Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage: Young & Confused

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5 years ago, I started crushing on my cousin in law when I first met him at my cousin (and his brother's) wedding. We live like 400 miles apart, so we don't see each other often so I would have expected to totally get over it, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all. I saw him and his family about 2 months ago when they came, and I think I've fallen in love with him! My cousin (who knows about my feelings for him) told me a lot about him and he seems like such a wonderful guy, I also observed him a lot myself and I was very impressed. Ever since I saw him again 2 months ago, I've been thinking endlessly about him and marriage/love. I seem to have an obsession with marriage now.

But the problem is, I'm fairly young. However I am mature, and I am not just saying it in favor of myself. I have been through a lot, and I'm still going through a tough time so I have no choice but to be mature in general. Growing up, I always felt like I was different from the other kids but didn't quite know what it was, but I later started to see after I realized most of my friends were older than me, and they say I'm mature, also I guess it became really obvious when I realized every time I met someone new, I would spend at least 2 minutes convincing them of my actual age, because they always thought me to be 2-4 years older than I actually was. But despite my "maturity", I still think it would be inappropriate to be seriously thinking of marriage because I'm not even done high school yet even though I would really love to get married.

The man I'm in love with is 9 years older than me, so there's really no way of approaching him without an elder. My cousin keeps pushing me to do something before his family finds a wife for him, but I don't know what to do, I'm extremely shy and I am not comfortable talking to my parents cause we don't have that kind of relationship. One of my uncles, keeps saying he's gonna find a husband for me, at first I took it as a joke but I later realized he was serious. Most of my female cousins here got married when they were 21, straight out of college.

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do, I'm very confused and it's killing me especially because I feel like I'm wasting time and if I take my sweet time the guy I love will marry another woman.. please help 🙁


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8 Responses »

  1. My dear sweet sister, Asalaamualaykum,

    'Big Hug' from me to you :O) You sound adorable maashaAllah. You didnt mention how young you are, but you said you haven't finished high school yet, so you are around 16?

    Sister, wanting to marry is a good thing. I do not believe that any 'one' age is the correct age for a girl to marry. Instead I believe that it depends strongly upon the level of maturity of the girl, the nature/character of the prospective groom and the situation and to my understanding this is the Islamic view too. So to say you are too young to marry is not necessarily the case.

    Islamically, a girl is supposed to have a Wali. The role of the Wali is not to order who you can and cannot marry, rather it is to ensure that whoever you do marry is suitable for you. So ideally, if you are interested in someone or if someone is interested in you for marriage, your Wali will make the necessary enquiries for you and he may be the one to chaperone your meetings with the prospective.

    Is there anyone who you trust and feel comfortable speaking to that can speak to your parents about this matter, i.e. your cousin or your uncle? The point is little Sis, if you don't take that step, you may very well lose the opportunity. There is nothing wrong with you stepping forward and showing an interest in a halaal manner, for example, when Khadija(ra) was interested in marrying the Messenger of Allah(sws), she informed her family. A woman also presented herself directly to the the Messenger of Allah(sws) and proposed to him directly, he rejected with a silence. But the point is is that there is no shame in a woman making a proposal directly or through someone else.

    I appreciate that you are quite young and may not have much experience of talking directly to men especially for this purpose, so I highly recommend that you confide in a family member. If you present yourself as confident and ready for this jourey, i.e. that this proposal may be rejected, and you talk well, there is more chance that your family will feel that you are mature and sensible enough to pursue marriage.

    I have an article called '10 Ways to avoid marrying the wrong person', and I will add some of the details here shortly insha'Allah. In the meantime, I want you to this: 'What are you looking for in a spouse?' Could you possibly reply here with an answer to this question?

    SisterZ Editor

  2. **************** call me
    (Phone number deleted by Editor)

    • Aamir,

      Who are you giving your phone number to?

      Please refrain from posting such information here.

      SisterZ Editor

    • I take by your name your a muslim, its time you ACT like one, your leaving your number and asking a muslim sister to call you ?, are you out of your mind, she posted the question to be answered on here, not for numbers to call random people, your wrong, i suggest you FIX UP! and mend your ways brother, if you have anything to say post on the website not leave your number.

  3. Salaam, its in your hands sister, and while it still is you should follow the above advice and notify your parents, from what you write you have shown your maturity mashaAllah, but what you feel inside only you know, if you feel you are ready then make your step forward and inshaAllah it will work out for you.

    All the best

  4. Asalaam alaikum,

    I just wanted to share a small story. Last year, there was a wedding in my community between a young girl of 16 and her male cousin. Alhamdulillah, the parents were very supportive of them, because since it was a family marriage, they knew that the strong bonds of family would not leave either bride or groom stranded on the way side. She actually moved across the country to be with her new husband and finish school there, as well.

    When the families support a beautiful union such as this, then marriage is certain and a wonderful gesture of love, Subhan'allah. I think you may be surprised that be involving your parents or your uncle to approach your parents, that you will see that they may well be happy and supportive of you. Prepare your mind and heart, confer with the sisters here about what marriage means and talk to some of your female family members who are married to see what life is like for them.

    I'll make dua for you and pray that Allah (swt) gives you the best of this life. I hope you find marriage a comfort and a blissful refuge, Insha'allah.

  5. Masha' Allah !!!

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