Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What is a marriage without trust?

man talking on cell phone while driving, cell phone

My husband and I have been together for two years. I am currently pregnant with the baby due any day now. My husband is a good provider by Allah's leave and a good father figure to my child from a previous relationship.

The issue is, I truly love my husband but I just don't trust him anymore. There have been several incidents over the past year that brought me to this point. First, I overheard an "inappropriate" conversation he had with another woman. I confronted him, and he ultimately apologized. After that, I began to occasionally sneak and check his cell phone because the trust was broken and I was paranoid. A few months later, one of his co-workers text him a picture of her private parts. I confronted him on that, and his response was "I shouldn't be touching his phone." He ultimately apologized for "saving" the picture on his phone...

At that point - we sat down with a couple of family members to discuss our issues, and I thought he and I were getting on the right track...TWO WEEKS later, he tells me that he was intended to a different woman on his job. At the time, we'd just found out I was pregnant, so that zapped all of the joy out of my experience. There was tension, fighting, sleepless nights and lots of tears for a solid month. Mind you, he does not meet the requirements to take on a second wife at this point...we're just making ends meet at our home, inshallah. And when I married him, he understood clearly that I had no desire to be a part of polygamy at all.

A week ago, I came across a condom in his bag...which he says he found in the house. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt there, because last year we have two teenage boys living with us and I found a condom in their room. At the same time, in light of everything that has happened between my husband and I, I'm nervous that he is cheating. For the last couple of months, he has been very secretive with his cell phone (it's with him at all times, even when he sleeps).

At this point, I'm disgusted and tired of feeling like marriage is a joke to him. I'm convinced this is not what Allah intended for me. I've prayed for our marriage...I've cried a million tears when I'm alone. I told my husband that the combination of these experiences were very hurtful to me. I expressed to him that it's been difficult to forgive him because when I do, something else happens. I want him to stop hiding his cell phone and be more transparent, and I've told him this as well. His response was that it's his personal property and he doesn't have to do that. He insists that he's not hiding anything, but I don't believe him. Since he's the one that broke the trust, shouldn't he work a little harder to repair it if he wants to keep this marriage? At this point, I feel as though I should be preparing myself to divorce or at least separate. I'd rather live alone than to live a lie. Am I overreacting?

-TruthSeeker


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23 Responses »

  1. Salam Truthseeker,

    You are definitely not overreacting here. He obviously doesn't want you looking at his cell phone because the chances are that there are things on there that aren't meant for you to see. Before you jump the gun here, ask him to sit down with you...again. You need to remind him why you married him and how much you love him and care for him. Tell him that since you saw the photos and heard his conversation that you are having a hard time trusting him and believing what he says. Let him know that it's not that you don't want to trust him but his behavior and constant need to have his cell phone with him is fueling the way you feel. I certainly cannot imagine any woman feeling any differently than you do after all, you are only human.

    I will keep you in my prayers that you will be able to work through this together. With the birth of a little one around the corner, maybe he can use his cell phone for better things like taking pictures of the newest member of the family! The best of luck to both of you.

  2. Dear TruthSeeker

    I am sorry to hear about your situation, it’s never easy to deal with infidelity (of any sort). You have a right to feel confused and hurt. In fact, trust was broken. You both now suffer the consequences of that break: You feel hurt and become more suspicious and your husband gets irritated with the over suspicion.

    No relationship can survive without trust. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship is built
    What may arouse suspicion should be avoided at all the costs. If your husband is suspicious you need to be more careful. Hiding his cellphone, receiving inappropriate messages from women and hiding condoms in his car are all signs that you need to be more careful.

    The first thing you need to do is to ask yourself if you are ready to forgive your husband for what he has done (he could be still doing this to you, so you need to tell that this behaviour has got to stop). If you think you will be able to, I think you need to sit down with him and let him know what is bothering you.

    Tell him exactly how you are feeling…about your fears, insecurities, and any other concerns. It is important that you put everything out on the table and let him know what it is you are going through. Trust is by far the most important part of any relationship so you need to start rebuilding it as soon as possible. If he's not willing to change, then it's not worth staying with him.

    Rumaysa

  3. Dear Sister,

    Najah and and Rumaysa have both give you good answers. This man has demonstrated that he is not trustworthy and not faithful, and clearly he has not changed. I think you are right to be mentally girding yourself for separation or divorce. I know it's not an easy thing to contemplate, especially with a child on the way. But your husband has not left you any way to stay in the marriage and maintain your self respect.

    I suggest that you give him an ultimatum. Tell him to come clean, stop being secretive and hiding his phone, and that if you find him doing anything inappropriate in the future, the marriage will be over. He needs to know just how serious you are.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. masaAllah dear sister great advise... may Allah bless u.. contineing ur success, love ur qoute:)

  5. MashaAllah great advise

  6. dear sister,

    so sad to read ur story, i coulnt imagine Ur situation is really exactly what haappen to me in my marriege life, the different is that we have 2 years old son, dealing with infedility husband make u forget ur self to be happy, u live in life like misery at all espcialy if u hve so much love to ur husband isnt it? my husband cheated me since im pregnant, same as u said , cell phone, emails, chatting witj women thats the life of my husband. many times i confronted him but hes not confessing that he cheated me but i ve seen him many times talking in the cell phones, txting sweet messages with women, in fact my best friend saw them outside mall having a shopping with his women, and the worst is that he rented a flat for that women, all days hes lying to me, those hours that he spent to his women, he said he s on meeting with faculties, he did that almost everyday. im living all alone wiyh my son, he spent time to my son a cuople of minutes then he go out after that, he said he have meeting with his friends, same as what u said, i lost my trust on him , i ve cried million tears if im alone, sometimes while im praying i lost my concentaration, i ve cried, cried a lot about my marriege life, im being soo much depressed, i felt all days bad. just months ago i asked my husband to divorce or separation but he dont want, until this moment he still denying,

    over and over again same situation, im praying to Allah to heal my broken heart, grant tranqulity me in my heart mind , praying to may Allah erase my love for him so that i won't get hurt again and again, i move out from our bedroom and i stayed another room which the same house but not close to our bedroom to avoid not seeing him, days passed by Alhamdulilah, im little bit fine , i move on by my self, in my mind i should not spent my whole life crying for him for he dont care about me, i should not hoping on him and relying my life on him. life is blessing and im not disable person,can live peacefully speding time with my son and giving all my love to my son this the best way to emerge my life happiness just to my son and my family that who care and loves me, Allah grant me good healht why do i ruin it? Allah grant us mind , to think well... i wish too u too dear sister ,InshaAllah Allah heal ur broken heart , do some extra faith , cry all ur problem to Allah,for Allahbe is the best answer, if ever we're lucky not to get a good husband,in the next life we will have that best best husband ever biidniAllah.

    i hve a beautiful qoute for u;

    Some things are beyond planning.
    And life doesn't always turn out as planned.
    You don't plan for a broken heart.
    You don't plan for an autistic child.
    You don't plan for spinsterhood.
    You don't plan for a lump in your breast.

    You plan to be young forever.
    You plan to climb the corporate ladder.
    You plan to be rich and powerful.
    You plan to be acclaimed and successful.
    You plan to conquer the universe.
    You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.

    You don't plan to be sad.
    You don't plan to be hurt.
    You don't plan to be broke.
    You don't plan to be betrayed.
    You don't plan to be alone in this world.
    You plan to be happy.
    You don't plan to be shattered .

    Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.
    But MOST times, what you want and what you get are
    two different things.

    We, mortals, plan. But so does Allah (SWT) in the heavens.
    Sometimes, it is difficult to understand Allah's plans especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours .

    Often, when He sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger.
    True, we cannot choose what Allah wishes us to carry,
    but we can carry it with courage
    knowing that He will never abandon us
    nor send something we cannot cope with .

    Sometimes, Allah breaks our spirit to save our soul.
    Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.
    Sometimes, He allows pain so we can be stronger.
    Sometimes, Allah sends us failure so we can be humble.
    Sometimes, He allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves.
    And sometimes, Allah takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us

    Make plans, but understand that we live by Allah's grace.

    Although they plan, Allah also plans. And Allah is the Best of Planners.
    [Holy Qur'an 8:30]

  7. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. The baby is here now, and we both seem to be most focused on her well being at this point. I continue to seek Allah's help for our marriage that my husband and I both overcome these challenges, and I pray that each of you find success in your marriages and family, insha Allah.

    • As salamu alaykum, TruthSeeker,

      Congratulations, your baby is here, Alhamdulillah, you sound more in Peace now, Alhamdulillah.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Slm,
    My eyes are filled with tears. I really feel your pain my dear sister. I have also been through a patch of infidelity. It is not easy to trust again especially when the other party has never made an effort to prove their loyalty to you, instead a series of events have only revived that mistrust and suspicion once again. Its an on-going internal battle of torn ad bitter emotions. I don't think he will be physical with anyone again, but I canthelp my wandering thoughts about who he sits and texts all day, who he sends so many emails to, why can he not part with his phone. He is literally addicted to it. He can not sleep if he does not check it. I am also not allowed to touch his phone. We dont have access to each others email passwords although when we got married he gave them to me so I would trust him and a few months later he changed them all and havent given them to me. That makes me even more suspicious. Its like a step back from earning my trust again. 🙁 I am only married a year now, I dont have children, but I spend a lot of time alone crying. I feel unhappy as I have been a very faithful person all my life. I saved my purity for my husband and I find it hard to accept that I have been given a marriage like this! Otherwise he is a good person, I really love him but I hate this weakness of his. He says that He has a weakness for women, he cant help but to be friendly to all because it is his 'nature' etc. Doesnt he understand that that friendliness eventually leads to Zina! 🙁 please keep me in your prayers. I know I am not alone in this world. We all go through similar challenges. Allah make it easy for us all and grant us goodness and happiness Aameen. Thanks for allowing me to express my feelings here as I do not have anyone to talk to about this matter Wslm

    • Salam I hope you get this dear please how is your marriage now did things get better or worse because am going through the same thing you went through the only difference is my marriage is 4years now and I have 2children and am planning to leave him because hes getting worse every day.reply if you get this please.

  9. Assalamualaikum readers,
    My life is a web of misery at the moment. My husband has cheated on me a few times. I found this out when I saw the messages on his phone. He cheated twice before marriage and when I was pregnant , and all those times he denied and didn't give any explanation. I dunno why I still stayed on with the wedding and marriage- probably this is Allah's test. Tomorrow we are going on a holiday, so today when I was clearing his bag to put in my clothes and the baby's I found 2 condoms. My heart just broke to pieces. He is not home yet and I do not know how to confront him and I dun even wish to go on a holiday anymore. I am a very emotional person and he will always raise his voice at me and I end up just crying and not saying what I really feel.
    Should I go behind his back and tell his parents about this? All this time I hide his bad doings as I want to be a faithful Muslim wife but right now I am just heartbroken and angry that he deceived me and my baby. Please give me some advice an may Allah give us guidance to get through this.

    • Hani, please log in and write your question as a separate post. If you want my brief advice, personally I would leave him instantly. I would pack my bags and be gone, period. I could never remain in a relationship with the other person is cheating on me.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. And if am the one, i would not react instantly, i would cool down and when he come, i would confront him with the issue and see if he will be remorseful. If he promise never to do it again or rue over what he did, i may give him another chance to see if he truly change. But if he proove's himself arrogant or repeat the same mistake again, i would instantly leave him and also inform his parents

  11. Nadyne,

    No man is worth shedding a million tears for over adultery.You need to think back about how you gave yourself to this man to spend your life with. You gave him a son by Allah's grace and how does he thank you? He cheats like a common whore. It's time to take a stand for yourself and dry your tears away. Your husband may say he does not want to divorce you but you do not have to sit by whilst he commits zina and do nothing about it. He could acquire a sexually transmitted disease and pass it on to you Allah forbid. You have rights in Islam as a woman, you are not a rug for him to wipe his feet on as he pleases! Talk with your family and seek help. You do not deserve to live this way another day.

    Salam

  12. Am also going throuh the same thing.he has even rentered an apartment and tells me that i can not come with my two kids to stay with him but can only visit but should stay in his nuclure family home.

  13. Salaam. I myself am married almost 3 years. My husband has cheated on me many times. When I found out he says what is wrong in talking to women. Its my nature. I did not do anything bad.

    Sisters, does any man say that he loves her on the phone. Request her to come to room. Or ask that woman to take him to hers? Just as a friend.

    My doubts got worse when I found out pills and medicine in his drawer when I returned from a trip. We never used such things for sexual excitement in our past years together.

    When I question him he gets irritated and comes home late. He avoids me. He wants me to not talk about the issue.

    Which make things worse my suspision strong.
    Am praying for peace. I dont know what to do now. This is so painful. This all Allah testing me. I dont know what Allah plans for me. Is it patience or is Allah giving signs for me to quit my marriage.

    A very hard decesion to make coz I dont know which is right. To quit or to move forward.

    Thnx

  14. aoa all,

    • areesh, your question will be published in the order it was received. The wait time is at least 3 months.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • wael please i request u publish it in these days
        i need help right these days
        i need advises suggestion compassion currently as i am going through a very tough time.

  15. Dear sisters, Asalamu Aleykum. To. All of you who speak about their husbands cheating on them and etc. I would advise you to speak it out to him , and get the point across, if they don’t contemplate upon it or disregard it, I would say please Allah(SW) didn’t create you to be miserable or to (for the lack of a better term) to suck up to him, if he doesn’t recognize you as his wife , and doesn’t take care of the responsibility he has over you. And if the guy is cheating on you , that’s not even islamically alloowed , so just go for a divorce, although that is hard, I know. Brace yourself, and ask Allah to help you through it . I will stress it again, please , DONT waste your life for someone who doesn’t recognize your worth.

    ( although I am not married, I heard this things around me , and it breaks my heart to know , that women have to endure this, apart from taking care of the house, children etc.)

    As for those sisters who are not married yet, I would advise you to go ahead and check for the guys background( if he is a practicing Muslim or those dating,girl....guys. I hope that helps. I ask Allah (SW) to help us Muslims and guide to the straight path. Asalamu Aleykum Wa Rahmatu Allahi Wa Barakatuh.❤️❤️❤️

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