Assalamu Alaihkum,

I am a 24 year old female. I am the eldest in my family with a younger sister. I was proposed by a guy; in fact, in Nikkah to him some 5 years back. We did not live together as the wedding did not take place. After the Nikkah he went to UK on a visit visa and stayed there for all these days working illegally. He was a husband any girl would yearn for. He was so good to me and that is why I still struggle. Things changed gradually. Financial and other kinds of issues arose because of his mother and sister. They are two different kinds of beings I have never came across in life. They will speak all kind of lies and will do anything and everything for money. He stopped speaking to me last year and did speak to me again by the end of January. I wonder whether he too was pretending with me for so long?

He came back to our country on the 8th June 2011 but did not even tell me that he was coming although he spoke to me the previous night. They have changed him entirely. I know that Almighty will definitely punish them for ruining my life but by that time my life would be in another state. We are separated now. We got the Nikkah cancelled this month. I can't imagine of living with someone else in life. I can't speak peacefully at all. I called his land line yesterday; his mother picked up the phone speaking rubbish language to me. I am a teacher by profession and have never been abused like this in my whole life.  Why do things like these happen? I dont say I am 100% perfect but I know that people who are worst than me are living happy lives. I want to come out of the trauma I am facing. My parents insist me in getting married as I have a sister and me staying like this might ruin her life. Any suggestions?

Fathima

* Editors Note: Please note that poster used the word REGISTRATION which I changed for NIKKAH as I couldn't make sense of it.

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam Fathima,

I am sorry for the sense of loss that you are going through. I am not sure what this man has been going through, and so I cannot comment on his motivations  - although I am sure that the good parts between the two of your were sincere, and that for some reason or another - things changed and are as they are now. You must believe that what you experienced is real and true and that no one can take it away from you. So if you felt, in the beginning that he loved you and was good to you - then accept that this is the case and stop questioning it.

For you: you are demonstrating difficulty in accepting this and letting go and this is not healthy for you. You are seeking conclusions and answers, you need reasons and explanations - when actually, these things will not change the circumstances between you and so it is better for you if you can just let it go. Although at the moment this seems very difficult for you, it is possible and it can happen. You can live your life, have a future and move on and this pain will diminish, and in time - it will disappear.

What you are experiencing is grief. Grief can occur over any sudden loss or change. Knowing about the process is healthy for you, so that when you are having moments of doubt, sadness or anger: you can look inward to yourself and your own wellbeing, instead of looking outward for reasons and explanations (most of which will only fuel your negative emotions and take longer for you to cleanse yourself from them.) As you are going through this process, stop - take some time. Resist the urge to make destructive conclusions such as "I can't imagine living with someone else in life" and things like this, because anything and everything is possible. Our religion requires that we submit to Allah's will, which means that when something outside of our control happens, we do not scream and fight and resist it: we turn inward and search in ourselves for a way to accept what is happening, and improve ourselves and strengthen ourselves to be optimistic, accepting and exemplary: in the face of it.

I will now go through the stages of grief and inshaAllah this will help you to look inward; so that the next time you are having powerful emotion or desire to make contact, or something else - I would like for you to stop. Think. Ask yourself "what am I doing?", "what am I gaining here?", "where is the benefit in this action?" and keep looking inward until you achieve a state of discipline about yourself and you are able to move forwards to a positive future instead of lurking around in an unchangeable past and subjecting yourself to ongoing emotional pain and upset.

1.) Shock - pretending that nothing has changed: unable to think, feel or react in the "normal" way for such a situation

2.) Denial - pretending that it didn't happen, resisting what happened

3.) Anger and  Guilt - rage about what has happened, blaming oneself for what has happened

4.)  Despair and depression - believing that there is no recovery from what has happened, feeling like life cannot possibly continue that happiness is impossible

5.) Testing - entertaining the idea that a future is possible, happiness is possible, trying out a new way of life

6.) Acceptance - peace is made with what has happened, life carries on as normal, suffering ends.

Each of these stages can last for as long as necessary, however I feel that this should help you to look inward (inside yourself) so that you can help yourself go through the process in a way which leads to acceptance, instead of taking steps back here and there. When we are adhering to the tenets of our faith, and being good moral people: and something happens to us, and we resist it: it is like making a war within yourself, fighting against what is, with what you want it to be. It is better, healthier and more peaceful for you to reach acceptance of what is happened, because that is nearer to a state of submission than any other stages.

My advice to you therefore is to stop fighting with yourself and what has happened. Return to your religious practice, and focus inward instead outward and discpline yourself so that you may lead yourself to acceptance, which is peace, which is submission, which is being a Muslim.

Peace,

Leyla

Editor, Islamic Answers