Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Love or no love? Is this right in Islam?

muslim woman holding onto quran

I have just become a new Muslim when I married my husband. I am 1st wife. I was thinking he loves me and I have 4 kids. I am not working - I get help from government. I have no family - my kids only have me, and I have to pay all the bills too.

My husband was refused a visa where we met and now is in a different country, where he has another woman and she is going to be his wife.

He asks me for money and I got upset... he asked me for the rent where they are going to live together! I feel like is this a joke!

I felt empty I said no I won't do that. He was like don't call me, you don't care if we have food or something to wear. But he is the man and soon he is going to live with his second wife. Then he called me to ask me to send him a visa card, he didn't talk about money but this card will be on my name alone. It is a normal card, didn't ask for money but I just feel I have to give a lot.

I don't work and I don't want to send money and he is not even living with me. If he was alone maybe, I don't know... I feel confused - please help. I feel confused. He can be loving when he wants or be horrible and talk bad to me in front of my kids.  This one his getting a bit better but he did ask me to leave my kids and come to make his visa!

I am confused in every way. I am a new Muslim, I am just learning, but is this normal behaviour? He first said come see me, then after I refused to send money he said don't come, then he called me ask to come but in a normal way not like he missed me, then talk about the card?

I feel he doesn't care. I try my best not to talk because he doesn't have a job but I don't see him trying to find one. Then he talks about later when he makes his money he will marry a virgin, because I was not. When I met him I was Christian, I became  Muslim the day we married,  I love him and I do want to make him happy for Allah to please my husband .


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7 Responses »

  1. First of all, welcome to Islam sis 🙂 secondly, no, you are not going crazy, it is 100% wrong what he is doing and it is not part of our deen. He is supposed to be the protector and provider. Not you. The fact that he is not only asking you for money for himself but his new wife too? That is outrageous. I don't mean to make matters worse for you sis but you honestly do not need him and he is using you. The Quran and Sunnah clearly states the role of the man and woman. You are doing both roles. Please read the translated Quran, there was a whole surah sent down about the woman! "surah Nisa". You can do it, say NO. You do not need to explain yourself, a no is a no. End of. Just focus on yourself and your kids and be happy 🙂 do things that make you happy! He is off with another woman and watch how the other woman will then become his "provider" soon, paying for everything.

  2. You did the right thing. DO NOT SEND HIM ANY MONEY. He obviously married you for a visa and now he has been rejected and stayed in where he is from. This is not a "normal" behavior. This is an unacceptable and disgusting behavior. This kind of people is the scum of the earth. I am glad he is not coming back and cannot not hurt you any further. Seek for legal help to officially divorce him on paper if you did marry him legally. Otherwise, it will be a problem when you marry again.

    You sound very unsure about what a caring and loving husband should be. Regardless of him being a muslim or not, he is an irresponsible person and taking advantage of your ignorance. Sorry for my boldness, you seem so desperate to marry for someone. You will be taking advantage by men, any men easily if you are not careful. Seek some help from some of your friends or family members when choosing a partner.

    In a bright side, Allah is protecting you from this evil man. If you are really interested in Islam and believe in it, go to the nearby masjid / mosque and seek if there is any new converts' classes. Take care.

  3. My sister I welcome you to Islam, what your husband is doing is very ridiculous, there's nothing wrong with you.. you shouldn't be doing both obligations (as wife and husband).
    Just focus on making yourself a better person both in islamically and as a mother..
    (In An-Nisa)
    And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart, but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allah has made it lawful).

  4. Your so called husband wants to use you for your money, to get a Visa and sex. Don't leave your kids to go to another country to get him a Visa. You have to be very careful when getting involved with people living in foreign countries. Most will lie to get a VISA.

  5. 1) Don't give your husband even 1 cent. He should be giving YOU money! If he sulks, let him sulk. That's the expected reaction of someone who has the mindset of a toddler. Not something you should be remotely bothered about. It's just his tactics to make you feel bad and take money away from your children. He clearly has no morals, if he had, he wouldn't evne think about asking for money when he knows you don't work and probably have very little to provide for your children for. But selfish people are like that: they want their's and they don't care about anyone else.

    2) Don't help him with his Visa stuff. Don't send him anything that will help him get a Visa. This man is obviously not interested in YOU, but in getting a Visa to be able to come to the country you live in. The marriage to you is just a step on his way to his goal of coming to the West. Once he's settled, I'm almost certain you won't even cross his mind.

    3) It's not your responsibility to provide for your husband, and it's CERTAINLY not your responsibility to provide for his 2nd wife. This guy is not even allowed more than one wife when he has no ressources to support even one wife. What in God's name is he doing getting a 2nd wife? Islamically, he has no right to!

    In all honesty, I think you should leave this man and find yourself a better husband in the country you live in. Someone stable with a career and a good character. Please, sister, don't marry just any man out of fear of being alone. Marry someone who's actually going to make a good husband to you. Someone who respects you and accepts your children. Someone who doesn't ask you to not feed your children so that he himself and his supposed 2nd wife can eat. What kind of humanbeing does that?! Seriously...

    • Leylani, I deleted your first paragraph because you were basically putting the sister down. I know you didn't mean to, but when you start with "I don't mean to offend you at all, but", you can be sure that that's exactly what you will do.

      Wael Editor

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    Not only is your husband's behaviour unIslamic, but it is extremely selfish, mean and manipulative. He knows exactly what to say to you and how to say it to you in order to get what he wants from you. There is no compromise, love or mercy in how your husband is treating you.

    He has no respect for you OR himself. I don't know what type of man makes his motivation to make money only to marry a virgin when, first, he is not, second, shows no respect for you. A man who has no respect for his wife, but continues to use her in every way, has no respect for himself.

    Please stop sending him money and please don't feel bad about it either. Please move on and educate yourself Islamically for yourself and your children's sake. Invest all your time into yourself and your children. This man and the likes of him are looking for financial gain, visas and intimacy all for free with non-virgins, but then seek out virgins thinking themselves to be high and mighty. His thinking is truly sick.

    I am sorry that this man has depicted in your mind this idea of a Muslim husband, but dear Sister, this is not the way true Muslim men are. He would never dare to utter the type of things he has said to you, let alone take your money to spend it on himself and his new girlfriend. Very disgraceful.

    I hope that you find your way out of this and I hope that you find your self-worth again. A Muslim woman is to be cherished and loved--establish your relationship with Allah swt and surely He will take care of your affairs. May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.

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