Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Loyalty to my husband or to my parents, which to follow?


About 3 years ago, I found someone that I felt I could marry. I told my parents about him and said I wanted to get married. However, I was studying at the time and they told me to wait until I finished studying. But for some  reason I didn't believe them I could tell they were lying so I did my nikaah as I did not want to live in sin. I realised I made a grave mistake by doing this nikaah without my parents permission but at the time I felt I had no choice.

I didn't tell my parents and stayed with them. When my studies finished I brought it up, they told me to wait until my sister came back from holiday, I waited. She returned then they told me to wait until after Ramadhan, I waited. They then said they don't believe in marriages between 2 eids, so I waited. At this point my husband had become very frustrated and angry, saying that we have waited so long and I should just leave. I know as my husband I should listen to him but I feel if I pack my bags and 'run away' I will be committing equal amount of sin.

My parents said they will disown me if I go ahead of this but I have not changed my mind because we are married. I am still living with my parents because I wanted them to give me away respectfully. They said they will do it but I'm not sure if I believe them anymore.

The fact that I am still living at my parents house is causing a strain on my relationship with my husband. He is getting impatient and frustrated and is saying we may as well get a divorce. I do not want this, I just wanted to be given away respectfully.

I don't know what to do, shall I wait for my parents or shall I just leave?


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5 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualaykum,

    Sister, the Prophet(saw) said that a marriage without Wali is invalid, invalid, invalid. So some scholars would deem your marriage invalid, while some would say it is valid, but is highly immoral. I understand you performed nikah because you wanted to avoid doing haraam, so while I think it was extemely foolish of you to marry in secret, I can also see that your actions were influenced by your fear of sinning - so my heart slightly warms towards you.

    However, you still did very wrong. The right thing would have been for you both to either practice patience, or for you to openly push your parents to do nikah until they finally agreed.

    It is clear now that your parents do not want you to marry this man, you have stated no reasons for their rejection. Because you have been living together, I personally think it is better for you to try to legalise your marriage in public. In order to keep the peace at home, approach an Imam and get him to convince your parents to marry you both. If they still do not agree, may be its time to cough up and face the music.

    After living with this man for so long, will you really both agree on divorce, just because you cannot face your parents? For your husband/or boyfriend to suggest 'divorce' sounds pretty cowardly to me. The choice is yours.

    SisterZ Editor

    • I agree with SisterZ. Tell your parents that you are married, and tell them that you now want to re-do the nikah legally and openly.

      You seem to think that your choices are either to live a secret life, or to run away. Why such extremes. Why is telling the truth always the last resort?

      Wael Editor

    • @ SisterZ

      Can you please show me an authentic hadith stating that marriage without a Wali is prohibited and invalid

      • Asalaamualaykum Lala,

        Thank you for your question.

        The Prophet(saw) said: "No marriage is valid without a wali." [related by Ahmed and others and deemed sound by Ahmed, Ibn Hajar and others]

        He(saw) also said: "There is no marriage without the permission of a guardian." [Sunan of Abu Dawood 2080, Narrated Abu Musa]

        And further; "When a woman marries without the permission of her wali, then her marriage is not valid, not valid, not valid." [Related by Ahmad, Tirmidhi and others. Tirmidhi said, this is a hasan Hadith]

        Some schools of thought say that in the case where a sister marries without a wali, then her marriage is invalid. However some schools of thought say it is valid, but is highly immoral. At the same time, if a sister marries without her wali and then later he finds out, if he feels the marriage partner for his daughter is unsuitable on Islamic grounds, then he can take control and annul the marriage contract. Of course, what I have said is very general and is through my own observation and analysis of lives cases I have seen, as a layperson. So each case should be assessed in its own a merits by a qualified Imam/Mufti.

        SisterZ Editor

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