Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love my Bengali boyfriend but his parents want to arrange his marriage

I am a white Christian girl 18 years old and have been with my muslim bengali boyfriend (he is 20) for nearly 2 years. His family know about the relationship but refuse to accept it. I am well educated and from a good background. I really love my boyfriend and would like to spend the rest of my life with him and he says he feels the same way.

Soon his parents will try to get him to have an arranged marriage which he says he will refuse. His idea is to wait until they try to force it on him and then he will move out with me once they probably disown him. But i don't want it to be like this. I just want to be accepted by his family.

I am very much interested in islam and have considered converting once I learn more.

Is there a way of being accepted? And also how can I learn all I need to know about islam?

- fablo65

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12 Responses »

  1. Assalamu'alaikum,

    Fablo65, below is a response I sent to a young woman named Jenna who had similar questions.

    I am happy that you are considering Islam as your religion. What you should understand is that if your reason for coming to Islam is because of your boyfriend then your decision to do so is wrong. It should be for the love of Allah (God) and nothing else. Many times people accept Islam as their religion because of someone they say they love, then as soon as that relationship turns sour so does the religion. I cant tell you that this happens always but it does in most instances.

    So I hope that your interest is purely for the love of Allah(swt).

    Based on what you have written, your boyfriend also needs to learn about Islam. If he were practicing as he should he would have told you that there is no dating in Islam.

    I would suggest that you find a local Masjid and tell them that you are interested in learning about islam. Ask them to suggest books to read. I would not turn to the internet because there is so much mis-information out there that it is sometimes difficult for someone new to decipher what is correct and what is not.

    Insha'allah, this information will help you.

    Please read my response to Jenna below.

    Abdul Wali Editor


    Hi Jenna,
    I appreciate that you are willing to learn about Islam. I think that you will find many similarities between the two religions. At the same time there are some differences.

    Jenna, here are a couple of things you should know. First of all, what his family is probably thinking is that you are taking their son away from Islam. Also there are cultural aspects that come into play concerning marrying within their own culture. You might be surprised to find out that many of us would be rejected too because we are not of the same culture or race. This is not what Islam is about but people do it anyway.

    Here is another thing you should know. The family plays a major role in determining who their children marry. They can't force the child to marry someone either he/she does not like, although it does happen. But the parents are there to guide them and help them make proper choices. As Muslim's we are taught to respect our parents wishes and do what they say as long as what they are telling us does not go against the teachings of Islam.

    One of the requirements for a Muslim man to marry a non Muslim woman is that she be chaste. Meaning, she has not had sexual relations before. As a Christian you know that sex before marriage is prohibited. The other is that she be someone of the book.( either Christian of Jewish). So it is permissible for a Muslim man to marry a non Muslim woman as long as she meets the requirements I spoke about.

    Another thing you should know is that I have never met a Muslim man who married a non Muslim who didn't care if the children were raised Muslim or not. If you were to get married and have children, more than likely he would want the children to be raised Muslim and his family would expect it.

    What about your own family? What would they say? Have you spoken to them about your choice to marry him? Do you think that they would be open to you marrying a Muslim man?

    Jenna, I just wanted to give you an understanding of what may be going on withing his family and what Islam says. I could have gone into more detail but I wanted to keep it simple.

    I can't tell you what to do to change their minds. Even if you met all of the requirements they still might say no.

    In the mean time I would say still learn about Islam. I wasn't always a Muslim. I was born a Christian and converted to Islam. I am the only one in my family who is Muslim. I try to teach them whenever I can and we still have a great relationship. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

    I'm sorry I couldn't help with your exact question but I hope that I was able to give you a little insight into what is going on.


    Abdul Wali Carter Editor

  2. Assalam alaikum, mera naam md rashid hai mai ek punjbi hindu se pyr krta hu pr wo ab hmse baat b nhi krti use wapas pane k lie koi dua btaie or dua b kijie
    Allah hafiz


    • Ria, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. Give us more details, and do not write in all caps.

      Wael Editor

      • ok sorry how i overcome my problem cn you please help me????? i really really love can i write my question as a separete post????? sir i want to marry my boyfrnd bt he is so much afraid of his parents, bt also loves me..... in dis situation what can i do? his parents r searching good girl to married him off.......... please give me suggetions, we r having around 3yrs rltnshp.........

        • There you go sister,

          I don't know for sure but your name sounds like you are not Muslim? Forgive me if I am wrong. If it's so then I don't know any rule irbid right or not. And what do you mean by he is not Bengali? Is he white? Anyways sister as brother Wael said will be better to write your problem on details. 🙂

          • Thanks sister Nadia,
            @Ria Dasgupta!
            In addition to what Nadia said; it goes without saying that bf/gf relationships are haram (if you are Muslim) and then if this bf of your's can't stand up for you now then what makes you think he will later if you guys ever get married. Something for you to ponder upon; there are many posts here where wives are abused in front of their husbands by their in-laws. Give it a serious thought and ultimately sign in and write a separate post if you need detailed advice iA.


  4. To the editors. I know there is no point of telling this but I can't help myself. I know it's quite old post but just want to make clear that the picture you gave related with that story is wrong. The picture showing "Hindu" marriage not "muislim" ofcourse Bengali but the picture above it's "Hindu Bengali" ceremony not "muislim bengali" 🙂

  5. Dear fablo65 (and anyone else with this same type of issue),

    I know this is four years too late, I'm wondering how you and your boyfriend are doing?
    My boyfriend is Bengali as well, but he does not practice the Muslim religion (he is more into science and evolution). However, his parents are Muslim and used to tell him all the time that they would get him into an arranged marriage. He would always refuse.
    Now that we are in college, his mother kind of knows that he is dating someone who is Caucasian, but she doesn't want to fully accept it - not in a mean way, but in a joking-serious's strange. She has even seen pictures of me on his computer and told him that I'm too pretty for someone like him (jokingly of course) and that I'm apparently the right size for a woman (hah, cause I have a bit more fat). I think it's mainly because the head of the family is his father who would not accept it at all and I think his mother knows that, even though she is secretly happy for her son, she wouldn't admit it due to the father's authority.
    That said, I have never been to his house or met his parents because he claims they would disown him because dating isn't allowed in his culture/religion.
    However, he said when we get married, even if I am white and the fact that he doesn't practice the religion, I would still have to pretend to convert to being a Muslim (even though it's a lie) and have a traditional wedding in order for him to not be disowned by his family (or rather I think it mainly pertains to his father disowning him).

    Anyway, that's just my story. It's a bit different from yours, but I hope you read it and have a happy life with your boyfriend (or maybe husband now). And also to anyone out there reading this and in the same predicament, there is hope. I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now. While we have had our ups and downs, they haven't been related to his culture and parent's religion.

    • Islam isn't against science and in fact, many Scientific things are in the Quran like the description of a fetus or how planets follow an orbital path.

      Furthermore, evolution isn't a fact and there is a missing link--remember, it is called The Theory of Evolution. However, it is very convenient to simply accept evolution as a fact than to consider it a theory, but it doesn't explain everything--refer to the letters of Darwin wrote. Finally, even if animals do change over time, this doesn't disprove the existence of God--and if indeed it were true, why don't we see humans just showing up from no where who have just "evolved"?

      The point is, Muslims can be into science, and still be Muslim.

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