Marriage Proposal Dilemma
Al salam alaikom.
I will try and get to the point quickly with this. I am a divorced woman. I was married to my ex-husband for 10 months and it didn't work out. Until I got married and even after my divorce I had/have remained chaste by the grace of Allah and always wanted someone who was chaste too. Almost 3 years have passed and each proposal I receive for marriage has been worse than the one before. There aren't many decent men around unfortunately and it's becoming really hard to find a good husband who is chaste, willing and able to take care of his wife.
My dilemma is this. The last proposal I received was from a man who has qualities most women would want in a husband mashallah. He is educated, he prays, well mannered, has a good job, from a good family etc. The HUGE catch (for me) is that he studied in America for 6 years and during those 6 years he lived with a non-Muslim girlfriend he met there for almost one year and had a sexual relationship with her during that time. Had he been divorced I would have understood but this is something that really bothers me a lot, as I wouldn't dream of doing it let alone take the step to live with a man who is not my husband. It has been 3 years since they split up and he wants to now settle down. He isn't a hypocrite, so me being divorced doesn't bother him like it would do other men. Only because of his past, I don't know if this is something I should seriously consider or if I deserve better and should pass on this one too.
Unfortunately about 99% of the brothers who proposed had all been in haram relationships before and I have given up finding a half decent man. Am I being unrealistic? Should I just accept his past and move on? Oh and there were other women too, but this woman was someone he actually lived with and he stated that he got the all clear from any problems medically, which actually made my stomach turn when he said that. He may as well could have got married. Ahhh I'm so confused 🙁 I am worried if I pass on this I'll lose a good guy, because like I said he has other very good qualities, but at the same time it's something really hard to accept so I need a few opinions. I'd really appreciate it.
Jazakom Allah Khair.
Rima
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ASSALAMALAIKUM-
THERE IS POSSIBLE CHANCE THAT THE OLD CONTACTS WILL RE-ESTABLISH CONTACT THEN THE WHOLE INTENTION OF THE RIGHT PERSON ALSO WILL FAIL AND HE WILL START GOING TO THE ROUTES OF BUSINESS-TOUR TO THAT COUNTRY OR PLACE THEN IT WILL BE HARD FOR YOU TO LIVE HAPPILY-
FOR THAT ONLY IN ISLAM AN ADULTERER ISKILLED BECAUSE HE IS STIGMA TO THE SOCIETY THEN AND IN FUTURE HE WILL REPEAT THAT ACT ONCE IT IS TASTED IN THE HARAM RELATIONSHIP
[I MEAN TH FREE SEX LIKE ALL TYPES OF PLEASURES INVOLVED] THEN THE COMPARISON OF THE WIFE AND THE SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR WITH THE EARLIER CONTACTS REMINDS AND HIM ALWAYS AND ONE BAIT IS PUT BY AN OLD CONTACT HE WILL SLIP IMMIDIATELY-
The Quran, in addressing the believers, often uses the expression, 'believing men and women' to emphasize the equality of men and women in regard to their respective duties, rights, virtues and merits. It says:
"For Muslim men and women, for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are patient and constant, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women WHO FAST FOR MEN AND WOMEN WHO GUARD THEIR CHASTITY and for men and women who engage much in Allah's praise, for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward." [Noble Quran 33:35]
TODAYS WORLD WITH THE NET SOURCE ANYONE CAN CONTACT ANYONE FROM THE OLDER TIMES ITS SO EASY.
HOPE YOU WILL PONDER-
Assalamualaikum Rima,
Did he actually tell you upfront that he was in sexual relation with this woman? This sounds dangerous and shameless. Wallahu A'lam.
Or did you come to know this from somewhere else or did you ask him (or force him) to tell you? A person who is remorseful of his sin would not reveal his sin. If he was married to her per the sharee'ah when he had the relation, then he is free from blame.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: “My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin (those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: “O so- and-so! Last night I did this and that.” He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!” [Saheeh al-Bukhari]
All of this aside, perform Salatul Istikhaarah to seek Allah's counsel.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister, you did not mention if he has repented and changed his ways and is remorseful. This is the crux of the matter. If he has indeed changed, then you could consider him.
but be careful sister. The fitna of women is a sickness for some men. And you have to make sure he is a chaste man who will be satisfied with you.
Make A LOT OF ISTIKHARA and make dua for the right path to become clear for you. Because yes it is a tough decision to make.
If it ends up that you say no, KNOW that Allah will give you something BETTER than what you gave up for His sake. Remember the case of the jews who were told not to fish on the sabbath and the fish only showed up that day.
His other qualities sound good. But deen is a quality that you have to ensure you both are on the same page with. especially chastity.
This point should be emphasized. We dont know what context or how the sister found this information about her suitor.
Can I ask Reema? Are you British Pakistani by chance? Is your potential spouse Pakistani American. More importantly unlike me, and a lot of other Pakistani American men, was your spouse born or raised overseas for a significant portion of his life?
I mean to me the part isn't even that he fell into sin. It's that he co-habitated with this woman over a prolonged period of time. That's sick. That's like being married to a person where you live, eat share responsibilities with them without a nikah or any sort of obligation or responsibility. And I could bet you his parents didn't know of this accomodation. If that's the case consider he was being deceitful to the people closest around him and that any sort of person who can vouch for his character would not be able to accurately do so.
You're struggle of a spouse sadly is a problem with a lot of European Muslima's where unlike America, immigrants are are the bottom of the educational and economic ladders. I don't know how you got to know of this man, but if you have another connection in America keep looking. Statistically speaking there are 9 Muslim women for 11 Muslim men in America, so we are definitely looking for Muslima brides.
I would also avoid online matrimonial sites. Go through mutual acquaintances who can vouch for potential suitors' characters.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
This is what I've understood, you are virgin even after divorced, your last proposal is from a guy who had a non muslim girlfriend and had sexual intercourse with her, but since he has a good job, prays etc you think he is a good potential spouse and now you're confuse.
Honestly, he was a hypocrite, a great sinner and who knows how many more gfs he got and slept with and/or what worst happened in those 3 years after they broke up. Personally, I would strongly advise you against this proposal. This is not an ideal proposal which will affect your life later on. I believe you deserve better insha'Allah. Since you are chaste yourself, it is indeed difficult to accept someone who sleeps around. I myself cannot accept those type of women. The qualities you must look in someone is the character and religion and that man, even though he seems good, his character and religion is spoilt by his great evil deeds, unless ofcourse if he repents and only Allah knows if he did or didn't. He is not to be trusted. Allah said that men of impurity are for women of impurity and men of purity are for women of purity and He also said, fornicators are for fornicatress and fornicators are forbidden for the belivers. That man certainly falls in that '99%' of brothers who proposed you and is bad. So, if I were you, I wouldn't haste in this, I would totally forget this man and instead I'll be patient and wait for Allah's mercy.
And no, you are not unrealistic in your search. Your method of finding a man maybe wrong and thats why you attract the wrong men. By Allah, there are pious men out there who never had been in a relationship, infact some have never talked to a girl their whole life, they are pure. They have good jobs and family too, Just ask of Allah and be patient. It may be difficult to find those sort of men in USA but its not impossible.
Secondly, were your parents involved in your first marriage ? Are they involved now in helping you find a husband ? How exactly are you finding a husband ? Is it by yourself or through friends or Islamic centres or how ?
Whatever it is, pray salat al istikhara for guidance.
Salam Ali, Thanks for your post.
Just to clarify when I meant chaste after divorce I mean I kept myself chaste etc. This man came to my family, it's just the ones who came before I'd find out about them because in our Saudi society we have to ask about the guy and I usually find out things that put me off. He came to propose the normal traditional way with his family and because of what I found out before from people who studied abroad I just asked him straight about the matter (because I don't want this to haunt me, his exes chasing him after marriage etc) and he answered me very honestly and told me he cut all ties with her since he moved back to Saudi. He wasn't proud of it but it was a disappointment for me and I don't know of it's Shaytan trying to make it a big deal as he has other good qualities. I have prayed estekhara of course I just wanted some opinions on the matter also, thinking maybe someone has been through this type of experience and can give me advice.
In our society the pious men don't go for women who have been previously divorced etc their mothers search for women who have never been married so this is the choice we get. If it's not that then we get proposals from men looking for 2/3/4th wives, someone much much older, someone wanting a secret wife, misyar or someone who is related to us... and honestly this one is the best one that came.
It just so happens that the proposals I have received have been from men who have studied abroad and come with this type of baggage that makes me feel sad. If a man sinned once or twice and repented it may be easier to accept but to live with a woman for a whole year (and whether he repented or not is between him and Allah) is a really big compromise for me. No one is perfect but I'd like to know from a man's point of view and from a woman's point of view who has accepted something like this before if it's worth going ahead with.
It may sound silly to some people but for some of us women it is a huge issue and I'd like some advice on how to overcome this in my case? Jzk for your responses.
Rima
Alaykumsalam,
No its ofcourse not silly, its a huge issue, infact its a really huge issue for most people who kept themselves away from great sins/pious people. You asked for a man's point of view, well for me, I can never ever accept a woman who slept with other men, like ever, or who drank alcohol or had boyfriends etc whether they repent or not, infact I can't even accept a friend who did fornication or drinks alcohol or etc, I had few male friends who did those and I don't get along well with them as my blood boils around them and so I ignore them. I beleive I can't overcome this as I won't be able to compromise or sacrifice for a woman who followed her evil desires, who heeded shaytan, who is/was greatly disobidient towards Allah etc, I would prefer to remain single all my life than to marry one of these women but since I know there are pure righteous muslimahs out there, I'm praying for Allah's mercy to grant me one. This is how I was Islamically brought up here in Kuwait from a religious family and being pure and righteous all my life, I expect to marry a muslimah who is also pure and righteous as Allah promised " The best outcome is for the righteous" (Al-Araaf 7:128). So yea, basically, it all depends on you, if whether you can accept a man who has evil pasts ( whether he has repented or not, as we can never know that, its between him and Allah) ? No one can answer this except you. If you feel, his past might affect you then deny him, if you feel his ex-gf might call him in the future to convince him to marry her thus spoiling your marriage then deny him, if you feel you've done jihad to keep yourself chaste in this corrupted generation and so its difficult to cope with/accept someone who followed his evil desires then deny him, if you feel that his evil past would possibly make him perform those actions even after marriage then deny him ( as some say, sinners have the guts to sin again in most cases) etc. Basically, these all I fear and since I'm in my early twenties now, all my family, friends, relatives etc are talking about my marriage, sometimes I feel that I am afraid to even get married as I find it difficult to trust people as the ummah has drifted far away from its teachings. I have few muslim acquaintances who cheated their wives and vice versa for no reason, which really scares me, but I'll have to put my full trust in Allah and have patience as Allah said " Surely, Allah is with those who are as-sabiroon (patient) (Al-Anfaal 6:46) and
Allah said ".. those who show patience and do righteous good deeds: those, theirs will be forgiveness and a great reward" (Hood 11:11) . So basically, since you live in Saudi and since his pasts is bothering you now, I will have to advise you to deny that man's proposal for the sake of peace of mind even though he has other qualities, his character and deen has been badly affected and I request you to have lots of patience as I believe, its not at all impossible to find better men in Saudi. Especially Saudi. There are plenty I can guarantee. Just have patience and improve your method of searching so that you don't attract bad flies, there is a recent post which explains how to look for a spouse, check it. Do involve your families, extended families, friends etc. Finally, be regular in prayers, make lots of du'a and tawbah and pray salat al istikhara too. Insha'Allah Allah will grant you a better one.
ASSALAMALAIKUM-
"Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity."[Qur'an 24:26]
[In the nature of things,] corrupt women are for corrupt men, and corrupt men, for corrupt women - just as good women are for good men, and good men, for good women. [Since God is aware that] these are innocent of all that evil tongues may impute to them, 31 forgiveness of sins shall be theirs, and a mr`~t excellent cilstenance! 32
Malik : Unclean women are for unclean men, and unclean men are for unclean women; and pure women are for pure men, and pure men are for pure women. They are free from the slanderer's accusations; for them there shall be forgiveness and honorable provision from Allah.
Pickthall : Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision.
Yusuf Ali : Women impure are for men impure and men impure are for women impure; and women of purity are for men of purity and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable. 2978 2979
Rima,
Make Istikhara and go from there. Try not to dwell on this mans past. If anything, he has been upfront with you and is not painting a false picture of who he is or shall I say, was. God willing he has repented for his past sins and is trying to become a better Muslim. If you choose to accept his proposal, it will be you who shares a future with...not anyone from his past. May Allah guide you to the best decision in regards to this man.
Salam
Why dont you just pray salatul istiqara, instead of going through all of these "maybe" or "maybe nots"? Allah will tell you what to do and you'll know it's the right thing because He knows best and will always have your best interest.
Hope Allah gives you someone who you will be pleased with, inshallah. Ameen.
thats the problem, when people are honest, they are judged. So what if he had a relationship out of marriage that is his PAST. He offered you a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL, he didn't come out and ask you to be his girlfriend and move in with him or any haram things. He isn't judging you on why your marriage lasted 10 months. In actuality you are being extremely unrealistic. If you can't see someone for their intentions rather than their past then you may have to do some soul searching. Salam
I agree with sister Paisley. The fact is he brought it up, he didn't sneak around and let you find out for yourself. He has revealed his skeletons from the past. You need to find out whether he is ashamed and repented from his past. Nobody is perfect, I mean NOBODY. You are not going to be in his past, however, you will be in his future. If he has sought forgiveness from his past, who are we to dwell on it?
I know it's a big compromise. Personally, if I knew a really pious person who had a past such as this guy's, I would try and identify if he is really sincere in having a clean future. If he is, then all his forgiven on my part.
@Ali Yousuff: Yes you shouldn't reveal your sins but for this scenario I believe it was right of him to tell her about his past because that would be dishonest if he didn't.
The fact is, he has came to you for a proposal. He is thinking of you now. If he is close to Allah SWT, then he would know not to transgress His commands again. But you need to find that out. And also, pray istikhara inshaAllah.