Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married and committed zina

Hope versus Hopelessness

As'salamu alaikum

Hope everyone is doing good with the grace of Allah.

Before I begin my story..
I would like to say few things
It took me lot of courage to write in these website
And here I am going to reveal my dirty sin i have done and the consequence I am facing

I was married 6 years back with my cousin and it was a love marriage . And our marriage wasnt going well , he turned out to be greedy for my dad's wealth and many more things that has weaken our relation.
I didnt give up on him and still love him despite of all harm he was causing me and my family , I thought maybe one day the warmth of my love will bring some change in him which never did.
On the year 2014 I was blessed with a baby boy Al hamdu lillah and I was going through depression and I didnt have his support.
One day I was browsing Facebook of a friend named Xy and her bf was have posted some things which made me curious to see him and when I saw him I fell attracted to his looks , aftwr all these years why did I feel such and why on him when he already loves someone ..I could not forget him .
So I thought I will act as anonymous and express my feeling and never talk to him .
Maybe that will be help me .
And I created a fake fb and started writing him my feelings and one day I sended him friend request and he accepted.
When he saw so many message he was shocked and was like so excited and asked for my no.
I dint give ..so we started talking as anonymous and I confessed my identity to him and he said he is not in talking term with his gf.
Thing went good since 4 months. We never had any kind of dirty talk and neither I met him.
On Jan 2015 I met him first and I don't know when he saw me, he touched me and got intimate with me ..I could not stop him and on the first meeting we unexpectedly did everything.
And since then for 6 month we met and got intimate.
Everything in haram seemed beautiful and I was happy and I felt like I got the days of my college back . I used to groom up for him, get new dress and spend money on expensive things.cos he use to boast my self esteem and I always tried to be higher on his eyes and I did everything so that he doesn't returns to his ex and I was successful but not for long.
Meanwhile his family was looking suitable groom for him and he informed me , but he said if I wish to marry him , I have to leave my baby and go to him. Which I dint want.

After a month he got married and a day before his nikah he behaved so badly with me and blocked me
All these time I was flying and suddenly I fell from height and then I realised what I have done. I could not forget him and neither could I stay in peace. I was in miserable state and moreover I could not say it to anyone. I started my prayers and asked Allah forgivesness and for 3 months I kep t myself away from everything
Suddenly he text me on 4th month saying he wants to meet me ..I told him you are married now , he said he married for his family and stuff and his wife isint so nice looking
I dint agree first but later I went weak and agreed to meet him and was waiting desperately to see him
He stopped communicating for a month again and one day I called him
He was behaving and talking to me like I am some cheap person , he told me go and make your family right , we dint do.anything good and maybe I might not meet you and text me if you wish or else it's ok..
He didn't even go through what I have, he got a good religious girl, and now after using me he treats me like junk.
And we are not in touch but like stupid I keep hope what if he comes to me..what if I see him somewhere and truth is I can't forget him
I want to get him out my mind like he did and be normal
Please help me .

anon93

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21 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister

    Thank you for sharing your heart out. I can feel how much it is difficult.

    Though Zina is one of the worst sins anyone can commit; but remember that ALLAH SWT is there and would forgive you if you really ask for forgiveness with a true and sincere heart.

    Read Surah Yasin regularly and pray for yourself.

    The best you could do is to be sincere to your husband and care for your kid's future. You will soon be ok.

    Mahmood

  2. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE ?YOU ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE WAS YOU TIME COMES TO AN END.THE ANGELS ARE RECORDING EVERY ACTION YOU DO SINCE THE TIME YOU COME INTO THIS WORLD.YOU HAVE ALOT OF WORK TODO.THOSE WHO CHOOSE A LIFE OF FUN AND GAMES LUST DECIET LIES ETC.WILL GET THERE HARD LIFE IN THIS WORLD.THOSE WHO OBEY THE COMMANDMENTS OF ALLAH AND TEACHINGS OF MUHAMMAD WILL LIVE A LIFE OF EASE CALMNESS AND OF FULL OF BLESSINGS. THE MAIN REASON WHY YOU HAVE THIS IN YOUR MIND BECAUSE YOUR HEART IS DIRTY.YOUR SOUL NEEDS FOOD !!!SHAITAN IS EVER PRESENT TO ATTACK YOU WHEN THERE IS NO REMEBERANCE OF ALLAH NO ZIKR NO SALAT. OH BY THE WAY IF YOU DIDNT NOTICE OR TO BLIND TO SEE THE TRUTH.......PEOPLE AND WEAK MUSLIMS GUYS ESPECIALLY ONLY USE PEOPLE FOR SEX .WHY NOT .THEY SAY LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.SO WHY NOT ENJOY ALL KINDS OF WOMEN .DO YOU REALLY THINK YOUR THAT SPECIAL? Why do you think a man needs viagra and women has her play toys. do you think living without a person is fun everyday of your lives.Look at the divorce rate .It is the kids that get affected.You need to wake up.The scholors say less then 5% of myslims pray 5 times a day and 1% pray with devotion and concentration!!!This is the first thing that will be taken account of on the day of judgement.By the way your body is a trust from Allah.It will be answerable to how it was used.The mouth will seal and the limbs will be given speech of what they use to do.Good luk and dont lie it will comeback to you.This is the law of Allah

    • Brother what makes you so high and mighty that you have reply with capitals to the OP? We all make mistakes in life - some bigger than others. I bet you've probably done worse than the sister, if not worse then at least you've made some mistakes in your life and sinned just like the rest of us.

      Your way of speaking harshly to the OP is the reason why many people consider Muslims to be the worst of Gods people. Everyone makes mistakes in life. Give advice in a respectful manner or don't give advice at all.

      • I agree with brother asim. This woman has sinned & clearly is just in need of guidance. Your comments come across harsh & rude. If you repent with a clear heart & the right intentions then there is no reason why Allah (swt) won't forgive you.

    • Salaam Brother,

      This website is to give advise and help others who are in difficult situations. Not for criticizing their mistakes.

      She has posted on this website to get advise from muslims who will show her how to repent and move forward in life. If she wanted abuse and criticism from people then she would not have posted on this site about her problems in her life.

      She has realized her mistake and is asking for words of support and guidance. If you have nothing beneficial to contribute then it is better not to post anything at all.

      Your post consists of only abuse and criticism but no solution.

      May Allah guide you.

  3. Ahh!! The matter of hearts !!! You need to cut off all ties with that person. He is now married and just using you he doesn't love you which is showed by his harsh behaviour. If you ever feel urge to txt him or call him just have a look at your son and think about his future and how it will affect your kid. I know it is difficult for you in absence of a caring husband but just focus on your married life. May Allah ease your pain.

  4. You have done the worst sin and have crossed all limits .you all never get peace and happiness if this is your life style .i have not seen you mentioning fear of Allah but just upset because he dumped you ..you need to change yourself first in a good way

  5. You are basically a whore for him. In his eyes, you are a cheap and easy woman who he can call for sexual pleasure whenever he feels the need. You have no morality, since you don't care that you are married, or that he is married. This is similar to a prostitute. If that is what you want for yourself, then by all means continue.

    Readers can criticize me and say I'm being harsh, but I see no true remorse in this woman. She is only upset because this man is now treating her badly and not calling her anymore. Where is her taqwa? Where is her fear of Allah on Yawm al-Qiyamah, or fear of the Hellfire which she is plunging herself toward? Where is her respect for her husband and herself? Where is the basic sense of decency, not to betray another human being in this way? This woman is deeply selfish and narcissistic, caring only that this cheating man makes her "feel good".

    It is our job at this website to guide those who are ready to be guided. People who do shameful things can only be helped if they actually feel shame. This is why the Prophet (sws) said, "If you feel no shame, do as you wish."

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salam Wael,

      You said readers could criticize you :). Anyway, it's not as bad as that and she's not a whore to him. This happens to some people. She had a marriage at its 6 year mark where her feelings have died down for her husband and the relationship isn't as enjoyable. Then here comes this guy she finds really attractive. She first convinces herself that it will be just a talk so it goes further, then she convinces her self that it will just be a meet up and it goes way further. But once she's committed zina she convinces herself that if she's done it once she's already in trouble, doing it again won't cost much more.

      And in this way something that is attractive and forbidden seems even more pleasing than before and drives the relationship to the point where he is willing to marry her as long as she comes without a child. And finally she drew the line there and didn't marry him by giving up her child. For him to be willing to marry her, he did love her and she of course loves him too. He tried to do the right thing for the marriage with the new girl by cutting contact as this would help him heal. But even there, his relationship with the new girl isn't going well because he's still stuck on this girl. So he keeps coming by doing what he used to do without issue, after which he comes to his senses temporarily. Another month, and he comes by again until finally he starts associating her with committing something bad. And now he's trying to give it up but he's still comparing his wife to this girl.

      For this girl, her entire self esteem is built around what this guy thinks of her. While she cannot leave her child she still loves this guy way more than her husband. And even though the guy married someone else he still carries feelings for this girl. Finally now after the guy is trying to give her up she's coming back to her senses.

      Where this girl did not leave her child to be with him, I have seen a case where the woman left her children and husband to marry someone else. And like clockwork the love with the new guy died within two years. She had a child with him but after the honeymoon period ended she wanted her children from her ex back. And she felt that love is like a drug, and that while she was on it she did things she regrets. Now she's not as addicted and life is not as wonderful with the new husband as she thought it was.

      But this is the reality of love in this life, or anything else enjoyable, in that it is temporary, it doesn't last.

      http://legacy.quran.com/39/21
      Do you not see that Allah sends down rain from the sky and makes it flow as springs [and rivers] in the earth; then He produces thereby crops of varying colors; then they dry and you see them turned yellow; then He makes them [scattered] debris. Indeed in that is a reminder for those of understanding.

      All enjoyable things turn yellow, and her test was like the test of these women:

      http://legacy.quran.com/12/31
      Sahih International
      So when she heard of their scheming, she sent for them and prepared for them a banquet and gave each one of them a knife and said [to Joseph], "Come out before them." And when they saw him, they greatly admired him and cut their hands and said, "Perfect is Allah ! This is not a man; this is none but a noble angel."

      They were not whores, they just found the guy really attractive to the point they were not thinking of their husbands. And this woman is doing the same except her guy responded to her.

      • I'm amazed that you are defending this woman. Are you married? If it was your spouse, cheating on you for years and still ready to run off and have sex with the other person any time they call, I doubt very much that you would be so understanding and sympathetic.

        There are always reasons why people commit sins, whether adultery, murder or anything else - but those reasons are not excuses. There is no acceptable justification for this behavior, ever.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • I agree with Wael .She is wrong here .No doubt .

        • Salam Wael,

          I think in the old days I would've been just as upset as you are. I would've felt that she betrayed a good ever lasting marriage in 6 years and now all she can think of is how to commit more zina. I would've considered her dispicable, untrustable, and doomed to hell. I would think that she is one of those people where her lust is her God and nothing can save her.

          But after some relationship knowledge and Islam knowledge things have changed for me. I thought relationships get easier with time and that I can take them for granted, turns out the max happiness you can have in them dips at years 2, 4, 7, and 10 and they require even more work. I thought I would get to keep my spouse in the afterlife forever, turns out that's not necessarily true, I may have someone more compatible to me and my spouse may have someone more compatible to them.

          So with all this I would say my spouse is hitting that honeymoon period with someone else while the marriage with me is near it's 7 year period where satisfaction is lower than the initial honeymoon phase. Sure this girl wants to leave for this guy but another 2 -7 years and the fun with him will have died down just as much. In fact that relationship will be worse because a relationship founded on cheating results in a lack of trust after marriage. Spouses in such marriages think that if they're willing to leave a marriage to be with me, why won't they leave my marriage to be with someone else?

          With the relationship and Islam knowledge if I was this woman's husband I would treat her differently. Allah has asked me to separate with kindness, and return good when evil is done to me. And that whatever befalls me is written for me before Allah brings it into existence. So hearing the news of what she did I would be hurt but not as much since I expected someone better in the afterlife. And I would separate with this woman with kindness, as ordered. In order to qualify to be of those that return with good when evil is done to them. I would actually try to help her to be with the guy she cheated with. This way they would be married and no longer committing zina. All this would be hard to do but Allah says that entering heaven isn't easy and that the believers were shaken with severe shaking until they asked when the help of Allah would come. This trial would be difficult, but it's supposed to be difficult.

          As far as her post now I feel the right thing to do is undo her damage from this guy and help guide her back to Allah. It is up to Allah to guide her, but by doing this there can be no claim against me on the day of judgement that I was one of those that was given knowledge but I turned away from her and did not help when she came to ask. This woman has failed her test of zina but Allah is still providing her with more days, perhaps she will repent and return to Allah stronger than before and be forgiven :).

          There is a case of one man that I heard that he committed zina and he became so regretful over it that he turned to Allah and asked for forgiveness for his remaining years. He passed away in prostration. He was a far better muslim in repentance than he was before his mistake.

        • Salam Wael,

          What do you mean? How did you gather that from my response?

          • You said that while you have been married 7 years, your spouse is hitting the honeymoon period with someone else. I thought you meant he had taken a second wife. Obviously I misunderstood.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Salam Wael,

            Oh I see, that was just a hypothetical. I meant that if I was the spouse of the woman that posted here the marriage would be coming to its 7 year mark and not have the excitement she's getting from those stolen moments with that other guy.

            I try not to discuss my personal situation. So far, people are unsure of which gender I am :). Whether I'm married or single or anything else I haven't mentioned any of it at all. I prefer people just evaluate the advice based on whether it makes sense as opposed to evaluating that advice based on my background.

    • Salam Wael,

      One other thing. This site is for listing one's problems. I recommend being careful as seeing problems all day long will skew your faith in other people to be decent. I take a break because just reading problems makes it seem like everyone has something bad where in reality many don't; and are enjoying a great marriage. And as such aren't showing up to talk about it here :).

  6. Salam,

    You still have life remaining to gain good deeds and perhaps cancel out the cost of this. I recommend praying for forgiveness and perhaps you will be forgiven.

    As for the pain, I recommend going no contact with this guy. He cannot be with you while you have a child and you cannot leave your child. There is then no relationship with him. Cutting contact will help you heal, this is what he was doing with you, not out of spite, but just so that he would heal if he was to marry a new girl. With no contact your pain will die down and eventually you will go back to yourself. I recommend avoiding this in the future. Please remember that this is your chance to correct this and please take advantage of this opportunity. Good luck.

  7. No one can defend anyone else on these sort of websites. The most important thing is to accept the wrong deed(s) one has done ... and ask for Allah's forgiveness. It takes a heart to write and share your issues here and i appreciate anyone who shares it for guidance.

    Though one has committed something wrong, our purpose as a Muslim is to guide others on the right path in the light of Quran and Sunnah. Please, we need to be sure of our own "Taqwa, fear of Allah on Yawm al-Qiyamah or fear of the Hellfire" before pointing this to others.

    If anyone ask for Allah's forgiveness with sincere heart, Allah would surely forgive him / her. He is magnificent and the most merciful.

    Let's put a stop to unethical arguments to others here. Let's live a good life and help / guide others to live the same.

  8. bery bad sister ....repent sincearly. You have done a grabe sin.;

  9. I have seen all colors of life(hope you get the point) and The truth is, there is no comfort in zina only remorse. My wife isn't beautiful but I must say she is too religious and thats what makes me a good person or at least I try to be for her.
    You should talk to your husband for betterment of your relationship. Talking and discussing problems sometimes solve them.
    And zina and extra martial relations are not the solution.

    Pray for me as well.

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