Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage Problems – Please help

The Successful Marriage

Asalam Alakum brothers and sisters,

I need some sound and simple advice regarding my marriage, and whether I should divorce my wife or not.

I certainly can not speak on behalf of other people and their marriages, but I do understand it is normal to have disagreements, arguments to a certain level, with some misunderstandings along the way.

How ever it has come to that stage now in my marriage where unfortunately and very sadly there is a lot of mistrust between the families. This includes her parents, mainly her father and my parents, but also her uncle and auntie that live here in the UK.

My father particular is advising me to divorce my wife.

But not with out any valid reasons, his reasoning is due to the following facts:-

- She kept making complaints consistently to her uncle and auntie about my family, how we are,

- One day her father rang from Pakistan (we strongly believe on the request of my wife), complaining about some seriously very petty things, Number 1 - He said it took you 6 months to process the spouse/marriage visa, and in that time couldn't u have decorated our daughters room!!

Number 2 - when r u going to have the walima party etc.

3) During one evening on one occasion I was only talking to my wife about her health condition because my parents suspected she may have been pregnant, I wasn't ready to have a family at that stage, due to the way things were going in my marriage. out or proportion she became very emotional and rang her uncle and auntie, a big hostile argument was caused and they took her away from our house.

- Now we do live separately in 1 room on rent in a shared house. But recently my wife has been insulting me very badly by cursing my parents saying "I hope they separate",

" I hope your daughter (I have a daughter from my 1st marriage) turns against you and hates you"

I totally appreciate that forgiveness and reconciliation is very important, but I am sad to say there just does not seem to be any way back, due to the way her father has spoken to my father, making threats etc. (ie: may be put in a case for victim of domestic violence so his daughter- my wife can get indefinite leave to remain in the UK).

As a result of this, you can understand why my parents feel unsafe and uncomfortable and fear for my future.

As a courtesy, I would humbly request for all advise to be settle and gentle, with no offensive or discouraging language, I say this because due to the nature of my case and the advise I require this can be inevitable.

End of the day we are all humans, we are imperfect and we don't always have the answers to our problems therefore we need each others help and advise.








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9 Responses »

  1. Dear Brother,

    Arguments in marriage are very common especially in the first years.

    My husband and I went their so much but al hamdoulilah we have managed to understand each other better with time.

    I recommend you and your wife not to disclose any issue to your family and keep your issues for yourself, try to manage them alone.

    Parents don't want to see their kids suffer or be in a sad marriage so they will always advice you to leave if you are stuck in an unhappy marriage.

    Also, I know it doesn't excuse your' wife'S behavior and attitude for cursing you. But if she is in pain and has suffered some major trauma maybe that is the only way she knows to defend herself.

    I am sure that if you guys take some time to discuss your issues she will soften and so will you.

    I wish the two of you a happy marriage and a quick reconciliation.

  2. Walykum Salam,

    Brother you quote “End of the day we are all humans, we are imperfect and we don't always have the answers to our problems therefore we need each other's help and advice.”

    So help yourself and wife to do not involve in your personal life.anybody.
    And respect both of your parent to do not give anxiety to telling you problems.

    Work out both alone with asking Allah to help and guide you to happy life.
    You and your wife must start new life with understanding of each other.
    InshaAllah your Marriage will be change with best end,our dua..
    Allah help us we all need Allah.

  3. Your wife sounds like an immature brat - how big is the age gap between you? Because she literally sounds like a child...

    Have you ever sat her down calmly and seriously, one on one, and talked to her as an ADULT about her behaviour? She sounds a bit like she's a headless chicken that doesn't know how to cope with things independantly, so she turns to the people that (she's is used to) bail(ing) her out all the time: her family. I think you should sit her down and talk to her about your ideas and expectations of marriage and roles. You should tell her that you want a happy and stable marriage, but in order to achieve that she must do her part (as do you) - unless, of course, she really doesn't want to remain married to you. You should tell her that you prefer that she communicates with you and tells you about her frustrations, instead of running to her family and telling them about her issues with you - and promise to her that you will do the same. Because, really, your dad shouldn't be involved in your marriage, either. Let her know what the consequences of her choices and behaviour are, and how they affect you and your marriage. Let her know you don't see this marriage lasting for much longer if she doesn't stop involving her family in your private affairs.

    Also, the fact that you already have one failed marriage behind you...I do question how you choose your women. I mean, what kind of thought goes in to your choice of wife? How can you get it wrong twice? Not trying to bash you, but your wife is not necessarily the only issue here. If you want a better marriage, then you have to choose a better partner. Because a marriage is a two-person engine, you know :).

    Good luck with everything.

  4. Don't think we are not going to be tested..
    My friend r we are all subjected to test.
    This is fact...especially when it comes to marriage. ...shaitan is the third...what else can I say..

    As long as she loves you and you love her that's all you need ...parents are to be respected but do not let you and her get parents involve.

    All this fight is a lack of IMAN. doubt...the tongue becomes dangerous must talk with her and get o see its all head games and shaitan is always must understand in order to live a peaceful stressful life one must 1st obey the commandments of Allah and teachings of prophet Muhammad. ..other then this we certainly will not live a happy blessed life..we will always end up with problem after problem....praying 5 times and reading Quran daily observing 100% halal is the only way...learn Deen properly and perfect it

  5. Asalamoalaikum Brother,

    I’m going to change things around a bit and ask you to look at things from a different perspective. Perhaps that will give you insight on how to handle your situation and insha Allah the outcome you choose will be a positive one for you both.

    From your post, it seems as though your wife has moved from another country to live with you. She has left her family behind for you. As such, this may be why she keeps falling back on her Uncle and Aunt to help resolve her marital issues. She may not be well equipped (like many of us) as a newlywed to handle marital stress. This of course is not okay but perhaps it can help you understand better why she’s doing this. What you can do instead is inform her gently and kindly that you would like all marital issues to stay between you both as it’ll make you united. With the same token, your parents should not and cannot (Islamically) interfere with your marriage in any way. That includes offering unsolicited advice. In a nutshell, keep all family members out of your marriage from both sides, period.

    Often a couple can sort their problems but when extended family gets involved, things worsen and feelings are hurt. What her dad said to your dad or what her aunt said to you, etc. let that go and talk with your wife one-on-one and ask her, what can you do to make this marriage work? Then ask her what can she do to make this marriage work? See how that conversation goes and explain to her what your needs are and she can explain to you what her needs are. Your dad should not advocate for divorce as that should come from you both since you are the ones married to each other.

    -Hopeful Sister

  6. TO. dear MelinaTheRussian,
    How dare to judge brother’s wife as “She sounds a bit like she's a headless chicken that doesn't know how to cope with things independently, “

    We do not knew her story, mostly problem came from who advice people like you.
    You want to advice only who asked you. tel his immature how he involved his parent.
    So I hope you do not take me wrong. Forgive me for my short coming.

  7. Salaam brother,

    I think my point of view is different from what others have commented above. Everyone has their point of view, so I'll give you mine. If you feel I'm right then follow my advice else you can leave it.

    I think maybe your wife has not willingly married you and was forced into the marriage. Maybe she was in love with someone else. Maybe she didn't know your were already married once and had a daughter.

    Also, I doubt maybe someone in her family/relatives convinced her to marry you so she can come to the UK and afterwards once she gets an ILR then she can divorce you and start a new life. Maybe that's the plan she had in mind.

    If she curses your daughter to be against you then it seems like she is not happy that she married a divorced man who already has a daughter. You cannot hope your daughter will be happy in the future if her step mother doesn't like her. She might not hate her but she surely doesn't like her as she is cursing her.

    Also, how can you tolerate her behavior and attitude and language against your parents. They are your parents and she needs to respect them, she doesn't need to follow their orders and if she does have a disagreement with them she can talk about it in a decent manner without being verbally abusive about your parents. Brother, you have to stand up for your parents and not listen to insulting words about them from your wife.

    You have to make her sit down and tell her that your daughter is an important part of your life and you cannot hear curse against your daughter. You have to tell her that you cannot listen bad insults about your parents from her. Tell her if she agrees to respect your parents and your daughter in the future for her whole life then she can be your wife else this marriage will not work and you both have to divorce.

    You have to tell her that since she is living with you for sometime now and she knows how your life and lifestyle is then she has to decide. If she wants to spend the rest of her life with you or not. If she doesn't like you or your family then she is free to get a divorce.

    If she doesn't want to stay with you then you cannot force her. Give her an option, if she cannot adjust to your lifestyle then she can take divorce from you and she can find someone else with whom she can be happy.

    And the last point I want to tell in her favor. It seems like your parents are interfering more than required in your marriage. If possible live separately from your parents. Live separately with your wife in a separate house without any interference from your parents and then see how her attitude is towards you and your family.

    May Allah bless your marriage with happiness.

  8. I need help too .Whr can I type my concern?

  9. My husband not giving me my rights also He taking illleagl pills, Not praying five times a day I’m pregnant with his child and he does not call me or take none of my calls...... He is bringing out marriage down the is not the husband I want ...... I’m really to get a divorced

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