Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am a male who was sexually abused in childhood, please help

Say boy, unhappy boy, little boy

As salaam alaikum everyone,

I sincerely need your help and advice. I am a married man aged 30 yrs old. When I was about 6-7 years old I was molested and sexually fiddled by a relative grandfather who lived with us. This happened regularly until I was about 15.  I put a stop to it since I became physically strong at 15.

I now feel guilty, depressed, anxious when I think about what happened in my childhood. I have developed a low confidence which I attribute to my childhood.

I am not close to my family, wife and will not talk about it to anyone.

I believe my childhood abuse has made me into the person i am now. I dont like it but I often watch pornographic videos but afterwords I feel guilty about it.

What shall I do? What is the islamic perspective on male on male sexual abuse survivors? Please help, I often cry when I am on my own because the world is so cruel and I don't wish it on anyone to go through with what I have been through.

I wish to follow the path of a good Muslim but I have too many demons which affect and stop me since I was a kid.

- Azad2012

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11 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum,

    Brother, what happened in your childhood was not your mistake. And insha Allah, you won't be accountable for it, but if you let it affect your life now, it is wrong, and if I have to be frank, it is foolishness.

    You should consider that you were not party to any such act, even if you agreed to it then (when you were 6). Because Allah does not punish you for your mistakes or sins you do before you attain puberty. And when you attained puberty, your stopped him from doing what he used to do. So, you are absolutely right.

    Your ill feeling is merely a whispering of the Shaitaan to lead you astray and to cause grief to you. Shaitaan finds pleasure in doing so. But it is your duty to save yourself and be at peace.

    Your watching pornography is completely unacceptable, and Haraam. You have a wife, then what is the requirement for an external source of pleasure? Give all the love you can to your wife, take pleasure from her, and avoid watching evil, thus defeating Shaitaan.

    Do not speak about what happened in your childhood, to anyone whatsoever. And forget about it. It can not be changed, and you are not accountable for it, as it happened before you were at senses. There are many people who may have been exploited in such fashion in their childhood, but they have forgotten it, as it has nothing to do with their lives now. What happened is past, what one should be concerned about is the future, i.e. The Aakhirah.

    So, just enjoy your life with your wife, and be dutiful to Allah. Insha Allah, you'll find Allah's Mercy always near you.

    Wassalamualaikum
    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Asalaam alaikum brother.

    I would like to start off by saying..Wow..What a good man you have grown up to be, even though what happened to you when you were younger could have made you bitter.

    Of course, we are human, we make mistakes. But brother...Watching those ill things has nothing to do with what happened in your childhood. You can't use that as an excuse.

    Shaitan is trying to do everything he can to lead you astray here. You have got to understand that and not let him win.

  3. Selam Alekum,

    I'm so sad to hear you have gone through this. You can not just forget it. You went through severe abuse. It is never a child's fault when an adult abuses them. Maybe you can find a good counselor who is also a Muslim who can help you. This does not go away just by forgetting it. Work on this so you can improve your relationship with your wife and family. You do not need to keep this a secret and not tell anyone like the person above said. This kind of abuse needs to be exposed and it is not your shame or your fault but the adult who abused you is the one who should carry the shame and not you. You can find other survivors of this kind of abuse. You are not alone and you can tell people who you trust about it.

    Allah does not want any person to be oppressed and especially children. Pray a lot ,and if you want to find a good Islamic counselor who also understands child abuse that can understand you. I pray for you and hope for healing for you so you can have good family relationships. Nour Domestic violence has counselors who are Muslims. They help people who have been through abuse. You can find the organization online.

    It is important you find someone you can talk to about this and work on the problems, that come from this kind of abuse. I am sad you went through this as a child and the affects can last a long time. But with prayer and support and trusting in Allah you can heal. But remember you were a child and it is not your fault but the abusers fault for the abuse.

    • I am not muslim. Yet I meet you here in Peace, love, and understanding. I pray you can accept the past and its horrible abuses. But I know accepting the facts, the feelings, the constant recollections and voices does not make them end. Speaking confidentially to someone you trust completely enables you to hear the facts and separate the feelings. Only when you isolate the feelings attached to the past from the facts recalled today can you be liberated from emotional distresses. We live our lives only in this present moment. All the factual memories are no different than joyful memories with friends. The feelings fade and the memories soon after. Accept your innocence. Accept the gift of love and acceptance that your wife offers you. Your freedom will never be found in false satisfactions or avoidance. Freedom is found in accepting truth. Know that as hard as this may be, you are not the only one struggling. You have survived. That is the final truth. God bless always.

      • Dear Graham,

        I write to you with peace and good intentions. Your advice given to the abused brother was sincere and touching. Yet filled with common sense which can help him overcome his nightmarish past. Abuse isn't confined to a particular culture, religion or ethnicity. Abusers probably have been abused in their past, or perhaps are completely evil people with sadistic minds. Either way, the abused should not allow him/herself linger in the pain of their past. For if one does so, then he/ she will never live in the present and will never await for the future with hope.

        Allah is the Compassionate, the Most Compassionate and He is there waiting for this brother to turn to Him. If the brother isn't ready to talk to anyone, which I can understand, then his first move should be to talk with his Rabb (Lord). He needs to pray to Him, to cry out to Him and to find comfort in Him. Once he takes these steps, then he needs to turn to his wife. He'll find comfort in her , in which she can listen to him, advise him and give him the unconditional love he needs.

        Truly it saddens me to read such stories. One wishes to wave a wand a magically remove such memories away from their minds. However there's hope. The door of hope is always there if one is willing to open it.

        Inshallah this brother has found some relief from the painful memories of his past.

        May Allah protect him, his family and all of us from evil...ameen

        Lisa

  4. Assalaamu alikum brother,

    Turn to Allah in prayer, and seek wisdom in his stories of the past that he has taught us. You should know you have done nothing wrong, but you were wronged. I would recommend getting the book "The resilient self How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity:"

    You can buy it here : http://www.amazon.com/dp/0812991761?tag=nettrainingin-20&camp=14573&creative=327641&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=0812991761&adid=04JZJPS2W0017T5F9CCM&. It's a good book.

    Read the book. If after reading it you still feel like you are emotionally stuck, and not moving forward in recovery, and still in pain. The book will give you a good idea about speaking to a counselor about the issue.

    Why would a Muslim need a counselor when they already have the kitab and sunnah? Counseling gives a person the opportunity to know exactly what to make dua about. Sometimes when we are in a lot of pain we can only see things from one angle, and we make decisions based on a hurt heart. People heal in meaningful relationships with others by the power of Allah. I agree not broadcast your private info to people because it won't help, but therapeutic help is different.

    The sahabah had the Messenger of Allah to talk to about things, and they were the manliest of men. I would say beware of psychiatrists because all they do is give out drugs. Many people go to psychiatrist and wind up in a worse situation then they were. But a psychologist is different then a psychiatrist , getting a psychiatrist who focuses on having a better future instead of dwelling in the pain of the past maybe a good thing to consider Akhi. Not all psychologist have the same methodology, and they are not the same. The book I told you explains it all.

    As far as porn addiction goes, get the workbook "recovery by choice" written by Martin Nicoaus and follow it. If you would like more ideas on overcoming porn addiction feel free to call , and chat with me. Otherwise, don't forget that this is a blessed month so make the most out of it. I hope that helps.

    Tahsin Floyd Orr

  5. Please visit 1in6.org for info. You are not alone!

  6. get professional help, dicuss this with your wife i am sure she will be supportive.

    Snap out of it.

    Khuda Hafiz

  7. I am sorry what happen to you in your childhood your amazing strong man, One thing i will say to you is see a counselor if you cant tell your wife or anyone at home maybe its best not to. Professional help will be best for you to overcome the difficulties you had it wasn't your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed or have any guilt towards the pain and do stop watching porn this only drags you back to bad sins. Instead read namaaz, read quran then you see this was the best path to heal your pain and you will past it inshallah.

  8. Don't let your chilhood define you my brother. Take charge of the situation and make the best out of your short days in this dunya. Remember that Allah will question us about every single thing and watching/doing haraam because you were sexually abused as a kid isn't an excuse.

    I was sexually abused myself as a girl, by many of my cousins and one of them was a girl. She made me do horrible things for her. I could have turned out to be like them or I could have carried on with life with that scar tagging along and effecting every single thing I do but I left it behind. I try my best to not let it effect my life in any way. Alhamdulillah. I think you should get closer to your wife and be bestfriends. You need not tell her about it but be close to her and cherish the days you have with each other. Do fun things together and remember that she is there to protect you from haraam acts. You feel the urge to see 'things', you can find them in your wife.

    May Allah guide you to the straight path and make you a firm believer. And may He forgive you for your sins.

  9. I am one them. First identify which area of u'r life affected by this situation and try to fix that. I know it is different from person to person. Be strong

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