Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love a Christian girl, but I married a Muslimah

Intending to have a Muslim family

I am a Muslim man who had a relationship with a christian woman for almost 6 years without marrying her. The relationship was sexual and my feelings for her were strong while I worked away from my home country and we were 100% faithful to one another.

I want to have a good Muslim family and i wanted to find a Muslim wife that matches my background and religion. I found this woman in my country of birth and I married her without telling my girlfriend because i was very weak to discuss my intentions with her.

My girlfriend found out from social media that I got married and had a nervous breakdown as I avoided her calls while I was with my new wife in my home country. Common friends told me that she lost her mind and started acting strangely and cried non stop for days and nights.

2 weeks later she met a man that seduced her during her time of weakness and she had sex with him without any feelings maybe to feel better about herself or maybe to get even with me. I don't know why but I was married to another woman anyway.

I honestly almost had a breakdown when she told me about her sexual encounter with a man that she just met. The thought of her being with another man is too much for me to handle and I cannot take it.

My problem is that I love my girlfriend so much and I wish that I never treated her the way that I did. As a matter of fact, we are emailing each other and trying to figure out a way to get back together and get married!

I feel very guilty for treating my Girlfriend the way I treated her but now I am a married man and I do not want to hurt my Muslim wife who is a good woman but we barely love each other.

My love for my girlfriend and her love for me is very painful but I cannot be without. I cannot let go of her in my heart even though it seems like the right thing to do sometimes and thinking that love is not necessarily a good thing.

My work is already getting affected with this issue and so is my relationship with my wife and I feel the saddest and the most depressed that I had ever felt in my 33 years.

My Girlfriend is of a different race and religion but I cannot handle not being with her even though I am married. She expects me to separate from my wife in order for us to get married which is the wrong thing for me to do to my innocent wife. My Girlfriend then said that she is willing to marry me provided that I get approval of my wife which is also impossible.

I am willing to forgive her for her affair because I caused the devastation in her life forcing her to do what she did.  I  promised her marriage for many years, which I could not have my family approve of such marriage, even myself, I could not convince even my own self that I can marry her and live happily ever after. I just was not man enough to face the facts.

I did many things that are wrong to this woman. She breaks my heart and I feel so bad because i promised her but never delivered. She has no one in this world except for me. May God forgive me for my sins and guide me to the right way to deal with the situation.

I am so lost and confused, I lost so much weight in the last 6 weeks since I got married, I cannot get my Girlfriend out of my mind, if things continue the way they are, I am sure I will lose my mind.

Please advice and pray for me.

~ rickashade

 

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114 Responses »

  1. Wow this is intense may Allah guide you brother. Whats done is done, if you feel this strongly about both women then you do have the option of polygamy. The first wife may not like it but its is your right to do so. It is her right to stay or leave but either way you cannot keep sinning like this. Now that you're married every interaction with the gf is cheating. You gotta do something brother this life is nothing but a glittery display, we are but visitors and your ONLY concern should be doing what pleasing to your creator. This is a blessed month ask Allah to guide you.

  2. Oh my god brother, I seriously don't know what to say but still I will say something which I cannot help myself. 

    1) Firstly you wear sinning by being in relationship and had zina. Okay then you left her and married a Muslim girl. VERY GOOD,but still you are sinning by connect with your xgf you know you are married you saying your wife is innocence but still in one senesce you making your wife fool. 

    2) you said you love your gf? If it's so why you didn't married her? Because Just for your own needs you want muislim wife? Same background? Then you married Muslim so you should be happy and should have forget about your gf and love your wife not your gf.

    3) you said you feel guilty the way you treated your gf? You should feel guilty the way you treating your WIFE!!!

    4) ". She expects me to separate from my wife in order for us to get married which is the wrong thing for me to do to my innocent wife. My Girlfriend then said that she is willing to marry me provided that I get approval of my wife which is also impossible."

    Well brother you saying it's impossible still you want your gf it's totally wrong brother. You saying your wife is innocence then I really can't see why you can't love your wife? She is your wife you should love her it's your responsibility.

    5) you willing to forgive her???? Did she came to you and ask for to forgive her? NO it's you doing the wrong thing. I don't blame your xgf it's you who was wrong you promised her but at end you married an innocence lady an now you doing wrong again with both of them.

    Brother lastly I will say that shaytaan had trapped you so tightly and you stuck and trapping more. 
    I am sorry of I am being rude.

    • Hello brother,

      May Allah bring u in a right path. It's really crazy
      That she slept with other men, you already lost
      Her (xgf ) don't lose your wife she didn't do anything
      Wrong she trusted you and give all her life to you
      Without knowing your past.. Forget about your gf and
      Start a new life with your WIFE..
      Take care!

    • Sorry I forgot to post one link, http://www.womaninthequran.com/05.html get some time and read it. I know it's not related with your situation but you need to learn. Learning dosent consider any age.

  3. Asalamu alikum,

    My dear brother, I am so sorry about the situation you are in- but the most important question is what are you going to do now?

    Here is what i observed from you post- you are a confused fellow...

    a) you say you love your ex but you dont see her as a long term commitment- and now that you left- you want her back and are still communicating with her? This is a realistic feeling, as you have had a 6 year relationship with her which is a long time. Yes, you will be heartbroken, and you should expect to miss her and still love her for a long time.

    b) and now you say you want a muslim family- but now that you have it- you are not investing in it!!! you are spending your time depressed thinking about your ex lover, and making your new wife miserable. do you really want to stay married?

    so now brother you have two options...

    1) Commit to Marriage: write an apology letter to your ex lover and then cut off ties- no more communication immediately . No more promising about marrying her. Make up your mind, because you are playing games with both women and you are not helping yourself in this world or for your after life. Because you are still sinning by talking to your ex. You will still miss your ex, but instead of focusing on that- learn about your new wife, get to know her and in time you will love her, and treat this as a brand new start for yourself.

    2) Leave the wife:: if you cant live with the new wife- and are making her and yourself miserable- then tell her about your little situation- and then divorce her, tell your family openly about what happened, and get married to your ex, and make it a halal relationship. if you are not man enough to do that, then stop talking to your ex, and making false promises! You might cause a lot of trouble with this option, but atleast you are not making a fool of your new wife, who is probably thinking something is wrong with her, that you are depresssed all the time.

    The point is- MAKE UP YOUR MIND and stop playing games with these women. and How you do that is by praying istikhara and turning to Allah. You need make some serious dua in the last few days of Ramadan and get yourself on the straight parth my brother. If you want a muslim family, and then prove you do and commit to your new wife.

    And the last point is- dont think about these women- think about your akhira- your end- we all will die one day brother- and you and your deeds will be in the grave all alone. No partner. Think about what you are doing and what will benefit you in the after life. Who will bring you closer to Allah? And if that decision is hard, you ask Allah everyday to make it easier for you.

    Lastly- if you ask allah for help and turn to him, he will help you. But if you run away from him- he will not be there.

    May your situation get clearer and i hope you find the straight path my friend.

    Samira

  4. To the readers,

    I so really wish, I could simply ignore the fact that I have read this post! This post makes me sick, sad, angry and worst I feel like I'll almost end up cursing someone, which I do not wish to!

    Honestly, I am not someone who gets harsh or judgemental in any of the replies I post here, I usually tend to mind my language, but I'll have to admit this post has made it really difficult for me to maintain my composure. I am sorry (to the readers and not the OP) if I may sound harsh, but let me speak my mind, for once.

    To the OP,

    I am willing to forgive her for her affair

    Well, when did your ex ask for one??? Do you realise the woman you claimed to have loved got involved with someone ONLY after you betrayed her and deserted her?? In which case, you have now no authority whatsoever left to question her life, her decisions and whatever she does!

    I feel very guilty for treating my Girlfriend the way I treated her but now I am a married man and I do not want to hurt my Muslim wife who is a good woman but we barely love each other.

    So was hurting, betraying and deserting a woman who had loved you, who had selflessly and sincerely cared for you for more than six years of her life to marry another woman (now your wife!) OKAY for you? You in fact diligently planned it all, didn't you? Also, I am amazed to see how concerned and careful you were to avoid the woman you claimed to have love ONLY to protect your life and respect, as a "MARRIED MAN"! Can clearly see, you love yourself immensely. For not ALLAH, not ISlam, not your family, not the woman who loved you, not your wife, nothing at all is a concern when it comes to your sincere affection for your ownself! I must really admire this, good to know you're sincere about at least one thing in life!

    I want to have a good Muslim family and i wanted to find a Muslim wife that matches my background and religion. I found this woman in my country of birth and I married her without telling my girlfriend because i was very weak to discuss my intentions with her.

    Honestly, I do not see anything ISLAMIC in your life before or after marriage! Let me be very honest to you, you carried on a relationship (completely forbidden to a MUSLIM) with a woman for more than six years, even though from the very beginning, you were sure you had no intentions of marrying her. Islam, was clearly never a concern!

    Then you went on to betray and abandon that woman to marry a MUSLIMAH because you wanted to raise a good Muslim family, but then you never really did it, and instead stepped further in the cesspool you have created by indulging in something that violates the sanctity of a marriage. Please help me understand, if this what a GOOD MUSLIM FAMILY LIFE, you were aiming to acheieve, is like! Islam, again, it seems is not your concern!

    At the end of it all, I would "request" you to do me a FAVOUR, please spare sometime and read through hundreds of stories of women (both Muslims & Non-Muslims, partners or wives) who were betrayed and deserted by men they had loved for years, might just help you a little.

    Honestly, I am not one to get judgemental, sarcastic or harsh on people, but I couldn't resist writing this reply to you after reading everything that you have said. Do you know this forum is full of women readers who are struggling to lead a normal life, who're perhaps scarred for life, who're emotionally stunted for life, only because the men they thought loved them to bits turned out to be selfish people who never cared? I wonder, why is it so easy for not MEN but people like you to ruin a person's life only to pleasure themselves for a few years?

    Ideally, my only suggestion to you would be, please walk out of the women's lives you have played around with so callously. Please get out of both your wife and your ex's life and leave them alone for good, they don't deserve someone like you, who's completely incapable of love. Please spare them the agony, and let them find MEN who will love them and respect them for everything that they really are.

    Finally, please don't talk about MUSLIM or ISLAM anywhere to support and justify the decisions you have taken, ISLAM doesn't preach what you have followed and practiced!

    • Assalamualaikum ,
      @tourbillion
      I completely agree with you .. 110% agreed..
      @ rikashade
      Repent , repent , repent..
      You tried to devastate one woman's life and now you are destroying another's.
      Mend your ways. Return back to the true Islam and ask Allah(s.w.t)'s forgiveness together with the people involved.
      I'm sorry to be harsh and to the point. But stop playing with people's lives for your own pleasure.
      May Allah(s.w.t) guide you to the straight path.
      Ameen
      Masalaam

    • I agree 100% with tourbillon! Brother rickashade, from what i read in ur post i can see that you only think of yourself! Why did u get married then if u love ur gf??? now that you have then make a life with your wife and put up with suffering as you have only urself to blame. Cut all contacts with ur ex and repent. Gain more knowledge of islam and put it into practice.

  5. Men like you make us all look bad. Muslims like you have joy rides with non-muslim women and when it is time to marry , you want a typical, obedient, virgin muslim wife.

  6. I am sorry to say but you didnt do good with your gf why did u give her false hopes and made promises which you couldnt fullfil. You destroyed three lifes your gf life, wife and your own. If you really loved your gf why did you get married to another lady i am sure your gf even though she is not muslim she would have converted to islam and become a religious women because she crazily loves you as i can imagine from your post. Because of you she went to another men. I know it would be difficult for your wife to accept her as your second wife but you can marry ur gf but first try to help her and explain her how difficut it would be for her to adjust with another wife. Sorry for being harsh but i cant imagine how you guys play with others life and make fake promises. Allah will forgive you for what you did to her if u ask tawbah but she will never forgive you for what you did to her. Sorry for using these words because i myself am a girl and can understand the pain of your gf because i was also once in the situation in which she is now. Allah help everyone of us.

  7. i agree with sis Tourbillon sorry to say i never cursed anyone in my life but i feel to now.

    • for starters.. we're no one to judge anyone else.. yes we may get furious overlooking a situation that we feel we would have dealt differently.. but that doesn't give us the right to curse anyone else.. so It's great you expressed your urges of wanting to curse.. but seriously? wasn't needed!

  8. You want to forgive her for the affair? you dont need to forgive her because she was not your wife a girlfriend is a nobody in islam. She can do what she likes.Stop seeing this other woman she does not have morals sleeping with another man.Do you want to give up a muslim wife for that? I do not think you will be happy ever again if you do that.Stop all contact with this woman and concentrate on your wife.Love does fade away if you stop contacting it happend to many.

    • a girlfriend is a nobody in islam.

      Well, she is a human being too. And Islam tells us, "Don't do unto others as you wouldn't have others do unto you".

  9. My work is already getting affected with this issue and so is my relationship with my wife and I feel the saddest and the most depressed that I had ever felt in my 33 years.

    That's indeed a matter of serious concern, because after all it involves you! Work getting affected is more serious than a woman's entire life getting affected, which again was conveniently ignored only because like you said, "I wasn't man enough to face the facts!"

    My Girlfriend is of a different race and religion but I cannot handle not being with her even though I am married. She expects me to separate from my wife in order for us to get married which is the wrong thing for me to do to my innocent wife.

    Can we just skip using the term "innocent" here? To me, it seems, that is really not a matter of concern, as far as you're concerned. In fact, what I feel is, leaving and abandoning the MUSLIM wife (of same background) as easily as abandoning the woman (of different race & religion, even though your partner of 6 years), is not possible because you don't want to lose face in your society and also because you don't want to face the backlash or the repercussions you will have to deal with, when you and your wife's family will be exposed to your real self!

    The fact is, you exactly know what you have done, why and HOW! You're clearly not a victim of circumstance! You're in fact very smart for all of us. I suspect, the christian woman had no access to your family or acquaintance back in your home country. So it was always very easy for you to just pack up and leave which you clearly know you cannot do with your wife.

    Honestly, you know what, I feel, you have taken advantage of your ex's background. If I may say, you're no different than the man who exploited her in a weak moment. Worst is, you took advantage of her sincere affection for you, you took advantage of her belief in you!

    Honestly, I really feel sorry for you, and not that woman. It seems, God certainly loves her to have saved her from you.

    I wish, God helps your wife too. Both these women deserve a better life and a MAN.

  10. @Tourbillon, Really well said. Almost exactly what I wanted 2 say. I will just add a few thing.

    Mr 'rickashade', u cheated ur gf n married another woman without informing her. Further more u avoided her phone calls n contact (which technically good in islamic terms). But u hurt her by these actions. N u didn't even feel right to say a SORRY to her. This was OK for you. But when she slept with another guy u felt cheated ? Give me a break plz. Its her life n she had a relationship with someone else only after u abandoned her.

    U said u have forgiven her. Hello Mr 'rickashade', u forgive her 4 a crime she didn't do ? U can marry another person without telling her but u expect her 2 be faithful to u even after u have abandoned her ? I can't n shouldn't use harsh words but to be honest ur a jerk (readers n admin plz forgive me 4 d word but couldn't control)
    One more thing Mr OP, u said u wanted 2 have a 'MUSLIM Family'. Can u plz explain what u mean by that coz from ur words its quite clear that u had no intention of ending this illegitimate relationship with ur gf even after marriage coz u Urself are saying that u can't let go of her coz u love her immensely. Actually u don't love her. U love Urself.
    U haven't spoiled one woman's life but two women. U may think how but u have already cheated ur wife by hiding ur past n continuing to contact ur xgf.
    She (ur xgf) is giving u an option 2 make this relationship halal by marrying her but yet ur not ready 2 take that option b rather want to carry on with her like this.
    D way I see it, U have only 3 options.
    1 - Forget ur gf n start a fresh life with ur wife.
    2 - Divorce ur wife n marry ur gf.
    3 - Marry ur gf while keeping ur wife. (polygamy)
    These are d only 3 halal solutions to ur problem I could come up with.
    So if ur really sincere about rectifying ur mistakes, then u would take one of d above 3 options. Rest is Upon Allah to guide U my fellow muslim
    SORRY (to d readers n admin, if I said anything wrong or harsh)

  11. Bother my advise to you would be leave your Muslim wife before you get her pregnant and an innocent child is hurt as well and go find the other one and live happily ever after, It makes me sick to think that a Muslim sister of mine thinks she is married to a man when in reality she is married to a rubbish Bollywood wannabe actor who thinks this life is a game, Ask your wife's forgiveness and repent and ask Allah forgiveness about your sins act now while you still can, and can i ask how old are you if your under 18 forgive my harshness if not then i'am even more appalled at you,

  12. As Salamualaikum,

    Brother rickashade, I hope you realize that you have committed a sin which is highly hated by Allah. You have committed Zina. And the Punishment of Allah is severe. No one can ever imagine himself burning in the Fire of Hell. Can you? May Allah save me and you from it.

    Zina is something highly disliked and strongly forbidden in Islam. You should once and for all turn to Allah in Repentance. Whether He Forgives you or not is His Wish, but to repent in your duty. But if you don't, then don't you think it will be difficult for you to pass the test? The World is no more than a test. The Final Abode is The Hereafter.
    Is it wise to worry about the Haraam and leave the Halaal in this short life and waste it completely?

    So, repent.

    I don't understand what good you see in a girl who retaliates by having sex with another man (though she was not Halaal for you).
    This sounds pathetic. I would run as far as possible from such a girl if I saw her.

    There is no good for you in her. On top of all reasons, she is not a Muslim who loves Allah. So, just throw the ideas that lead to her in a garbage bin. She is no good for you at any cost. If you wish to ruin your Aakhirah, then perhaps she is the best choice. I am sure you don't wish so. For this reason, she is someone who I would consider to be a "virus" in your system. You need the antivirus in the form of Tawbah and the love of your legal loving wife to trash her from your system and delete her permanently with no option for restoration.

    Your wife who is pious is a gift from Allah. Hold tight to her and please Allah together with her. Give her all her rights and all the love she deserves. Know that Allah Loves her and will love you too insha Allah, if you take good care of her. I would not agree with whoever advises you to leave her. Just hold tight to her and keep her happy. Give her all the happiness you can, all that she deserves.

    This way, you can lead a peaceful life with a Muslimah, as you had intended. This is what you wanted, right? Allah have it to you. Now, respect it and take good care of it. If you lose it, I'm sure you'll be in a great trouble. So, keep her happy and you stay happy with her.

    I hope you all the best

    Wassalamualaikum
    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Ok so Muhammad Waseem your blood doesn't boil when you see a "Muslim Man" sin for years willingly, even when he's conscious of the fact that he's violating Allah's lessons, his religion and the human morality by treating a woman like an object to pleasure himself?!?! You don't find the man or his actions worthy of the the term "garbage" or "garbage bin" or virus, but you certainly find a Non-muslim woman who this "Muslim" "Man" ABUSED worthy of such demeaning words?!?! You know even the man in question is referring to this Christian lady as a "woman he loves / loved"! so Can you at least use a modest language that doesn't disrespect a woman?!? This being an Islamic forum doesn't mean you cover up or glorify even the worst of our people's actions and conduct while trashing and blaming everything and everyone who doesn't belong to the fold. If my child goes out and commits a wrong with or without the neighbour's child, my responsibility is to pull up and correct my child and his conduct and not call the neighbour's child names and hold him responsible forall the wrongs!

      This attitude makes me sick. Also, no matter how weak a man's character is, a good Muslim or non Muslim woman must tolerate it and never react to it, right? The wife no matter how pious will have to leave with a man who's not a match to her AND the woman who was sincere in her affection for this man must die but not react to his betrayal and his infidelity?!?!

      ...People can't treat fellow human beings with respect and compassion and then wrong talk about Akhirah. Makes me sick to the core.

      • asalamalaikum brother waseem,

        i agree with tourbillon. i got the same impression from your reply. you are the editor of this webisite i expected a responsible answer from you, instead you gave very hateful and biased reply.

        your sympathies are withthis brother and his wife but that poor girl , what about her ?

        I don't understand what good you see in a girl who retaliates by having sex with another man (though she was not Halaal for you).
        This sounds pathetic. I would run as far as possible from such a girl if I saw her.

        you know what really is pathetic! this MUSLIM man being with a woman ( who by the the way is a christian and he could have married her as he can if she a from people of the book or atleast ask her to consider islam) but all this time he never actually considered marrying her, than without telling her or finishing things with her went to marry (i.e destroy) another woman's life. but still keeping in touch with the girl friend( i.e cheating) on his wife!

        subhanallah!!!!!

        this pious woman is gift from Allah????? this pious woman deserves a pious man, she deserves a gift from Allah , not this !!!!!!!! indeed she has been put through a test by Allah and may Allah make it easy for her.

        brother rickashade,

        you seriously need to think what you want, sincerely first apologise to your girl friend and then to your wife( if she knows about the gril friend otherwise dont transfer your misery to her) . take sometime on your own and pray to Allah to show you the way, do istikhara, inshallah He will guide you to what is best for you.

        • I'm sorry to say.. but I don't quite understand what's wrong with brother waseem's comment?

          • The comment by Waseem has been edited, already since the "problem" was pinpointed and some comments on this post completely got deleted! You should have read that to understand why so many people had to object to it!!!

            YOu may not have felt anything wrong about it, but if the EDITOR himself have removed it, because he himself eventually realised it was not right!

            Many thanks!

      • Yes brother waseem, what about this non muslim girl???? She slept with another men because her so called muslim bf left her and got married all of a sudden. Is she not a victim of this muslim brother???

        • Muslim girl, you said "She slept with another men
          because her so called muslim
          bf left her and got married all
          of a sudden"

          Do you mean this is justified? If you reread my comment above, you will see that I have clearly mentioned that he has committed a sin. Additionally, I think he is here for an advise on how to move on. I have him an advise on how he can move on. On this website, people come to seek advise, and we strive to advise them as best as we can, and not bash them and discourage them.

          My advise to him was to do Tawbah. Because the doors to Tawbah are open with Allah, until a person dies or until the day of resurrection. And noone has any right to stop anyone from doing Tawbah. It was the belief of the Khawarij that if anyone sinned, he became a Kaafir and would enter the Hell for eternity. Does anyone have a similar fatwa for the poster?

          @tourbillion, I agree that many people make use of the laws of Islam and do wrong in the shade of Tawbah. But as I said, the doors of Tawbah are open, and it is something between a servant and Allah. We have nothing to do with it. If anyone pretends to do Tawbah, then Allah Will Deal with it. We have no say in it, because we do not know what the reality is. We do not know what the brother feels. If his Tawbah is sincere or he is pretending.
          Just like a Hadith that mentions Usamah bin Zayd Radiyallahu Anhuma:

          Usama bin Zayd was fighting
          during a battle. He was about to kill a kafir, when he
          pronounced the shahada.
          Usama still killed him. When
          the matter came to the Rasul, he was very angry with what Usama did. Usama said the man had only pronounced the shahada to protect himself. The Rasul replied to him by asking him, "Did you open his heart to see what he meant?"

          On offence was meant for women, but I was trying to help the brother overcome his grief. Again you may say he is pretending, I will say Allah Knows Best and He Will Deal with it.

          May Allah Forgive us and Guide us
          Aameen

          Muhammad Waseem
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Don't know if there's a problem, but these comments appeared in my mailbox but not on the forum. Were they edited or is it a technical error?

            Author: missy
            Comment:
            @ Muhammed Waseem "Just throw her and the ideas that lead to her in a garbage bin"... Reading that made me feel so disgusted.. I am sorry to be rude but those words are extremely unacceptable, you are treating this woman as if she is nothing because she is not a muslim?? We all make mistakes but it is those that truly repent and realise their mistakes that allah has mercy on them. I have been reading the posts on this site for a long time now and this is the first that I have commented as I could not believe what I read when you said those words, @ tourbillon thank u for your comments, it is people like u that speak their mind and are not afraid to say what is right that helps us fellow muslims

            Author: muslimgirl
            Comment:
            Brother waseem ur basically saying its ok to 'bash' non muslims and criticise them... With my limited knowledge im sure Allah did not say that. maybe you shouldent have talked about that christen women in that manner/tone. There is no need for that as the women is thr victim here. You could have just given advice to the poster brother.

            I dnt mean to be harsh but its my true opinion. Forgive me if i upset u.

          • I don't know if anyone deleted them. Possibly, they might have been deleted due to a technical error. I can't find the comments anywhere now.
            Anyway, they say the same thing as the others have said, except that one of them praises you, while putting me down.

            🙂

            Muhammad Waseem
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salams,
      My blood boils when i read the OP's post and it boils even more when i read Waseems response.
      Run away from such a woman??? He was part of the action.He apparently loves her, he even had a relationship with her. Maybe she should run from him.He dragged her along for not 1 but 6 years with empty promises then he now acts like a victim. He is sad and depressed? He ruined a woman's life and is in the process of ruining anothers. No one deserves such kind of treatment, muslim or non muslim. Did it occur to you that maybe this girl has no idea of what islam says about pre-marital relationships? Maybe she was brought up in a society where courting is the norm...put yourself in her shoes. The OP is muslim and he went against the teachings of islam. I think the OP did her wrong and is doing the same to his wife.
      So all along he knew that he wanted a family built on islamic fundamentals, why did he do her like that, why did he stay for 6 yrs then pack up and leave?? Commit Zina for Allah knows how long?
      Repentance is of utmost importance in the ummahs relationship with Allah swt, but we dont willingly commit sins over and over again thinking that we will be forgiven anytime we want, when we seek forgiveness. A big joke. It is very disrespectful.
      I say he should not drag an innocent muslim lady into all the drama he's got going on. He should sincerely repent, repent somemore and somemore and lead an islamic lifestyle.
      I feel for the gf because i was once in such a position where lies, deception and betrayal were served to me. Thank God i learnt about islam. Maybe she knows nothing about islam maybe she does. All in all she was treated wrong, taken advantage of then dumped.
      OP get yourself together and stop acting like a victim. Take repsonsibility of your very wrong actions and make the needed corrections.

      Salams.

  13. Mr Waseem, Ur point abt Zina is true n there is no doubt abt it being a big sin in islam.

    But what i dont agree to is point abt bashing d girl. Y r U accusing d gf ? Y r u saying bad abt her ? Muslim or non-muslim, we hav no right 2 accuse anyone of wrong doing untill we hav proof. What proof do u hav that she retaliated by sleeping with someone else ? How can U say 'retaliated' ? He left her n so its her life what she does with it. U think this muslim guy did a great thing by promising her stuff n then ditching her like this ? U don't U 1st blame d guy ?
    Further more, how can U say d gf is a virus ? She may not be a muslim but that doesn't mean she isn't a good person. It also doesn't mean that she will never convert 2 islam. He has himself said that she offered 2 marry him. So that shows she is ready 2 make this relationship halal (she is christian n muslim men can marry christian women).
    My whole point is U can't call that christian woman names like 'virus' or anything. She has as much a right 2 be addressed respectfully as this so called 'muslim brother' who has ruined her life.
    Allah hasn't given us any right 2 accuse anyone of anything wrong unless we have evidence of it.
    Be careful Mr Waseem what U speak about others, muslim or non-muslim.
    (I see ur one of d admins so I hope u don't delete this comment coz its against Ur mistake)
    May Allah guide us All to d right path.

    • It does not go like that brother/sister. If a Mu'min is at a mistake, he strives to correct it and not hide it. I am a slave of Allah who strives to earn His Pleasure. Any mistake I make, when pointed out, insha Allah I strive to correct it.

      Yes, perhaps my tone was loud. But do not go by the words used by me such as the virus. I generally use such words as analogy. Here, I said it because the brother was finding it difficult to move on, while the girl had already moved on.

      And I said "retaliated", because the brother mentions that. Otherwise, why would she mention it to him? And Allah Knows Best.

      Thank you for the reminder.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. I would feel sorry for her if she was not still talking to this man while he is married and plotting how to get him back, no matter what story he has told her about family forcing him or what ever they truly deserve each other,

  15. Wow from reading your post not only once you said you feel bad for your wife poor thing I hate to see poor women go threw that with man"s, you keep saying how badly you heart your girlfriend. Anyways do what ever is best for you insallah Allah help you get threw this soon.

  16. I was in situation of your ex gf even she will try to forget u but m sure she never
    She will curt u and even your wife forever. For being betrayed by Muslim man with the word
    His reality his religion his family it's feeling really so heartbroken and big revenge.

  17. as-salaam-u-alaikum-wr-wb!

    what do you understand as your mistake? marrying a Muslimah whom you don't love or deceiving a Christian lady whom you loved but didn't have the guts to marry? I won't go in to too much of what you did wrong & how disgusting it was! as i believe tourbillion has done a good job of that .. anyhow..

    In this situation both the ladies are innocent not just your wife alone brother!

    every now & then us human-beings.. foolish & selfish as we are make mistakes! from the minor to major we all make mistakes! none of us are perfect! the fact that you acknowledge that you've made a mistake is a good sign.. now the next step is not to sit there feeling sorry for yourself & continuing your sin! you seriously need to gather courage & put an end to it!

    Brother.. make the most of the very last few days that are left of Ramadan.. & seek for forgiveness from Allah *swt*.. This is a great opportunity for you for to repent.. his blessed opportunity only knocks on our door once a year! who knows if you'll be alive to see tomorrow again?? REPENT for your mistake & mean it!

    repentance doesn't just mean shedding a few tears momentarily then adopting your old ways again.. there are set conditions for repentance in total three conditions..

    1) CONFESSION OF CRIME (acknowledge that you have committed a sin.. don't just continue sinning like a daft bat thinking you're doing a good deed)..

    2) SHAMEFULNESS (feel guilty! don't just sit there grinning to yourself thinking you're a top don)

    3) FIRM AIM TO QUIT THE SIN! (no ifs no buts just end it!)

    say a BIG NO to haraam acts! for the future.. & in my opinion you should just standby your halal wife.. & not engage in any haraam acts.. (by keeping in touch with your christian ex-gf)..

    look at your current situation.. stop living in your past & focus on your present & future!

  18. I understand from the comments that the women who read this post are very, very furious... However, we should understand that we're here to give ISLAMIC advice, and not to insult, curse, or judge these people. I'll be honest, i'm new to this site, but the amount of Zina stories i've come across is unbelievable (BOTH MALE AND FEMALES ARE GUILTY HERE, AND NOT JUST MALES)... And to think we're all muslims!! Sometimes i just want to scream at these people, but No. Thats not why they share their stories, not so that we can insult or criticize them, but to give them the best advice possible. This man is no different, as WRONG as he might be, he needs advising not taunting. @Tourbillon and Newgirl, you have all the rights to be mad, but keep it to yourselves. Brother Waseem is only giving the guy ISLAMIC advice, not supporting him. Advice that might save his imaan and not destroy it. Please Let the man do his job...

    • However, we should understand that we're here to give ISLAMIC advice, and not to insult, curse, or judge these people.

      Well that exactly is the point, we have made to Waseem! No one's objected to his advice, we have objected to the language he's used! I have already elaborated why we must ourselves first than blame everything on others!

      And we're not judging anybody here, we're going by the FACTS the OP's provided us. You're new to the forum, but we have been here for sometime now, you need to read the stories of a lot of women here to understand their anguish.

      Everyone's doing their job, like Waseem is.

      • I agree with darknight.. I also feel the same way about certain people who are commenting..

        • @ Nazo, OK, so are readers on this forum going to decide who's eligible to comment and who's not eligible to comment, what they must say and what they must not?!?! Only because people have different views to offer, because some people are speaking for women and more concerned for their well being?

          I am not going to bow down to any amount of attacks!

    • ithink every one is mad at this situation, i hope including you. if you read carefully we are not trying to put this brother down, he knows what he has done and still doing!!!! this point we are raising here is that there is no regard or consideration for the two woman who have been destroyed , it isnt that simple when others have been involved in your selfish sin, ou cant expect yourself to walk out clean just by repenting and not actually asking for forgiveness from the peole that you have harmed. Allah expects that from us!

      • Salaams,

        You're right friend. The very least he can do is apologize to the ex and own what he's done. I'm not sure how much of an apology he can give his wife, as she may still be unaware of this history.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Friend!!!

        How I wish, we could speak! 🙂

        God bless you!

        latourbillon

  19. Sisters/Brothers,

    I don't think any Mu'min will not have his or her blood boil at what the poster has done. There is no doubt that he has done what is strongly detested.

    But you should know that when a Mu'min's heart boils, he thinks about and reminds the wrong person about the Punishment of Allah Subhaanah. It is not wrong about the Aakhirah, but something you and I have to face one day. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:

    Anas reported: “The Messenger of Allaah said: 'Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or is oppressed.' A man asked: 'O Messenger of Allaah! I (know how to) help him when he is oppressed, but how can I help him when he is an oppressor?' He said: 'You can restrain him from committing oppression. That will be your help to him.'” [Al- Bukhaari & Muslim]

    Alhamdulillah, this is what I did. In the process of thinking about the past, he would ruin the life of my Muslim sister. How can I see that happen?

    Alright I don't deny that the blood boils and we read about his deeds and that he did not have the courtesy to inform her that he's getting married to a Muslimah. And another thing, there's no denial that he is at a bigger fault that being a Muslim he's committed Zina. And Islam has prescribed a punishment for such a sin. Without any doubt, the heart of any Muslim would boil at this act. But today, it is rarely practiced, illa ma sha Allah.
    So, in this situation, Tawbah is what we can advise.

    Perhaps your rage against me is because I did not treat the girl and the poster equal. The poster is a Muslim who believes in Allah. If one of your children errs, will you slap him or her and drive him or her out of your house or will you advise on how to repent from it and please Allah? Because this life is a test for the Hereafter, which is the real abode.
    Yes, maybe my tone was a little higher regarding the girl, and I am sorry for that.
    It was not the same for the brother, because there is a chance for his Tawbah, much more than that of the girl. Indeed, Allah guides whoever He Wills to.

    But Allah accepts Tawbah from whoever does it sincerely.

    So, the conclusion is that the poster is on error, more than the girl, but this should not be a reason for my Muslim sister's life to be ruined. I am of the opinion that if should do Tawbah for his sin and become a pious Muslim, giving his wife all her rights, as she deserves.

    It is better that he does not leave her and strives to please Allah along with her.

    This is my personal opinion and Allah Knows Best.

    Ramadan is ending. Please do not have any grudge against me. I am sorry if I have said anything that has made you angry at me.

    Wassalamualaikum
    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Mohammad Waseem,

      Firstly I really don't believe that you should be apologising, but as you have I sincerely hope that all those who took offence will accept your apology.

      Ps: Tourbillon, I agree with most of what you said but I also agree with Mohammad Waseem-the poster may well be sincerely repenting, if he wasn't originally then hopefully Insha Allah he will after all the responses

      A comment for the poster,

      Please, please live each day as though it is your last, read each salah as though it is your last and sincerely repent. Also follow the advice previously given and do istiharah-may Allah SWT bless us all and forgive us all for all our sins minor and major, those known to us aswell as those we are not aware of and may Allah SWT guide us-Ameen.

    • brother waseem you have said Alright I don't deny that the blood boils no I don't agree with that.. your blood should not be boiling when you see the deeds that he has done.. you can disagree & be disgusted.. but why on earth would your blood boil readers? do people post their personal issues here to get you readers to turn around & boil your blood & outrage at them? no.. so relax yourselves down..

  20. hold on a second.. for all of you who are suggesting for him to return back to the "love" of his life..

    can someone shine some light on the topic of whether according to Islam he can keep in touch with his ex-gf?

    no he can't so what's all the fuss about? It was this brothers mistake that he had a relationship with the lady in the first place.. so brother you should be repenting for that mistake..

    YES he's done wrong for crying out aloud.. we're past that stage.. the point is what to do next?

    & the first step is you should not be contacting your ex-gf.. until you don't make your mind up of what to do there's no point of yoyo'ing with this ladies feelings yet again!

    currently.. you don't really have many halal options brother.. apart from cutting off ties with this lady totally! & just living your life with your wife..

    IF however you choose to marry this lady & you're still at it.. then..

    1) you could divorce your wife & marry this lady
    2) you could marry this lady & make her your second wife

    come on brother.. nothing's easy in life.. when you have to do something you just have to do it.. sometimes we should kill our desire for the betterment of ourselves..

    the choice is yours..

  21. The reason, why most women readers feel sick, tired and angry is, because of the fact that this repulsive GAME of getting involved with a woman (Muslim / Non Muslim, whosoever seems a soft target) in the name of marriage and then betraying them in the name of religion is now becoming a recurring phenomenon! Every week, we have at least 2 / 3 such posts on the forum and everytime by a new person!

    Worst is, we often advice such people that, it was a mistake you acted worst to others, but now you can do tawbah (as if it's a ritual!) and hope for ALLAH to forgive you. To me, it reeks of convenience than repentance. In fact, I feel, somehow these men (or women) have no fear / no shame / no conscience whatsoever, and the "Do tawbah" is perhaps the perfect escape window, they keep looking for, to do whatever they please. As if, they can take ALLAH for a ride!!!

    You see, a person's iman, needs to reflect in his / her actions and not merely in his / her words!

    What I am fighting for is the fact that perhaps we need to make these people realise that God's watching this all, and a man (or a woman) who has malice in his (/ her) heart and who with malafide INTENTIONS has deliberately harmed another human being (of no matter what gender, creed, caste or religion) cannot simply get away with his (/her) sin!!! One needs to make these people realise, that they cannot completely absolve themselves of their wrong doings, just by merely acting up a "tawbah".

    In fact, the current post and the OP is a perfect example of how Islam and it's teaching are used for an individual's convenience and more so to squeeze oneself out of a difficult unpleasant situation!

    My question is, why should we even allow and lead the entire world to hate a religion for the wrongdoings of an individual, we try very hard to cover up when it's wrt to a non-muslim, whereas we would have killed the same man, if it he would have done that to a Muslim!

    Also please Waseem, do not make this as a "My Muslim Sister" versus just another non-muslim woman thing! All human beings needs to be treated equally and in a respectful manner. One needs to give out respect to earn the much deserved respect! Just because this is a ISLAMIC forum, we cannot talk about Non-Muslim people, their faith, their beliefs, their conduct in a disrespectful manner. Please remember people form long lasting impressions by witnessing a lot of things here. And also, our words here can affect the course of someone's life, who perhaps is completely innocent.

    Also, what good are we trying to acheive by insisting a good pious woman to endure a relationship with her husband, who's a philanderer, a perpetual liar, who's abused women in the name of love and marriage? Don't we have posts flooding the forum where women have said that they married a man thinking he was a good Muslim, someone who followed his deen, only to eventually realise he was everything but that? Haven't we read how painful it eventually becomes, for this women, especially with children involved? Do we want more children to grow up in broken homes, where actually there's no Ideal Muslim for the children to look upto? Isn't it better in that case, that a good Muslim woman is allowed to find herself a good Muslim man than continue a bad marriage with a man who's absolutely no match to her!?

    My only point is, ISLAM is about IMAN, is about mercy, is about compassion! Let's stick to that first.

    Also, I am glad, to have read LALA's response, at least, there's one man, who's spoken in complete honesty, and without any bias! Thank you!

    • well said tourbillon.

      iam so pleased that finally someone has put in clear wordings here.i also get very annoyed by these biased advise and use of repentance as an escape goat.

      i 100% share the same thoughts as yours.May Allah reward you for placing it in clear open words. and thanks to editors for publishing it.

      i was also glad to read lala's response.

    • Oh trust me, nothing makes me more enraged than the 'I CAN SIN, AND I CAN REPENT' game that people seem to be playing in our modern time. Oblivious to the fact that Allah(SWT) knows what their intentions are, and whats in their hearts. I, as a guy, HATES this idea of theirs because i've been staying away from women for years (and ive never been with any1) just so that i dont fall into shaytaans trap, and its incredibly difficult! My point is that repentance is not easy. firstly, one needs to get rid of everything that makes him/her commit that sin before they can repent, one needs to first be forgiven by the person whom they wronged before Allah (SWT) forgives them, and one needs to make a firm intention (in their heart) NEVER to come close to that wrong again... There are many other things to do as well. So you see, people who play that game are of the delusion that The Creator will always forgive when they keep sinning, such ppl are hypocrites and will be punished severly.

  22. Asalamoalaikum Rickashade,

    It seems as if many people are quite upset reading your post and understandably so. You have sinned immensely and I am not sure if it’s because you are immature or because you are selfish. The point is however that you have hurt many people in these past 6 years and now it’s time to put an end to all this.

    Firstly, you must sincerely repent for the illicit relationship you had with your ex-girlfriend (which means that you make a firm intention to never walk that path again nor contact her). Such relationships are strictly forbidden in Islam and for the very reason that it most often leads to zina (which you were also engaging in). You led that woman on, gave her hopes, and then suddenly shattered her dreams. But somewhere in this time span as you were sinning, you did feel a need to want to marry a Muslimah because you know deep down that you are Muslim and that you will have to answer to your creator on yaw- mal-qaymmat. Realistically, you know that you have no future with your ex-girlfriend and hence you decided to marry a girl from back home.

    Now frankly speaking, you have made your decision. You have gotten married and you have no right to leave your wife to go back to your ex-girlfriend. Islamically you are to stay with your wife and work on your marriage—that is the right thing to do. Leave your ex alonel. Let her find someone who will care and respect her. You have no right to be contacting her or asking for her to come back in your life. She must move on and so should you. Brother, you are a married man now and that is your reality; you made this choice.

    If you really want to leave your wife and go back to your ex girlfriend then do bear in mind that Allah swt is seeing everything and you never know when he may intervene and show you the consequences of your haram actions. You have no right to break so many people’s hearts because you are indecisive and cannot make a decision as to who you want to spend your life with. You are no longer taking Islam into consideration, you are only running after your desires (your nafs). You need to put a control on yourself and think rationally. Do you honestly think any good will come to you if you leave your wife and go back to your ex? Do you honestly think Allah swt will let you off the hook so easily? If no other reason is deterring you from going back to your ex, think of the wrath of Allah swt. I’m sure you do not want to experience it.

    I suggest that you cut off all contact with your ex-girlfriend completely and let her heal and move on with her life while you should focus on strengthening your emaan and making your marriage work. You can no longer only think of yourself; another person’s life is now tied with yours.

    -Helping Sister

    • Jazakillah Helping Sister, this is what I meant above.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I completely agree with helping sister. It seems to me that you have realised your mistake and the
      Only thing holding u back is that you dont want to hurt the ex- girlfriend after hearing what pain she went through when you got married. Maybe a lot of that pain caused was due to the fact you didnt communicate with her and did it behind her back. If you gad told her and left her in an appropriate manner maybe it wouldnt have hurt her so much. Also I think that if she had a relationship with another stranger so soon after you left shows signs that she has the ability to move forward but it will take time. So what i would suggest is maybe talk it through with the ex girlfriend but keep it short and simple
      And dont get tourself dragged down by shaytan, and let her know that you made your decision by marrying this muslimah and explain to her that you are letting her go with the intention of pleasing your creator and advise her to find solace in Allah also. This is your chance to give dawah. InshaAllah Allah will forgive you but only according to your intentions. Life is too short and as you may know, one of the main things to consider in a potential spouse is religion and her closeness to Allah, so by that reason alone you should understand that it may be best for you to leave her. When you feel you cant live without her, realise that its not cupid, its shaytan giving you those thoughts and clouding your mind because you made the rightful step of marrying a Muslimah. Hope my advice helps.

  23. Of course there is only sins are being committed. As we are here to advice 'rickashade' so he should be our concern at first. From the very begining he and his gf have done only wrong. We should respect one's emotion but it also should be utilized in halal way. As per islamic point of view 'rickashade' has no right to spoil anyone's life including his own life too. He has betrayed to both of the women, but only his wife has the right to get a happy married life from him, not the gf who was wrong, is wrong and good for nothing. Having affaction is not enough until they are in a halal relationship.

    At this moment, this brother should repent, take care of his married life as this is what he exactly wants, and control own nafs. It might be difficult to get rid of such relationship with non mahrams, but not impossible if one wants to be a good muslim and to make own akhirah better. Also Allah knows better.

  24. @to everyone who's tagged me,

    Thank you all for speaking your heart and mind and speaking what is right. Glad there are people who know what God really wants out of us all.

    Jazzakallah khair. May God bless us all.

  25. Muhammad Waseem,

    Please feel free to edit the last two lines from the comment by "Missy" which never appeared on the forum but the mailbox, if you feel they're posted with the intention to put someone down and appreciate another!

    Thanks!

    • Dear tourbillon.

      i remember reading one of the comments which are deleted now.

      technical fault hmmmmm!!! may be. Allah knows best.

      brother waseem, you still didnt get it, did you? be humble brother, try to understand whats being pointed out. you are our brother as well, its not an anti brother waseem compaign going on here, and also its not just you who gives advise like you did on this forum.some other share the same views.

      its not about about whos getting appreciated or being put down

      tourbillon was speaking on behalf of many . i dont think she is seeking some appreciation here.

      ofcourse for me it was disappointing to see that none of the other editors gave their views which makes me think that they share brother waseem's views.

      may allah guide us all.

      • friend, I don't know what you want me to understand. If you talk about my tone, I have admitted it wasn't supposed to be as it was. Regarding Tawbah, I have already said that none has the right to stop other from doing it. The brother sinned, but does not become a dweller of the Hell for eternity on anyone's claim that he isn't supposed to be forgiven. It is upon Allah to decide, and not any of us.

        And I don't see any reason for lengthening the thread for no reason.

        🙂

        And whether it is anti Waseem or not, it does not matter to me. What I worry about is my position with Allah, and not anyone else.

        🙂

        So, I say Alhamdulillahi Ala Kulli Haal.

        Ramadan is about to end. We should be concerned about where we stand in Deen, because whatever we do does not matter, except for what effects our Aakhirah. May Allah give us al Jannah, Aameen

        Muhammad Waseem
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Dear Friend,

        Thank you for chipping in :). I know why you have said, what you have said. Many Thanks!

        Jazzakallah Khair

        @Muhammad Waseem

        Anyway, they say the same thing as the others have said, except that one of them praises you, while putting me down.

        The above quote by YOU is the reason, FRIEND had to say what she has said! Your above observation indeed surprised us. None of us think, people write here to garner attention or appreciation! All of us here, are ONLY concerned with our position vis-a-vis God, no one else!

        May God bless us all.

  26. Brother you have received very good responses from everyone though some of them are harsh but it's true and you really need to think what you doing. Brother waseem said it well but I was bit shock reading brother waseem comment I never seen him saying like this I don't know what happened to him maybe fasting, praying and tired to reply the way he usually do. Anyways, Earlier my post I said it what I wanted to say still it's something to make it easy for you in other way. 

    Let's be Rational here. For a second brother forget all this gf, love, wife, betray, whatever for a second think"How will I die?"A simple question,yet a neglected one.They tell us all the time,"Think about your destiny."But do we?We say to ourselves,"I still got my whole life ahead of me."True enough,but what if that life happens to end tomorrow?Why do we fail to understandthat this short life,which we take for granted,is absolutely NOTHINGcompared to what's coming.Let's be rational.Let's ask ourselves,before fulfilling a wrongful desire:"Do I want to die doing this?Is this worth the great torture in the grave?Is it worth the tremendous grieving,the HORROR,the undefined terrorsof the Inevitable Day?Is it worth the painful,unbearable,terrible,horrific,Eternal Punishment?Does it make sense to spend 80-90 years fulfilling our desires,
    and then be doomed to spend an ETERNITYin horrendous punishment?Does it not make more senseto spend 80-90 years being patient,praying to God,and then enjoy an ETERNITY of joyful,happy,desirable,beautiful reward in Paradise?"

    Now you decide, which makes more sense.After all,the choice lies with none other yourself and just know one thing, that your choice will determine your destiny for the next INFINITY years after death.

  27. Salam

    I think it is very clear to everyone that you have done much wrong unfortunately but Allah swt has left the door of Tawbah wide open to everyone who wishes to have His pleasure. If we take one step towards Him, He will take a thousand towards us. Many men in the world abuse women and what should make a Muslim man different is that he should realise that Allah swt has created women equal to him and he has safeguarded her rights and protected her from oppression and injustice. A woman is not an object, not something that you can leave and come back to anytime you like. You seem to realise the wrong you have done and feel guilty, but from your post it doesn't seem to show how bad you have treated your wife. You have betrayed and deceived her too, you have neglected her God given rights and she has more rights over you than any other woman, including your 'girlfriend'. I don't understand why people are saying polygamy is an option in this case. Of course technically speaking it is allowed, but don't you think you have oppressed your wife enough? Is hurting her more really good for you in this life or the next?

    So firstly you need to realise that your 'girlfriend' should leave your life completely and never come back. In fact no other woman should be involved in your life. You need to repay your wife for the injustice you have done against her when she is completely innocent, marrying you and expecting faithfulness, loyalty and love. You have given her none of this, so now is the time to do so. Love is a created feeling and it can be destroyed and created with someone else. Of course this is easier said that done, but our love for Allah swt should be greater than all other loves so what Allah swt loves we love inshallah, and Allah swt loves halal relationships and hates what is haram. These are the steps you should take in my opinion:

    1. You need to correct your mindset - You need to realise that what you did in your past was wrong and your 'girlfriend' is not good for you and you are not good for her. You need to realise that you need to leave her life and she needs to leave yours. You must focus on your wife who you have married before Allah swt and have a sacred bond with. She is a trust onto you so look after that trust. You will be asked by Allah swt as to how you looked after that trust and blessing.

    2. You need to make sincere Tawbah - you have a couple of days left of Ramadan and today is Friday, a blessed day. Stand before Allah swt and open your heart to Him. Admit everything you have done, feel guilt and sadness for what you have done, ask Him to forgive you and give you strength and faith and then promise, sincerely, that you will never return to this sin and you will focus all your attention, love and care on your wife, and on your wife alone. Ask Allah swt to strengthen your marriage and bless you both with love for each other. Remember, when you wrong others you have to seek their forgiveness before Allah swt forgives you. Don't wait for the Day of Judgement to do that, seek you wife's forgiveness now by giving her what she deserves.

    3. Cut all contact with your 'girlfriend' - there is no future with her so no emails or any other form of contact, no trying to get back together, no ideas of leaving your wife or marrying her as a second wife. The best way to end it with her is to send her one final email apologising for everything you have done and the hurt you have caused because you have wronged her too, she also deserves respect at least as an equal in humanity. Tell her that you realised you have wronged your Lord and wronged your wife who is now a part of you and your partner in life. Therefore you have decided to cut all contact with your 'girlfriend'. Tell her there is no chance of us marrying and no chance of me leaving my wife or taking you as another wife. It is the end. Tell her how guilty you feel and how much wrong you have done but you want the wrong you did to end. Wish her all the best and tell her that you will no longer reply to any emails, messages, calls etc from her. Then after sending that, if you are strong enough, don't even wait for a reply. You will have voices in your mind telling you to wait for her reply, don't because then you will be more tempted to reply and carry on etc. Delete that email account and delete all forms of access to her. You must do this as soon as possible. Don't delay it or tell yourself another week, another month etc. No, it must be now. It will hurt, you will miss her, you will want to go back, you might cry but you will get better and remember you have returned to Allah swt, that should be the biggest comfort. And secondly you have your wife and now you can begin a proper life with her, learn about her and look forward to the future with her, children etc.

    4. Focus on your wife - if she doesn't know about all this then don't tell her. It will only hurt her and it may ruin your marriage. Apologise for the way you have acted from when you got married and then begin the process of falling in love with her. Speak to her, share your feelings with her, learn about her, go on holiday just you and her, talk about plans for the future etc. You will soon find that you begin to love her and the love will only grow inshallah because this union is blessed by Allah swt.

    These steps are not easy, but once you have the correct mindset the following steps should be much easier. You have done enough damage brother, please stop and realise all the blessings Allah swt has given you and thank Him by at least doing what He allows and refraining from what He hates. All these blessings could go away any second. I'm sure deep down you know that you don't want to lose your wife or the Muslim family you have dreamed of. Stop oppressing your wife and committing major sins and realise your wife deserves all of you.

    I don't want it to appear that the 'girlfriend' means nothing in this. We all know she has been wronged too but the brother needs to realise that everything between them is over and the only just way to the 'girlfriend' is to let her be and to stop stringing her along.

    Consider these beautiful words by Imam Ali (as): 'Your remedy is within you but you do not sense it. Your sickness is within you but you do not perceive it. You assume that you are a small entity whereas within you is concealed the vast world. You are indeed that magnificent book by whose alphabet the hidden becomes evident. Therefore you have no needs beyond yourself; your essence and secrets are within you, if only you could reflect...' - reflect, you have the power to correct all the wrong you have done and you do have the strength to cure yourself of the illness that has allowed you to commit what you have committed.

    May Allah swt guide you, and guide us all.
    Salam.

  28. If the brother was man enough to get into a relationship with a Christian girl...he should have been man

    enough to get out. He said he was too weak to tell her, which ultimately led to this mess.

    He seems to be riding the fence, which is the worst position to be in. It seems like he doesn't even know

    what he wants!

    There are so many Muslim brothers I personally know, who would love to have a loyal, pious muslim wife,

    and he has been blessed with one, and doesn't seem to appreciate this blessing Allah has bestowed upon

    him. A woman deserves 100% of a man's love, not this 50/50 business.

    First, this mentality of many Muslim brothers is absolutely sick and disgusting. They want to have all the fun

    they can, before marriage, with non-muslim girls....and then think they deserve a pious, loyal muslim wife.

    What a joke and a turnoff!

    What woman wants a guy, whos been in a previous relationship(s), and ultimately, has unresolved feelings?

    Secondly, the Christian girl, is also a victim here....she is a human being too, and she was led on for 6

    years by this man. Regardless of what she did afterwards, what right does he have over her?

    She is non-mahram to him.

    Keeping contact with this Christian girl is ultimately going to lead to disaster, as he will not be able to love

    his wife as she deserves, the Christian girl will continue to pursue and pressure him, and he will be the

    biggest loser - losing in this world, and wrecking his aakhirah.

    Insha-Allah, may Allah give him guidance, and keep him on the righteous path.

  29. Rickashade,

    You had a relationship with a christain woman for almost 6 years ,it was sexual, your feelings for her were stong, you were 100% faithful to one another. You want a good muslim family, a muslim wife that matches your background and religion. You find a woman from your country, get married without telling your girlfriend because you were weak to discuss your intentions, your ex finds out through social media you have got married, you avoided her calls, she has a nervous breakdown, friends tell you she has lost her mind, acting strangely and cried non stop day and night , you promise her marriage, you could not go ahead with this because family would not approve not even yourself or that you would be happy ever after.......WOW and this is a man who has forgiven his Ex!

    What exactly are you forgiving her for?.... Loving you and standing by you for 6 years through false hope and promises!.She did not cheat on you because you deserted her and married someone else, It is the likes of you that give the likes on me and any other non muslim woman who has had a relationship with a muslim man a bad name and then for other muslims to think we are nobodies,havve no morals, be thrown in the bin with rubbish and that we are a virus. Luckily i am not small minded enough to tar all muslim's with the same brush.

    You say you are making plans to marry your Ex....Do you plan to live in two countries, would you pretend to your wife she was the only wife, would you pretend to your ex you were divorced so as to marry her? I find this behavoiur totally immoral and cannot think for one moment that this would be a legal marriage. In this country you cannot marry more than one therefore you would be breaking the law and this could end in a prison sentence.

    Your right when you say you are confused and lost and for someone of your age i would expect you to man up a whole load and stop blaming everything and everyone for your actions becasue it is totally pathetic! Do what YOU thnk is right and remember what goes around comes around in this life, you can not have your cake and eat it!

    God Bless and i hope you find the right road soon Rickashade

  30. A few final thoughts to everyone who reads this,

    1. First of all, all things aside, and in all honesty please ask yourself, if the wife - a good pious woman, who saved herself for her marriage, who was lied to and tricked into the marriage by this man, who's still being betrayed by this man and is considered not worthy of his affection, really deserves to partner a man - who's got nothing to do with piety / morality, who's entered into a sexual relationship with a woman knowing fully well this was wrong, who's tricked a woman he claims to have loved in the name of marriage when he clearly had no intentions of marrying her, and who's lied and continued to lies, and all of it under the guise of Islam?!?!?!

    Honestly, had this man, revealed his past to the lady he's married, do you feel she would have said yes to marrying this man, given everything he has done? In fact, wIll anyone of us would want to spend our life with such a man?

    Also, if this guy was so genuine towards his dream to raise a good Muslim family, why didn't he sit with the Christian lady (marrying her under Islam, with or without conversion, was always an option, which he never wanted to consider!) and discuss everything with her, that he was not in a situation to carry this on further and separate on a respectable note? Why didn't he take time to repent for all his wrong doings, and apologise to the Christian lady, turn to God, resolve his feelings for this Christian lady completely and then once he was over everything, approached his family to find a Muslim lady for him to marry?

    You see, had he conducted himself in a right manner, the Christian lady would have let go off him, and in fact wished him best. This man could have easily moved on in life rightfully and respectfully and above all without hurting anybody in the process. Instead, he simply vanished and almost backstabbed the woman. We need to understand, she's way too shocked to make sense of things. It's not been a month. To ask a person, to get over an intense relationship that lasted for more than 6 years, in a month's time is superhuman and impossible. The signs, this lady has been displaying is clearly stating the fact that she's totally messed emotionally. And all because of a man who very easily said, "I was not man enough...!" That's such a poor excuse for a man who wants to jump into the bed, but can't speak the truth!

    It's so sad, that the lack of civility, lack of morality of a man has scarred two women for life. Such a terrible situation.

    2. Ideally, do either of these two women - the christian lady or the Muslim lady, deserve this man? Both these ladies, in their own capacities, have been loyal, sincere, truthful and affectionate to this Man, who in turn has only made their lives miserable (and on purpose!), have backstabbed them, their trust and their belief in him!

    3. Also, why is the entire debate pitching the two women (clearly the victims here) against each other, for the sins of a Man, who's got no concern whatsoever for anyone but his own self??? Why are we pulling down one woman to elevate another, when clearly none of them deserves it! Why do we have to use the words "Haraam Vs. Halaal" and "Curse Vs. Blessing" for these two women? Let's not ignore the fact, the Christian lady comes from an altogether different background and this man had promised her marriage! I don't need to point out that we even have young Muslims who have confessed committing zina!

    4. Finally, there's a huge lot of difference between a "Mistake" and a "Crime". More than 6 years is a very long period for a man who knew it all along that he had no intentions of marrying a woman, to have carried out a relationship to fulfill his own selfish desires, even when he knew he was committing a sin, he was displeasing his GOD, his religion, his family, this lady and eventually the woman who would marry him!

    He always had a chance to stop himself, but he never did, in fact, he continued this till the end, till the time, he got a backup ready! This is not a mistake, this is clearly CRIMINAL!

    Also, do you really think this man sincerely wants to have a good Muslim family?!?! Clearly, no! Do you think he's on this forum to ask for our advice or seek guidance? Clearly, no! Read the entire post, he's diligently and elaborately explained, every single thing - the whys and hows of it! He clearly knows what he's done and why, and very clearly he's here to "authenticate" his wrong doings and get rid of his guilt!

    Like if this man, marries the Christian lady, then clearly the marriage to the good pious Muslim woman is a farce and is all about maintaining a clean image back home! (He's already mentioned, he doesn't love her!)

    And if this man, leaves the Christian lady behind, then clearly he's here to just get rid of his guilt, by hearing it from our mouths, that OK she was not worth you, forget it, do "tawbah" and move on, you're now blessed!! ("I am willing to forgive her for sleeping with another man".. "we were in a sexual relationship for 6 years".. you see, very clearly he's already categorised her!)

    So everyone, a request to you all, address this Man and do not drag in any of the women involved. They don't deserve this humiliation for the wrongdoings of a man, who clearly have already given them enough misery!

    Also, in a way, it's good, this discussion happened, at least this Man will at least get to know, how his selfish motivations and actions have put two innocent women in a dock they never deserved to stand in!

    I sincerely pray, God blesses these two women (and everyone in their shoes) with immense selfless love, respect and strength, they truly deserve in life! Amen!

    • HEAR HEAR 🙂

      Religion aside he has done his ex a favour although at this moment in time she probably does not realise it. If they had got married with his mentality he would of left without a divorce, remarried as quick as he did and to a woman who may or may not have been aware of his past...A little snippet of info he forgot to add to such a detailed post.

      He got what he wanted and is still not happy and the marriage he now talks about to his ex may be another escape route and wishful thinking on his behalf but lets not forget he is confused and lost. and I hope this guy sorts himself out before causing anymore damage.

      Never a viictim 🙂

  31. @ tourbillon. My intention was certainly not to put brother waseem down and to shower u with praises... If I have implied that in my previous post then I would like to clarify things as all I really meant was that I agreed with the comments you made and I admired how strongly you voiced your opinion. That's it... Not that I am trying to only appreciate you. Everyone else has made very valuable comments and I think where I went wrong was that I did not include 'everyone else' instead only you and that gave the impression that I am appreciating you only! @ brother muhammed waseem, this blessed month is sadly coming to an end and I would not like to end it in this way, therefore I ask you for maaf if I have hurt you by making those comments. As I have said in my previous comment (Which seems to have been deleted) that I have reading the posts on this website for a while now and I have also read many of the comments that you gave to other posters And they were not biased in anyway, forgive me if I'm wrong but as an editor the comments you made about the christian woman were biased and harsh.. They made me feel very uneasy and again this is just how I felt and MY OPINION ONLY. I do not mean any disrespect but I take the editors advice seriously as myself being a young muslim girl I can use the guidance, but your advice here in my opinion was biased. But in any case we all have our own opinions and once again I ask maaf to you and anyone else to whom I have offended. May allah guide us all, salaams.

    • @Missy,

      My intention was certainly not to put brother waseem down and to shower u with praises... If I have implied that in my previous post then I would like to clarify things as all I really meant was that I agreed with the comments you made and I admired how strongly you voiced your opinion. That's it... Not that I am trying to only appreciate you

      Please don't include me in this! What you have said is not something that I have inferred, that is what Waseem has and I, in fact, asked him to edit that portion, if it really bothered him! Again, I repeat, I don't write here to garner attention or appreciation! I post my replies on a thread only when I strongly feel for it!

    • Salam sister,

      I think my comment for the Christian lady wouldn't have differed if she was a Muslimah. I have told him he was wrong and needs to fear Allah, His Punishment. If you think it was a bias, I can't help it. 🙂

      I just intended to help the brother repent to Allah for his sin which is indeed severe, and get over his problem. If that lady comes into his life again, the Muslim wife he has, will suffer. This is my opinion. And Allah Is The One Who Knows Best.

      May Allah Forgive all our sins and be Pleased with us, before the Ramadan ends

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I don't quite understand why you've all started your personal pathetic rut.. why not just focus on the brother who is in need of help? rather than pin-pointing mistakes that have been made in users's comments.. we're not here to control ones opinion or thought.. freedom of speech! feel free to disagree!

  32. Hmm long posts in short time. Good we all have different thoughts. I was laughing not to be rude but I felt funny that brother waseem always used his soft manner in every problem which people have and he usually never been attack lol. Brother waseem is one of the good advisor I will say, sometimes we make different comments. Anyways by now I am sure the brother is in problem is understanding what he has done and what he should do.

    Ramadan is finish, i pray to Allah to give us opportunity all this blessing month next year inshallah.

  33. True, sister Nadia and brother/sister Nazo... The poster would be in a dilemma. How will he benefit from it?

    This website is for advises. People come here broken hearted, looking for a way to console themselves and build up on confidence.

    Such a behavior from us, the readers is totally unwise and rude.

    I was laughing at the flow of comments and saying to myself "this is how hype and stereotyping work".

    Allah's Help is sought.

    To the poster: Brother please do not get offended by what some readers say. If you are sincere in Tawbah, then nothing matters but your sincerity and Allah's Pleasure. So, do not pay heed to what takes you away from the repentance of Allah. I'm sure Shaitaan is trying his best to lead you to further depression. But remember, your final abode in the Hereafter. This life is only a very short part of the Hereafter. So, prepare for that life and do not grieve for this whatsoever.

    Every Human Being sins, but the best of those sinners is one who repents. And Allah is your Lord, Who is full of Mercy and Grace. He Will insha Allah Forgive. Do you want anything else when Allah is Pleased with you?

    Take this post and the comments positively and carry on with your life, taking care of your wife who you have already married, who was your wife as per the Decree of Allah.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Muhammad Waseem,

      You being an Editor must know, this is not a one-off stand alone case! Check the posts this single week itself, and you will know, this is act of deceiving women in the religion is now emerging as an epidemic!

      The purpose of an advice here is not only to help a person, but to set an example for everyone to understand and follow.

      This man is not being judged by anyone here, we're clearly going by the facts he's stated. Yes, him and many more like him, who're here on the forum need to understand, this behaviour of playing around with many people's lives is clearly not what a good pious man / woman is supposed to do.

      This man like many others was not a man who simply made a mistake, he was conscious all along of what he was doing. No, he doesn't need consolation, he needs to be corrected and told this was wrong, for many more like him to know, this behaviour is not correct, not human, not looked upon favourably by ALLAH!

      Yes, God knows the best, and if not any of us, this man will certainly live upto know, what God has in store for him. And I hope, very soon!

    • So are you suggesting, calling a woman "Garbage", "Garbage Bin" and "Virus" was certainly very wise and pleasant to our senses? In fact, you know what, that's what I call is a "judging" a woman, when she is not even here to tell her side of the story and had not even asked us for an opinion!

      A lot of readers who posted their comments on this thread may have criticised the man in question in a tough language but we haven't used a language that an editor has!

      I still won't laugh and retort to your comment "hype and stereotyping", I feel sorry in fact, on how we continue to live in denial and let things deteriorate to worst!

      None of us have a personal equation to settle with just about anybody here, but we are all doing our bit to make sure no one suffers for the wrong doings of someone who never cared!

    • oh please stop this TLC for an act which is a sin!!!! i.e playing with peoples emotions and then feeling sorry for yourself! repentance starts with remorse first!

      signs of remorse are knowing that youhave harmed others, he is just more concerend about his wellbeing as he cannot ' function' normally as he usually does!

      you really think he has understood his actions. if he would have ,he would have not been greedy to get all the girls in his life. there is a big 'I'in his post.

      this feeling sorry for himself is whats bothering and still needs to be pointed at and corrected. he needs to repent for being selfish.

  34. Just to add, Its annoying when people feel they have a right to judge just because they havent been in that situation themselves. Allah knows how they would act in those circumstances themselves. Anyone can make mistakes nobody is perfect, its easy to say that in passing but understand it. Allah knows that mankind is prone to forgetting his true aim in life and will slip up countless times but what Allah loves the most is when His believer recognises that he or she has slipped up and repents from their heart. Allah loves to forgive us that is why He put us on this earth. So to the person posting his problem you feel a sense of releif to a point. By acting arrogant its easy for aperson to become a hypocrite, what if Allah puts you in that situation tomorrow do you really know how you would respond? Its so easy to speak and judge from hindsight just be greatfull that you are not in his shoes because you could have been and just focus on helping him which is the good thing about being able to talk from hindsight. And plus we have to consider that all we know about this person is what hes stated in a short space maybe he has done something really really good in his life which could raise his rank above all of everyone elses in the eyes of Allah. Think before you speak, or in this case, type. When you point your finger at someone be mindfull of the three fingers pointing back at you. And consider 70 good things about a peraon before you look at the bad. Some of you commenting need to humble yourself and thats a bit of advice that i hope you can take on board as its hard to escape from the denial syndrome as in the words of sheikh abdul hakim murad the idol within oneself is the biggest test of shirk. wAllahu a'lam. Allah knows best.

    • agreed.. kaz ukhti..

      none of us are perfect.. so let's even try acting like super angels (sin-free) & degrading someone else.. the fact is that this brother acknowledges his mistake.. therefore he is here!

      & currently It just seems like many of you are just aiming to hurt this brothers feelings.. which doesn't leave you in a position to correct him (of hurting his ex-gf's feelings.. false hopes blah blah) when you're doing the same thing really!

      The Prophet *pbuh* never hurt anyone's feelings.. Instead the Prophet *pbuh* embraced everyone.. so all those brothers or sisters who are commenting out of anger or whatever.. puhhleez relax & understand the fact that this brother has not posted a bundle of his feelings here to be humiliated.. & to be driven away!

      • Respect for brother Nazo

      • The man in question would have received everyone's well wishes, had he been a man of some conscience at least and a man who was genuinely out to repend his actions.

        More than 6 years of "MISTAKES" even after knowing well this wasn't right (No regards for ALLAH, his preachings, nothing at all!) and then continuing his sin till he FINDS A BACKUP, is not what genuine men do, who want to correct their behaviour and go on the right path, which he had known all along!

        If he had genuinely meant to correct himself, he would have very clearly and in a respectable manner ended things with the Christian lady and repented for all his wrongdoings and then once he was over everything, he would have considered marrying a Muslimah! Which was never done, in fact, it was all about playing mind games!

        NO I have no reason to not pin point he's been wrong all along. And I'll. He talks about "tawbah", but where's his repentance in everything he's been doing even now?

        NO I cannot sweet talk anyone who's been committing one grave mistake after another, even after knowing he's violating ALLAH and his commandment. He clearly has no regards for ALLAH, his life is all about him and his desires!

        No one's a superangel here, but no one's a manipulative deceiver too!

    • The man in question would have received everyone's well wishes, had he been a man of some conscience at least and a man who was genuinely out to repend his actions.

      More than 6 years of "MISTAKES" even after knowing well this wasn't right (No regards for ALLAH, his preachings, nothing at all!) and then continuing his sin till he FINDS A BACKUP, is not what genuine men do, who want to correct their behaviour and go on the right path, which he had known all along!

      If he had genuinely meant to correct himself, he would have very clearly and in a respectable manner ended things with the Christian lady and repented for all his wrongdoings and then once he was over everything, he would have considered marrying a Muslimah! Which was never done, in fact, it was all about playing mind games!

      NO I have no reason to not pin point he's been wrong all along. And I'll. He talks about "tawbah", but where's his repentance in everything he's been doing even now?

      NO I cannot sweet talk anyone who's been committing one grave mistake after another, even after knowing he's violating ALLAH and his commandment. He clearly has no regards for ALLAH, his life is all about him and his desires!

      No one's a superangel here, but no one's a manipulative deceiver too!

  35. tourbillon, I have alreay agreed that the tone I used was loud and not acceptable.

    Additionally, we can not judge anyone based on assumptions. If the poster is speaking the truth or not is not something we are aware, but we offer advise based on what the posters mention.
    Noone wants you to bow down, but we are saying that whether he will be forgiven or not is not in your hands, but a decision to be taken by Allah. Whether it is deception in the name of Religion or not, Allah will handle. We need not fight over it.

    And yes, I edited the word "her", and only this word, because I did not find it suitable, myself.

    Now please, for the sake of Allah, keep your opinion to yourself as you can not enforce it upon anyone who doesn't share it, and I will keep mine to myself as you wouldn't agree to share it. Ultimate decision about this issue in question is to be taken by the poster, and we are not party to it. So, lets end the discussion without further bashing.

    Thanks

    Your brother,
    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor


    • Such a behavior from us, the readers is totally unwise and rude.

      I was laughing at the flow of comments and saying to myself "this is how hype and stereotyping work"..

      This reiteration by almost compelled me to respond, otherwise I would have not!

      Rest I have already and elaborately stated in all of my posts here. You already know why I had to address your first post and I have already mentioned, you corrected it by editing it! Well, thank you for that.

      Also, do realise that if your expressing views here is not enforcing opinions, then we expressing views is also not enforcing opinions! We're all on the same ground.

      Rest, like I said it in one of my previous post, God's watching this all and that's the biggest consolation of all!

      ALLAH hafiz

      • Wal Hamdu Lillahis Samee'ul Baseer

        🙂

        Muhammad Waseem
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • honestly i cant believe it ! hype, stereotyping! enforcing opinion!

        if i wasnt a muslim i would have thought that stay away from muslims they always take the side of their muslim fellow no matter ho mush unjustice had been done to the other party.

  36. Salaams,

    Someone earlier suggested another editor weigh in on this situation, so I will go ahead and do so. I will try to keep it as simple as possible because clearly too many emotions have gotten thrown in the mix, and made the issues at hand more convoluted. We all have times where a situation pushes a personal button and we begin to react to it through a lense of our own experience with the matter...but sometimes as a result the judgements made in that state can be somewhat flawed.

    Simply put, what this man did was very low calibre, no doubt. In an ideal situation, he would've made much better choices. But he didn't, so now the advice given has to be based on what "is" instead of what "could've/should've" happened.

    So, the fact is that he is now married. That's the truth whether we like it or not. We have talked a lot about how people are essentially equal (men and women, Muslims and Christians, ex girlfriends and wives), and deserve to be respected regardless of their differences. However, the issue is really about relationships, and the bottom line is not all relationships are considered equal. A wife does have a higher status than a lover, girlfriend, or ex. A wife, besides one's own mother, has the first rights on a man over any other woman, and that is precisely why he should invest in her and leave the ex as part of the past.

    I agree that the wife was brought into this marriage in a distasteful way (putting it nicely). However, she is in the place of having her rights now, so if she wants to keep her husband she has that right, just as much as she had the right to be released from him if she ever heard everything the OP outlined. Yet, like it or not, that's HER choice and right, not his. By thinking for her and making a decision based on anticipation he would be effectively robbing her of that right, which would be another form of maltreatment on top of those already committed.

    I know a lot has been mentioned about how this wife (or the ex girlfriend) doesn't deserve a man like her husband, and that's probably right. However, it must be her judgment call what she does with that. No one else gets to decide that but her. If she comes to know about all this and decides to forgive him, that's her choice and right. If she never discovers this (after all, we all know that sin should remain hidden of possible) and loves him and is a good wife to him and is pleased with him just the same, who would deny her that happiness? So truly, if this brother who has made some really agregious choices thus far wants to truly repent, the ideal way to do so would be to give his current wife (the most important woman in his life besides mom now) the chance to be happy with him in marriage by not robbing her of that opportunity by divorcing her to be with the ex.

    I know that might be a rough pill for some to swallow, but that is the Islamic hierarchy of relationships and the rights and duties owed in them. That hierarchy doesn't bend because someone sins (even if it's a big sin), because no sin comes without the opportunity for repentance.

    Just one more thing I'd like to share that I've been thinking about lately, that kind of ties into the issues in this post. A lot of times we read questions and answers on here that talk about bad relationships and betrayals, and the focus becomes the person getting out of a relationship because they "deserve better". I have given this advice myself and usually it's appropriate. However, I think sometimes that can get many of us to thinking (even without realizing it) that we should expect perfection from the other people we are in relationships with. We think we should never be let down or hurt by them in any way, even though that's totally unrealistic in real life. The truth is, there is the potential for any flaw or problem (no matter how great) to be worked through if the person who did the wrong is truly wanting to change. In my experience, someone who has grown by overcoming their sinful tendencies is a much stronger person than someone who has made few or smaller mistakes.

    So before we start getting caught up on finding the ideal person to have in our lives, the one who never sins and doesn't have a past and will always do right by us: let's ask ourselves if we could be that person to them consistently. I know I couldn't. If I had married someone who treated me in ways I found hurtful or wrong, and I let them go to find someone who was "better", and then some time down the road I hit a rough spot and started treating them wrongly and they divorced me for it, I would feel badly. So instead of focusing on looking for the person ( or advising posters to) who has it all together, let's instead be real and look for someone who will make bad choices but truly wants to better themselves and is willing to put in the effort and sacrifice to achieve that. For all we know, this man may be that person. Only time will tell, and we should all try to have enough patience to give the repentant a fair amount of it to prove themselves.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I just want to disclaim that the last part of what I wrote only is relevant to general relationship issues, not serious issues like domestic violence where safety is more of a concern.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • @Amy,

        I concur with a lot of things you have said here. But there's a reason, this topic has enraged a lot of people here.

        Emotional abuse is as grave as physical abuse(wrt. domestic violence) and in fact causes irreparable damage. And that exactly is what has happened here with one woman, is about to happen with another and is the reason why it enrages a lot of people here, especially women.

        If this man would have completely severed his ties with the EX given his penchant for a Muslim family or married a Muslimah, ONLY after repenting for his actions, then no one would have even questioned him. But that has clearly not happened and is still not happening. I repeat, repentance needs to reflect in this man's actions and not merely in his words. He's still dilly-dallying and is still callous about two women and their lives. Which is where his claim for repentance goes for a toss.

        Also, it is not about an ideal person, it is more about being responsible, being civil if not moral. One cannot be too self centred to have completely ignored the fact that hopping from one person to another without correcting oneself can affect other people's lives.

        My heart goes out to both these women, and I'll certainly pray for them. Irrespective of what ordinary human beings do to them, God am sure will do justice to them.

        • Salaams,

          No one is disputing that something bad happened here, and that this brother did something wrong. That did happen. But, it's also something that can't be changed, so continuing to focus in it really doesn't help this situation. The focus needs to be on the resolution, what needs to happen from this point forward.

          Yes, this brothers came to us without a firm determination on what to do. That's exactly why this point in time is so critical, because if the correct guidance is given he can move from a place of selfishness and confusion to one of doing the right thing. That is exactly what change is, and this site is devoted to helping people change. If change can occur in this case, then it's simply not true that he will hurt his wife going forward like you said he is about to do. Change stops what people are "about to do", and they end up doing something else-the right thing inshallah.

          Just because someone doesn't repent when they had their first opportunity to doesn't mean they miss out on it altogether. Repentance is a "better late than never" type of thing. If he does it now, ALHAMDULLILAH. This marriage has a chance to be successful.

          I understand that people being mistreated in relationships is a sensitive issue for you, tourbillon. I've seen your strong reactions to similar situations in other posts. It's not something any of us should gloss over. Yet, I think sometimes you focus a bit much on the past and what went wrong or what led up to the creation of a problem, and just stop there. You get upset about the injustice of it, and minimize the fact that there are resolutions that can be implemented and healing from the wrongdoing can occur.

          And that is where you and I tend to disagree. Like you mentioned that actions can cause "irreparable" damage, I don't believe that. I think all kinds of traumatic situations and the damage that results from them can be repaired. Allah says there is a remedy for everything, and for as many people who have been victims of the worst of human maltreatment- war crimes, rape, neglect and abuse (all forms) and countless other things but yet have risen above those experiences and become some of the strongest, most compassionate people we know, I believe that.

          We all want to help prevent those type of things from happening, and the best way to do it is help those who have wronged others to start doing right. That will never happen if the only thing we do is outline and re-outline their bad choices over and over. In the same vein, those who have been hurt and traumatized by such actions don't find peace and healing by continually reliving and keeping the focus on what was done to them. For both perpetrator and victim to move on into a better place, the focus has to shift from the problem to the solution. The story has to be finished to the happy ending, instead of staying paused at the worst part. This story still has a chance to have a happy ending, and I for one hope it occurs.

          -Amy
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Yes Amy, I have strongly spoken everytime I have seen irresponsible men take other people's life for a ride and I'll maintain, I have no sympathy whatsoever for this irresponsible bunch.

            After almost 7 years full of opportunities to repent and this man's much desired marriage to a Muslim lady, the ultimate reason to repent, we still say, "...only because he couldn't repent on the first available opportunity!" Really? I thought, he had opportunities all along.

            The man has still maintained contact with the christian lady, he's still obsessing over her, he's contemplating marriage with her, right here while he's married to his wife and do you really feel, he's not wronged his wife? Oh perhaps, you mean we should wait till he divorces the wife and then may be we can tell him ok you have wronged her or no may be ok you have got another opportunity to correct yourself, repent for the great sin and take a leap of faith.

            You know Amy, you always talk a lot of the much desired change and how everyone deserves an opportunity to repent, but have you as a person really observed the number of people who have never learnt a lesson and who're now generating a "recurring" theme on this forum, for this community. I would really be thankful to you, if you're able to bring about a change, when we will no longer have women from all walks of life come here to tell us how they were betrayed by "Muslim" men. I don't know, if you realised it, but I am working for that change.
            Perhaps, like once we earlier discussed, I believe in being pro-active, I do not like waiting for a disaster to happen or stepping on a fellow human being to propel oneself towards change. There are way better ways of bringing about a change. Like inculcating correct values in people!

            Also, like you said that let's be reasonable and talk in the worldly sense and not think of ideal situations, then in that case nobody should have an issue if I talk of something very human, of the hurt of a woman who's been betrayed and jilted in the name of love & promise of marriage and now is the target of character assasination on the forum, because a man who's wronged her breezes in and tells us two lines about her, which we clearly do not if it's true or not. We judge a person, inspite of knowing nothing about her, even without hearing a word out of her.

            Yes, none of us can undo the wrong that happens to people but let's be at least considerate enough to not pull down someone to elevate someone else. And two women, for that matter, who are at the receiving end, anyway!

            You know, what bothers me the most is the way we glorify the worst of sins by "Muslims" deeming them as agents of change and repentance while clearly ignoring and sometimes abusing someone who's been clearly victimised and is not even here to share his / her story.

            Yes, it's always very easy to hurt someone then stick to doing what is right. And I never knew, for a "Muslim" (Iman is a part of the word and the spirit, isn't it?) that's becoming a way of life now.

            I am sure besides everything that we talk about with so much passion, we also remember that ALLAH also preaches, "Don't do unto others what you don't want others do unto you!"

            Everyone here can speak for the man and his future and his repentance and his leap of faith, I'll stick to speak for both the women here.

            And Amy, we have never been on the same page and we won't be here as well. But like always, you do what you think is the best, I'll do what I think is the best. God's the best to know, understand and judge us all. Hence it shouldn't matter if you or I, ever manage to agree on anything.

  37. The gf under any circumstances should NOT have slept with another guy!
    I have many non Muslim English friends and subhanAllah they have morals. One of my friend does not go out with her flat mate because she says that she is not his girlfriend to entertain him. One of the co-workers does not go in to my managers house to do her plumbing because he does not want his wife to think he is up to something. SubhanAllah, they are nonMuslim who drink on regular basis and bf/gf is part of their culture yet they can differentiate between what is moral and whatis not

    Sorry but I HAVE no sympathy for the gf of the brother in question!

    As for the brother in question, I know of Muslim brothers who were in relationship with nonMuslim girls for crazy years yet through out their haram relationship the gfs were 100% aware that there is no marriage for them as the Muslims brothers made it clear to their gfs that they wish to marry Muslim girl only. And subhanAllah, they are now married to Muskim girls and have Muslim kids. Therefore, I am not happy with this brother's action. If he knew she was not the one then he should have told the gf about his intention and who knows maybe she would not have mind a marriage life with to raise the kids Muslims.

    And also when someone wants something in life that they don't have then they first need to bring those changes upon themself before acquiring that something. So this brother wants to raise a muslim family, perhaps he should have left all haram and instead practised Islam before acquiring or marrying aMuslim wife.

    Brother in question YOU cannot have it all! Justice needs to be done to these females in your life and this is my say on this:
    It is going to extremely difficult for you and your gf, but MUST LEAVE and forget this girlfriend of yours! She is non-mahram to you. She is sin to you. You need to leave sin. And let her move on with her life and inshaAllah you move on,with your life

    If you cannot do the above then please LEAVE your wife (i.e. Divorce her) and you move back to your LOVE (gf). Allah (swt) will inshaAllah HELP your wife in her life but at least she won't be living life with someone who desires his gf's love.

    If you cannot do the above as well then you need to LEAVE both of them, the gf and wife! I am sorry,but you cannot have it,all-fair and square!

    Marriage in Islam is about RESPONSIBILITY not just about DESIRE. If you want to take responsibility to raise a Muslim family for the ummah then you have to be 100% committed towards your wife. But if you do not want responsibility then please leave your wife 100% by herself.

    You rather hurt one of the females in your life rather than both. Both ways you will find it hard for yourself but you have to remember this not just about you! I pray that you make a mature and JUST decision.

    Your sister, Parveen

    • I'll refrain from commenting on the Christian lady and the Muslim lady in the said situation because we haven't heard their side of the stories but other than that, I agree with what you have said below,

      If he knew she was not the one then he should have told the gf about his intention and who knows maybe she would not have mind a marriage life with to raise the kids Muslims.

      And also when someone wants something in life that they don't have then they first need to bring those changes upon themself before acquiring that something. So this brother wants to raise a muslim family, perhaps he should have left all haram and instead practised Islam before acquiring or marrying aMuslim wife.

      Brother in question YOU cannot have it all! Justice needs to be done to these females in your life

  38. When i read this post it really makes me feel angry & sad that this man has taken his marriage a joke, and your ruining own marriage.

    Firstly you should have married your g/f if you loved her so much and becasue you betrayed her trust, made false promises your girlfriend slept with someone else because you did that the pain you caused her was all your fault. You made false promises you been with her 6 years and gave her nothing it was haraam what you committed, you could have married her but you didn't. Your married now your wife is the innocent one and you now want your girlfriend back. Either work it out or leave because you are cheating and no woman deserves a cheating ungrateful husband, you dont even realise how lucky you are that you found a good wife, you had options but your chose what is happening to you today. Fix up and cut ties with your ex because this isn't fair to your wife.

  39. Mashallah!!!!! In 2days 96posts!!!!!! Brother I don't know weather you following this thread or not reading everyones comment or not but I must say that by now you should know what to do and how. Donot spoil your married life for the sake of yourself. I don't know your wife but I should say that donot spoil her life. Be happy with your wife forget all the pasts. Seek allahs forgivness pray to him to guid you in right path. Married is a blessing from Allah and we should maintain nicely and trustfully.

    Happy Eid Mubarak.

  40. Salaams,

    Tourbillon you do have a right to your opinion. I wasn't saying anything to change your mind, only to show those who share your view that there are alternate ways of looking at things. Another trend on this forum is for people to get so caught up on someone confessing they've done a wrong that no constructive advice to solve the problem is given, but the entire time is spent shaming the person for what's already passed.

    You're right that this man had a lot of opportunity to repent- 6+ years worth. However, he still has time to repent. He will continue to have time to repent for the rest of his life, because that door doesn't close until we reach the point of death. We all hope that he does it now instead of later, because he has already put it off too long.

    You asked me "do you really feel, he's not wronged his wife? " No, I never said I felt that way or intimated that I did. I never disputed with the fact he has wronged her and the ex. But the next question is, how does he resolve this wrong that he has done to his wife? To me, the answer is: he resolves it by being the best husband he can to her. Unless she wants one, divorce will only be another shortchange against her.

    You also asked me "have you as a person really observed the number of people who have never learnt a lesson and who're now generating a "recurring" theme on this forum, for this community". Yes, I definitely have. I would be lying to say that seeing these things over and over doesn't get depressing. It does. However, I wouldn't expect to see anything different, because people come here with their problems. They don't come here because everything's working out. Just because a lot of people are having the same types of problems doesn't mean that everyone in a community is going through it. There are probably even more families, couples, people etc who have worked through similar problems or avoided them altogether, but we don't hear about them simply because they don't need our advice. They've gotten the solution on their own, or by another way.

    The truth is, this isn't just a "muslim" problem. People mistreating and betraying one another in relationships can be found in any society, faith, socio-economic status, etc. No matter how much we try to stave off these things before they happen, there will still be a subset of a population that it will apply to. That will always be the case, because this existence was never meant to be a utopia where no problems ever arise, or no human ever fails. It WILL happen.

    So that's why there are two parts in problem solving: prevention and cure. I think it's great that you are focusing and doing your part to work on the former, but what happens when you get someone (like this brother) who has already crossed the point of no return? In those cases, prevention can't work retroactively. For those situations, there is only the cure to resolve what's occured, and we all hope the cure will be something that will also serve to prevent a relapse in the future. So in that sense you are exactly right: we as humans have no choice but to make our share of mistakes and sins, and then move on doing the right thing. That is not something to be looked down upon; that's the way it's supposed to work.

    As far as speaking badly about the third party (I'm assuming you meant the ex-girlfriend) I agree with you that it serves no purpose to speak anything about her. In fact, she's not really a factor in this anymore- or at least she shouldn't be. If you will notice, I didn't even refer to her in my summary feedback I first posted. I don't feel it was appropriate for anyone to comment about her- it's backbiting.

    Like Nadia said, this brother now has enough feedback to move forward on the correct path. Everything from this point on is strictly up to him, we've done our parts. Insha'Allah brother, you will find the strength to and humility to mend the broken situations your choices have created, and you and the two ladies involved find peace and fortitude going forward into whatever futures are held for you all.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Amy, few final words,

      What you and others have perceived as an act of "shaming" someone is more about making the person actually REALISE the gravity of the situation his actions have created. Like I mentioned in one of my earlier posts on the thread, that this forum I believe is not only about giving advice but it also serves as a platform for people to learn, sometime from someone else's example. I talked about being "Pro-active", right. Yes this man is beyond the realms of pro-activity, and that is the exact situation I want to avoid now! This man's situation is now an ideal example for a lot of men / women here, to learn, to think and to avoid doing something which in case is not acceptable. Somethings are just not right, no matter what! You're helping the man change, you're focussing on one bit - THE CURE part of it, but I am trying to tell people who might read this (when perhaps none of us would be around), who haven't sinned but might be tempted to that this not right and, "tawbah" / "repentance" in Islam is not your free ticket to do whatever you please, you see, the other bit - THE PREVENTION part of it.

      At the end of it, it's all about perspective.

      Also, there's no issue at all with the multitude of problems we encounter on this forum. In fact, I am just a guest reader, you do things on a daily basis, you're handling a lot more than I do. The point I had to mention "Muslim" and the "recurring theme", is because even though the problem at hand is rampant and evenly spread across all sections of society, other people don't blame their religion for their own wrong doings! The reason these women end up here is they come here to know from the followers of Islam, if what they have encountered or being told is true or not. Have you heard any Muslim wife talk about religion when her husband cheats on her, because she knows this is not what Islam preaches, but this is clearly what an individual has chosen to do.

      And Amy, whether we agree or not on anything at all, I have always observed one thing, you and I, with our respective stands have never used inappropriate language for people, while discussing even the worst possible situations here. Glad about it.

      • What you and others have perceived as an act of "shaming" someone is more about making the person actually REALISE the gravity of the situation his actions have created

        i agree.

  41. Come on guys stop having a go at each other.

    He did wrong he knows he did.

    He was married within 2 weeks and has only been married 6 weeks.

    He is confused, he struggles with guilt.

    I'm sure we all wish him well and that he comes good , learns from his mistakes and becomes a stronger person from it.

  42. Salamualaikum,

    I guess a hundred comments are good enough for the brother to realize his mistake and make a decision.
    Sister tourbillon, I might have hurt you; I'm sorry.
    My language wasn't meant to disrespect, but to help, as I mentioned earlier (though the tone could have been low). And I hope no one comments on this line of mine now. Otherwise, it'll be a never ending post. lol... We are Muslims and should live in unity, so, let us not have any ill feeling towards each other.

    🙂

    Ma' as Salaam

    Your brother,
    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  43. Allah will judge him with the ultimate wisdom. He will be held accountable for his actions. Don't forget this Christian woman willingly participated in sinning, too. Allah wil hold her accountable, too. No one wishes ill on either of them. Let Allah be the judge. This man must now have allegence to his wife. He must move on.

    AmericanMuslim
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  44. To the editors:

    I have seen often that when posts receive a lot of comments at are sufficient; the post is then closed from further commenting. Maybe the same should be done with this post as I feel people are starting to gravitate from advising the brother and instead discussing the minutia of things.

    Some very good advice has been given and from all different perspectives. I'm sure the brother will benefit from them, inshAllah and we should now put our effort in helping others who have written for help.

    -Helping Sister

    • Typo: I have seen often that when posts receive a lot of comments that are sufficient, the post is then closed for further commenting.

      • Helping sister,
        You are absolutely right, in fact I was thinking along same lines yesterday when comments were well below 50 since I could see that this thread will invite argument which frankly won't help OP. For some commentators it's all about their view and they want to take everyone on board regardless of the fact that they are this tiny minority who have only been harsh, rude and let their emotions take the better of them.
        None of the editor has encouraged/condoned to OP for what he did, instead they said that his behavior was absolutely despicable and out of line with the teachings of Islam. While a few of these sisters on one hand are preaching mercy, forgiveness, kindness for OP's ex gf but on the other hand they have shown poor manners to make this brother realize his mistakes, repent for his sins and get back to his life and appreciate that Allah (swt) has blessed him with a wonderful wife. It's this non-nonsensical behavior which pushes people further into committing sin rather then helping them come clean out of it.
        Also, it's interesting that how these sisters were condemning our fellow editor (Muhammad Waseem) who everyone else could see wasn't siding with OP. Some of the comments started as "You being editor" as if editors are super humans who can't/don't make mistakes. I appreciate him for being calm. He has been on iA.com for quite a while and honestly he has been very honest and unbiased while advising; but obviously he was never praised for all that work he did but was criticized/attached and made fun of for making one mistake. Have these sisters shown the best manners to correct him; ABSOLUTELY NOT. This is the reason I don't see commenting and then attacked by a few commentators who have too much time on their hand to argue and are hell bound to make everyone agree to their opinion.
        I have deleted my own comments couple of times ago when I was in similar situation only to make a sister feel good, because some people just like to live in a fantasy that they are always right, have more common sense, are intelligent above anyone and everyone or can read and see what an ordinary human can't. I also do that because their is a famous hadith which mentions the reward for someone who gave up an argument despite knowing that they were right.

        OP. Sorry brother but I will have to close this post as it will only attract more arguments/criticism which I doubt will help anyone but do write to us under any other post to let us know how you are getting along. Read the advice given above and please move on, cherish your wife, repent your sins and work on removing your past including your ex gf from your life. It will only drag you to commit more sins and eventually leading you to hell fire.

        Muhammad1982,
        Editor, IslamicAnswers.com