Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married to Avoid zinaa, now in a loveless marriage

I got married because of hating zina,  I  just got married to a girl I did not love before, just to save myself from zina,  I had never been in love with anyone because those I could love never loved me, and those who could love me  I had no love for. Then finally I ended up by just marrying somebody passing by.

She is not bad, I like her ways I even feel bad when she is not okay, but I don’t  feel like having sex with her because that love…I don't have it.

I still desire the one I loved but did not love me back, and I just hide it in my heart. But I never feel any desire to have sex with my wife. We now have a baby boy but I love them as I love my brothers.

Still I fear to commit a sin like zinaa and now I feel like abandoning my house because inside me I feel uncomfortable.

Advise me please...

- bachu

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7 Responses »

  1. Your problem is not your wife , but most likely your attachment to the one you really wanted .
    If she is actually married , then it would be best for you to forget her somehow and move on in your life.

    • Muslim, very good point!

      Bachu, your emotional attachment to the other woman is destructive. It is ruining your marriage, and almost certainly a marriage with the other woman could never be realized in real life without causing much damage, not to mention the fact that she did not love you as you loved her.

      Wake up, brother, and value what you have before it's too late. You say your wife is nice and you like her. The problem is that you have sealed off your heart from loving her. You must remove that seal and let your love out, and be good to your wife. See the good in her, and appreciate the fact that you have a companion in this life, unlike so many who are alone.

      Pardon me for quoting a rock and roll song, but there's a song that says, "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with." That seems very applicable here.

  2. “Love, too is inherited” said our Prophet (SAW).

    So what will you teach your child through your actions?

    And what will your legacy be Bachu?

  3. Salaam Brother,

    What you are experiencing is a lack of generosity in your heart which is pushing you to exist in a fantasy world where you can imagine yourself in a giving situation, because you cannot give in your real life. Love is something that we give, it is not something that we experience. That burning, yearning feeling is infatuation and last for about 3-6 months of a relationship before the couple get to know each other, and after that initial period, reality settles in and you reach a more comfortable stage.

    Even though your need for this other woman feels powerful to you, what you have failed to notice is that you are actually enjoying these feelings of yearning and wishing and getting pleasure from it. It’s quite common to build up a fantasy situation in our minds and then feel a whole heap of emotions from it. Even when those emotions are feelings of loss, and "what if" - it is still a fantasy that you are enjoying in your own mind. We confuse pain with pleasure and these thoughts and feelings are actually self-pleasuring and escapism - you are not facing up to reality, as reality is not exciting enough and cannot compete with the freedom of fantasy, and in many ways this fantasy that you escape into is giving you the emotions you need to feel, but in the safe setting of your mind, where no one can threaten them, take them away or interrupt.

    Love is when a person creates an environment of generosity and kindness, and it is generosity - to give kind words, to smile, to appreciate, to trust, to love - these are all gifts and to feel real love you must first of all learn generosity and giving. Once you focus on this concept that love is generosity, and lack of love is miserliness, you may start to become aware of how little you give to those around you, and how often you retreat into a fantasy world where you enjoy all of those feelings, by yourself, and for yourself. It is being very miserly with your generosity.

    Slowly slowly, you are tempted into swapping this real world, for pursuit of the fantasy world which really does not exist.

    You can create love and loving in your home through being generous with yourself, share your thoughts and feelings, acknowledge the kindnesses that are shown toward you, thank your wife for who she is to you, give kind words, actions, deeds. Dedicate yourself to observing your own level of generosity and you will see that you are not giving. Without feeling the generosity of giving affection, kindness, acceptance, gratitude and trust - without actually giving these things, you will not feel love anywhere in your life.

    Have a try, be generous toward your wife in good deeds and kind words and see how it goes for a few months and come back to us with an update.


  4. Bachu,

    I cannot understand how people can be this selfish. Firstly, you say you just married someone passing by to avoid zina. This is such a blatent disregard for your wife. When one decides to marry, it is not only in their own interest, but also to honour the spouse. This unfeeling regard is not good at all. I feel very sorry for your wife for you referring to her as a passerby. We avoid zina by knowing that it is wrong and by praying and fasting and being patient.
    You say you loved someone but they did not love you back. This is not love, it is lust and the shaytaan has a strong influence over you. Where is your self respect? If someone didn't love you back, get over it and get it out of your mind. Real love is created and developed through a halal marriage, where you learn about each other as you share your lives together. This idea of some tragic unrequited love that never was is influence of evil western media.
    You have a son. You need to show your gratitude to Allah for the blessing of a healthy child. So many people cannot have children.
    My advice is totally forget this lust you feel for the other woman, beg for Allah's forgiveness and respect you wife and child. You decided to get married, it should never be taken lightly, thus honour your duties towards your wife and child.

  5. Thank you to Bachu, Leyla and Trouble. Your responses helped me! May Allah bless us all.

  6. I have a similar situation like Bachu.
    I need normal help on my issue,

    I have loved this girl since I remember the word love existed.I mean the girl I just can't see anyone other than her as my wife.I have never thought bad about any woman sexually or other way including her but now since I am grown up I need to get married.
    The interesting thing is that my mother loves that girl too.She says that if we can both get married she would get it done even if given few seconds notice.My mom doesn't know that I love her!No one knows!
    I think the girl's mother likes me too but the Girl,I think either she doesn't or may be she doesn't believe in love stuff.

    Any advice?


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