Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My marriage crumbles after talking about my past

hi I realy have a big problem, me and my husband are fighting a lot .

My husband demands me to tell him everything about my history before him so I did but he cannot handle it, he keeps telling me I´m nothing I´m useless I´m everything that is bad and he also can´t even kiss me . We are together for 12 years now . Biggest problem of all my mother in law keep telling me I must divorce him she doesn´t know what is going on in my house cause I don´t speak out of my house with her.

We were visiting my mother and sister in law and I left early because  I have to work  and he didn´t want to leave with me  , so phoned him and told him you must be carefull driving back home he had a lot of drinks so I phoned every 20 minutes to hear if he left there yet and so his sister answer and told me he is not available now but I spoke 2 minutes before to him and then I got so mad I threw the telephone in her ear after 5 minutes his mother phoned me and told me he is not well he will stay here till he is better .

He is also hitting me sometimes not a lot and told me he is going to leave the home and stay with his siter because I can´t give good enough sex to him . He is only nice with me when he wants sex,  apart from that he doesn´t even speak to me  and when we have sex he doesn´t even touch me.

I really love my husband but I need help, my marriage it is falling apart. He told me he want to sleep with 3 women together and so much more ugly things what does all this mean I´m confused - does he love me does even care about me what am I for him. I want to know what you think,  I´m not a men  I can´t tell what really go's on in his mind.

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6 Responses »

  1. ASA sister,
    First of all im sorry to hear that you are going through such horrible times!
    This man does not deserve to be called a "man". You must not feel like an object! because you are not, and the fact that he looks for you and talks nice to you ONLY when he wants sex is totally wrong! You are not his wife just for sex/ to please his needs!!
    I dont understand what you mean by him going to his sisters house because you dont give him "good sex"... does this mean someone in his sisters house does give him good sex?
    I hate to say it but: "He is crazy!!!" Why in the world would he say/think of havig sex with more than one women??? He is sick and he is just abusing you!! Obviousley he is NOT a good muslim!
    And please dont try to justify him by saying " He is also hitting me sometimes NOT A LOT"...sister read this statement over and over!! The point is he is abusing you. Whether it was one time or a million times, he does not have the right to do that! Talk to your family, his family, and him! Run as far away from this "person" and dont look back. Get a divorce, because what you are living is not a life, its hell! Having to receive humiliations all the time is not good for anyone!
    He does not love you and i cant understand how you can say you love him! I think you are scared to live alone and move on and thats the reason why you are still with him.
    Sister Im sorry if my words are too strong...But please dont let this situation take more years of your life

    Your sister

  2. Assalam aleikum dear sisiter,
    reading your post, i am really upset that a muslim woman should have to live with such a man who calls himself a muslim. honestly, some of the muslim men are nothing like the example they are supposed to follow of the Prophet(peace and blessings be upon him). sister you do not deserve to be treated like this. i believe you have left the past behind and repented for your sins, so if Allaah can forgive, why cant he. what i dont understand is that you have been together for 12 years, yet he finds out about your past now, and he starts judging you for it, something you did 12 years ago!!!!!!. is he going to forget all the good you have done for him for the past 12 years.!! honestly sister this shows he is not right for you. it looks like he is just using this as an excuse to get away from you. sisiter he obviously does not respect you, how can he tell you that he wants to sleep with 3 women and that you dont give him good sex, honestly if you read the seerah of the prophet(peace be upon him). no woman who believes in Allaah and the last day should be treated like this.
    sister, i think he is using you, you nedd to stand up and tell him that you have rights, be heard and dont let him walk over you. tell him to read the seerah of the Prophet(peace be upon him). sisiter for your own self respect, do not let him carry on treating you like this. i hope you can get some more detailed advise from the others. also, love only comes with respect, he cannot love you, yet disrespect you and degrade you in the way he does, when he does that, he no longer loves you, just uses you. sorry if i sound harsh sister.

  3. Assalamu alaykum,

    I feel sad reading this post. May Allah give you Sabr and improve your state.

    Turn to Him repentant, thank Him, Praise Him and ask for Help.

    Try to involve people from both sides, if he really wants to work out this marriage.

    35. And if ye fear a breech between them twain (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. - Surah Nisaa.

    If your efforts to make peace fail, Insha Allah seek divorce, live a healthy Islamic life and Insha Allah, Allah will provide for you a better person and He has abundance of good men and good women for the good Muslims.

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.131. Unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth And We charged those who received the Scripture before you, and (We charge) you, that ye keep your duty toward Allah. And if ye disbelieve, lo! unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth, and Allah is ever Absolute, Owner of Praise.
    132. Unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth. And Allah is sufficient as Defender. - Surah Nisaa.

    If your husband disbelieves in these verses, does not act according to them, then Allah is enough as your Defender, Insha Allah.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

    I pray for you and you also O Sister, call upon Allah much and pray at nights and make your iimaan strong and make your mental state and ability to think stronger, it is needed of you now and Insha Allah in future and keep Sabr. It is best and also read lot of Qur'an, please read it with meanings, a lot.

    17. O my dear son! Establish worship and enjoin kindness and forbid iniquity, and persevere whatever may befall thee. Lo! that is of the steadfast heart of things. - Surah Luqmaan.

    These verses of Surah Luqmaan always make my eyes wet with tears like right now while I read them here, Alhamdulillaah, Praise be to Allah and they give such a powerful teaching for a person's whole life, just these few words in one verse, such impactful Words of Allah Ta'alaa. Subhaan Allah walhamdulillaah.

    I hope the advice helps you sister.

    Your brother,

  4. @ all readers.

    Do not reveal your past. For whosoever is stuck on knowing your past, will be stuck in trusting you and loving you after marriage.

    And no relation is enjoyable on suspicion, without trust, not even between parents and child, nor between brothers and sisters, nor friends nor husband and wife. So keep quite about the past.

    Say my past is my past and it is between me and Allah. My present is in front of you, this is me, if you want to be my husband/wife you are "welcome" , if not " don't come" - bye bye.

    Take this advice seriously all readers. People ask, but do not have ability to forget and move on, it sticks in their minds, even in minds of people who seem to be good.

    So abstain from revealing past and turn to Allah in repentance for all sins and wasted efforts of the past.

    Your brother,

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