Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We want to spend our lives together but I am not sure if I should trust him due to cultural, religious and age differences.

Marriage age differences in U.S. couples

Marriage age differences in U.S. couples

Hi everyone,

I have met and fallen in love with a Saudi student who is considerably younger than me (18years). He is from one of the most liberal cities in KSA and has told me that his family will eventually accept me. I have met his brother on skype, but no one else so far. He has said that his entire family knows about me, but I am not so sure. I love this man more than anything and would be willing to give up anything in return for a life of happiness with him. I can't help but wonder if this is possible due to the age and cultural difference, and the fact that his student visa will be expiring in another year or so. I also worry that he may be married already and hiding it from me, so that he has someone to be with while he is in the states. Is there a way to find out if he is married and is there any hope for this relationship? Also, I am not muslim, and I should add that we have been sleeping together since the night we met.

Any help will be greatly appreciated, many thanks.


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10 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    In my personal opinion, just the fact of a muslim man sleeping with a woman he is not married to is enough to deem him untrustworty. I would tell anyone who is in a physical relationship to question whether they really have a "love" relationship with the person they are being intimate with.

    Premarital sex is a giant forbidden act in Islam. At this point, whether his family knows about you or would accept you or whether he is already married or not is irrelevant. For him to be engaging zina (premarital sex) with you tells me that he is not taking his own life seriously and has his priorities way out of order. It also tells me that if he did marry you, and eventually wanted to get serious about his faith, he would more than likely start living an Islamic lifestyle that might be very difficult for you to feel comfortable with. Finally, if he really does want to marry you, and you are not Muslim, you have to at least identify yourself as Jewish or Chrisitian to be marriagable for him. If you do not adhere to any particular faith, chances are that the whole marriage would be invalid to begin with.

    Mellie, if you want love and marriage, and all the benefits those two can bring you, I believe you have better odds of finding it with someone other than this person. To begin with, if you are not trying to get to know your Lord and Creator by some means, and trying to find out what your purpose is in this existence, then you are only going to experience the superficial benefits of a relationship. I would suggest examining your own life and destiny, and trying to find out who God truly is. Consider living a life for Him, and then you can think about sharing that life with someone who is truly compatible with you. A man who is truly committed to God will be honest, respectful, and carry out his responsibilties in a more balanced way than what you've seen with this young man. It actually has nothing to do with age or culture, and everything to do with sincere devotion to the Unseen.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Mellie stop sleeping with him and see how long he sticks around sounds like a user to me, your 18 years older than him most likely his mothers age i dont think he would just tell his family all about you, and his brother could just as well have been a friend or cousin i would not trust a student on a visa as far as i could throw him.

  3. lolz ....... u dont beleive your self and asking others for the long lastness of this relation :):):)

    stop sleeping with him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Stugferallah

    Stop sleeping with this person, if anything hes using you to possibly get american citizenship. Good luck, may allah giude us all ya rub.

  5. AA;

    Sleeping together since the night you met? WOW. Not sure who initiated the sleeping, but looks like you two in bad need for each other PHYSICALLY. And I think that is a big thing for women when needed that much from a man, specially younger man. Plus, his Visa is expiring, maybe he needs green card (how long this relationship been going on), and by your user ID I am guessing he is 26 or 27 and you are 44 and in your prime. But when he is 40 and you are 57, are you sure he will not ask for more than what you can give?

    I do not want to get judgmental here, but since you are not trusting him, that's a big indicator that you might not be in the right relationship. Age, culture, location, looks, none of these are a show stopper when it comes to marriage. It is all preferences and what people like. At the end, it is a man and a woman and do they want to spend their lives together or not. That is not just for Muslim, it is for all from what I know.

    As mentioned by more than one person earlier, stop sleeping with him, think about if this is the guy you want to be with, take it slow, think about kids, does he want any, do u want any, if he is marrying you to stay then maybe all his family will look agreeable and supportive anyway! I think you can ask the embassy about him and maybe they can tell you about his family back in KSA.

    May ALLAH guide you to the correct path and give you blessing and peace.


  6. Thank you all for the advice. We have been together for one year, and he says he will stay in the US when he is finished with school. He is on a government scholarship to complete his education, so I am not sure what will happen when that runs out. We discuss our age and cultural differences regularly, and we believe that we can overcome them. I do believe that he loves me, and I did meet one of his sisters while he was home via skype. I want to believe everything will work out, but with all of the things I read about these types of relationships, I just don't know. Thank you again for all of the advice.

    • AA;

      Well, if you want to go through with it, at least stop sleeping with him, start to see the relationship with sex out of the way and see how is life with him will be. Just get to know him as you would do in any other relationship.

      As Najah said:
      "I also want you to know that I am not saying any of these things to you to hurt you or make you feel like less than the beautiful woman that you are. If anything, I would like to save you from a broken heart"
      Add to that, if things go haywire, I hope you do not end up thinking all Muslim men are like that! As usual, in any community, culture, race, there are good people and they are bad. 🙂

      May ALLAH guide you to the correct path and give you blessing and peace.


  7. Dearest Mellie,

    Saudi students can not stay in the United States when they complete their studies. Once they have finished their degree and have submitted all documentation to the Saudi officials, they will be given a time in which to choice in the matter. They are here on a student visa and hence cannot work here unless they were to possibly seek other avenues which I am not aware of and obtain a work visa (although not impossible, I personally have never heard of it).

    My personal opinion on the matter of your age difference is that in Saudi society, it goes against the norm. Families prefer that a potential husband be several years older than his counterpart but having said that, I have known a Saudi woman who was eight years older than her husband. Eighteen years difference...I don't know but some might see that as robbing the cradle.

    It is my personal opinion having lived in Saudi for many years and knowing the people like I do, that this man is lying to you about his family knowing about you. To be quite blunt...he is full of s***. There is no other way that I can put it.

    Additionally, KSA has put new rules in effect which make it virtually impossible for a Saudi man to marry abroad and bring his new wife home. It would be nearly impossible for him to gain an entry visa for you.

    My advice to you is end things with this man. You may have feelings and yes...even love him to bits but, this relationship is only going to end up with him returning to Saudi and you having a broken heart. If he isn't married at this point, you can bet his family are already looking for a potential spouse for him if they haven't found one for him already.

    I also want you to know that I am not saying any of these things to you to hurt you or make you feel like less than the beautiful woman that you are. If anything, I would like to save you from a broken heart from a man who is lying through his teeth and is not going to be able to deliver on anything he says. Save yourself Mellie while you can, you are headed towards heartbreak for that I am certain.

    • you are quite right about the actions of saudi men and their mentality

      i hate to admit it, but thats the reality, our saudi men can be decieving players.

      many many saudi women dont know that they are sharing their husbands.
      eventhough it is legal, they still feel the need to have a halal young fresh secret honey on the side.

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