Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage not working in 3 months

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Hello and salam to everyone.

I am very very very stressed and emotionally devastated by the recent events in my life. Please help me as i don't know what step to take to save my sanity, my marriage and my relationship with my family.

I am 24 years old female. I studied in a foriegn country. I met a guy from another country. However he liked me and we fell in love. He went back to his country after finishing studies. We both were realistic and didn't expect magical fairytale. He then came back for me and wanted to marry me. I had introduced him to my mother. My mother didn't like him as she didn't know him. Anyway after convincing and overtime she accepted his proposal.

My brothers accepted too. My dad kept rejecting. ( my parents are divorced and i hardly trust and talk to my father). He rejected because he wasnt from same country. The guy's family accepted and travelled to the this country for our marriage. We did marriage properly with all the procedure except for wali. (I read ad asked alot about wali permission, it was okay to marry in hanafi madhab if the reason of rejection was not valid). We married. My husband have serious anger problem. He has raised hand over me several times before and after marriage. But he alologizes and regrets. He has this problem since he was kid. Nothing changed it. But i helped him to become better person.

Anyway we travelled to his neighbouring country to stay with his father as i had visa problem. He started being angry and rude all the time. He has beat me few times and said it was my fault as i dont respond nicely. He has put me down so much i started feeling crazy. He yelled at me and insulted me inside the house aswell as outside.

After thinking so much i informed my mother of what was happening. She got really scared as i was in a strange country alone. She told my younger brother and they booked me a ticket. However intold my husband that i am only going to visit my family.

I came out of there. Now i am at my mom's place and she advised me to ask for divorce. I have tried talking to my husband about beating and anger issues. He said he will try to avoid it. And he wants me to come back. I love him and i am not abke to hate him even though he has treated me like animals. I don't want to leave. I don't know what to do.

(P.s about my husband. He had history of cheating and hanging out with new girls every once in a while, before he knew me and he kept seeing his ex girlfriend after we were in relation before marriage. He also chatted with girls 10 days after our marriage. And when i caught him he said stop following me and respect me. He keep comparing me with his ex-girlfriend. He had aborted 2 babies from her before. On the other hand he told me he wanted to change. He read Quran and prayed sometimes in ramadan)

I dont judge people and i don't keep an account of negative behaviours. He promised me to change and become better person. I forgave him for beating me and flirting with girls. I don't know whether i ask for divorce or continue this marriage.

Please advise me.

Nina

 

 

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12 Responses »

  1. Dear,
    I have a lot of experience and have sacrificed in every stage of my life to give value to the relationship. My suggestion is that for you, never go back there because he is not only sick but he is luxury minded and he can never be changed for you.....It's my advice because I better understand these type of men nature.

    Take care

  2. Your dad was right as he might have predicted double problems in case of marriage going wrong due to foreign country .You should have trusted him or at least take help from him .Your mom doesn't seems to be matured as she agreed to send you to strange country .Please take help from your father .

  3. Salam Nina,

    Read my story here,
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wife-divorced-me-because-of-my-anger/

    My marriage ended in 3 months as well but I was not as bad as your (sorry to compare him to myself), I never raised hand nor cheated. I never will do that to any girl but I had anger issues, and this day i still regret that my life was over in 3 months. I do not believe I will ever get married to anyone because I am afraid of my self.

    Your husband needs to realize what is his mistakes are, I pray that it works out, I will never tell you to divorce him as it is the worst feeling. Since you already told him his problems now tell him to go see professional help, psychiatrist, yes I said it "psychiatrist", this will help because he has some issues he does not want to tell you. Just hope he does not take it wrong way. Sorry to say he is not normal, he is insecure.

    May Allah (Swt) helps you..

    Allah hafiz..

    • Assalam Aleykoum Brother,

      There are people facing worst off and their lives are over. Not yours.Your life was/is not over. Your marriage is the one that was over. Never fall in the trap of shaitan and say that you will never marry. You can not set a rule for yourself that goes against our beloved Prohet's sunnah. So don't say you will never marry.

      Also, dont beat yourself up about the past. Allah SWT has already written in your book 50,000 years before you were created and the ink has dried. It was never in your control to stop the divorce. You can not change the past but you can make dua for a better future.

      You know your weakness is anger, then work on it. But have hope for Allah SWT loves the one who is hopeful in His mercy.

      Your next wife will be lucky for you have learnt from your past and In-sha-Allah would be mindful in treating her bettr.

      Have hope, be positive.

  4. I recommend divorce as well. The problems seem severe and are so early on that it's best to just part ways and move on. It's better this way than to wait and have kids and suffer some more.

  5. Diovrce him and never ever go back.. im surprised why did u even married him in first place. If u dont like judging other poeple then its a good thing but marrieg was a life time matter and u shouldnt've taken it that easy. How come u even trusted him after knowing about aborting his babies. All this discribes his charector u shuldnt've closed ur eyes on this. Anyway whts done is done. Hope u will learn from this and wont trust him again. That man sounds dangrous and lost in his world. Ran away from him as far as u can. Ur very lucky ur famly is in ur side. Ask for khula n dont trust him again.

  6. salaam

  7. salaam sis. I pray your doing a lot better.

    Sis, I just don't get why you'd want to give such man a chance? He dared to hit you BEFORE marriage like you said, wasn't that enough for you to see as a red flag? Like honestly he hit you just before you both got married, not once but several times.. And you still think he deserves to be forgiven? No just no.

    On top of that he disrespected you by chatting with ladies behind your back & the funny thing is, he had the audacity to tell YOU to respect him..huh?

    Thank Allah SWT that you don't have kids with him. You would have been in a much worse situation! Alhamduliallah. You deserve better than this. You know that too.

    I'll cut my advice down to this, drop him like a bad habit & don't EVER look back. Honestly he did that once..oh no wait.. a few times actually!

    so what makes you think he wouldn't do it again? Don't allow your emotions to get the best of you, otherwise if you do then your just going to end up being his punching bag! For your own sake & peace of mind, let him go. You mentioned he had anger issues, well you know what don't be fooled, because Anger is NEVER an excuse for a man to beat his wife up, and will NEVER be.

    For your own sake & peace of mind, let him go. Ask for divorce and move on with your life.

    W/salaam

  8. He says he will change, but he will go right back to his ways. It's very hard to change unless he is willing to get help professionally. Don't go back until he has started to get help professionally so that you know he is willing to take steps in the right direction for your marriage.

    If he's not willing to get help, leave. I'm in a marriage myself where I regret not leaving 1.5 years into my marriage, I regret not leaving 2 years into my marriage, and now I have a son with him and it's more difficult to leave and I am 3.5 years in marriage with this man. I still question myself as to why I never left when I the opportune times.

    Your mother cares for you and wants the best for you. If he's hit you so many times previously, it is not guaranteed he won't do it again once you go back. Us women, we are naive, we believe whatever men say because we truly want to fix things, who wants a divorce? No one. I will not tell you to get divorce because it is your choice. If he's had a problem with females (staying faithful), he may always have that problem. And because you don't have any CHILDREN involved, it is much much much easier to leave. You are young. It will be tough in the beginning but inshallah you will be happier in the long run.

    May Allah ease your pain.

  9. OP: My husband have serious anger problem. He has raised hand over me several times before and after marriage. But he apologizes and regrets. He has this problem since he was kid. Nothing changed it. But i helped him to become better person......He started being angry and rude all the time. He has beat me few times and said it was my fault as i dont respond nicely. He has put me down so much i started feeling crazy. He yelled at me and insulted me inside the house as well as outside...... my husband had history of cheating and hanging out with new girls every once in a while, before he knew me and he kept seeing his ex girlfriend after we were in relation before marriage. He also chatted with girls 10 days after our marriage. And when i caught him he said stop following me and respect me. He keep comparing me with his ex-girlfriend. He had aborted 2 babies from her before. On the other hand he told me he wanted to change. He read Quran and prayed sometimes in ramadan.

    Did you know he was doing all these things before you got married?Why does he need to connect with other girls? I don't think your husband is going to change.

  10. This is what happens when we have weak Iman result weak understanding weak hear g weak looking Result problems after problems....Correct niyyah build Iman ..understand purpose in life. .. Look for a religious person who fears Allah.He is soft in speech and straight to the point his face shines with the noor of Iman loves PROPHET MUHAMMAD PBUH more then he loves himself at the same time he works hard for his family but makes it with rewards....Today people are dating and looking at the illusion ..Just like the t.v.... An idle man's brain is a devils workshop

  11. Salam sister

    Hope your confusions are over.

    Have you known leopard to change spot? People don't change, they may learn a lesson once they get to taste their own medicine!!Ask him if he was treated the way he treated you?

    He won't change!! give yourself a year and you will get over him. For all you know, while you are lementing he might be contemplating another relationship guys like your husband dont stop .

    Do isteqaraH. Ask Allah to guide you.

    In future do get your fathers approval. No matter how bad your parents might be to you your duty to them don't stop.Fathers Razi to Rub Razi.

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