Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married but can’t stop thinking about my ex

Assalamu-alaikom brothers and sisters,

My name is Nida and this is my story:  I am a 30 years old married to a nice person who is 24 and converted to Islam 4 years ago. my husband is Canadian and I am from Morocco, we got married 1 and half years ago,everything was good at the beginning.

Before my husband, I knew someone in Morocco for like 7 years and whenI came to this country everything changed and I thought I did not love my ex-boyfriend and I forgot the promise I made to him to always love him and get married one day.

So I met my husband and we got married we were happy, but the last few months I could not stop thinking about my first love even when I am with my husband during sex, I hate having these feelings, and my husband does not deserve this. I don't know what to do: ask for divorce or what?

Deep down my heart I want to be with my ex and at the same time I don't want to hurt my husband.

Please brothers and sisters tell me what to do and may Allah reward for everything you do.

Jazakum allah kolla khair.

- Nida

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10 Responses »

  1. as-salamualaikum,
    i don't know how to help you in your situation, i can't answer this question well. but it could just be shaitaan who is trying to come betwen you and your husband by putting these thoughts in your head. as you have said, you are married to a good guy, and you also have enough sense of his feelings. who knows where your ex is now and with what woman? he might already be planning a marriage. that was your past life. this is your current marriage, make it a happy one. maybe you are having such fantasies because there is some trouble in your marriage. all marriages have problems. maybe something is bothering you about your current husband. i guess what you thinking is normal. back home in our countries, there is no such thing as boyfreind/girlfreind before marriage. so when something does happen secretly, it is very special. thats why you are wondering what it would be like if you were married to him. but here people change boyfreinds like bedsheets almost in some cases. so try to forget the feelings you are having, your current reality is your husband. make it a happy marriage.

  2. Salaams,

    Oh dear! Life is just not fair is it? So many women just on this site inc. myself have complained cos we had bad husbands. But you should count yourself lucky for having a decent husband inspite of having a past with another man.

    It is true, the shaytaan sows discord between man and wife. Do you realise how haraam that is to think about another whilst you are intimate with your husband?

    Stop and think properly. Or you'll get to a point in the future where you will be very sorry. You are suggesting divorce and wanting to return to your old flame. That was a haraam relationship. Time has passed but do you think he is still waiting for you?

    Some women are never satisfied. It appears you find the security of your decent husband unfulfilling and prefer the 'excitement' of your illicit relationship of the past.

    You should maintain proper communication with your husband and find good things to do together. Not hark back to some guy from the past.

    Think about your husband. He younger than you and he has reverted only 4 years ago. You will really damage him if you pursue these harmful thoughts.

    Grow up. Why get married when you still hung up on someone else?

  3. Asalaamualaykum Nida,

    In a girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship, the two involved can get away and take a breather when things get tough and so things are relatively sweet. But the real test is when you are living with someone and not only enjoying their good habits but also living with their niggling habits; you are doing that now with your husband and he still makes you happy. Your real life is here with your husband, who you say is good to you and makes you happy. Remind yourself of why you decided to marry your husband.

    It would be better for you to curb your thoughts about your ex-boyfriend. I agree with Hopeful that Shaytaan is putting thoughts into your mind; if you encourage these thoughts, they will only multiply and you will make things very difficult for yourself. Maybe you did share good times with your ex, but it was outside of marriage and hence haraam. There was no baraqah in it then and there will be no baraqah in it now if you divorce your husband to pursue him. You will be committing a great sin if you leave your in order to pursue another man and will undoubtedly incur Allah's Anger.

    Furthermore remind yourself that you are on this earth to worship Allah(swt). We are in the month of Ramadan and the aim of this month is to attain Taqwa. Taqwa is when we attain a state of God Conciousness; so think about Allah:

    - before you decide to encourage yourself to continue fantasizing about your ex
    - before you consider divorcing a man whom you say is good to you
    - before you find comfort in thoughts of your past haraam relationship

    Alhumdulillah you have been blessed with a good husband whom you enjoy; focus on this as your now and your future, not your past.

    SisterZ, Editor

  4. asalamu alaikum,

    in order for a relationship to work both partys need to put their heart n mind equally otherwise its a high chance of relationship falling through.

    in this situation no matter what you do someone will end up being hurt. you said you been married over 1yr? so by now dont you think your ex would have moved on? if you divorced and then you found out your ex is also married or with another woman. what are you gonna do?

    there are soo many fine brothers out there but you cannot choose the person you fall inlove with.

    think carefully in your decision cos its a high chance more than one person will end up hurt.

    ma salama

  5. Salaam
    Being with your husband and thinking about another man is strickly haraam. This is just like cheating on your husband, only mentally not physically. You need to be more spiritual in islam...
    I think that sometimes shaitan is coming to you and corrupting your mind. In a situation like your i will dearly appreciate my husband and forget about that old flame.

  6. Salaam,

    I am slightly facing a similar situation except i am not as yet married. I am a muslim girl (23) from Mombasa, Kenya who moved to England 10years ago. About 5 and a half years ago, I made a new friend online through another. He was also from Mombasa but was moving to the UK to study. When he moved here, we would talk all night every single day and became incredibly close. Eventually we made our feelings clear to each other but he refused to commit as he said in the end we wouldn't work out as he even though he is muslim too, his parents would want him to marry only someone in his community. We lived in different cities in the UK so rarely saw each other but spoke constantly sometimes 10 times a day. Although he refused to commit, we agreed to remain friends but our friendship was the kind that was more than friends but less than lovers. I used to joke with him that when he's 26, i'll be 23 and have finished university and we could marry but he would just laugh and say that was too long to wait.
    The easter of the second year of him being in the UK we kissed but nothing more..however we had a heated arguement that summer while he was in Mombasa for holidays as I couldn't understand why he didn't even want to give us a chance.
    He had a habit of ignoring me for a few days everytime things got emotional but then would go back to normal. After our argument that summer, he still had 3weeks to return from holiday but ignored me. During that time, i was helping with the start-up of a new store and met someone there. He's pakistani from Birmingham and we were very keen on each other. I was going to starting University at the end of that summer and it just so happened i was going to university in Birmingham and we began a relationship.
    When my friend returned from holiday, he called me like everything was fine. I didn't tell him straight away but he eventually found out about my boyfriend. He started keeping a distance from me even though i continued to make the effort as a friend.
    A year into my relationship i went to mombasa for the summer and my friend was down too and we spent one whole day together. He wasn't quite himself with me and later admit when we were texting that he kept reminiscing about our kiss. I agreed as i still had him in my heart. He asked me to go visit him in London when he returned to the UK and i did and we met with a mutual friend so it wasn't just the two of us. (Again that night we talked and he would talk about how he cared about me but didn't want to hurt me)
    I returned to my boyfriend asking for a break as i felt our compatability was low and i needed some time. (This was not to pursue anything with my friend) boyfriend gave me space but in a short while we reconciled as we both felt we were falling in love with each other.

    Anyways..four years at uni have gone by and i feel blessed that i have such a wonderful boyfriend who is also the only relationship i have ever had. In January this year, i was walking along thinking of girls names i'd like to name my daughter. The name Farzana came to my head.
    A month later in February, i recieved a text from my friend saying he was engaged and funnily enough his fiancee's name is Farzana. On hearing that i felt completely heartbroken and i don't even know why.
    We got talking and reconnected again and talked about wanting to spend some time together since he probably wouldn't be able to do that after marriage. We've arranged to meet several times since February but it keeps failing to happen and now i've moved back home after graduating from University. Not to mention he keeps changing his mind from wanting to, to not wanting to.
    We haven't talked since the start of Ramadhan. He called me once and we had a brief general chat and i've text him today just saying hello but no reply...
    The truth is, it makes me sick thinking of him marrying,kissing, making love to another woman and everything that i've dreamed of having with him but its also frustrating because i'm celebrating my 4year anniversary with my amazing boyfriend and we plan to marry in the not too distant future.

    I also feel betrayed by my friend that he seems to not even want to keep in touch generally especially since i was there for him when he first moved here and was having trouble with family and he even recently confided in me about problems he was having with his sister-in-law.

    I am very confused as to why im feeling this way..and cheating my boyfriend as he knows nothing about my past with my friend or feeling accept for the fact that we used to be best friends.

    I'm so confused about what to even think! I often break down in tears and in my prayers ask for dua to be shown the right path. But i just don't know how long this will go on for...and keeping wondering if maybe him and i are truely meant to be we will come together in the future as there have recently been many cases in my family and amongst friends who have been married before but have found true love in their second partners often people they've known before and always had in their hearts.

    I love my boyfriend, and wouldn't say i was in-love with my friend but the truth is in all these years, i've never been able to let him go..

  7. Aa. 

    You seem to be in a great state of emotional turmoil and going by your post it is easy to see why. What you need to realise is that you are (forgive me as I can only assume) in a content relationship with your husband mA. The thoughts and feelings you have expressed regarding a longing for your ex boyfriend is merely Shaitaan's way of breaking up a happy home. This is his nature - when a Muslim commits sin Shaitaan is in ectasy; it's his goal to lead Muslims into minor sins, sins like thinking about your ex which he hopes will eventually lead to graver misdeeds. 

    What you are experiencing is the evil whisperings of Shaitaan. Do not let him  destroy your marriage, your chance at happiness. 'What ifs' are the works of the devil and indulging in them will never put you at peace. Make regular supplication to Allah that He safeguards you from sin and please do not give in to these thoughts. You deserve so much more and your husband is surely worthy of your commitment and loyalty iA.

    Be strong and believe that Allah is with you. 


  8. Salamualaikum sister,
    You know sometimes, person worse enemy is him or herself!
    U are being very ungrateful of wat Allah has given u.
    U need to repent and ask Allah for tawbah.
    U r very luck, because women's these days do not get a loving husbands.
    If u look thru this site u will find hundreds of posting on wives getting mistreated and abuse.
    Y r u wishing ill for urself.
    Clearly there is shaytaan between u guys in ur bedroom.
    There is a dua husband should read but Idk of there is one for the woman.
    Maybe a fellow Muslim can help.
    This wat I know:
    He should perform wuzu and pray two-rak'at sunnat prayer and then recite the following du'a: then sprinkle the water around the room. Then h e should perform wuzu and pray two-rak'at sunnat prayer and then recite the following du'a: should perform wuzu and pray two-rak'at sunnat prayer and then recite the following du'a: Allahummar zuqni ilfahaa wa wuddaha wa riz"aaha bi; warz"ini biha, wa-ajma' baynana bi ah'sane bi; warz"ini biha, wa-ajma' baynana bi ah'sane ijtimaa'in wa anasi i-tilafin; fa innaka tuh'ibbul h'alaala wa tukrihul h'araam. O Allah! Bless me with her affection, love and her acceptance of me; and make me pleased with her, and bring us together in the best form of a union and in absolute harmony; surely You like lawful things and dislike unlawful things. Then he should ask the bride to do wuzu and pray two-rak' sunnat prayer.
    Hope this helps

  9. He should perform wuzu and pray two-rak'at sunnat prayer and then recite the following du'a: Allahummar zuqni ilfahaa wa wuddaha wa riz"aaha bi; warz"ini biha, wa-ajma' baynana bi ah'sane bi; warz"ini biha, wa-ajma' baynana bi ah'sane ijtimaa'in wa anasi i-tilafin; fa innaka tuh'ibbul h'alaala wa tukrihul h'araam. O Allah! Bless me with her affection, love and her acceptance of me; and make me pleased with her, and bring us together in the best form of a union and in absolute harmony; surely You like lawful things and dislike unlawful things. Then he should ask the bride to do wuzu and pray two-rak'at sunnat prayer.
    Sorry forgot to proofread.

  10. Shame lots of women are having problems with their husbands - Muslim men for that matter.

    anyway to the point - my sister, we are in similar shoes. Only that I left my ex and married my husband to get over him. I dont really love my husband and to make things worse, we dont live together and the marriage isnt in top shape and that even makes me think of my ex more.

    I have thought of him since day one till today but I cant be with him cos he's a christian. I left him purely for that but Allah knows in my heart I love him.

    the only thing I can tell you is to run to Allah for help. Only dua can help a situation like this and try to improve the relationship you have with your spouse. One thing I am sure of is with this so called 'LOVE' feeling, when a man you claim to love abuses you, the veil of 'LOVE' will lift from your eyes and your good husband you plan to divorce will appear VERY VERY good in your eyes.

    so please think with your head. Emotions usually always MISLEAD. its tough for me I must admit but this are facts that I know. For me, I tell myself only if my husband could treat me better and perhaps let us live together, I wont feel this way about my ex.

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