Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Loving Someone in a wrong time

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Assalam Alaykum,

I would like to share my story in Dubai and to be enlighten with advices.

Before I came in Dubai my marriage is already complicated my husband cheat on me and been to friends most of the time and we dont feel anything at all I'm Christian, and when I came in Dubai converted to Islam as i believe that its the true religion. My husband don't care if I converted or not. I decide to work and raise my daughter by my own because my husband is lazy and do nothing. stagfurralah! and my husband accept with all his heart that i will work, because we cannot and there is no love anymore.

while Im in Philippines I work as Online virtual assistant most of my nights I work in Computer and social media, I received a message from 1 guy in Dubai, I chatted with him, he is Single pakistani muslim man in Dubai,  his very good he become my stress re leaver, my defender, my consultant, my very close friend and start liking each other.

after 6 months of chatting, suddenly our communicate is off, I work in far city as a call center.

But every time i see his message in FB hey if my love is true you will be in Dubai as if someone is dreaming and I just ignore it.. un expectedly I received a call from 1 agency, that I been selected to work in Dubai" not intentionally but I grap the opportunity" for my daughter future.

2 months I stay in Dubai I remember the guy I chatted, S, then I open my fb and say Hi to him, and response automatically and started communicating almost everyday.

1 year later we meet in Biggest mall in Dubai, and become more close. Like becomes love. he always wait in Skype after my work, he even ask me to meet his parents back in Pakistan which he really did I meet his sister,brother, and even his Father. trough skype. and they are very warm and very good family.

I already tell S that we cannot get married due not legal separation after 2 years of our relationship, he again ask me to get married with him. but again I insist but back of my mind now that Im separated with my husband all I can do is legalised our separations. but Shakiil family came to the point that Ask him to get married in pakistan. I ask S and push him to get married to.

He get married with a young woman whos age 22, Im sooo heart broken as Im so worried that his love will be gone. after 1 month he came back and ask me not to leave him because he dont love her wife and he cannot live without me and Im the one who ask him to get married from the first place.. but my mind is ready to leave but my heart is still asking to keep our relationship, Until now I feel guilty,jealous and feel betrayed every-time he will go to his accommodation and talk to her pregnant wife. I always fight with him almost every time but he always keep me cool down and I ask him to leave leave leave so we will not hurt each other and we will not hurt his family and wife, but he told me that he cannot afford to loose our 7 years relationship just like that. I can feel he loves me more than before and our relationship becomes mature. BUT he is already married, and now that I already process my Annulment with my husband he is jealous that I might ask him to leave because I want to get married with someone else.

and sometimes I will frighted him that I will call her wife if he will not leave but he will just reply to me that You know the consequence of my family.

if anyone can advise me what to do I need someone to enlightened me. what is the best advice you can advice.

is it worth to fight for our love and be married as a second wife when my legal separation is approved?

or should i leave him and move on?

I will go far where S will not see me?

should I call his wife and show that I excess because his family knows that I am but his wife and wife family doesnt  know?

I really dont know what to do All i know is I love him and he loves me. its a selfish words but thats what we feel its just that everything is so complicated..

Thank you.

Fatima.

 

 

 

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10 Responses »

  1. If he really loved you he could have been patient and waited long enough to marry you when you were ready. But from your message it seems like he didn't have much time and needed to get married quick probably pressure from family which I can't blame him as he did approach you a few times before for marriage. I think you need to think about yourself first here especially because you have a child. The child will definitely need support. You also need to think about whether your ok being a second wife and whether he can committ to looking after both equally well which I must say is very difficult in today's society. Or you may be better off marrying someone who will only give you their live and your child.

    • In reply to Abu thanks alot for your advice, definetely my kids are all out support they are the reason why i work and why i leave, i always ask forgiveness to Allah for this relationship and always dua anwhere,anytime that Allah will do something if we are not for each other Allah.. i cannot imagine my self marrying someone else other than him, he loves and care my kids more than a father. I dont know what to do Wallah, and even everyday i feel guilty for her wife that sometimes i fight with him and because of the guilt i feel, but he still fighting for our love.. i want to know if there is Dua that can show me a light path i would appreciate..

      Thanks,
      Fatima

  2. Sister you should ask Allah for showing you the right path, and pray like this O Allah if there is your will to be get married with him then make it easy for us and if there is not your will then change our heart and bestow us the right and perfect partner.
    and i think you aren't suppose to call his wife it will bring big dispute among their family. it is not her fault. being a women, you know very well as you want your your love she also has right to have his husband's love.
    And ask this Dua abundantly,
    فسهّل يا إلهي كلَّ صعبٍ بحُرمةِ سيّدِ الأبرارِ سَهّل
    TRANSLATION: It's saying: make easy, oh my Lord, all that is difficult, by the sacredness of the master/best of/lord of the reverend/true/devoted, make easy.

  3. ALLAH'S WAY OF FINDING YOU ISLAM..YES YOUR HURT.. BUT LIFE GOES ON.
    .THINK OF THIS YOUR SINS ARE FORGIVEN AND YOU HAVE A TRUE DIRECTION AND PURPOSE OF UNDERSTANDING LIFE..ALOT OF PEOPLE DO NOT THERE PURPOSE IN LIFE.....BUT I DO WANT TO SAY...THAT YOU ARE A SUNNI MUSLIM AND SHOULD FOLLOW ONE SCHOOL OF THOUGHT LIKE ABU HANIFA..THIS WILL GIVE YOU A STRONGER AND STABLE FOUNDATION....GO BACK HOME AND FIND A PERSON INVOLVED IN TABLIGH JAMAAT. .THESE PEOPLE ARE THE BEST OF MANKIND BECAUSE THE REFORM THEMSELVES AND CALL THE MUSLIMS BACK SO THEY CAN REACH A HIGHER LEVEL OF IMAN AND CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT AT HOME....I MYSELF WAS REVERT I MARRIED A WOMEN SCHOLOR FROM ENGLAND AND I DO NO BEST FOR YOU TO ACHIEVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS...MAKE SURE YOUR LIFE IS TOTALLY HALAL AND PRAY 5 TIMES AND MASTER IT AND STICK TO THE READING OF QURAN.

    • Assalamalaikum, Mr. Raul,

      Isn't better for you to follow the Quran and the hadiths as the Prophet (SAW) taught us rather than talking about SOME TABILIGHI JAMAATH who claim to be true Sunnis.

      The fatwas of some of the scholars concerning Jamaa’at al-Tableegh:

      1 – Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz said:

      Jamaa’at al-Tableegh do not have proper understanding of the issues of ‘aqeedah, so it is not permissible to go out with them, except for one who has knowledge and understanding of the correct ‘aqeedah of Ahl al-Sunnah wa'l-Jamaa'ah, so that he can guide them and advise them, and cooperate with them in doing good, because they are very active, but they need more knowledge and someone who can guide them of those who have knowledge of Tawheed and the Sunnah. May Allaah bless us all with proper understanding of Islam and make us steadfast in adhering to it.

      Majmoo’ Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn Baaz, 8/331

      2 – Shaykh Saalih al-Fawzaan said:

      Going out for the sake of Allaah does not refer to the kind of going out that they mean nowadays. Going out for the sake of Allaah means going out to fight. What they call going out nowadays is a bid’ah (innovation) that was not narrated from the salaf.

      Going out to call people to Allaah cannot be limited to a certain number of days, rather one should call people to Allaah according to one's abilities, without limiting that to a group or to forty days or more or less than that.

      Similarly the daa’iyah must have knowledge. It is not permissible for a person to call people to Allaah when he is ignorant. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

      “Say (O Muhammad): This is my way; I invite unto Allaah (i.e. to the Oneness of Allaah — Islamic Monotheism) with sure knowledge”

      [Yoosuf 12:108]

      i.e., with knowledge, because the caller must know that to which he calls people, what is obligatory, mustahabb, haraam and makrooh. He has to know what shirk, sin, kufr, immorality and disobedience are; he has to know the degrees of denouncing evil and how to do it.

      The kind of going out that distracts people from seeking knowledge is wrong, because seeking knowledge is an obligation, and it can only be achieved by learning, not by inspiration. This is one of the misguided Sufi myths, because action without knowledge is misguidance, and hoping to acquire knowledge without learning is an illusion.

      From Thalaath Mihaadaraat fi’l-‘Ilm wa’l-Da’wah.

      And Allaah knows best.

      “Jamaa’at al-Tableegh” is one of the groups that are working for Islam. Their efforts in calling people to Allaah (da’wah) cannot be denied. But like many other groups they make some mistakes, and some points should be noted concerning them. These points may be summed up as follows, noting that these mistakes may vary within this group, depending on the environment and society in which they find themselves. In societies in which knowledge and scholars are prevalent and the madhhab of Ahl al-Sunnah wa’l-Jamaa’ah is widespread, the mistakes are much less; in other societies these mistakes may be greater. Some of their mistakes are:

      1 – Not adopting the ‘aqeedah of Ahl al-Sunnah wa'l-Jamaa'ah. This is clearly seen from the variations in the ‘aqeedah of some of their members and even of some of their leaders.

      2 – Their not paying attention to shar’i knowledge.

      3 – Their misinterpretation of some Qur’aanic verses in a manner that was not intended by Allaah. For example they interpret the verses on jihad as referring to “going out for da’wah”. The verses which mentioned the word khurooj (going out) etc. are interpreted by them as meaning going out for da’wah.

      4 – They make their system of going out for da’wah an act of worship. So they started to misquote the Qur’aan to support their system which specifies certain numbers of days and months. This system, which they think is based on evidence from Qur’aan, is widespread among them in all countries and environments.

      5 – They do some things that go against sharee’ah, such as appointing one of them to make du’aa’ for them whilst the group goes out for da’wah, and they think that their success or failure depends on whether or not this man was sincere and his du’aa’ accepted.

      6 – Da’eef (weak) and mawdoo’ (fabricated) ahaadeeth are widespread among them, and this is not befitting for those who aim to call people to Allaah.

      7 – They do not speak of munkaraat (evil things), thinking that enjoining what is good is sufficient. Hence we find that they do not speak about evils that are widespread among the people, even though the slogan of this ummah – which they continually repeat – is:

      “Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good (Islam), enjoining Al-Ma‘roof (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do) and forbidding Al-Munkar (polytheism and disbelief and all that Islam has forbidden). And it is they who are the successful”

      [Aal ‘Imraan 3:104 – interpretation of the meaning]

      The successful are those who enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil, not just those who do only one of the two.

      8 – Some of them fall into self-admiration and arrogance, which leads them to look down on others, and even to look down on the scholars and describe them as inactive and sleeping, or to show off. So you find them talking about how they went out and travelled, and they saw such and such, which leads to unfavourable results, as we have mentioned.

      9 – They regard going out for da’wah as better than many acts of worship such as jihad and seeking knowledge, even though those things are obligatory duties, or may be obligatory for some people but not others.

      10 – Some of them audaciously issue fatwas, and discuss tafseer and hadeeth. That is because they allow each one of them to address the people and explain to them. This leads to them speak audaciously on matters of sharee’ah. So the inevitably speak of the meaning of a ruling, hadeeth or verse when they have not read anything about it, or listened to any of the scholars. And some of them are new Muslims or have only recently come back to Islam.

      11- Some of them are negligent with regard to the rights of their children and wives. We have discussed the seriousness of this matter in the answer to question no. 3043.

      Hence the scholars do not allow people to go out with them, except for those who want to help them and correct the mistakes that they have fallen into.

      We should not keep the people away from them altogether, rather we must try to correct their mistakes and advise them so that their efforts will continue and they will be correct according to the Qur’aan and Sunnah.

  4. In Reply to Raul and Ubaid: Yes I am Sunni Muslim Alhamdulilah Thank you brother for your advises

    brother Ubaid yes I know that I should not and never i will call the wife its a shame and a slap on my face to claim someone who never been mind legally, its just that sometimes out of jealousy and insecurities i can think of those what IF???? and shaytan is trying to manipulate the situation , I feel like this I just cry and dua that Allah will guide me, I know the feeling of being cheated by husband and every-time i put my self on her shoes, and i know the pain..

    Thank you for kind words, I expect that when i post this article I will receive a flood of hatred comment for those woman who get married who there husband cheated with them, but i see unexpected reaction.

    Thanks,
    Fatima

  5. Aslamualikum sister,

    Im so sorry to hear ur strugglings. May allah help u n make it easy for u.. reading ur story i feel like ur boyfrind S is just palyng and weating time with u. If he really wants u n marry u even after having a wife then has he ever mentioned marriege to u after his marriege.??? Is he ready to take u as his secound wife n a doughter's reposiblites??? By secound wife i mean secound wife. Not like a secret marriege or secret wife.. is he ready to stand up for u??? Talk about u to his famly, mum , dad, and his wife???? Is he ready to take u as a wife infront of evrybody??? If yes. Then whynot marry him and make this relitionship halal. Sure his other will suffer and feel bad about S's second wife but i think its better then cheating on her. Betrying her and making her feel used. Its better to keep it halal then keeping it serect and haram.

    But until then u need to cut all ties with him. Respact ur self and dont let him use u until u lot can legely mary eachother. S knows u are alone feeling hurt and thats why hes taking advantage of ur weekness. He comes to u whenever he wants. If he really is not happy with his wife then why is he stil with her goes to see her.??? He just leing n makng stoires. Never belive a man's words until he truns thos big big words and promises in to actions!!!!
    Most men only lie about love but has no feelings for a girl

  6. His married with a pregnant wife leave him and his family along move on with your life

  7. Can any body tell me how to and where to write for getting suggestions, i tried but failed.
    Thanks.
    Ubaid.

  8. In response to Lana:

    Thank you for your comment sister!! YES I tried many times and I will tried more,

    just another situation and another stage our my relationship-

    last 25th of November Her wife born his first child... his happy and I'm happy!! Indeed BUT!!!

    I'm struggling My Imaan hunts me every day and night.. I ask him now that your son is born let me go freely without hurting each other.. I feel frustrated..sad, depressed..and jelous..

    the day of labor, i request him i want to see her wif picture, he showed me her wife picture on hospital bed.. first of all I saw his son picture when we are together and his very happy and also me,, as he requested me many time he wants a baby but i cannot give..

    he didnt go back to pakistan as he dont want to leave me here n Dubai and he dont want to make me feel upset he said if "i will go i will for my son". I requested many times to leave but he cant. today morning I ask him that.. I feel guilty about it.. and I want to leave and run away.. but he said he didn't share his life with me because of this.. he said if my imaan is shaking because of his son he can love me without sleeping with me he can love me without making love.. even not together.. but i ask him to leave.. leave leave because i want to live my life normally.. now my only hope is ALLAH!! to help me get out on this situation, I want to ask Allah why he let us came to this situation.. many time I dua to Allah to do something as I offer my life to Allah... Im weak and Allah is strongest all i can l do istakhira for 7 days.. ask and dua to Allah to open his mind... I LOVE HIM but i dont want to be his second wife.. and i know its wrong.. he ask me if I want to be a second wife and he will wait for my papers so we can get marry.. But I know his wife will never accept.. so do I..

    Please if there is any advice or Dua to stop this I'm willing to follow.. if there is anything I can read.. any sunna instructions to stop a forbidden relation without hurting each other i will do...

    another option i did is, I apply and apply to go for another country so I will be far from him but still I did not get any response..

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