Marriage, zina, adultery…
Hello there, I am from Pakistan . I got married 4 months back. The problem is it was an arranged marriage. So I did not get to Know much about my wife. I thought that she was chaste . But she and her family hid the fact that she was married before. I found out about a month ago. Not only that she also had an abortion before. I told her family and they are telling me to forgive her. I mean how dare they. They decieved me.
Unfortunately my parents are not alive and I dont have any siblings. I dont have much connection with my relatives ever since my parents death. So I was really annoyed at her. I tried talking to her about divorce but she and her parents would always try to persuade me. And when ever i would try to talk to her about it she would ignore me or avoid the conversation.
Three weeks back I got really mad and started calling her slangs like prostitute and I told her that when she was born she came out of her mothers backside and called her family names and then we got into a fight and i hit her a couple of times.
Then she told her parents and they started mistreating me, they also ganged up and beat me up and mentally tortured me there were all kinds of abuse.
Im really frustrated and depressed I feel like dying. I feel so humiliated and pissed. I perform 5 times salah along with tahajjud. I never ever even hurted anyones feelings I dont even smoke. Everything was okay until this narcissistic women and her family came to my life.I dont have any family and friends im a loner so i dont have any support. They filed a women abuse case against me they are animals nobody ever thought abt how i felt people thinks that im the culprit they dont knw wat they did to me her family and her. Im so frustrated . Please advice me what i should do.
Ahmad11
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Assalaamualaikam
I can understand that you would feel hurt and betrayed upon finding out that your wife and her family didn't tell you that she had a previous marriage and had had an abortion. But there is absolutely no excuse for what you have done. A husband is meant to be the protector of his wife, not someone who is verbally and physically abusive.
You have the right to be angry, you have the right to be upset, you have the right to request divorce if you feel the marriage cannot be saved. But you never, EVER, have the right to be violent to your wife.
If you want to save your marriage, I suggest that you approach her family and request to talk with her and a trusted male relative of hers. Ask her about this past marriage, the abortion, and why she did not feel able to tell you. She may have wanted to share these things but not felt able to. She may have already repented for her actions and be trying to move on with her life in accordance with Islam, in which case she may not have wanted to bring up these things from her past. If you don't feel able to move past these things, then it's probably kindest to consider divorce, so that you both can find happiness elsewhere.
I'm really concerned that you don't seem to see where your own actions have been wrong. You talk about yourself as the injured party, and your wife as "this narcissistic woman", yet you have been verbally and physically abusive to her. It seems to me that you both may be better apart, and that you need to reconsider what makes someone a good man - look to the example set by our Beloved Prophet, peace be upon him, who never raised his hand to his wives and spoke kindly to them. You may wish to consider going on a marriage advice course, and/or anger management classes.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Bismillah
Abuse is not something i can comment on personally and I don't have much islamic knowledge about it.
The fact she was married before should not make any difference as there is a hadice written about it.
The abortion you need to consult a scholar wheather it was done according to islamic guidelines and take action from there.
Read quran continue to pray 5 times a day ask Allah for help.
If they hit you, beat you up make sure you take pictures go to the doctor get a report and file a police report
Be TRUTHFUL no matter what
Its a decision you need to make.
Either you want to live with her if yes then lots of dua and hard work on your marriage is necessary, within a blink of an eye Allah can change everything. Or another way is with keeping all your faith in Allah, you leave her as soon as possible and try to start all over again hoping to have the best life you can.
You cant control her life or her decision its upto her how she wants to be with you, all you can do is try your best. However, what you can control is yourself, the way you see, the way you feel, your anger and your life. Make some friends, divert your priorities, aim to become the best person, be the best version of yourself and dont worry about her and look towards your future. You dont need to stay in prison, when the doors is so wide open. Its your life and you have all the rights to take the healthy decisions for it.
Shine like a whole universe is yours. Go for it lad.
Finally, try and talk to someone who you feel would understand and be able to give you the correct advice.
I am in the same situation, I am writing this from my experience and I tried this and it helps. But, everyone is different.
I am quoting few sayings by Rumi as I am a poetry lover 😉
"Ignore those that make you fearful and sad, that degrade you back towards disease and death"
"Run from what's comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on I'll be mad"
Better divorce her and live a peaceful life .If you continue you might behave in much bad ways and i don't think any future here .
Yes , they have cheated you in bigger way and it will spoil your mental peace and it forced you to behave in bad ways .
How can he be forced to to call her a prostitute and then striking her?
He is wrong to call her with bad names and other stuff .
But root cause is the LIE which is a big lie in subcontinent context and nobody can tolerate such lies after marriage .
Rather than continuing life with anger of those lies told by his wife and in laws and fighting in anger because of that and then mis behaving with wife ,It is better to get separated and take divorce.
First things first. You're a loner and it is possible Allah has given you a partner. You have a woman with a past. Everyone has a past. You should do the right thing and honour that woman and respect her as you're now married to her. Make it work bro. I understand you're angry but it is better to forgive as a Muslim. Who knows it may be the reason of your forgiveness. She's had a bad past and so have you so don't make it worse. Sit down with her and the family and explain your self. But forgive and come to a good outcome. All the best.
whats the matter with you is being divorced makes you a sinner?. whats the problem in it you wanted to marry a virgin and thats why you beat your wife and in return they beat you up and you became innocent.
when you beat and abuse your wife and call her haram di then its very fair to file a report against violence. you are not admitting your mistake ap ne mara tu unhon ne mara ap tu aisay keh rahy ho jaisay ap ki biwi ne ap ko maar k ap ki hi f.i.r katwa di .
She has hidden the details about her past marriage, but you cannot say that she's not a chaste woman. Getting married and divorced Islamically doesn't make a woman unchaste. Being Pakistani, I can see you still cling onto the dominant Hindu traditions and mentality of Pakistan. And you don't know the circumstances behind her abortion.
Shame on you for hitting her and calling her a prostitute. It's okay for you to strike her and abuse her, but it's suddenly not okay for her family to retaliate? If you can't handle it, then don't dish it out in the first place. I don't understand why Pakistani men think they are so entitled.
She shouldn't have hidden her past from you, and that's her fault. But you are the bigger perpetrator here and you are definitely not the victim. She might have hidden it for a multitude of reasons mainly because how divorce is grossly stigmatized in a country like Pakistan.
Be a man, and for Allah's sake have some reham on your wife. If you want to save your marriage, then talk to her personally about what happened to her in the past, not in annoying tone, but in a soft calm manner so she can easily open up to you. Let go of your ego, communicate with her, patch things up and start afresh with the blessings of Allah.
However, if you feel you can't handle it, then simply divorce her. But keep in mind that in this case, you would have titles of 'divorcee' and 'abuser/wife beater'. And you MUST mention this fact to the next woman you plan on marrying, or else you would be guilty of the same 'crime' of your current wife. Think about it carefully.
Times are changing in Pakistan, and no sane woman would tolerate such emotional and physical abuse.
I don't think he needs to tell next woman that he is divorcee and was abuser because after marriage "Past is Past" dialogue will be repeated .
His current actions will become PAST soon.After next marriage if his wife finds out the truth t then people can advise her "Please forgive ,Past is Past and Nobody is perfect" ,the way people advising him to forget his wife's big lie of second marriage and abortion .
A repeat of same pattern .
I never said his wife was right in hiding her past. She made her choice.
And he made his. He could have simply divorced her as was his right, but he chose to do this instead - "Three weeks back I got really mad and started calling her slangs like prostitute and I told her that when she was born she came out of her mothers backside and called her family names and then we got into a fight and I hit her a couple of times."
This man is now an emotional abuser and a wife beater.
And he still thinks he's the victim.
He should divorce her and just stay single.
tell her talaq and leave you will find a great woman one day
Assalaamualaykum Ahmad,
I agree with Warglaives,' midnightmoon's, Abdullah's and sugar monroe's advice. You have a lot of things to rethink to gain a better perspective on your situation, and may Allah guide you in this.
Salam,
Nor
A relationship started with lies and betray of trust is much like trying to built a multi story house on mud foundations. Not necessary your wife is of bad character, a divorce and abortion does not make her prostitute but she is part of game they played with you. Likely they deceive you into this relationship because you are lone and lack the support to fight back. In other words easy prey.
Choice is yours, either stay with liar, manipulative family and wife or cut your loses at this point and move on for good. But if you decide to stay, stop abusing your wife and bring her history back. Guilt trips and abuse is not going to serve you or her any better nor that going to change her past and lies.
You BEAT her, ABUSED her. OF COURSE her family will protect her. OF COURSE they will file a violence case against you.
They lied? REALLY wrong and horrible. If you cant live with the fact that she was married before, separate from her. But you have NO RIGHT to hit her and ABUSE her.