Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love and fear Allah, but I love him too

She married him, but is interested in someone else

True love comes from Allah Alone, rest all is from Shaitaan


This is going to be a long and sappy read.. But here goes:

I met a guy online three years ago, while I was still living in the US. (Not the most romantic thing, but yeah.) He has never believed in love before, and I didn't want to be in a relationship mainly due to being hurt. But before we know it, we're just truly, madly, deeply, "accidentally" in love.

We've never really talked about religions until around two years ago, when I told him I am a muslim..and in order for us to ever be together is for him to convert to Islam. And at that moment I found out he's an atheist. Not wanting to be in a religion, he claimed he doesn't really believe in an "All Mighty".

However, he said he would rather convert than lose me. The religion topic kind of ended there and we never really talked about it since then.

I moved back to Asia a year ago. The time differences, his new job, and my new college.. Everything made it more difficult to maintain a relationship. But we try to reassure the other of how committed we both are. Lately, I started researching about similar cases because I'm afraid I'm starting to feel quite lost. Most popular advices people have given were either converting or ending the relationship.

I know it's more difficult to convince an atheist the existence of Allah. And I fear that he'll insincerely convert, and we'll not be able to educate the teachings of Islam properly to our future children. He also once said that he doesn't really think he could stop our future daughter of converting out of Islam if she were to fall for a non muslim. That comment actually left me terrified, but I never said anything.

However, I don't want to lose him. I love him so much that I want him to at least die as a muslim, so he could end up in heaven in the afterlife..

I love and fear Allah. I would never convert out of Islam for anyone or for any reason. And as of right now, I don't really want to stress the whole Islam topic to him. Because I feel like if I start to push, he might be uninterested in looking up the religion. Plus, I admit that I don't pray five times a day, every day.

But when I do pray, I keep praying to Allah for guidance..for both him and myself. I want him to convert on his own will, and not forced.

PS -

It has always been a long distanced relationship. We've never really met face to face or touch each other.. And in a way I think that's a good thing, or else it would be hard for us to resist wanting to hold each other's hands and what not. Our relationship is pretty much clean, as we've never really talked about anything dirty or sexual to one other.

A few innocent tease flirt every now and then though. We've both talked about the possibility of a future together.. getting married, having children, spending the rest of our lives together, etc, as we're both very family oriented.

He respects me, and I respect him. We have many differences, but accept each other. We listen to each other's wants and dreams, and we constantly try to support one another. I comfort him when he's stressed from work and family dramas, and he'll comfort me during my paranoia and depression moments. We have never ever argued even once.

He treats me like a queen, and I try to treat him like a king.  Basically, we make each other very happy. So as you could tell, we both don't want to let go of what we have.

I just find it a little funny how of all the guys I have met and befriended (I'm very social) throughout my whole life, I want to spend the rest of my life with an atheist guy who currently lives about 9, 300 miles away from me. We probably won't even meet in person in another two to four or five more years due to my education and his job.

I honestly don't know whether this is all a test or punishment from Allah.

~ Squamous

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10 Responses »

  1. Sister, I don't want to judge you nor want to give you long reply but I want to express my opinion about your situation. 

    Internet love, long distance relation stuffs like that hardly work specially non Muslim. The thing you calling love it's not love it's "like" you really can't love until you get married. Love means when you stay with a person, eat, laugh, sleep and so on. You can like but you never can't love. Yes you should love Allah for rest of your life.

    I am afraid that he will believe in Islam and convert. Rather then waiting for this kind of person I think you should ask your parents to look spouse for you if you want to get married. You still got time I suggest you to cut all contact with him, as you know you doing haram thing. You didn't touch or didn't have unislamc talk dose not mean you are clean or not doing haram. Girlfriend and boyfriend is forbidden in Islam.

    You should turn yourself to Allah completely and forget about the relationship you in. When the time will come of course Allah will give you right partner. Do your 5daily prayers and ask Allah's forgiveness. 

  2. Dear sister he should convert to Islam from heart, believing in oneness of god. If he converts to Islam for your sake he still remains a kaafir. You said that you fear Allah, then how can you continue to dis obey Allah by having this haram retionship (>First of all talking to a non mehram stranger it self is a big haram >) We should love Allah more than any one else.Break this relation ship and come to path of the truth.This so called love is an illusion which will break when you come near (Physically.) A person who do not fear Allah will have all haram habits like drinking alcohol, drugs and zina and so on. You said he is working I guess he is in his 20's (may be late )at this age its difficult to control sexual urges. A man if he fears Allah will avoid committing zina. Do YOU SINCERELY THINK THAT HE WILL REMAIN VIRGIN AND WAIT FOR YOU FOR FIVE MORE YEARS .WAKE UP! WHERE ARE YOU.Satan is misleading you He just wants more companions with him in the HELL. Sisiter you heart knows that what you are doing is wrong then why are you supressing this right thought . Break this haram relation ship and save your deen ,duniya and Aakhira.
    Think about your parents and family
    Or else you take the initiative of changing the heart of an atheist. You have a lot of vidoes and other material on line . and finally do isteqara and ask Allah what is right or wrong

  3. Wa'alaykumsalam,

    You are indeed playing with fire, very soon that fire will fall on you. Make yourself learned of the danger internet relationship poses from other girls who suffered. Internet is a place of extreme anonymity. People often lie, cheat etc just to fulfil their agenda. Earlier you said you didn't want a relationship due to fear of getting hurt, well then the time has come. As you sow, so shall you reap. Pre-marital relationship is forbidden in Islam whether online or offline, whether long distance or short. Basically, sin is a sin. This is to ward of fitnah and prevent false love affairs which usually lead people to commit acts of grave immorality and transgression of Allah's law, or they lead to broken heart, depression or they lead them to marriages that end in failure and are filled with suspicion and mistrust.

    Sister, you've made mistake by chatting with male and then falling in love, now beware of making a third mistake by marrying him.

    He's an atheist, who doesn't believe in the existance of all mighty, its not pleasant to marry a man who doesn't believe in his creator. Do you like someone who doesn't acknowledge Allah ? Do you like someone who doesn't fear the all mighty ? That atheist most certainly believes that he evolved from apes. Do you like your future children to believe that they evovle from apes too ? According to atheist, the universe magically came into existance, is such man worth it in the sight of Allah ?

    "As to those who reject Faith, it is the same to them whether you warn them or do not warn them; they will not believe. Allah has set a seal upon their hearts and upon their hearing,and over their vision is a veil. And for them is a great punishment".(2:6-7)

    "And let not those who disbelieve think that they can outstrip (escape from the punishment). Verily, they will never be able to save themselves (from Allahs Punishment)". (Quran 8:59)

    "Whoever is an enemy to Allah and His angels and His messengers and Gabriel and Michael - then indeed, Allah is an enemy to the disbelievers" (2:98)

    "And if you could see when the angels take away the souls of those who disbelieve (at death), they smite their faces and their backs,(saying): "Taste the punishment of the blazing Fire." (Quran 8:50)

    Secondly, He may convert to Islam just for your sake ( to marry you ), but then its insincere, in other word, he haven't converted at all as he never believed in Allah's existance. Subhana'Allah.

    "Of the people there are some who say: "We believe in Allah and the Last Day;" but they do not (really) believe. They [think to] deceive Allah and those who believe, but they deceive not except themselves and perceive [it] not.In their hearts is disease, so Allah has increased their disease; and for them is a painful punishment because they [habitually] used to lie ". (2:8-10)

    So Do you wish to marry a disbeliever when you know its forbidden in Islam ? He may teach your kids, unislamic myths about life and is the worst role model for muslim, do you like that ? Atheist doesn't believe in the hereafter, does this sort of husband/father is worth sacrificing for ? Disbelievers will surely get you to hell as promised by Allah, now what ? Think about it. If it was me, I would fear Allah so much.

    "Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe:A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise." (2:221)

    Its wrong to think that you both are having a clean and happy relationship and say he treats me like a queen and I treat him like a king . Obviously on the internet every men treats women like a queen just to get them lol. If they argue with them etc, would this relationship survive ? This is how life works, full of deceiver, liars etc all masterminded by the cheif deceiver satan.

    "And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appearthereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands." (24:31)

    "Satan makes them promises, and creates in them false desires; but satan's promises are nothing but deception." (4:120)

    "And do not follow the footsteps of Satan, indeed he is to you a clear enemy. He only orders you to evil and immorality, and to say about Allah what you do not know" (2:168-169)

    Therefore, stop communicating with him right away, do not waste your precious time. Never form a relationship again. Stop socially hanging out with male friends. Fear Allah. Marriage not based on Islam will be doomed and regretted. Do your duties to Allah. Prayers will be the first question asked in hereafter.

  4. Salam sister,

    I would first like to start with this quote: 'If he can leave God, then he can leave you'

    Love is such a difficult aspect, and when it is done for the right intentions, can be incredibly beautiful. However, when it is not based around the deen then the aspect becomes far more difficult.

    If you are serious about this man, then start opening his eyes to the deen. You say you have met from a while ago, so if he cant be patient now with something so important then how can you trust he will ever be patient with you? What you need to do is start researching Islam for yourself. Reconfirm why YOU believe in it and then start to preach it to him. Speak to him about our nabi, the sahaba and what they did for Islam, and the changes that took place. Dedicate yourself to this subject. Show him videos, let him read parts of the quran and perhaps recite to him some surahs. Get him interested in the deen and show him how his life can become better. I suggest that you search up atheist convert stories and see how they converted. Show him all of these things, and above all, have patience.

    If you see that he is not willing to learn more or is insincere about converting, then leave him sister. I hate to say this to you, because i am someone who met the person i love the most in the world online about 9 months ago and we are planning to be together and so to tell someone else they may need to leave that relationship greatly hurts me. However, the man i met was a muslim, but he was a sunni and i was a shia. He was interested in shia and was researching about it and found much information that shocked him. He realised he cannot marry me if i was a shia because he cannot be with me in that way (he did not tell me he was thinking this). And so from then on, he dedicated his time to get me to learn about shias because i did not know much about my own sect. I grew very frustrated but he persisted and kept prompting me to learn about my own sect. I did not want to learn about it because it scared me. However, he told me we need to 'know ourselves' before we can get married. And so i started to seriously look into it and realised that i can no longer be a shia as i did not agree with them. I decided for myself that i cannot be a part of that sect anymore and when i told him, he was very happy. That is when he told me he couldnt marry me while i was a shia, but now he could. I felt hurt because he didnt tell me he would leave me if i stayed a shia but i realised that he was right; our children would be so confused and it is each muslims duty to look into their faith and learn it. And so, i feel you should take his approach. I listened to him because i cared about him and even though i always tried to stay away from that topic, he always sent me links and told me to look at it and then we would discuss it.

    Take this approach sister, and if he cannot find faith and love of Allah within his heart, then how will he love you in the long term? How do you know he will not bring alcohol into your home, and cook pig meat on your stove? You may be so loved up right now, but when you are together and discover his real habits, how do you know it will last?

    I hope you do what is best, and remember this is my advice. I do not know you nor do i know the man you speak off, but i have written this with the best of intention for you.

    Look into your heart.


    • Dear Sister, I changed your username because we have an Editor who goes by SisterZ and I didn't want there to be any confusion. If you don't like how I changed it you can change it to something else.

      Wael Editor

  5. Maybe this might convince him about God. Ask him, "If I told you I saw a wooden chair being built all by itself, no robot or anyone building it. Would you believe me or think I am lying? Pretty sure he would say you're lying. Then say to him, "You do not believe a wooden chair can be built all by itself but you believe that something as grand as the moon, the sun, the stars, etc... came all by themselves?

  6. Salam,

    Pray,pray,pray, dua,dua,dua.Let just Allah guide you,if he's the one he will bring him closer to youmif not he will let him away from you.You're the one going through it....Only Allah knows abt it.No one can judge you..If he is the choosen one..Allah will guide him..No one can say he is wrong cause only Allah knows his way of giving His Hidayah.

    Be happy.

  7. Salam sister
    I hope your well
    To be honest, I'm quite ashamed to say I've been in the same situation as you! I worked with a guy non Muslim for 3 years we have been really good friends more as best friends, never would I have thought I would all for him or see my self with him! Alot happened, both had problems in our lives and we confided within one anther after work meet for coffee, chat about what's going on and slowly slowly it started to devlop what I thought was love!? We spoke about marriage, and myself I practised Islam but could say wasn't full heartly as I was in a vulnerable place at the time! So we spoke about marriage he kind of pushed it to me that we both have the same belief in term of respect for other humans and if we had kids they would be good human beings however he Said he wouldn't convert to Islam! Which then made me realise that I wouldn't want him to convert either, what for a love that's just appeared! It kinda woke me up and burst this imaginary perfect fantasy bubble I was livin in! I snapped out of this crap of marrying and non Muslim and that whole love was nothing but attachment! I kinda cut all connections with the guy by bein cold was so hard as we sit next to each other at work but then ALLAH works in mysterious ways, he transferred his job to a different office which meant I havnt seen him for the last 3 months and it's helped my decision strive further
    What I'm trying to say is sister, you have to think about the bigger picture is you and Allah! Marrying a non Muslim is like marrying the shaitan! Do you really want that? Seriously your one decision can effect ur life and ur kids, wake up and see what's in front of you! Marry someone who will help spread the love and beauty of Islam and not demolish your creator! Whenever we would discuss politics I,e someone has been killed by a terrorist, my friend would say " see that's why I hate religion, why isn't god helping these people" we would end in a heated argument and there was no reasoning from something that doesn't involve us but in reality it does! We are worlds apart and so are you and this guy! It will be hard to cut connections but believe me you can live without a guy but u can't live without Allah and if u can ten you will have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life! Think clearly and rationally life can change drastically and one day when we need help we're always in the position to pray! So dont forget ALLAH and Allah won't forget you I hope you can eat through this, trust me were all stronger that we think- love is always confused with attachment and needs- we need ALLAH only

  8. Squamous,

    I am not a Muslim but I am in love with a Muslim woman. I cannot give you advice concerning your religion as I have only just recently began to learn and study the religion. I can tell you about my experiences with the Internet and my current relationship. When I first met my love, it was truly love at first sight. I grew up in the United States and was taught Christian values. Our love is true and we discuss our differences, she does not know it, but when I propose to her father I will ask him to teach me about Islam. This will be a surprise for her because I have always said that I would not convert, but as I thought of the events in my life and in her life, I cannot help but see that everything that has happened to us, good and bad, had brought us together. I truly believe Allah wants us to be together. I was a lost man and always associated Islam with terrorism because terrorists have destroyed the world image of Islam amongst other things, but that is for a different discussion. I was very reluctant to sit down and research true Islam. As I have been studying and researching I can't help but notice the peace and love in Islam.

    The more I study the more I see the values and teachings are the same as my beliefs, there are just some differences. I am saving my conversion for her father, I want to honor him and give him the pleasure of teaching me and announcing to him I am going to convert when I propose.

    My point in this story is that I love my girlfriend and in my mind she is my future wife and I will embrace this wonderful change in my life because I believe Allah has willed it. I used to be full of sin and he saved me and showed me the light through a beautiful Muslim woman he created for me. Your love if Allah wills it will do the same, not for you, but for him. You must let him know that you will not allow your children to grow up non-Muslim, this was another reason that I began to research and learn about Islam.

    Another thing I have experience with is that Internet social life and relationships. Please be cautious when it comes to people who thrive for relationships on the Internet. The above comments are correct about deceptive people on the Internet. It is easy to maintain a relationship through text and written word because unless you are trained then you cannot see deception in writing. Everything I have written here is from my opinion based on my experience. I wish you the best and inshallah your love will make the right decision as I have with mine and you will have a bright future. Be wary of those who judge you and your decisions for only Allah can judge you.

  9. Dear sister if he truly loved you and wanted to marry he would change for the sake of ALLAH

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