Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage but only partial family approval

Secret marriage

Assalamualaikum. When I married my husband, my family was there and my mother and siblings in law embraced me here in the United States. We married properly, but then my mother in law passed away. My husband and I became gaurdians for my teen aged brother and sister in law. Now we face a really big problem because my mother in law was the only one who would have told and convinced my husband's father. Although we've been married two years, his father and his side of the family in Egypt don't know about our marriage and even have started talk about having him married.

He's afraid to tell his father because he thinks his father is more traditional and won't accept me. He might also disown him or take away his inheritance. I am feeling very depressed because I feel our marriage has to be hidden. And he doesn't want to tell his father untill after two years from now because he thinks somehow his father will be more accepting if he sees I helped him get his citizenship...We just found out he won't be able to apply for his green card untill 2 years from now. If he waits that long, his father could still say no and he says that if his father doesn't approve he will divorce me at his father's words.

Although everyone here in the states knows we are married and properly so within the masjid with family from both sides. And yet it makes me feel like it's still some kind of secret and I feel very insecure about our stability. We can't have a family while his father is unaware...I really question if I should just let him divorce me now and not even risk it with his father. I don't want him to suffer with his father after having already lost his mother. I'm thinking I should just let him go and finish the rest of my life alone. His father wants him to marry an egyptian girl and not any other type of muslim...I know his father will arrange someone for him. My arabic isn't that great..we have cultural differences and especially different views on equality between husband's and their wives. I work and help pay the bills and also clean and cook and do all the wife duties...but he doesn't want me to have friends or see my family and yet he goes out nearly every night with his friends untill very late to bars and clubs. Then when he returns and before he goes he catches up with his siblings. Very little of his time is left over to share with me.He has anger issues as well, but when we are in a good place with eachother, hes very funny and loving and considerate. I love him and I want what's best for him...I know if I let him complete the final divorce, I will be miserable missing him and completely alone. I lost all my friends and most of my family because of their cultural differences.They are Catholic.I was born Catholic, but embraced Islam after my cousin shared with me the Quran. She was muslim before be and I wanted to learn more and alhamdullilah I embraced it.My parents accepted but are not happy And have moved out of the state. I feel like we have no future but I'm so attached and terribly frightened of being alone. I've forgotten how to be comfortable with complete Solitude. I know he will be fine without me emotionally and could find another girl easily, he cheated on me once already but in the beginning before he was ready for the transition of married life. His mom wanted to see him married... But I'm really suffering at the thought of all this. He doesn't seem to care whether or not we stay together, he goes back and forth. He says he's being logical. That he loves me but we can't support eachother, but i know once im gone hed suffer financially and so would my sinlings in law. He's saying married life isn't for him and he has too much responsibility. But I work every day and on my two days off, I'm doing school, cleaning and cooking and whatever else he needs like ironing his clothes and doing his Schedual for work...I feel like I will suffer either way but for different reasons. And I feel paralyzed letting days go by with such uncertainty. I don't know what to do. I've prayed but for some reason the signs aren't clear because I'm too overwhelmed by emotions.

JazaAllah Khair,
Veronica


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3 Responses »

  1. Bismillah
    Sister do istikhara!
    May Allah ease your pain and suffering and guide you in your difficult situation.

  2. Go out and make friends, don't be alone. Attend lessons in the masjid, joins MSA in your school, visit other sisters, have other relationships, not just with your husband. He's isolating you from your community and friends in order to control you and make you feel alone and needing him, while he's going out and make friends and hang out with his siblings. That's one sign of controlling behaviour. Also don't accept his anger problems as normal. He should learn how to communicate instead of getting angry.

    Share the housework loads with him as our prophet Muhammad SAW also helped around the house, even fixed his own clothes.

    Besides, he's a guy, he doesn't need permission from his father to get married. He needs to be man up and tell his family as soon as possible. If he can marry you, he should be man enough to risk that his father will be unhappy (for a while).

    You should be wary because he said that you can't have a family until he get his green card. I don't want to think badly, but he might using you for citizenship but have a plan to marry again in Egypt to "make his father happy".

    First thing to do, don't be isolated, and build a community of your own. Don't depend on him 100% for companionship. It's not healthy.

  3. You're a convert muslim just like prophet mohammed family & companions
    While he is a man who go to clubs & had Adultery even though who was raised a Muslim (he has no excuse)
    You deserve a better man
    & he should be proud that you agreed to marry him & tell his father that
    I fear he is using you for (your money &citizenship)
    You should divorce him and marry a better muslim someone who will support you & not the other way around
    Remember if he didn't respect his God when he went to have adultery he won't respect thismarriage when he walk out of it after he gets what he wants

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