Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married and lonely

Pregnant teen

Married, pregnant and lonely

Assalam alaikom wa rahmato'LLAH,

I've been married for a year now, I'm 5 months pregnant and I've seen my husband only 2 months. Let me explain my situation!

My marriage was neither an arranged marriage or a love marriage, he saw me once in the neighbourhood and sent over his parents to ask for my hand. It may seem crazy but I didn't see his face till the day we got married, and subhana'LLAH one glance at him and I fell in love! He lives abroad so he came only for a month so we can get married and he left, our families agreed that even if we get married we won't have intercourse untill we live together but once we got married we traveled and of course we couldn't help it (we were wife and husband so nothing wrong with it)

After He left I felt lonely and depressed and the only thing keeping happy is that I will see him in 5 months, meanwhile his mother knew that we didn't keep our promise and she blamed me for that and told me even if a man is weak I should have been strong. Then He asked me to quit my job, so I did. His mother knew about that too and told me that I will be a burden for her son and that I'm wasting all the years of studies I've gone through... Anyway I started discovering that his mother is poisoning our lives, and trying to control my husband because she lives with him abroad. When he came for the summer I got pregnant, and that was the start of problems. He left, and here I am a married pregnant woman still staying in her parents house, I'm depressed (probably because of hormones). He used to call every single day but now he can go for days without asking about me, if I call him he never answers saying that he's busy with work and when he gets home there's his mother and Sisters so he can't talk to me freely. I don't know what to think or what to do, I don't like the idea of his mother filling his head with weird thoughts like the fact that I should have used contraception (but he was the one against it because it's haram as he said).

I don't tell my parents about the fact that I'm sad and depressed because I don't want them to hate him, Al hamdo li'LLAH  they are taking care of me and giving me all the attention but what I want is my husband I want to feel like any married woman. Is it normal for husband to stay away from his wife all this time and coming only when I will deliver (if he can of course)?

Sometimes when I really feel bad, I think about divorce and going back to work to take care of my baby alone... But I know it's only shaytan whispers because I love my husband and I know that all this is caused by distance. Am I being delusional? How should I deal with his mother? I'm being Nice to her because it's my duty but I really start disliking her for what she has done and probably doing.


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4 Responses »

  1. as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

    Dear siter "Purity", it's quite clear that your husband is neglecting his rights, and neglecting the rights you have over him, particularly by not maintaining contact.

    Please take a look at the following fatawa (with authentic advice from Qur'aan and Sunnah), although they don't apply exactly to your situation, nonetheless it points out the rights a wife has over her husband: -

    What are the rights of a husband and what are the rights of a wife?

    Wife is left alone because husband works long hours

    Father neglecting the rights of his family by going out with tableegh jama'at

    If his wife does not agree to him being away for more than six months

    You can find many similar fatwa and advice by browsing this section: -
    The rights of the spouses

    You can use these and perhaps send these to your husband and advise him peacefully.

    wAllahu a'lam,
    May Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala, al-musta'aan help you and strengthen the bond between you and your husband, ameen ya-rabb!

    was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    Congratulations on your marriage and on expecting a little bundle of joy, Maa shaa Allah!

    You need to find a way to be together with your husband physically--what is the long term plan in terms of living together? Are there any immigration issues or visa issues? Is it not possible for you to travel to live with him?

    When you talk to him, do not focus on your MIL or any other family, but rather him, you and your baby on the way.

    As for not telling your parents, I believe that you need to speak to your parents and share your fears and concerns about the situation. Perhaps talking to them will allow you to reason through in your mind what the best scenario is and help to put your mind to ease. Your MIL along with other family members, were wrong to expect the both of you to not be intimate once you were married--I am not sure what your elders were thinking or if they forgot what it was like especially when they were first married. You are not a burden to your husband--it is your husband's job to not make you feel that way--hopefully he doesn't make you feel that way--and if his mother said that to you, but your husband never did, ignore your MIL. It would be important to know if your husband is financially supporting you right now or if your parents are--because this is an important responsibility of his.

    A wife and a husband should go out of their way to make each other feel important and valued--more than other people in their lives. They should go out of the way to say thank you, I love you, I appreciate this, I understand, etc, etc, etc. If you feel that he is always busy and doesn't make or arrange time to be with you, I would definitely be concerned, this has nothing to do with hormones. It is important that you voice your concerns to him without crying, without nagging but in a very calm and collected fashion and by outlining what it is that you want to help you through being alone without him. Your family can't be a replacement for him--obviously--and if his mother and sisters are at home, this isn't an excuse for not having time for you. Had you said no to being intimate with him--you would have been completely wrong and in the same way, he is wrong for not paying proper attention to you and basically not responsibly upholding his role as a husband.

    Speak to your parents, speak to your husband. Make du'a to Allah swt to help you and ease your heart and to find a solution for your situation. Your concerns are completely valid.

    May Allah swt bring peace to you and your family and fill it with more and more love, Ameen.

  3. How can someone dictate whether a hisband and wife are intimate together or not! It's such a private matter and so natural. It would be pretty Wierd if it didn't happen especially as newly weds. So that wierd demand was pretty unrealistic. Obviously if you guys were not ready to start a family then there are various forms of contraception available or if he felt it was haraam then he could have used coitus interuptus. Your not the only one to blame for the pregnancy, he's a grown man and is responsible for his actions too. pregnancy is a blessing mashaAllah - and i can understand that you must miss your husband during this special time.

    What's stopping you borh from living together? It's not right for a husband and wife to live seperately after marriage unless there is a valid reason. You are his responsibly now and the baby will be too. He needs to be with you. Perhaps even if you stay with him temporarily until the baby is born and for a few months after? These are just some suggestions im not sure of the actual circumstances though.

    I pray Allah swt makes things easy for you ameen

    • My dear sister
      First of all congratulations for your marriage and i hope you both belong to respectable families. Indeed you both have your rights enshrined in the Sharia and both seem to have followed etiquetties of Islam. Having a conjugal relation as husband and wife is not at all in any way wrong or Haram. Moreover your MIL's request was not meant to harm you but that could be just a suggestion only. Your husband i hope will understand you situation and perhaps at the moment there may be friction within your in-laws family because of you both ignoring their advice/suggestion. Nevertheless, please don't worry Insha Allah every thing will fall in proper place give your husband the space he need and please be least demanding at the moment because of the situation. Once you deliver the baby concentrate on the baby and not on your husband. He will come when he has sorted out his Visa status and mended his ties with his family until then he needs your support and not your questions. Be patient and Insha Allah every thing will be okay by the way me too have been through a similar situation and being a man it makes my situation more precarious. every tom dick and harry start questioning in the way they think fit to them even though that is non of their business. I have been suffering in silence for 4 long years meeting my wife and son only during my vacation and Now Alhamdullilah it is 16 years we never thought of even separating for a minute yes we do quarrel a lot and then we unit in love and compassion.

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