Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage to the girl I love – out the window

Lonely man walking away.

Assalamu alaikum,

First of all may Allah reward you for your sincere effort to help guide, support and comfort our brothers and sisters. Right now I come to you for simple advice on what seems, in my head, to be a life changing point in my life. Unfortunately I was going out with a girl for a number of years when we werent practicing. Alhamdulillah Allah blessed us with understanding and we grew closer to the deen, and in doing so, knew our situation wasnt right. Therefore we decided to correct the situation and make it halal, from my side everything was fine meaning i knew 100% i am free to marry this girl, obviously by now i dearly loved/love this girl etc. Due to the nature of her parents, she chose to approach her mum and informed her, her mother very quickly shot me down due to my background which was from a single parent family and my family had magic done on them in the past, her family surprisingly knows mine through gatherings etc.

Now this was very unexpected, especially when i knew i would be able to marry this girl and my family would be happy with it, and as you can presume, whatever me and her had very quickly broke down, we were trying to practice and our communication with each other was going nowhere, no future no nothing. The last thing that we agreed on was not to fight the parents, as obviously she needs her walis acceptance of the marriage which would and could only be her father, and in the current state it would be a no to me. However, we also agreed that if Allah wants us to be together, He will bring us together no matter what, no matter who and no matter when. The idea of friendship did dwindle on for a week or so after, however i quickly realised from my actions that i still had feelings for her and wanted more. We have stopped contact so im out of that haram, however i truly miss this girl and want/wanted her for my wife. I rethink whether i should have done something more than just leave it with her mothers last words, whether i should have fought and pushed more to marry her, i think whether Allah gave me the means, but because i didnt use them, meaning i didnt push, i lost out on what i was so certain was my future.

What advice can you give for me to move on? Shall i hold onto hope and trust in Allah in terms of Him enabling her to marry me? Im just confused, this really has knocked me hard and you can be assured that i still pray for it everyday even though its been like 4 months since this whole episode panned out, i just dont know what route to take, il be looking to initiate marriage proposals soon, something which iv never ever dreamt of doing, i dont know if il be fit to do so, mentally.

JazakAllahu khairan for your help.

trueseeker

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5 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum brother!

    If you and this girl are fated to be together, you will be together. You both just try your best and at the same time leave the rest to Allah SWT.
    And as for your question whether you should have pushed harder and tried harder, I believe yes. If you both are at the age old enough to make decisions for yourselves, the. You can go ahead with this marriage even without the consent of parents. In Islam, parents cannot force children to marry someone they don't want or to push apart marrying someone they want to marry for no good reason (unless the guy or the girl is not a believer or practicing Muslim).
    Being brought up by a single parent shouldn't be the reason to judge you and reject you. And I m not sure what you meant when you said your family got some magic done to them. You mean your family did some magic to er family or someone did magic on your family? If it is the first reason, then her parents may be justified to be angry with your family for doing such things to them in the past. Then you may need to apologise and try to sort things out with them.Or if it is 2nd, then her family is not justified to reject you. In this case, you can make them like you by trying harder or you can marry with her without their consent.
    Wali doesn't necessarily need to be her father. Wali can be any male from her family or if not then even an imam from a masjid can be a wali.

    May Allah help you and guide you all the way.

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    after reading your profile i can understand how you feel. the best thing to do is move on and remind yourself, you are not alone. so many guys been through that phaze or still going through that . only time will heal. one thing you need to understand is, if you marry a woman, you not just marrying her but marrying into her family, vice-versa applies to her. now if her mother is like that just imagine the chances of making your life a living hell. future mother-inlaw who calls the shots is the something anyone wants to deal with.

    remember, your life doesn't revolve around her, if they can't accept you then too bad cos for you life goes on. so once you look for other potential spouse you would forget about your X. right now mentally you might not be ready, but its not to say you will feel the same in few months or so since humans mind, heart, feelings, thoughts change. that's how people marry, divorce, move on cos nothing is set in stone.

    plenty of beautiful, practising muslimah's around seeking a good spouse like yourself. don't miss out.

    peace.

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    I read you post and I wondered what you wanted. On the surface, it seems you want to marry this girl because you spent time with her and love her. Dig a little deeper and it also seems that what you want and crave for, you want it with ease. This isn't possible always or even most of the time. Think of beauty in nature and how it is always juxtaposed with danger and fear--a beautiful cliff from where you could plunge down, amazing coral in the sea infused with hazardous venom...and in this case, you want to marry this girl because of how she makes you feel, your attachment to her probably makes your heart ache when she isn't there---and yet, if you marry her, you may end up with more problems with her family.

    This life is give and take. You can pursue this more and try to marry her and you may even be successful, but there may be a cost too. All this takes time to ponder and rationalize---things we are unable to do in cloud of emotions. So right now...do you want to marry her with no cost OR do you want to marry her at the cost of other things (like peace of mind or family ties, etc). You have to find out what is worth it for you--and this is a poor way to state it, but sometimes you have to let go of something that is percieved as the most valuable to you to keep going. It doesn't mean it was less valuable, but it means that you surrender to Allah's will and accept that you did your best--but that even your best is not more powerful than His will.

    In other words, I suggest that you stop making a decision in your mind about marrying OR not marrying her. Instead, seek Allah's guidance by accepting what will be--even if it is not inline with your efforts. This is tricky--but it is where peace is--you will be devoid of peace if you feel that Allah swt is compelled to fulfill what you want in this world OR if you are saddened at not getting what you want knowing Allah swt knows how you feel....we have our emotions, we have our failures....but on the other hand, we have our faith in Allah swt that can never be compared to--this is where peace lies--redefine what determines your peace and happiness. (I should have organized what I wanted to say better--but didn't have time)

    May Allah swt help you to find your peace again, Ameen.

  4. Walakumasalam dear brother trueseeker,
    I hope you are feeling better. You asked for sincere advice and every one will write here according to their own calibre.
    First I'm happy for you and her that both were able to stop haram communication and are in pious state now.

    My advice for you is present within your own post
    I RETHINK WHETHER I SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING MORE?

    Yes brother if I was in your place and I had such a great feelings for her then I would pursue things further.

    I will talk to my single parent and clarify about magic thing, who did what to whom in her family?If there is truth or no truth to it ,girls parents need clarification and reassurance.
    You need to show her family how serious and honest you are in seeking her hand. Involve your parent in it and despite full fledge effort if they refuse then at least latter in life you will have no regrets that you didn't try enough.

    Couples are made in heavens. If she is yours ,u will marry her but if not then Allah will not succeed your efforts towards her. Be ready for gain or loss BOTH if you decide to try for her one last time.
    ( this advice is only if your feeling for her on scale of 1 to 10 are 10 + )
    Good wishes.

  5. Wa alaikum salaam i appreciate both the responses, advice and the time taken. Just to clarify, my family had magic done to them unfortunately. Me and the girl are not speaking anymore, so i dont know really whats going on anymore about us and the future. From what i understood she also had lost hope in her parents accepting me as her husband.

    Although i can go marry her without her parents consent, we both know thats not the right way to do it, and can only most likely lead to a very bad result. If i involve my parent, she will be emotionally hurt by the reasons given why the girls parents wont accept me, and i dont think im ready to see or hurt my mother like that. Plus theres still a level of uncertainty, i know people who are trying 2-3 years to get their parents to accept without any positive outcome, and im not sure i want to go through that process.

    I do love this girl, however, i feel trying to pursue her will only cause more problems for everyone, and hurt her even more and make life very difficult for her, like i said, i dont know what shes thinking, but shes probably accepted the situation as it is, her parents are very stubborn, and she suffered abuse patiently for a while, from her parents after telling her parents her desire to marry me.

    I do believe that if we are meant to be without a doubt Allah will arrange the circumstances for it to happen, but i still feel lost kind of, maybe because im moving on and now filling my life with other things. I do appreciate all of the comments and have to say reading through them has put my mind at ease and helped me look at things less emotionally. Allah has helped me a lot, in ways i can directly see, and in ways i cant, i think that is where my endpoint is really, to relinquish all control i have to Allah.

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