married at 18…to divorce at 20?
His visa status affects our marriage status
A.a.
I had known my husband since the age of 14 and we decided to get married when I was 18 - he was then 30 (12 yrs difference). Age was never apparent at that time.
He was illegal in this country, without a valid visa and I was a British citizen working full time - but that didn't bother us at that time either.
January 2008, we engaged and one month later his mother passed away in Pakistan so he had to go back (with no way of returning) but we agreed that I would go to Pakistan and do the nikaah so that I could apply for him to come back into the UK on a spouse visa - we married early March 2008. His visa was accepted in June 2008 and by July 2008 he was back in London and I believed this to be the beginning of the rest of my life...
However, things soon changed and all the things that were not apparent to me previously, now began to stand out.
As soon as he returned, his character was very different. He never had time for me compared to before we were married. If I called to ask his whereabouts, he would switch off his mobile phone. When he was on the phone and I walked in he would walk out or tell the person he would call them back etc etc. I tried to convince myself that this was paranoia and that I should not doubt my marriage.
Our first major break up was in August 2008 because he believed I was hiding his passport (in fact, both our passports were together and he knew exactly where). The argument became violent and I was left with bruises. His passport was returned to him before he left the house. A few days later I began receiving threatening and abusive phone calls, emails and messages from members of his family.
I moved away, hoping to put this behind me and move on with my life...I wrote to the Home Office and notified them of our seperation but did not respond to their letter to confirm anything... 3months later he turned up, asked me to try at the marriage again. I did exactly that. He still worked and lived in London and I lived elsewhere but the main thing was, it didn't lead to divorce and we were working on our marriage. So at this time, October 08 he still had legal right to remain in the UK.
I tried to work on matters but all the past of what had happened and the lies ate away at me and I found myself unable to move forward with the current situation. Arguments continued on a daily basis on the phone or whenever we were together for more than like 6hours. A time came when we had a huge argument and we didn't talk for over a month - for me, this was IT. So...June 09 I confirmed to the Home Office that we were seperated with no chance of reconciliation.
He soon received the letter to confirm his new status in the UK but instead of resenting me, he said he wanted to give it his all we were to move in together. He then moved in with me July 09. Within days we we arguing again. His family rejected me for reasons I still do not know - they were fine with me up until the day he returned to the UK, so what happened? He never took me with him when he went to visit family, never talked to them in front of me, which lead to more arguments. Ever argument started and ended with one thing, all the time - his VISA!
My family was dragged into all our arguments, every single time in the 100 or so arguments we had. We clashed all the time, nothing was happening to make things even a little better. His family were nowhere to been seen or heard, they didn't want anything to do with me or our marriage. My family were the opposite- they did all they could to help the both of us. Nothing worked.
We moved out of our house and went out own ways - October/November 09.
New year 2010...we began talking again, taking it one step at a time... agreeing to stay apart to save our marriage. I called all the members of his family and apologised for anything I was supposed to have done- they said everything was ok and they were ok with me. He then called me and said they told him to tell me (I know thats a bit confusing) not to call them again and that they didn't want to talk to me. Confusion!
We continued talking but with every argument, he became more and more degrading toward me and my family. More insulting. More disgusting language....more and more of everything he wasn't before I made the mistake of marrying him.
So we come to the present, today... I have broken my sim card so I can't call him and he can't call me. I want out. I am confused. I am lost. I am hurt. I don't know what to do. But I need out. I need help.
- mehreen.n
Please help
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walaikum mussalam,
sister as far as I can tackle your situation I think the sole interest of this man and his family in you was to get this visa and now I think your in-laws might be wanting your husband to get married in Pakistan but this at least is clear that they are not ready to accept you or to settle you in their family.By the way I also doubt that your husband might already be married in Pakistan (why wouldn't he talk to his family in front of you??)But this is only a speculation.I am a Pakistani,I kind of understand the attitude of our people.But you must confirm all these things before you come to a final decision.Please also do istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to what is best for you.
Sister mehreen, As-salamu alaykum,
File for divorce and be done with him. Move on with your life. That may sound harsh, and it may be difficult, but that's what you need to do. I am sure this entire experience has been very painful for you, and I feel for you. I know it will take a long time to heal and to learn to trust people again. The best time to begin is now, Insha'Allah.
Whether he used you for your visa or not I have no idea. I think it's quite possible. In any case he clearly was lying to you from the start, keeping some big secret from you. It's quite obvious from the fact that he always talked secretly on the phone. Maybe he has another wife, maybe he was having an affair.
You lived in separate cities but you were "working on" your marriage? How does that work?
On top of everything he beat you, and you don't seem willing to acknowledge the seriousness of this fact. You say, "The argument became violent and I was left with bruises" - as if the bruises just materialized on your skin, by magic.
I am not mocking you, sister. I am trying to make you see that this marriage was a disaster from the start and was founded on insincerity and lies on his part.
Between all of this, the abusive language, the physical abuse, the lies, count your blessings that you are done with him. Get a divorce and move on with your life Insha'Allah, and consider yourself older, wiser and smarter now. Don't make the same mistakes again.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams Mehreen,
In my opinion you were merely used for this evil man to get his own way in the UK. He took complete advantage of you and that you are young and vunerable.
He was not working on the marriage, he was just simply stringing you along until he got his Indefinite Stay.
Just be grateful that you don't have children with him as it would be even harder to deal with. Get a divorce. If you want to, contact the Home Office again since you already wrote to them and try and get the decision revoked. Otherwise just try to move on.
That last comment you made about the intensity of abuse was just how my husband behaved. They must all attend some kind of seminar on how to snare a British Woman, deceive her and then how to add insult to injury. Marriage is a big step, I wish some of us including myself would have taken all matters into account prior to going through with it, whether arranged or by one's own choice.
But you are young still and you were wronged. Don't worry too much. If you turn to Allah for comfort and guidance, in time things will get better. The main obstacle is you will still be in some form of denial by thinking that at some point that awful guy really liked you. I'm afraid he never did, it was all part of an act.
It may be that you will look back and think how could you have been so stupid, but you can't change what is done. Please don't dwell on it, you will only hurt yourself more. These people have no conscience at all.
Divorce and leave it in the past,
Take care,
Hopeful
aslamo alykum,
i came here to find answer for my question, but i saw yr plb here , which is offcource very sad
but belive me or not,, i had same situation,,, i get married at age of 18 and div at the age of 23,, same story,
i tried my best to save my marrige but then finally she approches me with div and lawyers,and thhat time i was ,,,oooooooooo okkk, if that what u want,,,,,
but it was hard, iw as hurt and i was dumped, but its over now,, i am moving on its been 2 years now,, and i am hoping for my bright future insallah
if allah is taking something away from me then it means i am goona get something more better,,ALLAH love his ppl
u tried yr best ,and thats only u can do in countries like us and uk,,, here in usa i only tried to save my marige but she was not willing it, she got what she want
may allah gave u strength,and bless yr life
arqan
Law Firm in Pakistan
Ashraf & Ashraf Law Firm
Web: http://www.ashraflawfirm.com
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Cell: +92 321 4581017
Hi there! I have been down the road. I got married to a my "high school sweetheart" despite of love from my part believing he loved me too. From the beginning I knew he was here illegally but it never crossed my mind that his only intention of marrying me was to be able to gain his visa and not out of love. During our engagement and even our years of dating he was a total different guy. He had a fun, loving, and respectful relationship along with his family as well. After we got married his family started asking me for money not 10 or 15 dollars but 700$ kind of type and I as a nice person did the favor. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. His mom started getting into our marriage and having secret phone calls and text messages and telling him to lie to me. She started accusing of me cheating on him, and calling me a bitch along with his brother and cousin and he did nothing to give me my right as his wife. Arguments started getting worse and after I spoke to several lawyers about wanting to get his green card and all and they told me I had to wait until the new president was announced and all and told me I could not fix for him yet THATS when he decided that I wasn't good enough for him, that he never really wanted to get married to me in the first place, and that he found out he could get his green card sooner without me and that's when it all ended. I am so glad it ended. I have opened my eyes, I am free, I am happy! I was just being used for his papers and when he found out he didn't need me anymore he dumped me. and that is not the life I deserved or deserve.