Muslim girl loving a non Muslim guy causing family conflicts.
Salaam,
I am a Bengali Muslim girl living in the USA. Growing up in such a destructive society I've committed plenty of sins which I am aware of. But I'm on here right now because I am in a situation which I don't know what to do.. I'm in love with a guy who's not Muslim. We've been together for about 2 years now and I've given up my virginity to him. We still have physical contact knowing it's wrong. He loves me a lot and is willing to become Muslim. He wants to marry me also. And I would do anything to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him peacefully.
Anyway, my parents come from a strict culture which I understand but I wish they wouldn't care that he's not my race. Personally I think it shouldn't matter. But they don't want me with him at all and they will never accept him. I want to be with him and also be with my family. But my family would want me to choose between them or him and I don't think I can do that. I love this man just as I love my family. The only reason they don't want us to be together is cause he's not Bengali. Allah SWT never said anything against interracial marriages.
I can't runaway either cause my father has to be at my wedding for my marriage to be islamically accepted. I have gave up everything for this man and I want to repent for my mistakes but I want him to be the only man I ever touch. Idk what to do, it's stressing me out.
Mida123.
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Assalam alikum Sr,
You should contact local Islamic center. If the brother accepts Islam then the Islamic center Imam can talk to your parents. Also some one from the Islamic center can act as a Wali and preform the marriage.
There is no way my parents will accept him. Even if he converts, they don't care. It's about culture and a lot of reputation. If I leave with this man, my family will disown me.
So, Mida123, you basically have no other options than to forget about this guy and move on with your life. Simple as that, really. You don't want to do what's necessary to be with this guy, so you have to let go of him. Which is probably the best, seeing he isn't even Muslim. And he hasn't converted. You say he'll be willing to convert. What does that mean? That he won't convert if you aren't in the picture? That's not really a sincere conversion, is it now? Either he converts for the sake of Allah, or he doesn't convert at all.
Also, please don't blame the sins you have committed on outside factors. Many of us grown up in the same kind of society as you, but we don't fall in to sexual sins. But you did, because that was your own choice - not society's. You need to take responsibility for your own actions and repent, if you really do feel bad for what you have done, to God.
Dear Mida123
I'm a Bengali Muslim from the UK and I understand you're situation completely. There's been a lot of situations like yours among our community. If you genuinely love this man than ask him to convert and marry him if you want you're relationship to be halal. But you must repent sincerely for the zina you have committed and ensure that he is genuinely open to Allah and wants to convert for himself, otherwise there's really no point.
Secondly, have courage. Parents are always upset and scared when children do something that challenges their cultural and religious norms. Most Bengali parents say they will disown you if you do this or do that but when it comes down to it, it's another case. If you marry a Muslim man than stand strong that you've done the right thing, keep explaining to your parents that it is islamically accepted and that no matter what happens you don't want to live without your family in your life. Eventually, they will accept it, just have faith and patience.
Thirdly, don't marry him without your family's permission. It will not only be invalid but no one is worth throwing away your family for. Even if it takes you the next three years to bring them round, just keep trying. Tell them you will neither give him up or your family up. Many Bengali girls I know who have married reverts or people outside our culture have worked hard to make their families accept that islamic ally it's ok and eventually they always do.
So have faith and good luck. Always try and do the right thing islamically.
Assalaamualaikam,
Sister, as I see it, there are three major aspects to your dilemma.
Firstly, you are in a relationship with a non-Muslim man. As Muslimahs, we are prohibited from having relationships with non-Muslim men, and should not be having pre-marital relationships with any man, regardless of his faith. We have been blessed by Allah in that we belong to this Ummah, and that there is guidance and protection for us in the teachings of Islam.
If your boyfriend truly believes in the teachings of Islam, not for the sake of your relationship but because he can feel true faith in his heart, he should take his shahada without delay. Conversion just for a relationship wouldn't be the right thing to do, though - Islam isn't just a "go to prayers at Eid" religion (like some people practise other faiths), it is a way of life that is constantly present and guiding our actions and thoughts every day; someone converting for the sake of a relationship might well struggle with this and end up resentful and isolated.
If your boyfriend does not want to convert and practise Islam, then your choice is whether you wish to continue your relationship despite knowing that it is haraam, or to give up this boy for the sake of your faith. If he converts, he would be free to propose marriage to you in accordance with Islamic practices, but a pre-marital relationship would still be prohibited.
Secondly, your parents appear opposed to the relationship. I'm unsure how much they know of your relationship, but if they are aware that you have been having a pre-marital relationship (regardless of who it's with), it's to be expected that they would not be in favour of that, as it goes against the Islamic values they have tried to pass on, and they may well be worried about the potential consequences.
Racism is not acceptable in Islam, so it would not be acceptable for a marriage proposal to be rejected on grounds of race or culture. If your father refused a proposal based on un-Islamic reasons, it would then be possible for you to approach your local masjid and discuss the situation with them, as they might be able to talk with your father or arrange an alternative wali.
Thirdly, you write that you continue to have a pre-marital relationship despite knowing that it is wrong to do so. I feel that it would be important for you to think about this, and why you continue to do this - sometimes this way of thinking can indicate that our connection to our faith isn't as strong as it could be, so I would recommend trying to re-connect with Islam. Read Quran regularly, try to find a class to attend, listen to lectures, and avoid haraam influences.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
As-salamu alaykum sister,
I'm sorry, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for your situation, and don't see any way for you to get what you want. You don't seem concerned about the fact that you are committing sins with this man, or that he's not Muslim. You say he's willing to become Muslim - so why hasn't he?
As it is, I do not see a future for you and this man, at least not in any way that Islam would sanctify, and obviously not in any way your parents would approve.
The only suggestion I have for you is to remember Allah. Fear Allah in your choices. Be aware of Allah in your actions. Learn about your religion, not for your family's sake or so that you can marry someone, but for yourself.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam,
well said brother Wael, i agree with what he has written and encourage you to follow it sister
Fellow Bengali girl has given excellent advice but i agree with Brother Weal too.
From my experience, i would say that its better to leave this guy and be married to some suitable Muslim man, preferably of your parents choice (if you cannot for one reason or another, stay single and serve your parents and do charity work which is very hard but can be done)
ps- i doubt this guy you love. if he really interested in Islam, why has not converted yet?? If he converts just to marry you, then it would be invain. you have already committed major sins being with him (in love). so please dont be continued on haram path. you know its wrong. please dont fool youself putting it on parents as your relationship at first place is haraam. please understand. please save yourself. sometimes you have to right decision may they cause you immense pain.
can you update us all about your response/decision?
PS-
I forgot to add that Islam is more important than culture or tradition. Islam does not change with culture.
So your parents viewpoint is biased/wrong.
but this does not mean that you can argue/or have an upper hand when it comes to your relationship with that man. We girls often try to live life in an illusion ( love) but that does not save us from bitter reality. While trying to take such relationship ahead hoping to turn it into a halal one, we actually get far from our deen, our own self and from all those who loved us truly (like family) and one day, we are left alone, even by our so called love. It happens. May your (yours and that guy's )love is genuine but it cannot be considered as Halal relationship. If you leave your parents for sake of this guy(even if converts- which i doubt), chances more are that you would regret your decision later in life.
Trust me and other fellow Muslims, we all advice from Islamic teachings/ personal experience/based on things seen around, this relationship will lead you nowhere but to pain, frustration and hell. Distance with this guy and turn to Allah (swt)& repent to Allah (swt) for your major sins.
JazakAllah for all of your advice and thoughts on my situation. May Allah bless all of you. I decided to leave him and stay with my family. Ending all this with him will help everything else fall back in place Inshallah. I will repent and stay true to my Allah.
Oh my dear Sister,
I was wondering about you.
You took very right decision.
I can very well understand your pain but trust me, sometimes you have to bear it for sake of to be on right path and its worth.
May Allah (swt) guide you and give you the best.
I wish you all good luck and lots of love. 🙂