tell you my parents story? You were no different than 'her'.

        And if he feels 'lonely' and 'unloved' in his marriage and is trying to seek satisfaction elsewhere, then that tells us what kind of man, or rather idiot, he is.

        And no polygamy wasn't put in place for selfish women like you, a woman on the street with no family has more right to be someone's second wife than you who already has financial support. And there are so many other, including single, men out there that you can marry and will be willing to take care of ou and yoir kids?

        You do know what you are doing is haram, don't you?

        What you are going through is a temporary phase and will passin time, and I can guarantee you that if you follow your desires now then you will regret later.

        You came here asking for advice, but when people like me with experience in these matters showed you the wrongs of your ways, you displayed an attitude that only confirmed you are here not for advice in the light of Islam but only for others o support your selfish choices.

        You can hate me all you want pr calling you selfish now, but you'll thank me later. I can guarantee you that.

        P?s. From a person with experience

        • Well thanks you for your kind work. I'm selfish. Wow. If thats what you want to think then thats up to you. No wonder he is so worried about taking another wife because Muslim women don't like to share their men even if it is Allah will. I didin't come on here asking for you to support me to do something wrong. I was just trying to make things right. Now let me ask you this would you think it better for him to leave his wife, continue coming to see me when it is haram or would it be better to stay with her take care of her and take a second wife. I would rather he take care of his wife and for us get married. If thats selfish of me then oh well. He should do right by her yes? I'm not trying to break up his family or get him to leave his wife. Well like I said if its ment to happen it will and if not its out of my hands anyway regardless of what I want.

          • Yes that is pretty selfish.
            Just the other day I read of a woman whose story was similar to yours, only that she had a full-fledged affair with the guy before marrying him. Its prety sickening. You may think you are not selfish, but you are. We aren't here to tell you what you want after all.
            I don't even know if his wife will stay with your husband to he if you marry him.

            And its not compulsory for Muslim women to have to share her husband. His first wife has rights too, you know, in Islam. She may very well exercise them to leave them.
            Polygamy is not a commandment of Islam on men after all and neither are Muslim women required to live in it. Even the Prophet(SAW)'s daughter was about to leave her marriage until Ali(ra) gave up on his plan to marry a second wife.

            If you think first wives are selfish enough not to share their husbands, then look at it this way, they are also selfless enough to give you their entre husbands rather than share them. And is this guy the last guy left on Earth. Seriously?

            And would you be okay if he repeats this with another woman once you are his second wife? Would you tolerate him doing this with a third woman and then marrying a third wife?

            Anyways, my only advice to YOU is TALK to the first wife about the whole situation and see where you can go from there and discuss living in polygamy together.

          • Keeping it a secret and making her not know would be the same thing. Keeping it a secret from the first wife is HARAM.
            Since I sincerely want everything to go right for you, why don't you just discuss it with his wife to ensure all your lives run smoothly?
            Its as simple as that. Really. You are only creating problems for yourself.

          • There is a third option, too, you seem to forget about completely: and that is that you could simply leave married men alone and let them focus on their wives. Unless you're an animal with no self-control, you CAN indeed keep away from this man, don't say you can't. There are plenty of single men out there, why do you feel the need to impose yourself on someone who's already married and his entire family? Whether or like it or not, you do have something to do with his marriage when you're involved with him, don't kid yourself, please. It sounds like his wife wants nothing to do with polygamy so just forget about this man and being with him. To all of those who've told you that you're not doing anything wrong by trying to become a secong wife, I'd like to know how you're going to answer to Allah one day when Ge asks you why you intentionally entered a marriage, knowing it would break another. Or maybe all the pro-polygamists out there don't believe that a woman and man gets to be held responsible for intentional marriage breakage? Even though divorce is hated by Allah? Allah's hate for divorce is undermined by man's right to have 4 wives, no matter what?

            I could understand why you'd be desperate for this man if you lived in Sahara and there were no other men around you, but this is not the case - so have some consideration and respect for other peoples' marriages and butt out. You're divorced yourself, for God's sake, you should know how heartbreaking it is and not wish to put other women through the same thing! So yes, you being more concerned about your right to become a second wife, regardless of whose marriage it affects, IS indeed very, very, very selfish. What do you want to hear, that you're good person?

          • Salaam Adina

            Thanks you so much for sharing your opinion. I think I have it coverd. I'm just selfish.

        • Thanks you but I will not be taking any advice from yourself as you don't seem to be very nice and your very angry. And I think this is clouding your judgement. I will be doing nothing for now as I don't know what he has decided. And if it goes ahead I will not be meeting his wife. She will not no about me at all to save her from being hurt.

          • That would be haram. Islamically your husband has to inform his wife that he is marrying you because he is Islamically required to tell.
            And secret marriages are not allowed in Islam
            The Prophet(SAW) said 'Beat your drums loud' to announce the wedding.

            Look sister, this is arrogance. You are not even bothering to think about the questions I have just raised.

            WILL YOU TOLERATE HIM DOING THIS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN ONCE HE MARRIES YOU?

            There is a reason why I am calling you selfish. Do actually try and think about the points I have put up.

            It seems you only want to have YOUR piece of cake.

            And I am not angry. I am simply advising you as a brother in Islam to think about others before yourself. You may think I am not a nice person, but then you will thank me later once you face the repercussions of your decisions.

            And what is wrong with talking to his first wife and negotiating the issue so this can all go smoothly. You can marry him and secure a future for yourself and your daughters without facing problems from the first wife. Keeping it a secret won't help nor is it approved of in Islam.

          • I never said anything about keeping it a secret I just said she wouldn't no. If he wanted take a third wife I can't stop him thats his choice. But I wouldn't leave him for it. Thats his right.

        • Salaam Alaikum, Jamila and others here...

          I come from Islamic background so I would hope the sister would listen to me. Talha is 100% correct. Polygamy was put into place to protect women. It was not an "out" for a married man to marry his mistress. Dating is NOT allowed in Islam, period.

          Jamila, you are letting this man use you. If this man had any sort of honour, he would leave you alone so you could find a proper Muslim husband. He is thwarting and sabotaging you in so many ways. I have been there and still regret my actions to this day. I was foolish enough to get back in touch with a brother whom I dated when I was young and stupid. Fortunately, my life was not ruined but other people were hurt emotionally and I still cannot forgive myself. These sort of men only enjoy the control aspects of keeping a woman under their power knowing they will never leave the comfort of their family wives. Please do not listen if the man claims the wife makes him unhappy. More than likely, he has done this sort of thing time and time again with other women making her unhappy.

          Back to polygamy. A man who takes on another wife is supposed to treat all of the wives fairly, which is not an easy task as our hearts will take favourites. Think about the favourite friends you have. If you did enter into this sort of marriage, you would have to respect the first wife and understand that the husband is not all yours. Also, you have to realise that there may be a third and a fourth wife who may be younger and prettier than you. And, you would need to treat those wives with kindness.

          If you had any sense, you would have listened to the brother who posted first. Never did this man judge you or say harsh things. He kindly spoke the truth. I am not a religious woman. I have had a lot of issues with Islam but feel led back to it from reading this page. No one but Allah knows why I found this site on a random search online for something that had nothing to do with this issue.

          I am an American woman...a white woman. I was born into Islam but no one really practiced it except for Ramadan. I do know what Islam allows and does not allow. I have been on the haram side of things for most of my life. You have a chance to repent and to find a husband who wants you and your three kids. Don't blow it over this married man or your ego not wanting to listen to these sisters who know the religion.

      • Salam sister, I agree with you totally. I can understand you. Many people here think that he is cheating his wife and using you. Men, if want to have affairs will go for a young girl, but mostly won't choose a mother of 3. Islam allowed polygamy only as an exception to avoid certain social issues. Your case fits exactly here. You are a reverted Muslimah with 3 kids. You can marry him even without the permission from his wife. But, please think about her too, the pain she will be going through. Try to contact her, talk to her and convince her that her life and happiness will be secure. Try your best to convince her. If she agrees marry him. otherwise please leave him. You can get some other Muslim man who can take you as second wife or even an unmarried Muslim man can take you as his wife, in sha Allah. Be patient and pray. May Allah bless you. Ameen.

  6. Hello there.

    If this man wanted you, then why is he married to someone else? I understand that you have love for this man because is a very important person in your life. But you need to let go.. And move on. Accept the fact that he is married. Deal with the pain that comes with it.

    What your doing is haraam. Interfering with a married man who claims he loves you. If he loves you why are you not married to him yet.

    Please, you need to get over this and move on.

    May Allah helps you insha'Allah.

    Xx

    • I do have love for him yes. He is a lovely man. He is an asian man and his family picked his wife. a lovely asian girl. I am a black mixed race woman and his family wanted him to marry his own kind. Another thing a lot of muslims do to there children. Force them into marriages. But he did what his parents asked as I believe he should have. As they do have his best interest at heart. I wanted advice on how to get him to leave me alone. but he is now talking about getting married so. you understand that if he chooses to then. We are no longer having a haram friendship but a halal relationship instead so. Why is that wrong?

      • Salaam Abu Abdul Bari

        Your post has been very helpful.
        Thank you for your help 🙂

        • No one is against you,I believe that people are giving you there honest opinion because that's what we're all here for. But you seem to be living in a fantasy world, he is a married man with a family. You have to think about the consequences that come with it - his family will be distroyed. Maybe you need to be patient and wait for the right man to come to you. You deserve so much more than a married man who is telling you he loves you on the sly! You deserve someone you can have all to yourself who you can share a lifetime with. I understand that you love him, I don't blame you because he has made you realise something really important in your life, and you feel so attached to him because of this.

          I think you should move on, I really do. Maybe you know that you will remain in pain if you decide to move on. That's why your attached to this married man.

          I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, and you think everyone is 'against' you because they are not telling you what you want to hear. But you need to see the bigger picture.

          There is NO such thing as a halal relationship. You need to remember that. Do what you can to get away from this guy. Move, change your details, etc. If that's what it takes for all this to be over.

          I hope you realise that you need to move on. And insha'Allah you do.

          Xx

  7. Jamilla I know this is a hard situation but I know u will find someone better than him. How old are u? Maybe I can help?? Email me (email address deleted by the Editor - please refrain from sharing your email id) I am a married female

  8. I'm 36 and have been looking for a husband for years now. I am confused as to why everyone is so against me becoming a second wife. If that is what he chooses. It is halal to do so.

    • Allah's Law is His and none has the right to interfere by inserting their opinions and their understandings.

      None can make Haraam what Allah Has Made Halaal and none can make Halaal what Allah Has Made Haraam.

      Allah Says that one can take a second wife, with a condition that he acts justly with the first wife and the second wife. So if you marry him, the condition would be that he does not ignore the first wife and gives her equal time and fulfils all his duties towards her also. If he is not ready to be just and take this difficult responsibility you better not marry him. He is allowed to marry you and no person with the correct understanding of the Deen can deny you this. Allah Says:

      4:3
      وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تُقْسِطُوا فِي الْيَتَامَىٰ فَانْكِحُوا مَا طَابَ لَكُمْ مِنَ النِّسَاءِ مَثْنَىٰ وَثُلَاثَ وَرُبَاعَ ۖ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا فَوَاحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُكُمْ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ أَدْنَىٰ أَلَّا تَعُولُوا
      And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].

      Indeed, it is Allah Who sets rules. None has the right to question him. We are no more than His poor servants who are dependent on Him for each and everything, even for things like salt and broken shoe lace.

      You should listen to the Shaikh Salih bin Sa'd as Suhaymee (May Allah preserve him and make the world benefit from his knowledge) on this issue, so should the man you intend to marry.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmAWcFZJUHs

      Again, if he will not be able to deal with both of you justly, you better not marry him. If he will ignore her, he will be indulging in Dhulm (oppression). The condition should be clear that he deals with both of you justly and with equity. Indeed, Allah does not like injustice and He Is The Most Just.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Aww thanks brother.

        I understand what you are saying. He knows this and we spoke about it. He is going to think about it first. I don't think he would do that to his wife. He cares for her very much. He would not marry me if he thought that would happen and I wouldn't want that for her. He is a kind man. I will watch the youtube video.

        Thanks you 🙂

        What Allah desides is what will happen its in him hands.

      • I have heard this many, many times. I am sick of it.
        Islam allows polygamy. True
        And he does not need his first wife's permission. True

        But I think we should look at the bigger picture and not make it a black and white thing only about permissible and impermissible.

        What usually happens is that man and the second wives go into polygamy thinking that as long as they're not getting into sin its alright.

        But in turn this is where the problems start. As the realities of life start. The first wife and her kids will often(most of the time) become miserable.

        Why do we ignore the fact that polygamy is not a walk to the candy store, as we are trying to make it out to be?

        And a marriage born out of a haram relationship will only further damage the views most people hold against polygyny.

        I want to ask Jamila31, what if the man's first wife leaves him if he marries you? Will it not effect your conscience whatsoever that you have destroyed a sister's household?

        I am sorry but this is not how polygamy is supposed to be practised in Islam. This is an abuse of Shariah.

        My advice: cut off all contact with this guy, do whatever you can to leave him. Find yourself another guy, a guy who won't be in a 'relationship' of any sort with you and will gladly look after your kids.

        If you still have desire left to marry this guy, PLEASE contact his wife and talk to her about it. I know this is not a requirement in Islam, but it would only be wise to follow this piece of advice rather than chuck it into the trash can just because there is no commandment that instructs us to do so. Try to get HER on board personally before marrying this guy. Don't take the guy's word that he has already talked to his wife.

        Life is not so easy as it was back in the olden days in Arabia, nor so is polygyny.

        • Brother Talha, if you are not aware, please avoid speaking about it. If Allah Made it Halaal, you and I have NO RIGHT to restrict it, except as restricted by Allah and His Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.

          The life of the prophet is an example for us to follow. If you do not like it, do not say it is wrong. The truth is that you can not restrict anyone from taking what is Halaal, thus making it Haraam without having any right to do so.

          A ruling is not based on specific experiences, but it is based on what Allah Has Made apparent in His Book and in thr Sunnah of His Rasool. So please do not stop the people from doing what is Halaal, except if you see something wrong on part of the man. Do not make it a general statement in this regard.

          Abu Abdul Bari
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • How am I stopping her from doing what is Halal? I am only advising her to do something useful IF she wishes to marry this guy so that she can avoid headaches
            ater. I am sure the Prophet(SAW) would be disgusted at what is being done here.
            And since they are having haram contact I am urging them to break that off.
            If she still wishes to marry that guy then by all means go ahead, just try to take matters calmly and sensibly and bring his first wife on board beforehand so to avoid the mess later.

          • There are restrictions. They are clear and stated in the Noble Quran. A man may marry: IF "you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphans" and IF he has no fear what so ever "that you will not be just". Then and only then is he allowed to marry plural wives. This is what it says in the Noble Quran, everything else are interpretations only. And interpretations made by men! Read what it says. What kind of man has no fear of being unjust when he marries plural wives? What kind of man thinks he is not unjust when he marries a second without informing his first? And what kind of woman would want such a man?

    • The issue is not so much with you becoming a second wife (although I expect it will cause problems with his family and will become a headache - it is halal, none can deny that, but practically speaking it is difficult in the west generally. I do feel for his wife too and I think it could definitely break his family BUT I will put this aside because right now I want to focus on what is right for you and your akhirah - not for his family.)

      The issue that arises in this situation has more to do with the contact a person is having with a non-mahram man, especially one who is married. There is no such thing as a halal relationship, especially when he is married. If you both want to marry then he needs to take the appropriate steps and marry you. While he is not married to you he should not be talking to you. Basically Islamically it's marriage or nothing. I know you dont want to put pressure on him but put your deen first. Let him sort out the situation and then approach you for marriage in the correct way.

      So there should be no meeting alone, and no conversations, no "I love yous' etc. I know I seem blunt, sweetheart so forgive me but all I am saying is if you love him so much then marry him. But dont compromise your deen in any situation. Dont be in a relationship with him in the meantime (while waiting for him to sort out marriage). And take care with expectations.

      What I am saying is either:
      1) Marry him
      2) Leave him

      Dont put yourself in limbo in an in between stage, and don't put pressure on him to make a decision. It may be helpful for you to have a time limit so you are not left waiting indefinitly. If you decide to move on then make sure you change your details and make it 100% clear that you dont want to hear from him again.

      • Aww thanks you I will try this. Your right my deen comes first. What should I asked him to do? Should he still talk to my mother about marrying me. She is not Muslim but I have no one else. And how long should I give him to decide. This is all new to me.

  9. you did so much for that man you became muslim because of it means you really loved him from your heart you are loving and caring women the best thing is to love some one who loves you back the same way
    all i can say is he cheated on you how can man merry another women if he have some one like you
    you converted to islam what more can he ask for
    my answer to your question is dont become his second wife merry some one who is not married some one who will love you and you can say he is yours only yours dont share your husband with any one
    there are so many muslim man if you merry him who does he love you or his first just think if he loved you really he would have never married her he would be your husband not her
    dont be mad at its just a advice

    • Thats very sweet of your to say. I didn't becomes Muslim for him though I did it for me 🙂 He was just kind enough to tell me about it. Well I don't no what will happen. He may feel its to much for him and not want to anyway. He has deleted his number from my phone so I can't call him. He may never call me again. History say other wise as he still has mine and can just turn up at my door when ever he likes. I have felt quite stressed, upset about it and have cried buckets cause I didn't no what to do and so has he. And I don't think there are many good muslim men out there. They all want to have relationships before marriage. And the last thing I want is to be in this situation a second time. Just before he got married he asked me to run away with him and leave the country I didn't no it was because he was getting married. You see in a way through him I was given the gift of Islam but because of it we are struggling to stay apart.

      • all i can say is you need a man who will love you and take care of you dont think of sharing your husband with some one it will hurt you more he is married all ready
        merry some one who will be yours some one who is with you every morning when you wake op and if you merry him you might not see him all the week he will be with his other wife
        love your self think about your future

        • I understand what your saying. I will give it some thought. Thanks you its nice to get some advice without being judged. For now I am gonna try focusing on other things and just wait and see what happens. I can decide what I am going to do if he gets back to me.

  10. Jamila, I would advise you to think carefully about having a secret marriage as a second wife. As far as I am aware, a husband has a duty to ensure his first wife is aware of him taking another wife. If he doesn't discuss this with her, how can he explain the time he will be spending with you? The odds are that he would then feel he had to lie, which is not Islamic, and/or not share his time equally, which is not fair to you either.

    Legally, the majority of countries do not recognise polygamy and so second or third or fourth wives have little legal protection. This means it's crucial for all parties to be open with each other, in order to establish and maintain an equitable relationship.

    Yes, his wife may well be upset at first, but at least if she knows then she can exercise her rights as his wife and everything is open and honest. Secrecy cannot be maintained in the long-term - even with the most dedicated planning, things have a way of being revealed - and the consequences of this being found out later would be extremely damaging to everybody involved: you would be painted as the "other woman" who has corrupted him (even though this is not the case), his first wife would feel massively betrayed, his family would be devastated, he might well be put in a position of facing being disowned, and it would be immensely traumatic for children.

    Islam teaches us to respect everybody's eights and responsibilities. His wife has a right to know, you have a right to be protected and given equal status in his and his family's life, and this man has an Islamic duty to stand up and be honest with the people he loves.

    One other thing I would urge you to do, is to look at the title of your post -"... And want him to stay away". Why have you used this phrase? Generally, if people love each other, they wish to see that person and spend time with them. But you have expressed a desire for him to stay away, and also mentioned that he has shown some controlling behaviours. Examine your motivations for planning to continue this relationship. You are not "his", sister, so do not marry him because of believing he has power over you - if you marry him, do so for Islamic reasons.

    • Thank you for your advice. So he will have to tell her then? Oh I don't no then. From what he was saying she wouldn't like it and I don't want to break up his family. He has children. Yeah I did say I wanted him to stay way. Cause I no its wrong for him to keep coming to see me. And feeling the way I do about him I find it hard to stop him. I miss him when he don't come. I was never close like this with my ex husband. We seem to have just clicked. Its so confusing. Well like I said I can't do anything right now I have no way to even stop him from telling his wife he is considering it. If its like you said and he has to tell her. I don't have is number anymore.

      • Jamila, do you live in a country where polygamy is legal? If you don't, then while you might be able to be a second wife, you will be regarded as a mistress by the outside world. If he has a nikah with you, then fails to fulfill his spousal obligations, you will have no means of protection and no way to force him to step up to his obligations. If he leaves you high and dry financially, you will have absolutely no recourse to the legal system in terms of getting him to meet his Islamic duties towards you and your children.

        Of course, if you live in a jurisdiction where a second marriage is legally recognized, then you are protected.

  11. Well sister I'm glad you became Muslim that's great hamdallah, no one is to judge anyone. I just want to tell you a little of my experience I understand that he loves you and you live him but if I was you take yourself put of the situation without all them emotional feeling with him. No you are not a mistress or a home wrecker at all. Well I had a strong relationship with someone that I was gonna marry we separated ways but I still had a strong attachment. This man while engaged, and married sent me e-mails professing his love and affection, but I never responded. I put my emotions aside and analyzed the situation from a third person he's cheating on his wife while sending me emails. No I am not bashing the guy you have feelings for or want to marry all I'm saying is when one puts their emotions aside they see it differently. I think to be honest he's being selfish in a way, he made you in a sort of stuck situation like his wife not happy about you being a second wife. You gave up the guy you were interested in marrying I think that you should think about it, ask him what would he do if he was you nd you were the married one? Like your the one sister that will be losing more and even if you do marry reality is that first wife will give you a hard time so I wouldn't bother but I know its alot easier someone advising while your in a situation. Your not a bad person but I just think if I was you I would just leave him and focus on yourself and your happiness. You might wait for a long time for that wife to agree to the marriage and what if she doesn't that's your precious time sister waiting for something that you don't know will happen. No I don't know this man or you all I'm saying is put your emotions to the side and really analyze the situation you deserve the best and inshallah I think you can get better!:)

  12. I think you shouldn't waste anymore time with this married man, let him go let him be a husband and a father to his kids, even if he says he lived you and want to be with you you till him you want to move on with your life and have a family of your own insallah sister.

  13. salam,
    I think all of u lots are so selfish, and rude to the person who is asking for your support. u acting like a man cant marry four wifes. everyone does it, what wrong with u lots, are u saying when u reached in ur forthy ur husband not going to marry again. u think u know ur husbands? think twice, when he bring in a 18 years women saying to u darling i have married again, it is my rites!!!!what u goin to do...leave him naaaa, u will ignored him...ALLAH allowed it ...who are we to judge women who are 2nd 3rd 4th wifes. and look around the world...if a guy can give a women a place to stay, look at her children and help her. then wat wrong with that...u lots advice to this women ohh move away stay ...all that u can say how can she? can u support her????then u have no rites to give her advice ...NO RITESSS!!!! IF U CANT help HER THEN DONt BOTHER.gving her ur opinm ..jamila 31...a man can marry up to 4 wifes at any time...he does not even need the permission of his wife..from ur article i read that she know that he used visited u, that mean she nver stopped him or chuck him out..if she was a true muslim she would have said to him go and marry her and make it halal, i dont want to live in sins...!!! she living in sins knowing her husband in contact with u ...and what did she do...nothing about it ....that mean she know..so why do u need her permission..ALLAH nver wrote in the quaran u need ur wife permission ...did HE? no...if a man can marry a widow and support her ..what wrong marrying a divorce's and supporting...if i was u dont delay it and get married to him...none of u need permission at all so what the problem...nothing afterward what ever happen ALLAH know best !!!!hope it goes well....

    • Your post REALLY made me angry! First of all, you can't spell. Second of all, you say:

      "if she was a true muslim she would have said to him go and marry her and make it halal"

      Who are you to judge what a true Muslimah must do? Islam does not give only men rights, Islam also give women rights. A true Muslimah does NOT have to accept sharing her husband! Stop lying to women who read this discussion! If a man wants to marry a second wife, the 1st wife can say, "no thanks, I do not accept this" and get a divorce. It does not make her a "false" Muslimah.

      You also write:

      "she living in sins knowing her husband in contact with u"

      SHE is living in sin?!?! It's not HER who is visiting non-mahrams and having inappropriate contact to them in their apartment! It's the man who is sinning! But yeah, his wife should not just sit there and watch while her husband commits sins, she should tell him to make a decision. And he obviously has, he does not want to marry a second wife.

      You really annoy me, actually.

      • excuse u think u know it all...one question we say the first kalima do u know what that me...we believe in ALLAH and in his messenger...that mean we live by ALLAH rule not women rule u cant do this and all secondly prophet married so many wifes, did they start fighting with him then who are we, if read the quran u MUST UNDERSTOOD ALLAH ALLOWED IT AND THEN WHO ARE U...???TO IGNORE ALLAH ORDER AND RULE. EITHER U THICK SORRY TO SAY U MUST BE SLOWLY OR FROM THE DARK AGES...IF ALLAH ALLOWED IT ...HE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN..JUST REMBER UR TIME WILL CUM WHEN UR HUSBAND SAY SOZ I DO NOT LOVE U ANYMORE ...I NEED A NEW WOMEN...AND THAT WOMEN IS LIVING IN SINS KNOWING HER HUSBND BEEN ZINA FOR FIVE YEARS HOW CAN U EAT HARAM ..FOOD IN THE HOUSE KNWING TAHT THE HUSBAND DOES SINS AND THEN CUM HOME AND SAY HI DARLIN...FOR FIVE YEARS SHE KN EW AND NW SAY MAKE A DECISSION...THAT WHAT I CALLED BEING CLEVER SHE MUST AHVE SED BECUASE PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT ...TO SHOW PEOPLE I GAVE HIM THE ULTMATION...WHAT AFTER FIVE YEARS...IF U ARE TRUE MUSLIM AND LIVE BY ALLAH RULE U WUD HVE SED FROM DAY ONE...THAT A TRUE MUSLIM.....U MUST BE THICK...

        • Haha, I'M from the Dark Ages? :D. It's you who thinks that women take the blame for their husbands' sins. Now, that spells Dark Ages.

          Anyway, you're ridiculous and so are your advice, I think :).

      • Aliyaah is deluded! How can the wife be at fault here! Its her husband who is in a haraam relationship with another women! And on top of that he is keeping his mistress waiting and not marrying her! He is not even leting her go and move on with her life! Aliyaah you seriously need to get your head fixed.

  14. wat ever ...i am eduacted and understand religion....funny u got a problem with a guy with four wives....that common sense...but at least a true muslim understand a sin...luk lik u one of those people turn the other way and close ur eye ...put it ALL underneath the carpet...BUT AT LEAST I AM ATHE PERSON WHO DEAL WITH SITUATION....IF I AM IN THE WRONG ..WHY DID THE PROPHET WIVES DIDNT FIGHT WITH HIM...WHEN HE MARRIED ANTHER WIFE....NVR DID ... FUNNY U CANT ANSWER THAT QUESTION........U THINK UR HUBBY WILL B URS...FOREVR...AS IF ..AND U MUST BE BACKWARD PERSON ....NO WONDER...NO GUY WILL B ONE WOMEN...EVEN HAADITH SAY IT WILL BE ONE MAN AND FOUR WIVES...AMEEN..

  15. I'm sorry to say, but you neither sound educated or argue in discussions in an educated manner - and I still have a really hard time reading your comments - why do you write with caps-lock?

    I didn't answer your question about the prophet, because it's not true that the prophets' marriages and wives had no problems. There are Hadiths that clearly state that it was not a picnic for the prophet to have so many wives, they did get into quarrels with each other!

    • Adina, it is not wise to say such words about the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and his wives Radiyallahu Anhunna. They never had problems, but jealousy did come between them, being Human Beings. But Allah and His Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam corrected them whenever it came in the way.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. As I mentioned, Islam gives rights to both man and woman. Women are not forced to accept polygamy, but they can, if they want to. Why are you making such a big deal of it? Like polygamy is the basis of Islam. Get a grip, will ya? :).

  17. Are you in a polygamous marriage, Aliyaaah?

  18. YUP, MY HUSBND NVER ASK HIS WIFE TO GET MARRIED TO ME, AND THEN HIS DAD GOT HIM MARRIED TO ANTHER WOMEN...SO HE HAS THREE....AND I ACCEPPT IT, BEC I CAME FROM A CULTURE WERE MEN HAD FOUR WIVES...FOR ME THAT IS NORMAL AND THEY NVER ASK THEIR WIVES PERMISSION...:O)... ...IT HAPPEN EVERYWHERE EVEN IN UK...

    • and if he want to marry another one by all mean he can...i dnt have a problem with it...

      • Aliyaah sister u sound very angry. R u sure that u wont have any problem if ur husband married again or if he has already? Coz although u support it strongly but im sorry to say i just felt like ur angry.
        And i just read in one of the comments on the top and confirmed it that even hazrat Ali (r.a)wanted to marry again but bibi fatema (r.a) didnt approve so he didnt. I think u should understand that islam has given the wives their rights to refuse as well.

  19. Where do you live Aliyaaa? Its jus that in this day and age i have never heard of a man with four wives. Well if you can live with sharing your husband good for you! But many women cannot even imagine their husband talking with another women. Its not about jelousy.

    You have many siblings many friends but i believe the relationship between a husband and wife is unique and so special. Just one man and one woman giving their undivided love and loyalty to each other alone. The way i see it is i would be happy with one husband and will control myself from looking or desiring more men. Why cant the husband do the same! Everyone can control their desire.

    How does your husband provide for 4 wives? Is he rich. How does he make time for work prayers and looking after four familys? Do you never feel heartbroken and just want him to yourself.? Im just qouroius?

    And i always read in islam we should prepare for death this life is only temporary you should spend every minute worshipping Allah. So how comes the men choose to seek so much entertainment in life. . They are makingmore distractions in their life by acquiring more wives when they should just be happy with one wife so less mobey and time spent in the world and more time for allah dont you think. Sometimes it seems that the world is a paradise for men and a test and hardship for women...

  20. I don't now any muslim men even having four wives let alone in the UK it is not allowed it is legal and bigamist. Can a man really afford one wife let alone 4 wives I don’t think so. Why do people assume everything bad happens in UK and not everywhere else.

    @aliyaaah I do think you need your head check no way I would even be a second wife let alone except a man who can have 4 wives I am not a doormat to no one and I deserve better regardless. It might be a culture you was brought up with where women were not treated with respect but let me tell you women deserve better.

    • I don't now any muslim men even having four wives let alone in the UK it is not allowed it is legal and bigamist.

      What is not allowed and bigamist but legal ?

      Furthermore, I actually know and heard of many men with four wives here in middle-east ( Kuwait, Saudi, Dubai etc). It is quiet common among the rich local citizens.

      I do think you need your head check no way I would even be a second wife let alone except a man who can have 4 wives I am not a doormat to no one and I deserve better regardless.

      I think that statement is quiet offensive towards a woman who is a second wife. I know there are women in polygamous marriages who are happy and satisfied, so I don't think anyone needs their head checked. Anything is possible. ( possibly Sis Aliyaah is a living example for you )

      It might be a culture you was brought up with where women were not treated with respect

      Are you saying that marrying 2,3 or 4 wives at a time means disrespecting women ? Why blame culture when Islam clearly allows multiple marriage of upto 4 wives conditionally ? I'm certain that Islam respects woman more than anyone can think/can do. Islam respects women also more than a woman can respect herself.

    • Oh, really? I know marrying more than one wife is illegal in UK and so called western countries. But do you know how many of those western men have extra marital affairs there? Do you even know? They don't marry girls but they do everything outside marriage. So they don't need to marry many girls. Of course who is willing to pay for them and the resulting kids.It's fun for them. That is why UK has child support agency. I hope you know about that. They prefer illegal sex and Islam wants sex to be legal. So that women are not used as toys, so that governments are not forced to care for the single mothers. Polygamy is a solution for certain issues, i agree. But rejecting it outright will make matters worse. Think about the ever-increasing ratio of single mothers in the west.

  21. Dear sister I was just wondering if you were to become his second wife,will you be fine when he takes a third wife and a forth wife? Will you still be able to share?

  22. I just wanted to ask jamila some questions ( if at all she is reading this coz this post looks old)

    U mentioned here that u have 3 children but... how many children does this brother have?

    R u financially independent or u expect this man to support ur children from ur previous marriage? Have u discussed that with him?

    If his second wife refuses to accept u and walks away then he wont have a relationship with her but he will b enitled to carry out certain responsibilities towards his children. (btw just the fact that his own kids will miss him in their lives while he'll be busy playing daddy to ur kids..breaks my heart already)

    another thing if im not wrong. Did u say that he has deleted his number from ur phone so that u dont get to call him? What does that mean? A breakup?

  23. Salam sister.

    I know some time passed since your post. Before I went to sleep last night I read your post and every comment made.

    It seems 95% of the replies say you should stop the relationship you have with this man. And the conversation shifted to wither polygamy is allowed or not, which wasn’t your initial question. We all know it is halal and that topic goes into many many details.

    I reread your initial post and maybe I am wrong but you were asking for advice on how to keep him away. You seem to have tried but he keeps coming back.

    It also seems you are his “forbidden candy”, he wants you but due to his family and background he can not have you. Once he learned about you attempt to find someone else he flipped out and announced you are “his”. He cant get himself to marry you and he doesn’t want you to marry anyone else. Once you started pressuring him into ending your relationship, he began making you feel sad for him. He talked about the flues in his marriage. And how unhappy and upset he is, you said “I felt like crying for him”. He seemed he convinced you that marrying you is the “right thing”, but your initial post was regarding ending the relationship. It seems that he has a great ability to change your mind. A crying man makes a women go blind sometimes.

    Polygamy isn’t haram but adultery is. Adultery is not only that illegal sex is prohibited, but also anything that leads to illegal sex is also illegal? These things include: dating, free mixing of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity, and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from temptation and desires by on lookers who may lose self-control and fall into sin. "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity, and God is well acquainted with all they do. And say to the believing woman that they should lower their gaze, and guard their modesty."(Quran 24:30-3 1)

    So the “relationship” you currently have is not right. Please do not misunderstand me or take this in an offensive why. I am not saying you both committed adultery, I do not know enough to say that. I am simply saying one small gaze, which is forbidden, could lead into adultery. So please revaluate the type of relationship you have with this man. You certainly do not want to enter into a halal marriage under a haram aspect.

    It has been over a month since he officially said he will marry you. If he has not acted on that yet please move on. Continue your search for a good responsible man.

    If he has acted and you are now married, I wish you the best of luck. It will be very hard for your relationship especially if you kept it a secret. I really don’t think you will be getting much of a husband out of him.

    Think about it, nowadays an average man works for 10 hours a day, commutes 1 hour, sleeps for 8 hours, preparing oneself takes another 1. Your left with 4 hours a day. How will he share that with two families. May god give him the patients and straight mind because if he is not carefull he will end up not being equal and neglecting his major duties. Please think of the long run. Think 5 years down the line or 7. Think of the ramifications, if your car broke down on the highway, wouldn’t you want your husband to come and help you. If he’s with his first wife and she doesn’t know about you. What will you do? That is just the simplest example, You will miss out on many things a husband must provide his family.

    Good luck to you.

  24. AoA.

    Dont worry for that Allah will solve your problem's.God is Watching,listening,etc

    The problem which does not kill you will make you strong....................................................................................

  25. Is there only one man out of a population of more than a billion that can be approached for marriage.there is more to life than just marriage.time to move on.marriage should be simple,so keep it simple.

  26. "In love with a man who is now married, and want him to stay away" was the title of your post, but from your posts and questions, you don't want this man to stay away rather you want to do a second marriage. if you really want him to stay away its simple. hes married he has his own life to lead. change your number, your contact details and cut contact and if he approaches you stay firm and tell him you want him to stay away and want nothing more to do with him and let him be happy and start focusing on his marriage.

    if indeed you do love him and you don't want him to stay away your post should have read "In love with a man who is now married, and want to do a second marriage" then you have two options. you asked how long should u wait for him? from what you said you have already waitied for this man for 5 years. how many more years are you willing to put ur life on hold and wait? if you want to do second marriage and like you say his first wife is not agreeing then as much as younwant you cannot force this situation on her. to say about being a good muslim his firs twife should just accept we cannot say that her not accepting makes his first wife a bad muslim its natural not to want to share the man u love, and u have been through divorce, im sure you know how it feels to have your heartbroken why be the cause of that for someone elses marriage. u want a husband to provide for u and ur children as does his first wife, if he has asked you to be his second wife, ask permission from his first wife see how she feels. if she accepts find a solution to go forward peacefully. if not leave him to focus on his marriage. like he said he cares for his wife and if u were not in the picture and he leaves this haram relationship and gives his marriage a chance he could love his wife the way he says he loves you. you say u have faith in god, but it sounds u have faith this man will come to you and marry you and everything will be ok...having faith in god also means having full tawakkul, meaning u have t o make a decision stick by it and putting full trust in allah. wither way...your relationshiop with him was haram. you cannot justify it. weather or not u are now trying to make it halal. cut contact. tell him if he wants marriage approach you with a proposal and permission from his first wife. you need to consider also if he can support u all living in one house peacefull if not can he fund two households, rents, food, bill, time love equally? focus on your childenand yourself. I see its been a year since this was posted so either u would have married him or walked away. men like this have a way of holding on claiming to lead miserable marriages and staying due to family pressure/children etc. if he was that serious in being with you...he would NOT have let YOU live in sin for 5 years....regardless of the consequences. if he wantred to be with you he would have found a solotuon and tried his best to make it work...not give u emotional blackmail of how sad he is and shedding his tears infront of you to buy time to keep you by his side.

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