Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is marriage against parents wish disobedience in Islam?

Controlling Father

Controlling Father

As-salam we 'alekum

I am now 22 and study since 4 years away from home living on my own. I met 1 year and a half ago a young Muslim who is 5 years older than me. In the very beginning of our meeting (2 weeks) I told my father that for the first time I felt I was feeling close to someone as I wanted my relationship to be approved as fast as possible and thus remain halal (he always told me that if someone was to propose, I had to warn him before). Of course I prayed istikhara before talking to him which comforted me and gave me courage to talk to my father.

He reacted very violently and told me I had to chose between my father and him which I just couldn't believe as I've always been obedient and he always told me I would marry the person of my choice. I thought it was all because of his stress about my studies he wanted me to succeed so remained silent. I kept seeing the person meanwhile and two months later I retalked to my father, after succeeding exams, he became very violent and bet me hard. The only reason my father gave me against him is his origin and that he had a bad feeling (without even meeting him). I don't have any family beyond my brothers and sisters and mother to talk to in order to convince my father.

This summer (one year after meeting the person) I retried talking to my father (I succeeded my diploma al hamdullilah) and again he became violent, blackmailing me and yelling. I tried to remain calm, and talk with love and understanding. He told me that even if this person was the best man on earth he would never agree so I had to meet anybody but him and he would agree even if it was an animal.

The problem is that since I met this person, I felt that finally somebody could understand and complete me, I became so much closer to my deen and feel that I would learn and love even more about it (even though muslim, my father doesn't pray and did not raise us in a religious way but he is a muslim, he read the Quran and knows it well mashallah). I feel blocked with my family, I can't wear hijab, we don't talk about religion, I want to know my deen better and please Allah and really feel that this person will help perform this. I finally dared talking during this summer to a well known imam who wanted to meet my father but my father refused. The imam explained to me that if my father was being unfair I could find someone else to be my wali and marry.

I need to know, I know that Allah swt gives so much importance to parents, respect and obedience but I feel so trapped. I feel like just because I always did what he wanted he wants to control me even more. I've been asking for something halal and he pushes me to haram living away on my own. He keeps telling that I will dishonor him, is that a dishonor?

My mother encouraged me to marry as she was seeing how unfair all this was. She said she wanted me to be happy and I had the right to chose, she trusted me, her education and my choice. She of course tried to convince my father but he doesn't listen to her. I was in a period of despair and was very frightened of my father so I confronted him and ran away from him, but all my family kept calling me saying my father was dying so I returned home with a broken heart while his was perfectly alright, feeling I kept being the nice one always there for an unsupportive family. I'm aware of all my parents did for me and thank them from the bottom of my heart but does that give them all these right over me?

I've been closer to my deen and don't know what rights I have here. My father uses my interest for islam and tells me about obedience to parents to force me obeying him. But if it's not in my interest? I don't want to end up in an unhappy marriage and I know that our religion give us rights, but is the obligation towards parents stronger than the right to chose a righteous husband?

Please help me, barek Allahu fikoum.

Az-zawaj


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27 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I am sorry to hear about your difficulties. May Allah show you the way out of these troubles soon inn shaa Allah.

    First off, I hope that you limit your interaction with this boy and do not talk to him in private as this would against our Islamic teachings.

    Secondly, I can see how challenging this situation is because from what you wrote, your father has not even met with this young man and refused to meet him or meet with the Imam with respect to your marriage.

    There is a Hadith which states:

    “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.“
    [Tirmidhi, Nasa'i & Ibn Majah]

    Of course, how can your father be satisfied with the proposal if he is not willing to consider a proposal. Is your father wanting to you marry someone else? Do you have other siblings/cousins that you could talk to? From what it sounds, your father doesn't like the idea that you have chosen/liked someone and there may be some cultural reasons for this. It isn't acceptable that your father beat you--so be careful about bringing this topic up again. You did the right thing to talk to an Imam--I don't want to put my opinion about whether you can marry without your father's approval, so I will suggest that you talk to the Imam again (or perhaps even another local Imam to confirm what the first Imam said to put your mind/heart at ease that what you are doing is right) and explain what you have written here. Perhaps a male relative who is your Mahram can step in to act as your Wali in the case that you get married.

    It will also be wise to make Isthikhara and make lots of du'a to Allah swt for guidance. May Allah ease your difficulties inn shaa Allah. Ameen.

    • Hello, thank you very much for your answer and support. We live in a western country and have no contact with our family, my father will regard me talking to a member of the family as a disgrace and betrayal. I tried to implicate my older brother and he met and loved the person. Unfortunately once he began talking to my father, my father convinced him to change his mind and never bring back the subject so I feel completely alone. I prayed the istikhara and will keep praying it in sha Allah

      My father always told me since young age that my day will come and even if it is to marry a european person he would not interfere, but he doesn't like the arabs from north africa and this is the reason we are in this situation.

      My father didn't planned anyone else for me for the time being, he considers 22 years as being too young to marry and want me to marry someone that he chooses himself. But I don't know if I will accept to even meet the person as he didn't accept to meet the only person I would want to marry. Don't missunderstand me I only seek a halal relationship and feel like my own family is making it difficult, pushing me to depression. I will keep praying, hoping and being patient in sha Allah, thank you again

  2. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    THERE IS NO NIAKH WITHOUT A WALI-TOMORROW THE SAME FELLOW WILL HARASS/TORTURE YOU HAVE A EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIR OUTSDIE YR MARRIAGE IN OFFICE BUSINESS AND TRAVEL YOU CANT DO ANYHTING- THAT TIME U WILL REMEMBER YR FATHER INSPITE OF LIVING A HARAM RELATIONSHIP DUE TO NOT MARRYING WITH CONSENT OF WALI-The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A woman should not arrange another woman’s marriage and a woman should not arrange her own marriage, for the zaaniyah (adulteress) is the one who arranges her own marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1782; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7298).
    SHE MARRIED WITHOUT A GUARDIAN [WALI]-My question is that, my friend did nikkah with her boyfriend for many years ago. just some friends knew about that nikkah. their parents were not invovled.

    Firstly: What appears to be the case from your question is that the one you are asking about got married without the permission or knowledge of her guardian. If that is the case, then the more correct scholarly view is that the marriage is not valid, because the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.”Narrated by Ahmad (24417), Abu Dawood (2083) and al-Tirmidhi (1102). Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami‘, no. 2709
    1 – It was narrated that Abu Moosa said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no (valid) marriage without a wali.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1101; Abu Dawood, 2085; Ibn Maajah, 1881. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1/318).
    A Nikah does not solemnise unless it takes place through the Wali, and, if someone does not have Wali[IS DEAD] the ruler of the Muslims is the Wali (Tirmidhi, Kitab-al-Nikah)
    No Nikah shall be allowed (or we shall not allow any Nikah) without the Wali’s consent. The reason for the decree? Family values. Marriage of a man and a woman is a marriage between two families. The consent and the good wishes of the families involved are highly important. Disparaging this reality would amount to undermining the foundation on which the edifice of an Islamic society rests.
    For that reason, the court may declare a Nikah without the Wali’s consent as void.5 But this consent is not a condition the absence of which makes the contract void ab initio.[What is annulled ab initio?That means the marriage is treated as though it had never taken place. It has no legal affect whatsoever.
    Because talaaq is connected to the marriage contract. He does not think that the marriage is valid, so he cannot issue a talaaq. This reasoning is good and there is nothing wrong with it.

    The illegality of the conduct or the revelation of the real facts makes the entire situation illegal ab initio (from the beginning), not just from the time the wrongful behavior occurs.
    The term 'void ab initio' means 'to be treated as invalid from the outset'. This refers to a document that is void, useless and worthless. This phrase comes from adding the Latin phrase ab initio (from the beginning) to 'void' which means 'of no legal effect' in law.
    Moreover, socially, the consent of the bridegroom’s Wali is as essential as is that of the bride’s.
    There are certain conditions for this contract which, if not fulfilled, make the contract void ab inito. And there are some other conditions which, if unfulfilled, make the contract voidable.
    Of the conditions belonging to the first category, two important, Islamic conditions are:
    i) Open declaration of the Nikah. Marriage must be announced publicly (through any reasonable means) so that there is no room for any surreptitious sexual relationships.
    ii) Intention to live together permanently as husband and wife. Pre-planned divorce would make the contract prostitution rather than Nikah.
    Reasons for having Wali’s consent in marriage are a stronger and healthier relationship between the families involved and greater security and privilege for the bride and the bridegroom-

    • Salam, thank you for your reply. My family isn't practicing, they call themselves muslim but don't even pray and we didn't grow up in religion, my father even forbids me to fast during ramadhan and refuses me to wear hijab. In fact it's my meeting with this brother that pushed me to love and know more about my religion alhamdullilah so please don't judge people by saying he would cheat or treat me badly.

      I know everything about family values and keeping contact and obeying, but islam isn't about the stronger having power or bear injustice neither, I just wanted to know how to react feeling lonely and powerless. We didn't plan to make anything secret and I talked to my father a few weeks after meeting this person in order to make everything halal.

      • Assalamualaykum Dear sister,

        I know its been a while since u have posted this .. i know close ppl in similar situation .. wanted to know what happened for you, did it work out the way you wanted and Allah opened fathers heart? Or did you do it in accordance with the imams consent? If it has worked out, could you please fill us in in what you did appart from dua?

        If it has worked in another way and you left this man or married someone else, can you pls explain how you made this big step and how you feel now? may Allah bless you and make it easy for you and us all ameen!

        wassalam

  3. Salam Sister,

    As was mentioned in the previous reply, I would urge you to stop any communication with this man. Not because of your father, but because of the fear of Allah SWT. You are crossing the boundaries by maintain a relationship with this man which will only bring you grief. So first step PLEASE stop talking to him. Speak to him once more and explain to him that you do not want to displease Allah and will only speak to him once you two are married in the eyes of Allah. Before continuing anything, repent sincerely and pray Salat al Istikhara knowing that Allah will guide to you to whatever is beneficial to you if you put your trust in Him.

    Secondly, try one last time speaking to your father with someone he respects. Explain to him that you are not being disobedient or want to cause him any harm but you simply want what every woman wants: to get married and start a family in a way that will please Allah. Bring up Hadiths that talk about racism and the Jahiliya of arrogance and pride of one's country/tribe. Be respectful, yet tell him you will not give up. This is YOUR right, Allah has given every woman the right to marry whom they wish, as long as the man's CHARACTER and DEEN is positive. If the reason of your father's denial is based on what you've said then guardianship will pass on to the next relative, which would be your uncle. Your father is denying your marriage simply due to cultural reasons which is wrong and will only divide the Ummah. The Prophet SAW warned the people in his last sermon about this horrible trait and we as Muslims need to erase this tribalism. ( I have gone through the same dilemma of marrying someone whom my parents don't approve of due to culture).

    If getting your father's approval doesn't work, you've prayed and put your trust in Allah, and you REALLY believe this man can help you come closer to the Deen and raise a family then go speak to an Imam if none of your uncles will support in being your Wali. Yes, a marriage without a Wali is invalid however the Wali's reasons are invalid and therefore guardianship is passed on to the next.

    Stand firm in what you want, as long as you do not overstep the boundaries of Islam. Keep praying, make Duaa and I promise you Inshallah will help you. Do not despair and know that in the end of the day we are in this world to please no one else but ALLAH.

    Salam sister and keep me updated.

    • Salam, thanks so much for your reply. Unfortunately, we always lived far from everybody of the family. The only uncle who can help me doesn't speak to my father anymore (my father doesn't speak to him) and I don't want to make them hate each other even more because of me.

      In sha Allah we will keep praying and be patient, I know that this is my right and my father is being unfair and is delaying me in something really important for my life and deen as I am sure I can learn so much more from him. I can't wear the hijab or even study islam in front of him as he says I am being an extremist and makes my life even harder.. I can unfortunately not reopen the subject with my father as he threatened me a lot last time and I don't dare.

      He realized he was being unfair in refusing meeting the person but his pride is too important and he won't change his mind after all that happened, unfortunately. I really rely 100% on Allah for the future, I think I did all I could for the time being and will keep hoping and praying, thanks again for your answer!

      • -->Aoa sister. i read your all situation. i am also facing this problem. The person i love, he sent the proposal to my home. i told everything to my mother. for a particular time she understood me and agreed my father to go to that person home. my parents went first to his house. They all welcome my parents and did very hattir however the family of the man haven't see me. my parents came back and they were happy that those people were very nice and we also investigate before going to their home. we got positive information about that family.
        -->But when my parents talked to my elders brother who financially supports my parents because my father dont do any work. My elder brother refused to do marriage because of my willingess. Even that my elder brothers have married in Uk with non-muslim girls. And my parents gave agreeness because they are the sons thats why.
        -->After that, my parents totally disagreed to do my marriage their. They seek some negative points from that man deliberately like he is not much rich, they have dark complexion, they are pendos. So why before you said we investigated about them and they are very good muslims, the whole family go for umrah and hajj every year.
        -->Just because of my elder brothers my parents refused them and my family got together and insulted me a lot. That why i chose him? why i didn't choose a very rich person to marry. i gave explaination that he is not rich but he is on our same level. he is a good muslim and so not earn haram kamai. my parents didnt agreed becz of my elder brothers. My elder brothers said to my parents that we will give you car house and so much money. but just marry my sister with my willingness. Now i am totally mentally sick. i love that man to whom i want to get married. i wanna do halal relationship. Islam is not a tough or hard religion. Islam is an easy religion. But my family do not even wanna try to understand. especially my mother dont wanna understand me. i prayed a lot to my ALLAH. i am feeling like i just wanna do suicide. But i know this is haram. Show me any instructions upon this...????

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    With regards your desire to marry the man you like, it would be important for any arrangements to be done in a halal way. This would mean no inappropriate contact with each other, repentance for any transgressions between you, and the consent of your wali. If your father is refusing based on un-Islamic reasons (for example, racial prejudice, belief in a caste system) then you are well within your rights to approach either another male mahram or your imam and request that they act as your wali. Your imam may also be willing to talk the matter through with your father, to see if it can be resolved.

    While marriage without the consent of your parents is far from ideal, Islam is a complete religion, so there is provision for circumstances such as this, so long as there are no Islamic reasons why this marriage would not be appropriate.

    In the early days of Islam, Muslims faced opposition and even persecution from their own families and former friends. The Prophet (peace be upon him) received Surah Al-Ankaboot at a time when Muslims were experiencing oppression and persecution, and it might be helpful for you to reflect on this surah - in it, Muslims are guided to treat their families with respect and kindness, but not to obey if their families insist on un-Islamic actions.

    I'm concerned about how your father has reacted - from what you've written he seems to have been physically abusive and aggressive, and this is wholly inappropriate from him. May Allah guide him to change his behaviour and repent for this. It's important to therefore consider your own personal safety, and not to put yourself at risk of further violence.

    May Allah watch over you and guide you to what is best in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Salam, thanks a lot for your answer. Once I told my father the imam said I could marry without his consent in this case, my father was very angry and wanted to go and have a talk to the imam, I was so happy as he would finally not have to use violence or shouting to convince and would be forced to listen to the reality of the situation. He then changed his mind and said the subject was closed to him and he wouldn't allow me to reopen it.

      Since the day I wrote on this website until now I decided to be patient, overpatient, I feel like my own family is delaying me in my life and happiness as I can't progress in my deen or family the way I would love to but I don't see any solution. No one can help me, my father don't have friends and we don't have contact with our abroad family, so I entirely rely on Allah to ease things in sha Allah...

      • Hi
        I would love to know how it worked out in the end sister ?
        Salam

      • SUBHANALLAH. I am I'm awe how IDENTICAL our stories. I want to the Islamic court for advice but the Imam happen to know my dad. The court wouldn't help me. My dad told EVERYONE to close the issue. I married thr man anyway and its been 9 years now. Sis we must speak trust me...I have learn so much over these nine years. And am pregnant with our fifth child.
        I feel there are things you should know...

        • I am going through the same exact situation now sister Fatima if you have an advice for me as well it will be highly appreciated
          Thank you

          • Salaam Sister! I am going through the same as well - I am almost 27. Wish we could exchange contact if you wanted to talk. I am astonished and sad that this is so prevalent in our communities and that so many of us are experiencing this when Allah has made it so simple, yet our cultures and parents have made it so difficult.

        • Hi can you email me

          ************

          I need advise

  5. Assalamualaykum Dear sister,

    I know its been a while since u have posted this .. i know close ppl in similar situation .. wanted to know what happened for you, did it work out the way you wanted and Allah opened fathers heart? Or did you do it in accordance with the imams consent? If it has worked out, could you please fill us in in what you did appart from dua?

    If it has worked in another way and you left this man or married someone else, can you pls explain how you made this big step and how you feel now? may Allah bless you and make it easy for you and us all ameen!

    wassalam

  6. Asalamu alaikum sis. SUBHANALLAH. I couldn't believe how identical our stories sound. I am not sure at what point you're right now but please please contract me. My dad neither prayed norever fasted. So so identical. And my family do not know anything about Islam. I hold a master's degree too. I was searching for this same type of story. I got married against my family's wishes. Its been 9years and am pregnant with a fifth child. It's been so a real test. Please please get in touch.

    • Salaam Sister! My situation is exactly the same right now and I am in a really difficult position. I am astonished to hear that you endured the same thing nine years ago and you are now happily married, subhan'Allah. I would love to talk to you if that is possible! I am trying everything in my power to do this in a way that will please Allah, to attain my parents' blessing, but its getting more difficult and more chaotic in my house and I don't know what to do anymore.

      Admin, I see you have a policy of not posting contact info here. Is it possible to forward my email address to this sister if she agrees, or vice versa? Jazak'Allah.

      • Salaam aleikum sisters, I am in a similar situation as well. My parents are divorced and live in two different countries. I was made a proposal by a man I want to marry with. My dad agrees, so does my brother. Oy my mother, with whom I live, doesn't want to hear it. First of all because this man is from a slightly different race and secondly, because my father agreed... she is now forcing me to marry a man I do not want. I have prayed for two years, every day, for my mother to accept the man I want to marry. What can I do ... I am at despair. Please, sisters, if you have any words of advice... I do not know what to do...

  7. Hello Salam,

    I am in a very difficult situation. I have known this guy for 11 years and we have been friends since, I told my parents about him 2 years ago and I am the youngest in my family. My parents met with his mother ( as his father lives in a diff state and they are separated) and they told them they do not object but they have my sisters who they need to get married first. My sisters are in their early 30's and still not married. I have begged my mom to understand my point of view as I am 25 and ready to get married. My mother ignored his mothers phone calls time after time, my mother just told me she objects to the proposal because his parents are separated and his mom is mean. ( i have been spending time with his mom and she is very open minded and kind)

    Its been so long now, and I am going to leave my house so I can get married on my own since my family is not supporting me they are abusing me for being happy and following my heart.
    Please help me on how I should handle this situation! This has been difficult and I have to tell my parents I am getting a nikkah in June.

    • ayehsa ,

      For your nikah to be valid you need one Wali (Guardian) from your side during Nikah .
      If you can't produce Wali then nikah will be invalid .

      Normally Father will be the guardian .
      Please read below link about transfer of wali/Guardian for some specific cases.

      The girl’s father disagrees with a marriage –what is the solution?

      https://islamqa.info/en/7193

  8. salam alaykum,

    any update on this situation? i came across this and I'm going through something similar....jzk

  9. Salam alaykom sisters

    Subhan Allah! I am facing the exact situation...
    If any of sisters have any advice please let me know...
    Life is really overwhelming!

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