Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married and lonely

I've been married for 4 and half years and have two children. My youngest is 8 months old. My husband is generally a kind and generous man but.. .

I feel very unhappy in our marriage and whenever I try to tell my husband how I feel, he shrugs and does not respond. A few weeks ago I sent him an email - because he often ignores me and I couldn't bring up the subject. He deleted the email and did not mention it or address any of the points that I've raised.

He has started sleeping in a separate room when our youngest was only 1, complaining that her waking up in the middle of the night disturbed her sleep. I've suggested that she gets her own room - but he always turns the idea down- even now when she is nearly 4 and chooses instead to sleep in her room while she stays with me.

We have not had any physical contact since I've conceived our 8 month old. He doesn't even hug or kiss me - even after being away for three months- I got a nod.

I don't believe that he is cheating on me as all his time is accounted for and he's never been too into girls.

I do believe that he does not love me. He often puts me down, never compliments me and ignores me for weeks if we have the slightest argument. I feel so lonely. Married in paper but very single. He was good with the kids but I find myself increasing not getting any help in that department. I often cry myself to sleep and find myself fantasising about being single- even with two kids. I used to be a happy, jovial person but my whole personality has changed - I'm constantly put on an act for friends and family and I'm getting tired of it now..

- Sister F., UAE

47 Responses »

  1. I am in the same boat as you dont know what to do. i hope we can talk to each other

  2. Assalamu alaikom sister,
    I was in a similar, but worse situation. I understand how you feel. I thought that it was only me, but now I see many other Muslimah going through bad times with there husband. I wish you the best, and if you need some advice or anyone to talk to I am here.

    • Aslm..I am also going through the same.It is a good idea to stay in touch with similar sisters

      • please can I ask for the sisters to also contact me - going through the same

      • Salaam ladies,
        I'm feeling exactly the same in my marriage. There is no intimacy at all, and I've tried to address this several times over 15 years but nothing. He doesn't even reply to anything I say, just shrugs it off or stays silent and then turns it into me. I don't do enough so that's why he doesn't feel like making the effort. I'm not sure how much more I'm supposed to do, I work part time, I take care of our son, home stuff, his old mother, cooking cleaning laundry. I have no time for myself, I feel depressed and have told him this too. He goes it's all in my head and I'm doing it to myself. I just don't understand how to make him see sense. His not a bad father or son, but just does his own thing, work and watching movies on his own or sleeps . No family time spent with us. I'm sick and tired and at my wits end!

        • Tell him that he is not fulfilling his wife’s rights in Islam. He keeps saying that it’s all in your head then tell him that he is not being an understanding and caring person to show love and affection like a normal person. Get your dad or authority figure to talk to him about how lonely you feel. Tell home that you are losing love for him as he doesn’t want to be intimate with you. Does he sleeps alone with out you. He does his own thing- sleeps and watches move,…does he happen watch porn? Men who watches a lot of porn may lose desire for his wife.

  3. Dear ladies,

    i just happend to come to this site and reading your commnets put tears in my eyes... i am to facing the same situation. i have 5 mnths baby now and ever since the baby was born and i was on bed in hospital my husband made me cry there by arguing on something silly, then eventually when everything was ok he told me i am getting white hair..i was so sad that moment. it was the biggest momemnt of my life and my husband had this to say to me. then rooms split up and i know that he dont love me anymore, he doesnt even hold my hand..when i cry he doesnt evne look back at me...im so lonely... i wish i had never got married...

  4. Hi ladies,

    I am one of you, married only for 1year and facing same issue where my husband has lot of mistakes in me even if i guide him he thinks i am misbehaving. Even if i serve him all he is not happy. i have no clue what more to do whether to continue or not. can we be in touch with each other and seek advice. we might advice each other. I wish i had never got married. Tears are my destiny looks like yesterday i was in emergency on drips bcz of all tension....!

  5. Salaam alaikum,sister i was in a similar situation but! I i made dua and changed it,i said to myself he dnt care about me he dont love me but i dont care i wil care for him and i wil love him,so i tried my best to please him,i offered him sex 6times a day i teased him, when he got angry i kisd his eyes and that made him smile,i always smiled and looked in2 his eyes i made sure i was lookd beautifl,when he got angry i made sure i do not get angry but kept quiet and tried to understand him.hamdulillah after some months my husband fell inlove with me now his the one trying to please me hahaha Allahu akbar!

  6. Dear Ladies,

    My situation is somewhat similar. My husband and I were from 2 different countries and he only recently joined me here 7 months ago. My husband does not sleep in another bed.... he spends every waking moment talking to friends (mostly women) on the internet. I go to bed at night seeing his back to me on the computer and wake up the same in the morning. I have asked him what he finds to talk about with these women and yet he cannot seem to have a face to face conversation with me. He tells me it is my imagination and there is no problem. He makes love to me only about once a month. He swears he loves me but all I hear are words and no actions.

    When we go somewhere that he has no computer access, he spends his time texting on his cell phone. His idea of spending time together is to have our computers on the same desk so we're both online at the same time. I am so very sad and lonely ... I went for many years choosing not to be in any relationship and to raise my children and take care of my mother instead. My mother has since passed away, my kids are grown, and all I can think about is what my life would be like if I were free to be with someone who really loves and wants love in return.

    • Aslm....very same situation sister

    • Assalam Alaikum Zakia.
      I know youpposted long ago but I am wondering how you are doing. I too have been married 23 years. It has been painful everyday. There is only loneliness and heartache in my life. I married a selfish and mean man. It was nmot right form day 1. the thought of living longer and being so alone makes m ewant to die tday and now. I feel for you. I think you and I are insame boat. I hope you write me back. take care and make dua for me and I will make for you.

  7. assam alaikum.
    dear sister, whenever i hear about anyone man even i am also too much confused, when they are having good wife and children than why they want to spend their time on any of others. please speak with him and clear with him, maybe he is having some problem which is he wants to take out from his mind. once my husband also did same thing to me. he was having some money problem and his parents problem, thats why he negleted to me even we were on in bed but we did not see our face each other, he did not want to give any tension to me thats why he spended all his time on computer and on phone only with his office workers or with collegues, maybe same situasion with your husband too. just speak with him if he is having some problem, 2ndly take care.he should not fall in love with other. because he is having good wife and kids.. good luck dear..

  8. i am in exactly the same situation, although i had a "love marriage" my son is 2years old and my husband
    when i had given birth by emergency cesearean because i was sooo stressed that I couldnt even give birth properly and the night i came home he went to work, while i had his entire family around for whom i had to make non stop teas and food
    my husband sleeps in gthe same bed as me but he might as well be on the other side of the planet.

    its not a nice situation to be in and what makes it worse that its "taboo" to try and discuss marital problems with family in the hope that they can advise u!!!!

    keep your faith in Allah and and He will not neglect u

    If u need someone to talk to then please dont hesitate to contact me

  9. Wow, Am so sorry to hear about all these stories,
    am so glad am not yet married,
    and i hope Allah (swt) Always guides me the right way & my married life is good for me in this life and hereafter !!!!! (Ameen)

    Allah (swt) like's to put them closest to him to the test, so please be patience , Allah (swt) likes people who are patience.

    x

    • Sister A, you cannot judge the institution of marriage based on what you see here. You have to keep in mind that the people who write to this website are those who have problems with their marriages or families. All the people who have healthy, happy relationships do not write to this website. So if you judge by this website alone, you will get an unbalanced picture of the state of marriages and families among Muslims.

      A good marriage is so much more fulfilling that being alone. You always have a friend, someone to talk to you, someone who supports and encourages you, someone to hold you. Someone who shares the journey of life with you, who gets to know you as well as you know yourself, with all your gifts and your flaws as well, and still loves you. It's an irreplaceable experience.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • "All the people who have healthy, happy relationships do not 'Exist' "** =P

        "A good marriage is so much more fulfilling that being alone. You always have a friend, someone to talk to you, someone who supports and encourages you, someone to hold you. Someone who shares the journey of life with you, who gets to know you as well as you know yourself, with all your gifts and your flaws as well, and still loves you. It's an irreplaceable experience"

        Omg this sounds like a bollywood love story 😀

        Waise on a serious note, i don't believe in love, it's all just illusion-al.
        you don't honestly believe their are relationships like this out their do you :S ?

        Anyways Good luck to the people who do have relationships like this,
        May Allah (Swt) Always Shower His Sweet Blessings Upon Them (Ameen)

        x

        • SisterA,

          Of course such loving relationships as Wael described can exist and do exist. Wael described a healthy marriage based on purity, companionship, respect, honesty, friendship and warmth and such as would lead the couple to Jannah inshAllah.

          Bollywood style relationships are based on lust and appearance and are superficial; not real love.

          I pray Allah grants us all such a loving and pure marriage, Aameen.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

        • Sister A, it's sad to hear anyone denying the reality of love, or the possibility of a truly happy marriage. Love is the most powerful of human emotions. Love was created by Allah:

          "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect" (Quran 30:21).

          Allah, who created us and knows our nature better than any other, has said that he made male and female to dwell in peace, tranquility, love and mercy. Do you think Allah would say this if it were not possible and natural? So how can we deny the power of love?

          If a person does not believe in a happy marriage, she will probably not have a happy marriage. You have to first believe in something to be able to work for it and achieve it.

          When I spoke of a happy marriage, I was speaking from experience. I was married for almost ten years, and the first eight were mostly quite good. We shared many adventures and experiences, grew together in many ways. The problem was that she was not Muslim, and although we had agreed that our children would be raised as Muslims, when our daughter actually came along it became an issue, and the problem got bigger until I concluded that it was not going to work out. Even then it's possible that I acted precipitously. It might have been possible to find a way forward.

          One lesson I have learned from that is that it's very difficult to make a marriage work when one partner is Muslim and the other is not. That's why I always advise against such marriages. In any case, I have no hard feelings. I'm not in love with my ex-wife anymore, but I look back at our time together fondly, and I respect her. We were good for one another in many ways. And if she had been Muslim, I think it would have been even better. So yes, I think happy marriages are absolutely possible.

          I'll tell you also that I am not naive. I have been in many painful situations in life. I have suffered and seen terrible things. But I have also seen so much heroism, courage, love, and brotherhood/sisterhood. Rather than base my world view on the pain I've seen, I choose to believe in the goodness of the human heart. It is a choice. To choose otherwise would be to allow my heart to become polluted with cynicism and bitterness, and I don't want that.

          As someone who offers advice on this website, I must believe in love, happiness, and hope, so that I can then communicate that to others.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Your right i should't deny a emotion that was created by Allah (Swt),
            And your very lucky indeed to have had such a beautiful marriage, And i agree you have to first believe in something in order to achieve it,

            Am sure every girl (Or guy for that matter) deeply wishes to find someone who they can love and cherish forever, however Happy marriages are not exactly practised at large nowadays, i dont mean a happy marriage like 'a prince to sweep you of your feet, a fairytale wedding and a happy ever after typa thing' buh not even the basics are practised, it's so easy for people to lose respect & trust for each other, in a short matter of time, it often makes me wonder how most people fall out of love so easily.

            male's and female's were put on this earth to dwell in peace, tranquility, love and mercy. Am not denying the fact it doesn't exist (Anymore =P) buh everyone doesn't feel the same, Meaning even if they do fall in love, it doesn't last long, especially once you start taking each other for granted, hence why i think love is a illusion, That's what i hate, i dont ever wanna lose respect for someone i once loved or vice versa.

            Anyways I sincerely do wish i find someone, Who loves and respects me for what i am, Please keep me in your dua's Thankyou =)

            x

          • Salam brother Wael,

          • Wa alaykum as-salam. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. HUSBAND REPAIR SHOP.
    where is it?

  11. SisterA, I am talking on this matter not from experience, but through hope of Allah's Promise. I too have dreams of being in a loving marriage as you wish for. Allah has gifted marriage to us to give us tranquility and companionship, so be hopeful. Be firm in the qualities you are looking for in a spouse, base your search on Islamic guidelines, be ready to compromise your preferences but not your principles and inshaAllah your spouse will be the comfort of your eye. Aameen.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

    • Aww thankyou very much !!! I too hope the same for you sis !
      Mmm i posted a message for you in ramazan am not sure if you actually didnt read it, or preferred not to answer, i asked if you lived in scotland and watched noor tv ? it's because the first day i came across this site, later on that evening while it was iftari, after the adhaan on noor tv, when they prayed the darood sharief or some hadith am not too sure :$ it said from SisterZ Scotland, i was quite surprised and thought it was a amazing coincidence Specially as i hardly even watch noor tv lol, Anyways if you'd rather not answer its totally ok, buh just wanted to say it reminded me of you 😀

      x

      • Salaams SisterA,

        Lol, it must have been another SisterZ. I apologise for not replying to your question, I didnt see your post. I havent been as active on the website as have had a busy schedule and a missing it highly, so inshAllah I pray to be back in full mode soon.

        To answer your question, I live in London. I dont watch Noor Tv, I'm more of a Peace TV, Ramadan TV and Islam Channel person ;0) x.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

        • Walaykum Assalam,

          Lol it's ok, i Actually thought maybe it was too personal lol,
          Anyhow i sincerely appreciate the advice you give out & i hope Allah (Swt) rewards you for that immensely ! (Ameen)
          Please please keep me in your dua's Thankyou !!!

          x

  12. Sisterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,

    Keep Praying and Consider time of Tauba has come, that is the only path for muslims, ALLAH Bohat Karam krney wala hy,

  13. Only afraid I'm not linking with the right person.
    But,I think we need each other

  14. Asalamualikum.
    I am also lonely but the only difference is, my husband compliments me & loves me. He is a workaholic & I am lonely. I basically raize our 2 boys 8 & 12 all by myself. From cooking cleaning to everything in regards to home, children & relatives. I am going through depression but have noone to share with.
    May Allah swt guide us all & fill our loniless with joy. I hope and pray that all sisters find happiness.

  15. I'm relieved I'm not the only person that feels like this. I can't help but feel sad inside when other couples are happy and I'm not. husband loves me but I can't say the feeling is mutual. I feel like I made the wrong choice. Two people with different personalities. There's no spark in our relationship. may Allah give me strength insha Allah

  16. I'VE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND. FOR 5YRS N GOT MARRIED 3 MONTHS AGO WE HAVE. 3 KIDS WE DON'T EVEN SLEEP. TOGETHER HE GETS MAD WHEN I ASK HIM WHERE HES GOING HE SAYS ITS NONE. OF MY BUSINESS N HE DOESN'T. ANSWER HIS PHONE. FOR ME HE SAYS. HE'S. NOT A KID I CAN'T TALK. TO HIM. WHEN I DO HE GETS MAD. N YELLS. WHAT AM I TO DO

  17. i have been married for 6 years and had no childern soon after i leave my country and came with my husband to sweden after shifting i found out he smoke he drink alcohol and also found some condoms we were engaged before married but he didn't talked to me one day i found out that he was interested in some one else while we were engaged..he is even not sexually fit i don't know what to do in simple girl i even don't have any friend even my family didn't care about me I'm so alone my husband every now and then ask me to do job even I'm not much educated so i didn't think about divorce i don't know what to do and I'm also became overweight after marriage due to some medical issues he touches my body parts and critic me i don't know what to do please someone tell me what can i do...even i fount some lunch bills for 2 person even he take lunch with him.

    • Annie: I found out he smoke he drink alcohol and also found some condoms we were engaged before married but he didn't talked to me one day i found out that he was interested in some one else while we were engaged..he is even not sexually fit i don't know what to do in simple girl i even don't have any friend even my family didn't care about me I'm so alone my husband every now and then ask me to do job even I'm not much educated so i didn't think about divorce i

      Find any job to keep busy....try to get some education. As you say " he is not even sexually fit" you may have to divorce him if his condition does not improve. You should get treatment for medical issues that are making you over weight.

  18. Salaam Alaykum. Converted muslim. Are all muslim men like this? I sit with exactly the same situation. Also what was your solution? As a christian i use to feel lonely but since ive converted i have never experienced lonliness on this high level before. I am not blaming islam at all it just seems as though my husband painted this picture of who he is and ought to be because of islam but in reality he is exactly like the original post.

    • Salam Nadia,

      A lot of muslim men aren't like this and many people have good marriages. You should look for the happy-marriage/no-problems-in-a-marriage forum. Which I hope is somewhere on the internet. Here though, where people post their problems, it's going to seem like the whole world has these problems.

  19. Assalam ulaikum,

    My husband works abroad and comes once in three years for two months, in my seven years of marriage, he has been with me for only six months, i have needs, i need my husband, but he doesn't care. Is this fair?

  20. Assalam Alaikum Zakia.
    I know youpposted long ago but I am wondering how you are doing. I too have been married 23 years. It has been painful everyday. There is only loneliness and heartache in my life. I married a selfish and mean man. It was nmot right form day 1. the thought of living longer and being so alone makes m ewant to die tday and now. I feel for you. I think you and I are insame boat. I hope you write me back. take care and make dua for me and I will make for you.

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