Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage Advice – father won’t allow

Girl with hidden face, teenage girl

Salam,

i am a 21 year old living in Canada; I was born and raised here. I love my deen very much, alhamdulillah.

I am of middle eastern background, I am Palestinian. I met a man (23 years old) via mutual friends and we got to know one another and wish to pursue marriage; he is Palestinian-syrian.

He has had a rough adolescent life with his father.. they have never gotten along. His father is a difficult man who also has trouble getting along with the rest of the family but since he is the eldest and a male, he gets the worst part of his dads psychological abuse. It used to be physical abuse as well but since he has grown up, he does not allow his father to abuse him that way any more, he leaves the house or deescalates the situation when it arises. He really wants to get married and move on with his life but his dad (syrian) insists he marries a young syrian girl (like 15 years old..) which his son does not want to do.

They came to "check me out" in which was veeery difficult to get his dad to come do. It went relatively well.. our families would get along and his dad said "well see you soon" but never ended up returning. He said some nice things about me but he is soo back and forth and never keeps his word. His mom is amazing and likes me very much and i get along with his siblings very well. It is only the dad that is delaying the marriage. My parents have been patient and we are trying to remain patient but his dad just wont allow his son to get married -- he thinks anyone over the age of 20 is too old for his son to marry despite having a 20 year old daughter as well..

The son tells me it's not about me, his dad is just very stubborn and likes things his own way but we don't know what to do. I do want his dad to accept me, once he gets to know me Im positive he'll like me but we dont know how to handle the situation. We dont want to do anything haram and we feel really pressured. We have prayed salat al istikhra numerous times and ive made a ton of dua, I wont want to let go. I do care about him dearly. I know Allah knows best but i'm just not sure what to do!

My mom is telling me i need to stop talking to him because it's wrong to talk to a non-mahram and that maybe if i let go of him, they will end up coming to ask for me but im not sure if thats true since the dad really wants something else.
He kept telling his son "make sure youre sure", "wait to get to know her/them more" but it has been like 6 months! His son is sure but he keeps telling his son if you want her, go get engaged to her but keep me out of it.

 

His mom likes me very much but she is also afraid of her husband so she cannot persuade him... and his father sometimes agrees just to get his son to return home but when it comes down to recontacting my parents, his father doesnt. He just agrees to get his son to do whatever he wants. We can't trust his word, unfortunately.

 

Also: regarding salat al istikhara, we prayed it and he and i have a smooth relationship... if we ever fight, it gets resolved rather quickly and we end up coming out of it even stronger and love one another even more.. the only issue if that of his father. Is this Allah's way of saying we shouldnt get married?? Because wouldn't Allah SWT change his fathers heart and soften it towards me if we were meant? Wouldnt this process be smoother? (the ONLY problem is his dad)

anonsaleha


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4 Responses »

  1. Salam,

    If his dad said that he should get engaged to you then why don't you two get engaged?

  2. He's a guy. He doesn't need his father's permission to marry you. He needs to show his father that he's seriously want to marry you and he wants to be engaged to you now. Better to tell your intended that he'd better do it as soon as possible or it's better that you guys split up and find someone else. It's not good being hanged like this, not for you and not for him. Shaythaan will keep on whispering on your ears. Either decide to marry as soon as possible or not at all and move on.

    • but little different If a boy likes a girl who was a christian ...now likes and follows Islam ...even though being a boy some things like respecting father and threats from father like I will do this that ,will break family leave family
      Is this why I raised you all these things stops the boy from marring the girl on his own what's your advice on this

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