Marriage and other sexual matters, thoughts and problems in adolescence
Assalamu alaikum,
I am a 15 yr old heterosexual muslim boy living in the UK. I have been watching porn and masturbating from when I was 12. I've stopped with the porn for about 3 months now, and have given it up, and hopefully forever alhamdulillah. but i still masturbate and i find it hard to give this up, but i think i am slowly getting there.
recently though, i have shifted from the filthy ideas and images porn gave me (after i gave up porn, it literally feels like the images my brain comes up with has got a lot cleaner), to thinking more about marriage. i have these weird thoughts, other people may have them, but i can't get them out of my head. i keep thinking about my future marriage (probably unlikely though, coz i am fat and ugly lol but Allah has predestined everything I guess), and how i'll treat my wife and you know, things like sex come up in my mind. these thoughts are distracting, how do i stop them? it gets in the way of my studies, although currently i am doing well in school, but still, i am worried the distraction might impact my academic performance...for example, instead of being on this site thinking about this, i could be studying, but the distraction is soooo strong i came on this site and am writing this post!!!
but talking about this, i have a few questions/problems i want to get out.
basically, if i get married, how would i approach my wife for the consummation in bed? like, i have strong desires, so i feel like i want to consummate on first night, but the rational, hopefully muslim, part of my head tells me to be respectful and decent and wait for some time before i know her better...my question is, i want to be decent and respectful with my wife, how do i understand what is and what is not decent and be a good person to her in bed and in other elements of life? i know i am too young to think about this, but these worries still come up????
i don't want to seem like a perverse person in bed, asking too much.
in an islamic marriage, although only two things are prohibited (anal sex and sex while menstruating), when it comes to decency, what is the best course of action? like, is it permissible to be completely naked in front of each other, without any covering, or is this makrooh - permissible but indecent?
what is the best, or a good, husband like? how do i be one?
one of the things i am most worried about is what a wife might think of my PAST porn use? i have given it up, and hopefully it will be like this forever insha allah, but i feel ashamed of it and feel i have no right to marry a woman because of it. please advise me on this, in the light of islam.
also, i am clever enough to know that my sexual desires are on of my biggest weaknesses; how do i respond to them appropriately in the light of islam? please don't say ''read the quran'' coz i can't read the quran 24/7....
so, there you have it, a lot of weird things coursing through my mind, and my problem with masturbation...i know i sound like i don't care, but i really want to control my desires, while having the questions i asked about marriage answered in the light of islam. i haven't asked every question i wanted to, coz it will make this post confusing, but i hope i can get a satisfactory response from this zawaj website. please help, jazak allahu khayran
(note to editor: please try not to edit this question as much as possible, but I understand if certain elements go against your policy. Thank you for your consideration)
ahmedadrian
6 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Asalam alaikum brother,
I applaud your tenacity to stop porn.
I couldnt help but laugh a little reading this, I am sorry! It seems like these are such serious worries in your mind at such a young age. Of course it is normal to think about it, so I will tell you. A married couple are halal to one another. Non married opposite sex people are haram to eachother. When the time comes that either you or your parents find a suitable lady for you, inshAllah you will fall head over heels in love with this person. It is a unique and special feeling to know you have just this one person for you, and you are made for them. Body image is not a key factor in the mental satisfaction of a relationship. Strange moments waiting to see who will initiate the night first are to be expected, but that is just one way how the two of you will learn and grow together. Islamically, you do not need to disclose your past porn usage to her or anyone, and it is highly unrecommended. In general, be sweet, be kind, be gentle and understanding of her in all aspects of your relationship. Do not expect time in bed to be like porn movies, which are fake productions. It is the small everyday touches like helping with the dishes that really count, even more than sex.
So relax, leave it to Allah swt to take care of all the spots in between the lines, and always think how your wife will feel before you speak or act.
Wishing you all the success that Allah has in store for you,
Shereen
Put away your worry of whether you'll be a good husband or not, this is the last thing you need to think of in your age. You are drowned with the thought of women and sexual fantasy. (The images are still in the back of your head. It takes some time to purify your thoughts.) It is a good start that you are aware of the bad influence of porn and stop yourself to approach it. Inshallah, cut off all these porn material from physical reach. Leave your computer in the dinning room or use it with your parents' or people's present.
You are in your puberty and your testosterone levels soar in this period. The increase in hormones transforms into stronger sexual desire. This does not mean you should indulge in it but I just want to point out it is normal. One thing, Alhumduallah, I think fasting is very helpful. Our Prophet (PBUH) fasted 2 days (Mon & Thur) a week, it is a way to draw your focus on Allah rather than your body. In fact, fasting really helps to weaken the body - our desire - scientifically. Some scholars suggested to fast during the full moon's days. This is the time that people's desire have the strongest hand.
As for you, you may add to your routine by participating regular outdoor exercises, volunteer work etc. I think starting by walking (free) and then jogging is the easiest way to do. This is also a way to spend your excess energy. About your body image - overweight-, that can be solved if you try to be more active and take care of your eating habit NOW. Research some books on eating and exercising. Don't wait until you reach to obesity level. Keep yourself clean and tidy and presentable as a muslim is also very important.
Should you worry about getting marry now? No. Focus on your study and your deen. Iinshallah your marriage will be waiting for you in His time.
Assalamu 'alaikum, brother ahmedadrian.
First of all, I'd like to commend you for being able to get rid of your porn addiction, Mash'Allah. It's indeed a serious addiction and quite hard to rid oneself off it. So, keep it up and try not to go back to your addiction. Regarding masturbation, this is also a serious addiction among Muslims. Please remember that you're not the only one who suffers from this vice.
One reason why you may masturbate a lot is because you have a lot of free time. Therefore, try to fill your free time by engaging in other activities, such as sports. Moreover, do not indulge yourself into anything that will arouse your sexual urges. This includes looking at other women with lust. So, make sure to lower your gaze when you're out in public. Moreover, neither read stories and novels, nor watch movies and videos which have sexual content. And keep making Du'a to Allah to help you get rid of your addiction.
You say that you often have thoughts about your future marriage and wife. It's actually very natural to have such thoughts and Allah won't hold you accountable for what you think. But it's better not to engage in such thoughts as they may lead you to Haram actions. So try your best not to think about your marriage in future. Please don't worry too much about how 'fat' you are and how you look. Get married to a pious woman who will love and accept you as you are, and who will help you to be a strong practicing Muslim, Insha'Allah.
With regards to how you should be with your wife in bed, it's okay to have sexual intimacy with her on the first night of your marriage. But this might not be the case as she will likely be very shy. Respect her feelings and never force her into doing something that she would feel uncomfortable about.
I'll give a very helpful tip to have a fulfilling relationship with your wife. Your wife's primary need will be emotional care. Thus, try to meet her emotional needs. Be romantic with her outside the bedroom by, for example, hugging and kissing her. Insha'Allah, if you do this, then both of you will enjoy sex even more. This is what the Sunnah teaches us. When you have a good relationship with your wife outside the bedroom, you'll have a good relationship with her inside it.
As you're fifteen years old, you're quite young to be thinking about marriage. At present, just simply focus on your studies. I hope you find my advice useful.
I applaud you for coming on here and thinking about your future clearer. I dont think its funny but a serious matter that you need to refocus the purpose of your life. You dont need to tell or explain yourself to anyone you know your limits and want to be a better person for that I think this is a very big step you have taken. I also recommend you to fast and take part in charity events and praying to Allah and dua for yourself inshAllah things will get much better. Refocus on your studies and keep busy once this is done you wont need to worry about anything.
Wa'alaikumusalam! Warehmatullahe wabarakatuhu!
Dear the age you are currently in, is the learning age. The questions you are getting into your head are the natural outcome of your feelings. Now, the thing is that you require answers. What is the solution to all your questions popping inside your head? Isn't it.
Dear just relax. Focus on doing work. Just engage yourself in daily work like sport activities or studying. And get good sleep. If you watch such explicit material it will engage your mind completely and you will be trapped in it forever. Only Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Will keep you safe from those explicit material, and for that you need to connect with Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). How to connect with Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). Answer is remembrance. That is the only solution. And for remembrance you don't have to recite the Holy Qur'an 24 by 7. But you have to learn it by heart insha'Allaah. Now let me tell you the trickiest part. When you try to understand any one Surah/Chapter of the Holy Qur'an after sometime you will be totally in Peace. Yes in peace you will never get exhausted. You will be exhausted only if you do it on extreme level but not by heart. Recite only one Chapter a day but by heart with translation. That's it. You will find all your answers insha'Allaah!
Relax! and pray to Him (subhanahu wa ta'ala)
Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Knows the Best!
these thoughts come up in my mind too and im a 17 yeat old girl