Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Loveless Marriage

upset lonely woman

Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

I am requesting advice under the light of Qur'an and Sunnah.

I have been married for just over 1 year now. Me and my Husband had an arranged marriage (NOT forced). Prior to marriage, we had meetings in the presence of our families where we were able to see each other and ask the necessary questions we needed to know before we proceeded with the marriage. We were both happy after these meetings took place and so we both agreed to marry.

Usually when people marry, they go through what is called a "Honeymoon Period'. Me and my husband never had any of that. From the start, we never bonded. My husband has been uninterested in me from the start of our marriage and has never taken any interest in spending time with me. Within this 1 year we have never even been out together or spent any time as Husband and Wife. After only 3 weeks of marriage, he expressed to me how for some reason, he just can't seem to grow feelings for me. I always ask him is this because I am not fulfilling my duties as a wife, but he always replies by saying I am doing more than what a wife should be doing and that I don't need to change anything about myself (Which really makes no sense). As a result of this, I have grown very self conscious and my self-esteem has stooped to an all time low. I feel ugly and unworthy.

I'd like to cut it short. Basically my concerns are that the only sort of relationship me and my Husband have, is that of intimacy. Besides this, he pays no attention to me. We can go days without talking and when I raise these issues with him, he gets argumentative. Also, he is a Scholar but I see very little practice of Islam from him. He spends all day at work and then when he finally comes home, he spends all night watching movies - whilst neglecting me and as a result, he misses his Fajr Salah. I have only seen him waking up for fajr on very few occasions. This upsets me very much as I only married him for Deen.

I have suggested many times that we go on holiday together, even for a few days, just so that we have a chance to bond and spend time away from in-laws. Whenever I suggest this, he makes excuses saying he's busy or uses work as an excuse. Yet within this 1 year, he has travelled to 4 different countries with his friends without problem. Obviously, this indicated to me he has no interest in going with me.

I try my very best to please him for the sake of Allāh. I make conscious effort to look after him and also his family, yet it seems to be of no avail.He is very quick to criticise me, and quite frankly I can tell he cannot stand me for some reason. I have tried various different ways to try and increase the love between us. I make effort to look nice for him, prepare his food on time, buy him gifts and take interest in the things he likes, yet nothing works. He also says that he does not want to have Children with me. He hates being affectionate, whereas I am the opposite and would consider myself quite loving. Within this last 1 year, we've never even hugged each other - which I find quite strange. He has threatened me by saying he will take a second wife etc.

My dear Brothers and Sisters, I am in need of advice. All of my family are constantly trying to advise me to walk away from this marriage, as they believe I have tried more than I should have and they strongly believe I should walk away before it's too late. They really think I am wasting my time in a loveless marriage with someone who does not care for me. I am in two minds because I really do love my Husband and care for him but at the same time things just don't seem to be changing no matter how much I try. I have even tried speaking to my in-laws, still no change. But is a lack of love and affection in a relationship a good enough reason to walk away?


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12 Responses »

  1. Hi Sis,

    I agree with your family, it's time to leave him. It's not going to get better if he doesn't put any effort to it and i dont think he will if he can't stand you like you said. Don't force yourself to stay especially when everyone is supportive, and if he's threatening a second wife already then I'm guessing he was forced to marry you and he's been itching for an excuse to marry the one he actually loves.

    May Allah give you ease ameen

  2. You ask, if lack of love and affection in a relationship is a good enough reason to walk away? Seriously?

    Sister, I advise you to read the Quran and understand what Allah says on marriage.

    Your husband is an adult. You can't force him to be a husband or love you. You have tried for 1 year. Things are not changing. He excludes you from his life. Even your family sees this and support you leaving him. What more sign so you need?

    At the end of the day, it's your life. Nobody can stop you from living your life in a loveless "marriage". I am just wondering, why you would want that. You are young and can find another partner. Sometimes marriages dont work out. That's why divorce was created.

    It is your life and thus your decision.

    • Salamu alaykum,

      Dear sister, having Sabr is a great thing but you're neglecting your own feelings.
      If a man doesn't love a woman there is nothing you can do about that.
      It's not normal for a husband to say he doesn't want to have children with you.
      You said you love the man but do you really? Or do you love the fact being married?

      You're young and you shouldn't waste your precious time on someone who doesn't want to be with you.

      Take care sis

  3. As the saying goes "I'd rather be single than be with the wrong person". If you guys are not bounding and marriage is resorting to nothing but loveless sex, than you should look forward to available halal venues to move on with your life. Unless you want to spent rest of your life like that and that too with a thread of second wife.

    And while you are sorting what you want to do, don't pop any babies. Babies deserve a loving family.

  4. JazakAllāh khair Brothers and Sisters for your advice, I really appreciate it. Please keep me in your du'as. X

    • sister you tried your best but he does not change you should think about your self as well there is no need to stay in a relationship if you are not happy .May Allah help you and bless you .

  5. Update: A big JazakAllāh khayr to everyone for the support and advice, really appreciate it. After great thought and a lot of du'a, Allāh exposed this individual to me and I had found out that he has been exchanging many messages with Non Mahram women aswell as looking at pictures of other women on the Internet. So for me, all of these are enough valid reasons to walk away from this marriage.

    Please keep me in your humble du'as x

  6. Assalamu alaikum sister!
    Even I have been suffering from similar situation !
    Iam very soft and delicate..that's why my parents searched for a soft hearted person and got me married to him because many of them told good about him..
    Though he isn't good looking and all that..we dint go on looks but kept deen and good characters in front and married..(arrange marriage)
    Even in my case he isn't affectionate and Caring..from first night he just directly comes up and insert (no foreplay nothing) it was just like his need..many a times I used to be in sleep and he wanted to do..I have never rejected..
    I was shy in the start but then I spoke to him about it..he doesn't answer anything, or he says he thought i was satisfied..!infact I was not even wet with him..I have even explained him that even girls have this drive..he knows everything all details of even reproduction,
    It's been more than a year, but he has not even took my hand or touched it affectionately.!
    He doesn't come up and talk at all..Iam the one always have to talk and talk and he isn't interested, he has never even hugged me..but after few months I only started to hug him forcibly..! I literally sometimes think my life will be without love..
    He doesn't even ask if I want anything, if I say he says take it ,,very difficult it was in the beginning..I even spoke about it to him..and said Iam not independent financially..
    I can't be without talking to him...if I don't talk I don't think he will even talk to me after a month..if I complaint he says atleast he is replying..!
    Though we had sex many times..but I think Iam still untoched.if I talk to him he doesn't straight answer, he gives reasons all the time..I tell him he doesn't live ..he says iam the one who doesn't love because he is not good I think il go mad talking to him..why can't he see whaat is what..
    His family is good to me..can it be a force marriage (he is very much obedient to his parents) or he doesn't like me?
    After his work he stays in his phone watching comedy..even if I wait for him in bed he doesn't notice and stays in phone and sleeps..if I complaint he says even I was in phone..!
    Allah should atleast show me whats behind this
    Please advice me what to do..

    • He may have a different personality disorder. Seems like he doesn’t desire you, only when he wants to have sex then he wants you, but doesn’t care if you are ready for sex. Seems like he’d be ok if he wasn’t married at all, will only need a woman to fulfill his sexual desires whenever he wants to. Did you take the time to get to know him before marriage. Was he expressive and eager to get to know you and have goals together. He is not shy and quiet. He may be suffering from something. Perhaps seek marriage counseling. Or talk to his parents.

      • Jazakillah for the reply..
        His parents says he is like that..
        What interests him in speaking is other people's matters..(family matters)
        I feel like I have married some old woman then..
        He is jealous of me..if I talk to him regarding this he always have to manipulate things and lie or want to win the argument.. never straight answers..
        Iam from well to do family compared to him..I donno whether he doesn't like that o what ...
        It's an arrange marriage..
        I had no contact with him before..other than this he doesn't ask what iam doing and why.. sometimes he gets frustrated for simple things..and gives silent treatment..
        Iam really scared of getting pregnant with him..
        What if he don't live them like me

        • He doesn’t seem like he cares about you, doesn’t communicate straight, don’t want to work on fixing the relationship. just married you for God knows whatever reason. If you don’t see having children with him then please think twice next time when he inserts into you for his pleasure not yours

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