Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Stuck in a marriage with no way out

woman tired independant single

Salaam. I am a 25 year old muslim girl. My parents got me married to my cousin in Pakistan. We have been living together in England for four years, but we just do not get on. He doesn't ever listen to me or talk to me about anything. Whenever we have an argument about anything he goes and tells people at work and the family. Everyone knows about every little thing that has happened between us. I don't want to live with him anymore and want a divorce, but my parents don't agree. They blame me for the problems. They think I should just be quiet and listen to everything he says and never answer back. They have tried talking to him as well but he just doesn't listen.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Whenever I try talking to my dad about getting a divorce he shouts at me and tells me to be quiet. My parents are to worried about their izzat that they dont understand that my life is hell with my husband. I have tried getting on with him, but I just can't. We are not compatible.

I do not know what to do. I have no-one to talk to. Not even my parents. Somedays,  I feel like running away somewhere away from this life, but I know that I can't.  So what do I do?

Ambhar


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11 Responses »

  1. Thank you for all your comments. I know its been nearly two years since I posted this question, and thank you for all your advice. Things are still the same, but I can't get divorced because I cant hurt my parents. I know its my life and I should do what's best for me, but if I go through with the divorce then i'll lose my family. So the only way through this is to keep on trying, like I have been for the past six years. Please do dua for me. Jazakallah Khair

  2. aslamlkom i am same situation i am unloved by my first cousin arranged marriage.

    (Remainer of comment, deleted by Editor)

    • Muniba,

      I am sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage, but under no circumstances is it 'ok' to have a relationship with another man whilst married. Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions, and if that means you stop seeing the 'other' man because you are married, then you make yourself stop. If your husband does not treat you well despite all your efforts to make things work, then make a choice to either leave him or stand up tp him. There is always a way forward - albeit sometimes difficult.

      If you wish for detailed advice, please log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. i totally understand yr problem i didnot like my husband since my engagement he has soo many inferority complexses and coz of them he always tries to insults me and goes to ppl and tell them that i am a very bad person and i dont deserve respect. Couple of months back he and his family told they will divorce me but my parents as u called for izzat don want divorce but he misbehaved so much said all bad things abt me to prove that i m not capable to be stayed with finally my family agreed for divorce so he came back to my father and said that he wants me back.
    This is so hard for me his now my family is telling me to take him back he is changed he regrets for what he has done althought from the last 3 years all he has given me is pain and suffering. So many times i wish to die but suicide is haram so i control myself i dont knw even how to end my suffering is death is the only solution.
    My parents dont listen to me at all they think i m destryoing my future by leaviing him i have cried begged them to have mercy i dont want to continue this relationship but all in vain they think i m too stubborn and disobedient all i can do is to pray for u and everyone pray for me

    • As salamu alaykum, sister samia salam

      Please log in and write your question separately, your situation is not the same than the post above, you have self destruction issues, please don´t give up, your problem will have a solution, insha´Allah, I am sure of it, we will look at your situation and between all of us you may find a way out, insha´Allah.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com

    • dear sister im sorry and sympathise with you im in same situaton. i want divorce but husband refuses to listen and treats me horribly im just his arranged married wifey cousin to be obedient. i have told my parents also but they say whatever your decision we support you. but my husband is two face infront of my family he shows affection when we back home he is cold and wants his food and wont ask me to join him. he is greedy and selfish chap.

  4. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    Do not worry for "outward izzat" when your life is troubled and disturbed due to this marriage.

    If you do not see anything working in your favor to give you peace, say Bismillah and take divorce. There is no meaning in being stuck in to a relationship which ruins peace of mind.

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.
    - Surah An Nisaa.

    May Allah ease your way for you.

    Pray to Allah and read Qur'an with meanings. Learn surahs and pray at nights.

    Do charity and help the needy.

    Insha Allah, Allah will ease your way ahead.

    Do not worry for "false outward izaat". Just get out of it, if you cannot endure it. Live a peaceful Islamic life Insha Allah.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

    • It is very easy to say to get a divorce but it is not that simple. I think you are not married that's why you don't understand the sensitivity of this issue .

      People divorce on slightest and stupid excuses and don't even attempt to save the marriage .

      • @ Soul,

        Sister in question has stated her decision already. Only her family is holding her back from divorce.

        In Islam if a person is not able to get peace from married life, they have right to move out of marriage and take divorce if they wish, it is not a compulsion, only if they wish.

        My being married or unmarried is insignificant as Allah has stated His verdict in the Qur'an, if people choose to make peace, Allah has said peace is better, if they wish to separate, Allah says He will give of His abundance.

        128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
        129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
        130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing
        . - Surah An Nisaa.

        Allah commands us to make Him our Goal in life. To seek His to fulfil His purpose, He has given means of marriage to act more better and be better in religion and multiply from two or more from generation to generation and be raiments for each other to comfort and conceal much.

        If this marriage does not work, He has given a way out called divorce.

        The title of the post is " Stuck in marriage with no way out", well, the way out is marriage.

        Salaam,
        Your brother.

      • * Sorry I clicked on submit comment

        *** The way out of every "stuck marriage" is divorce.

        The sister in question is with the guy since 4 years and I believe she must have tried as she is more worried about her life, her parents and the consequences of her actions that us who are just giving "advice".

        She put forward her problem that her parents are not wanting her to divorce the guy as it would not be good for their "reputation", they are not seeing at what their daughter is feeling.

        They may have concerns for reputation, but if the daughter is stuck in marriage and wants to move out, they should help her in it and not care of "outward show of reputation".

        You should ask yourself, why would a person want divorce after 4 years of being someone's wife?

        She must be having problems. We respect her decision, and we only recommend her to choose the best for herself looking at her situation and not allow life to get disturbed that it harms her Deen and dunya.

  5. As salamu alaykum, sister Ambhar,

    Communication is one of the Pillars of Marriage life, no way out of this, if you cannot talk, listen and share, I don´t see the point of living together, but it seems to me you are terribly angry with your husband because he made your intimacy a part of everybody´s life and you haven´t forgiven him for this yet, and your anger has grown and grown till the desperation you are living right now.

    You want to divorce and you want to divorce this is very clear through your words, but I don´t think your efforts to try to save this marriage have been enough, this is my personal opinion, and I tell you why I think this way, because you didn´t forgive with all your Heart and you weren´t able to find a bridge to communicate with your husband inside of a respectful enviroment, then you still have duties to accomplish in your marriage, Alhamdulillah, and get out of it is not one of them, insha´Allah.

    Sister at the end you can do or try as you wish, but I would like to share with you how you can give a try to your marriage, what I would like you to do is do it from Heart, because with the attitude you wrote the post is it doesn´t matter what I do, this is a disaster, I want to scape, with this attitude you will enter and go out of the situation the same. Then if you want to give it a try I will share some tips for you to think about, insha´Allah.

    ...Ask Allah(swt) to help you to forgive and to ask for forgiveness when you have hurt the others.
    ...It is obvious you don´t trust each other, you have been judgemental one with the other. Settle a way of unconditional respect and the boundaries about what should be said to the others. Intimacy is intimacy.
    ...Talk trying to solve not looking for fight or trying to have the reason.
    ...Refuge on Allah(swt) from the whisperings from Shaytaan.
    ...Spend with him, quality time, get to know her deeply, not just what he does, learn who he is.

    There is a post I´ve just answered that may give you some more tips, insha´Allah.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wife-hates-me

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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