Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage and divorce

Disappearing love, vanishing love

Hi i am married since the past 7 years
I have 3 kids
Basicaly i am really confused, i am not happy in my marriage and its affecting me mentally.
I get very angry and alot of the time i take it out by shouting at the kids.
I dont like going out because i dont want my family to know or pick up on how im feeling.
I find it embarasing to say why im unhappy and why i have started to feel like that "i dont love him anymore"

Its embarasing because its small stuff. But sometime its the small stuff that matters most.
We can never talk without arguing with each other.
He just doesnt make me happy. Ive allways lived in the hope that i can change him and teach him to become romantic and a softly spoken gentlemen.
I still love him because hes the father of my kids but hes not family minded.
He would rather sit at home and do nothing or go out with a mate or what ever.
Hes never asked us to go out anywhere
Hes never asked the kids to go out with him
Hes never offered to help cooking
Hes never bought me anythig apart from the times wher i was upset for him for not getting me a gift or constantly begging/reminding for a gift.
How can i feel loved?
Jusy because he works and provide me with money to pay bills and bring up he kids?
Just because we have sex?
Just because i have his kids?/he is my kids dad?
Am i not allowed to have the little luxuries?
It realy upsets me that as a little girl i had so many dreams that he will be this or he will be that. He will say this or he will say that.

But in the end i got a man who is aggresive and very immature.
Just small stuff he does and doesnt do. I cant live like being this unhappy anymore.
I just want to feel like that i mean the world to him. Because i used to feel that about him. I would choose him and over anyone thats how much i loved him. I would show all the gestures. Book a night out. Cook his fave food. Call him at work because i miss him. Tell him i love him in a text. Buy him gifts, clothes,shoes. Send him money even though money used to be tight. Reject going out with family and friends so i could spend time with him

He shouts at the kids very angrily, and i hate that the fact he sees them only for an hour a day when hes back from work and even then he shouts at them. If i shout at them its different vecause im with them 24 hours a day and it can get tough with kids all day every day. Forget shouting, if he doesnt shout he doesnt even show much love towards them, i feel that he just sees them as his responsabilty and deals with them as "just my responsibility"

What woman doesn love to see her kids and husband playing together, planing to go to the park together, shoping together, eating together. Hes never ever asked the kids to go food shopping let alone anywher else like a park or holiday etc. (He only does food shopping if i nag him to) He's never ever bought even a pair of clothes for the kids. Never ever thought anything like "oh let buy some ice cream for the kids, they will love it" just nothing at all? Why? Just why is he so dull?

Small stuff like if i ask him where is the car key he will say "how do i know, u had it last why do u ask me" in a horrible tone
Why cant he just like a gentleman say "oh i dont know, have a look Around it must be here somewhere" in a soft tone.

Last night i asked him how much money hes got he said to me "why do u need to know, its my money" where as i would never speak like that i would have a look and tell him! Now because how he spoke to me i am not talking to him and he doesnt care that im not talking to him, and he left for work without a word to me.
Its these kind of thing just the way he talks ive fallen to hate the way he talk and behaves.
Its turning me into a horrible person because now i also feel to talk to him the same way.

Before i would cry or stop talking to him and let him know im upset but now i just dont care because i dont think he will change into a"nice" man. A man that i can be proud to call my husband.

I cant even ask him to watch the kids for one night to give me a break because he will argue and say "oh i cant watch them, oh baby is too small i cant watch him" i cant help but get angry and say "u was ok to have kids with me but cant watch them" let alone a how a nice caring husband would offer his wife to go to her mums/sister etc and say he will watch the kids for one night.

These are just some examples of daily things to help people understand how im feeling and what i mean
Just a caring or loving gesture. He never in aynway shows me alhe loves me or makes me feel loves and im tired of feeling this way

Im scared to ask for a divorce becauee people will think my reason is stupid?
I have been trying to be happy for years and sometimes i convince myself i am happy but i really am not happy with him.
Please advise me someone...


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7 Responses »

  1. Dear you don't wory about.if you feeling happy to be alone or with's not stupid to be seprated from husband if he does not respect of family values he cannot be your beloved.Therefore a women who sacrify his blood relatives and represent all in a plate before her husband and no respect her, its injustice and voilation of human rights. A mature husband always care his family, to have some outing for food, visiting park, lookafter the kid for a seat of one-day soft tune with wife not horible day.a woment is not for sex only like a machine but treat her in love and soft maners.caring her good,health and respectable roof. If any husband cannot keep her beloved life partner his is not human he only to able treat him like janwar.
    So madam pls don't waste your time and get free from your worries to keep happy your renaming life and don't upset your mental order.Pls feel relax and be happy.take care your self and your kids too.

  2. Dear sister! First of all let me say that your reasons are genuine and valid. And I also assume that you did your best on your own to nake him feel more cateful about your rights.
    With that said, I would suggest that divorce is not a small thing. Everything has a procedure and method. First of all talk to him. Tell him that this attitude of his and making you hate him. Involve someone in between from relatives etc who you both trust. If possible, also tell him that you both should go for marriage counseling, otherwise you feel that the marriage is not going to work. Take wise decisions, and go step by step. In the end if you still feel that there is not change, then you can go for more strict decisions. But first go for marriage counseling. There are also very good marriage counselor online who you can contact.

  3. Get your family involved. He is being very rude. You shouldn't let him talk to you that way. It seems like he isn't going to change his ways, so talk to your or his family.

  4. Your concerns are justified but divorce should be your last resort. You will be surprised how much he loves you, it's just that some men are too terrible to express themselves. Also most times men act and behave the way it's seen while growing up. it's heartbreaking, but I read a while ago that most times women Before marriage love to dream about a perfect husband, perfect in-laws, a perfect house and what not? But when you get married you realise life is probably not as per your dreams. So try to embrace the beauty of the reality, whatever it has to offer. This is the primary rule of a perfect marriage. When you come to terms with reality and accept the fact that the house, your husband, your in-laws are way different from what you had imagined, that’s when you will have a perfect marriage.
    May Allah help your home, it's worth fighting for. Divorce is allowed but wait till you are on the other side, then you will think, maybe I dint do enough. There is no perfect woman or man, perfection is from Allah and in jannah.
    This life is a constant challenge, do not panic and take hasty steps that you might regret later. Also, do not talk to other people about your problems as this can easily lead you to commit the sin of backbiting. Instead, turn to Allāh and beseech His help. Try to be as pleasant as you can to win your husband and your in-laws. With your perseverance inshaAllāh things will work out well for you.
    All the best.

  5. I know exactly what you mean. My husband is a pig. I absolutely hate him and wish he dies a painful dead insh'Allah. I really don't understand why people like him live. He is useless. He always promises think but never ever keeps his word EVER. I hate him. I wish I never met him. I curse myself for meeting him and wish I could turn the time back. He is physically and verbally /mentally abusive. He hit me many times. Now he stoped but not completely he occasionally does or throws things on me . He calls himself a Muslim hahaha I hope insh'Allah he will rot in he'll forever. He is the first person who knows what is halal or Haram but doesn't follow what he preaches himself lol he gets up really late and than goes to work and says he is so hard working. He stuffs his face with so much meat like a pig. He got a huge fat belly which he didn't have before and says he wants to get rid of it but doesn't actually do anything about it. The only food he eats is chicken curry, oh how much I hate chicken curry lol he thinks if there is no meat in your food than it's not food. I'm thinking to become a vegan because of him, he disgustes me. He smokes and still doesn't drop dead. I hate his smelly breath. He stinks. He never takes care of our son but always thinks he is a good dad. He doesn't play with him. Now he started to play with him because of me nagging and he noticed he only comes to me so .I hate him so much words can't express how much. I'm stuck here in the UK . He still didn't pay my mahar,he says he will but still nothing. I do think he will but he wants to save for a house first. I didn't have any wedding party too. I gave him some money for his business but he still didn't give it back since he is saving for a house. That's not fair. He is dirty and doesn't help around the house. I want to work but I am stuck with my baby and no adult here to talk to. I have no money to go back. I'm literally stuck here.I know it's not good to wish someone dead and trust me I am not a evil person but I have no other option. I'm stuck and I wish him death because only the I can be free from this devil. Is it a sin to wish him death? Or make dua for him to die?

    • Wow. Not exactly a marriage made in heaven, it seems. Sister, instead of hating him and wishing he would die, just begin taking steps to divorce him. Find a way to get a job and get a babysitter for your child; save your money, and divorce him.

      Wael Editor

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