Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage and depression; can’t take emotional devastation anymore




I met my husband in college 4 years ago, we took a few classes together talked over the internet, fell in love, kept it halal and got married 2 years ago.

I am going from being totally in love with my husband to not being able to stand him. He is a great guy, God fearing, sweet and kind. But he is not the person that I used to know. He doesn't feel like the man I fell in love with, the man that used to make me feel so special. He went from fully completing my assignments, voluntarily, to never taking out the trash after repeatedly me begging him to.

I know marriage has its ups and downs, and I am fine with that. But I am finding myself now spending nights on the couch crying my eyes out, night after night. I feel very depressed.

It is the little things, him not doing house chores, not remembering things I ask for. I want to go back to school to finish my Masters but since I had a baby it seems out of the question with him, even though my mother lives very close by and is willing to watch her. He did not even want to talk about it when I brought it up.

And I am the type of person who is very quiet and reserved. I never argue with him if he disagrees with me and I never get what I want, no matter what it is, whether it was picking out the house we live in or going out to dinner by ourselves in stead of going to his parents house.

I can not get my self to be honest or share with him any of my feelings because I am afraid to hurt him and I literally can not get myself to speak when he asks me what is wrong. I just spend nights and days crying and crying and getting more and more depressed about my life. I had wanted to accomplish so much in life, but I feel so put down so helpless and full of hopelessness. Again he is a great guy but I am so dry with him these days and cannot even stand to look him in the eye because I resent myself and him for the way I am feeling.

I make dua and pray and I feel better for a little but then it just spirals downward.

The worst part is today I thought about taking prescription pain killers to numb the feelings out, I didn't do it, but I feel horrible that I thought about it.

I cant get myself to communicate and although it seems like an easy and simple solution, it won't work for me because I would rather put his happiness and satisfaction before mine.
Please help me, I do not know what to do and I can not take this emotional devastation any longer.


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14 Responses »

  1. salaam sister,

    I think that is the problem you are not communicating with him.If you tell him how you feel he might change some ways. How does he know what you feel or what is important to you if you do not tell him. You can tell him in a normal not demanding way. You do not say anything and he thinks all is fine.

  2. Sister, I am a nice person- but I will not sugar coat this for you.

    You have 2 options:

    A: continue on being quite and reserved and expecting other people to read your thoughts and feelings. Continue crying on the inside and getting nowhere..


    B: Get some courage woman. In this world, you are in it for yourself. If you dont look out for you, then NO ONE WILL. And now that you have a child you need to be showing your baby that women are strong and can speak up and not be all powerless.

    I know its hard, but make a list of the things that are bothering you and make them a priority to talk about with your husband. Its much harder than it sounds, BUT you have to do it, you don't have a choice. You cant sit there and not communicate and expect your marriage to be better.

    One day send your child to your mother/or in laws - Make a nice dinner or go for a nice walk just the two of you and start talking about whats going on.

    Marriage is all about communication, if you dont tell your partner how you feel they will always walk all over you and make decisions on your behalf. Arguments are a part of a healthy marriage because it means you are discussing things/issues that are going on. You cant always be the nice agreeable woman, you should speak up when things matter to you and let go of the things that dont.

    I dont know what happened in your childhood to make you afraid of speaking out- but sister in marriage you need to be assertive. This is your life, take control of it in a healthy way before you get too depressed and start spiraling in the wrong way.

  3. Sister it may seem so hard but in my perspective you need to talk to him and tell him what's really wrong and bothering you. Please do give it a try

  4. please brothers and sisters i have been married for thirty years and i am in the same dilemma as this sister however my husband suffered a stroke and is pushing everybody away and expects me do the same i am being slowly isolated. he does not listen to any of my suggestions, if i say right he has to say left on very simple or complicated issues, i cannot leave him as he is disabled now and also suffers from depression

    please advice anybody

    • bushra, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will try to advise you Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  5. Read baqarah every 3 days.
    Make sure ur prayers and morning and evening adhkars are solid daily.

    Ask Allah then ask again.

    Then speak to him kindly. And if u butt heads then think of seeking out a trustworthy person to speak to but better if u are able to solve yur own problems as this will strengthen marriage.

    Talj about expectations n

  6. Sister I understand you needbtime outside take the initotive when u hink sme thing do mre doing...the prophet said the best of guys is whose best to his eife remjnd him.ifu n get somr else to himt it to him...sme time ppl take things fr grantdd. Telll him u should go out everytime at least one day to have some quality life too short be strong sister hes your garment speak beautifully to him..puut ideas in his head...n if u wanna study just leace ur baby with smeone mke ur hubby a pal...hes focussing so much on other thing he needs to give everything its right value.

  7. Or maybe in week u should leave baby with smeone n him n u go out.

  8. Talk more

  9. Sister,

    Until you open up with your husband and just get everything out that is bothering you, he will remain clueless as to why you are depressed and feeling the way that you are. Ask him why he doesn't want you to complete your masters degree and why any discussion regarding it is off the table? Maybe he is afraid that you can't handle school and keeping your home in order. You will never know until the both of you can discuss what the real issue is.

    A good friend of mine's husband just died of cancer leaving her with two young children. He too didn't want her to continue her education. So now...she is trying to care for these kids with the little money she has. If she had a better education, she could financially provide for these kids medical, dental, food and so forth. Now...she will struggle onward with a very limited amount of money to provide for them. It didn't need to be this way but it's how things turned out. Education can be a powerful tool in the world we live in and make a world of difference when things like this happen.

    Little things build and if you don't open up and talk about it, you are both going to resent each other.
    So to you I say, speak up! How on earth is he to know what is bothering you if you keep quiet? Imagine what he is feeling and what is going on in his head when he sees you this way. His brain is probably all over the place trying to figure you out. I bet you and he will be much happier if you get things out in the open and in the end, it will make for a stronger relationship for the both of you.


  10. Salam.
    I'm in an arranged marriage with 2 kids. I'm only with him for da kids n save my father from any hurt. We only communicate wen needed. Any spare tym he has he runs to his friends family. He does not like staying home. We av nothing in common. All I think about is wud I b able giv my kids a gud life on my own.

  11. I was only now able to read your responses, thank you to all of you. You have given me some courage and today is the day of Eid and we had a huge fight and i spent, literally about half the day crying my eyes out. He got mad why i didnt find his mom at the mosque and say eid mubarak to her and that i made him leave early because my dad wanted to come over and see me before he had to rush back to work. We then went to chuck e cheese spent a few hours with his family. I had plans to meet with my friends so the kids could play and exchange gifts, but all i was able to do is drop off the gift and then rush back to have dinner with his family. then i get guilt tripped for wanting him to cancel on his family the day of eid, which i never asked him to do, because i would never do that. its always what he wants and when i try to open up and tell him how i feel, this is what happens. he gets mad i get mad we say whatever we have to say, but nothing changes, nothing gets resolved, i feel like its pointless. today was the first time i really wanted to leave and packed a bag for me and my daughter, but he wouldnt give me the keys to leave. and now hes asleep, and im on some website trying to find comfort. may Allah give me patience.

  12. Salaam,

    As your brother, I strongly suggest to you that you stay with your relationship and do not think about ending it. Do not think about taking any actions that you might regret for the rest of your life. My mom always told me that relationships are very delicate bonding. Nothing happens by itself in any relationship. It takes a lot of patience, and good effort from both husband and wife to live together and to understand each other. , that's how life moves on. My father (a wise man) told me that the most important lesson from Ramadan is to learn to have patience. Even when we ask in our prayers to Allah (swat) for anything, our prayers are heard by Allah talla and we need to wait and be patience until Allah's will.

    I pray that Allah (swat) make yours, mine and everyone's marriage stronger and successful by putting love, care and trust in our hearts for our loved ones, and giving us a lot of patience before making any decisions. May Allah (swat) make us learn to forgive each other and help us move on in our lifes, Ameen sumameen.


  13. do what u have to do.. if it's not working out, and u are falling sick more so often.. my advice is to part ways.. that's what a man would do why should u handle it any differently.. sometimes holding on is more harmful than letting go, so let go.. there is never a need to put urself in pain when there is always a way out.. so take the hint.. marriage is not marriage if u have to compromise and if u r unhappy.. talk to him, explain to him how u feel, see if he understands.. maybe he doesn't love u either and wants out too.. talk to him...... and then walk out. Allah is very kind, he will not put u in pain which u cannot bare.. if it's getting unbearable for u, walk away.. if u live in Pakistan or india, i can understand... these countries r impossible to live in, and a divorced girl is seen as "disgust".. it's just how they've made it here, so that women always feel trapped and low grade citizens. it just works out like this for the men in these countries.... exactly why women here never have a way out, not saying doesn't happen else where, but here it is more common. because here women are never given a choice to live freely and happily... arab women marry and get divorced and then remarry...

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