Seeking marriage for my masturbation addiction
AsSalamu Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabaraktuh,
I am an 18 year old muslim boy, living the UK, and now I really feel that I am ready to get married. My sexual feelings are getting very strong and I don't want to keep sinning by just masturbating because I actually have a serious addiction to this, even though I pray and fast all the time. But my parents think I should study and get a degree before I get married. And not only that, every time I ask for a sister's hand in marriage, they always prefer us two having our own place. I currently live with my parents and I also have no job, so it's going to take a long time until I get settled down.
There is this girl whom I love, she even told me she loves me, but her mother disagrees with us being together. So I have learnt to move on even though I do love her, and that has made me feel heartbroken because of the fact our marriage isn't happening because of her mother. Her mother wants to be a part of finding a spouse for her, so she left me.
Please tell me what I should do, because I keep on getting the same advice all the time from the local imam. I do pray 5 times a day, I also pray my sunnah prayers too- I pray as much as possible. I even fast Mondays and Thursdays. Even during the month of Ramadan my sex drive is getting high, and I can't help but to masturbate after Maghrib. Everytime I do masturbate I feel so guilty about doing it, and I don't want to feel this way. I keep asking Allah for forgiveness, but how many times do I have to repeat the same sin until I give up? I want to do things the halal way, but my desires overcome me all the time. But at the same time I want to get married, but also feel shy about it because of my self-esteem and low confidence about my looks since I do have skin conditions which is always a barrier to marriage. I have always been told to pray istikhara, but I am not too sure how that works, and it would great if you could instruct me on how to pray istikhara for marriage.
What can I do, and how can I tell them, I want to have my life with my partner, not only for sex but also to live my life as a Muslim man and fulfilling my duties. I kept this in for far too long, and I feel like I need proper advice. My parents don't know the serious addiction I have, only my mother knows I want to get married- that is it.
Please do help me, BarakALLAH Feek.
-BrotherAkh1996
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Dear bro u r very good boy really i like u..dont stop asking forgiveness from Allah after sinning..shaythan will whisper into heart that Allah will no more forgive..dont listen to shaiythan..in our stae (kerala-India) we muslims conduct nikah first with a small party in majid and allow girl to stay in her own home, then after boy settle we conduct grand party and taking girl to boy home..u can also conduct a formal nikah process in any masjid after find a good girl, then after getting job conduct other formalities like parties and all then take her in to ur home..dont look at ur skin problem it is the act of shaythan..so be happy and confident..may Allah help u..ameen..best wishes
well matured response, I am pleased to see such a wise response, here at this site....
Sayeed
Assalaamualaikum.
Brother, the problem you are facing is very common. However, the guilt you are getting out of it is not common.
It is a sign of a believer, that after he sins, he feels remorse for it. So alhamdulillah for that.
Speaking of your addiction, I will outlay a few points that I think can help you.
1) Disconnect yourself from every source that triggers the sexual feelings in you. It could be a certain website, a tv show, or anything of the sort. Also, block access to anyone of these things you turn to, when you want to commit the sin.
2) Take up an activity around the time when you do the act. For eg. Join a gym. If you can't do that, and you feel aroused, just distract yourself and go out for a walk. Arousal relates to release of certain chemicals in your body. When you distract yourself like go for a jog or a walk and raise your heartbeat, the body washes out these chemicals and your arousal will go away.
3) When you feel totally uncontrollable, remember the above, the state of arousal will not be there until you ejaculate. It is temporary and it goes away. Do not give in. Follow #2.
4) Lastly, keep on praying to Allah (swt). Just sit and flood your mind with His love. In sha Allah, hayaah will take over and shaitaan will have no control on you.
The remedy to this problem is an all-course return to Allah and working towards handing our nafs to Him. I heard Maulana Saleem Dhorat's (he is from U.K. too) lecture once on the subject, but cannot remember the name for the life of me, to link you to it; he remarked that the strength of sins grows the more frequently you do it and you become more enslaved to it. And upon each instance that you resist it, you break one leg of it, and the weaker it becomes the next time it comes to take you over.
I will explain this better with an example. we have two youths of the same age, doing the same amount of ibadah. Both are fasting, both are offering salah and tahajjud and both of them are taken over by their desires to commit the sin. They start getting distracted in their ibadah and the feelings persist so one of the two decides to let it go so he feels relieved and will do tawbah.
Now, the other one does not, and continues to struggle and cannot concentrate on his worship, yet does not commit the sin. The sheykh said, verily, the second one is more beloved to Allah and His rank will be loftier and his imaan will become stronger. Because, he resisted a sin, and the resistance is what caused his ibadah to suffer.
So, I hope you understand the point. Make a firm resolution and do not give in. I can advise you further to listen to specific discourses from the Shuyookh that teach us to train our Nafs by being mindful of the dhaat-e-aali of Allah (swt). If you understand Urdu, check out the Youtube channel: Islahi Bayanaat. It has loads of lectures of the late Maulana Hakeem Akhtar sahab (db). I have personally benefited immensely from him. If however, you do not understand Urdu, please check for Sheikh Tawqeer Chowdhary. He usually lectures in English.
Lastly about the marriage aspect. My dear, the command of Allah to marry is when we have the means, and until then we are commanded to remain chaste. Do not rush into anything. Your parents have given you a sound advice of finishing your degree, getting a job/means of livelihood and then marrying. Because, if you marry in this state, you will feel a load of remorse just after you finished sex (no pun intended :P). There are a lot of responsibilities that come with marriage.
Consider this time to be a golden period where you can do everything you want for yourself. Like, drawing yourself closer to Allah, which may not happen as well when you are married as your time would be distracted. Even, master a sport or anything of the sort.
I am just trying to give you as real and practical advice as I can, because I have been through your age and i'm myself still unmarried too.
Everything has a time and it shall come to pass when Allah decrees it. Until then, the command is to guard your chastity and consider this a test.
May Allah make it easy for all of us. Aameen.
Also, I forgot to add, do not give up hope. There's no end to hope in the court of Allah rabbul izzat. Of the many ways Shaitaan will misguide you is create despair to the extent where you just feel like there is no point in doing repentance.. and your tawbah is actually hollow. Watch out for such thoughts! Keep repenting. Keep getting back up.
The shuyookh say, your continuous repentance will eventually lead Allah out of His mercy to give you the tawfeeq to completely forsake the sin once and for all.
Hi ya first of all your parents are right you need to do something with your life first before rushing into marriage. Am 19 and am telling you my thoughts are far from marriage I go to Uni and had a summer job and I still live with my mum she still had to help me financially even though I had a job. Its hard to get a very good job these days if you're not educated so do continue with your education unless your parents are filthy rich and you know you have a share in their part lol.Secondly marriage is not about sex to be honest with you, and am totally against parents finding a partner for their children. People marry the person they love and want to be with not what the parents want them to marry because they are not going to be the ones in the marriage anyway like I said before marriage isn't about sex so if you think that you have an addiction to masturbation I advice that you seek professional help, because if you were to get married right now you wold not have sex all the time and you would still masturbate and at the moment I don't think you are going to be getting married any time soon, and if you do get help now it will be helpful for you, but don't get married just because you want to fulfil your sexual desires you will regret it later to be honest with you. Lastly don't really worry about the way you look the right person will love you for you, just like the last girl you were in love with love yourself and be confident about who you are no one else is like you in this world so you better express your uniqueness. Am black and I used to straighten my hair everyday so that I become more confident but I just realised that God made me this way and I will not change a bit about it now I move around with my big hair and I don't care and I actually get compliments not that it matters but work whatever you have got. I hope am still making sense. but for real now do built a future before getting married have a job, your own place. travel the world and all the fun stuff because once you get married you wont have much time for that especially if you have children and you cant have children unless you can support then so you're still gonna want a good job either way. hope this helps:) and good luck xoxox
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[Editor's note: This is not a matrimonial website.]
Assalamolaykum,
I believe you should avoid shunning someone like that.
Is it necessary for proposals to only take place on matrimonial site's?
What if the poster is serious?
The one cure for masterbation is anti depressants,in single and they work fine for me they'll make you feel we'll go see you're gp he may start you on a low dose but gradually come off slowly when time too get married they work you will get slight erections but that is the cure nothing else works mate believe me wake up do it now science helps!!!
Sami ali, that's not a good long-term solution. All anti-depressants have side effects. Some are severe.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Absolutely, that's a horrible idea.
bro your comments are laughable, your saying to lower ones sex drives one should play with their brain by taking anti depressant?